I can’t sleep.

Nothing has made my apartment seem smaller than that suite at the Plaza. Even going back to my parents’ house never made me feel this closed in.

It’s worse because you’re tired. I try to tell myself this fact in a convincing inner voice, but I don’t believe it. I repeat it three times, and I still don’t believe it. Even if it’s true.

I turn over onto my back. Maybe it’s time to consider a slightly larger space.

No. The thought makes a choking anxiety tighten my throat. I could afford it—for the time being. But all it takes is one slip-up, one disaster, and I could be back at square one. And where would that leave me? Where would that leave my family? What if Henry can’t go back to work after all? What if the spinal cord injury means permanent damage?

I run my hands through my hair and take a deep breath in through my nose, letting it out through my mouth. These are not scenarios I need to be losing sleep over. I have work in the morning, and for tonight, everyone is fine. 

I’m fine. My family is fine. I have my savings. I don’t need a bigger place. It’s better to save that money at the end of every month. It’s better to hold on to what I have in case something goes wrong and I need that safety net.

But my heart won’t stop pounding.

My dad had a safety net—or at least he said he did. We had a house in Conyers Farm, for god’s sake—he had to have some kind of safety net. He had to have some kind of savings. I still don’t understand how they were all drained so quickly, how we were left in this strange limbo, relying on selling possessions to put themselves anywhere near the black. 

And still, everything went wrong.

Breathe in, breathe out.

I twist under the covers. 

I refuse to think about how, if things go far enough with Levi, I’ll never want for anything, ever again. I refuse to think about how that might be affecting the way I feel about him.

That’s not what this is about. It’s not.

I have to get on more even footing with him.

I just don’t know how to do it.

The pillow is cool on the other side, and I flip it over and press my face against it, letting the sounds from the street wash over me. Someday things will be back to normal. Someday I will get a bigger place, one that’s still sensible. Someday I will know how the story with Levi turned out in the end.

There’s nothing to do but relax, and I start at my shoulders. I work my way down, relaxing my elbows, relaxing my hands. Relaxing my chest. I can still hear my mom guiding me through the exercise. I used to get nervous before cross country meets in high school. I ran in the middle of the pack. I almost never won any of the ribbons they’d give out at the end. But I’d get so focused on it...

When did I stop running, anyway? 

I should take up running again.

There’s a solution, and I just have to find it. There’s a solution that will put me on an equal level with Levi. If I could just get this pounding anxiety out of my head—if even one thing could give—then everything would fall into place. I know it.

Sitting up is a good first step. I prop a pillow against the wall and lean against it, tracing the outline of my bed in the light from the streetlamps. It’s never perfectly dark in the apartment. I could get a blackout curtain, but part of me likes it this way.

Back to the basics.

I hate that he’s selling all of my parents’ things, because they were supposed to become mine. And Henry’s, of course, but we’ve always known that I would be the one to move into the estate and take over the collections, the furniture. I hate it, even though it’s totally unrealistic for me to manage an estate of that size without an actual estate. The costs of storing it for that long—or even buying the house—aren’t within my reach, and I am not going to ask that of Levi, even if we do get married one day.

The thought of standing next to him in a white dress and swearing to be his forever sends twin pulses of giddy excitement and paralyzing fear down my back. But I can’t stop to think about that now.

Maybe I don’t need all of it. Maybe I just need something. Maybe I just need one or two things that I can hold back from the sale. That I could buy with my own money. Nothing outrageous. Just a couple of my favorite pieces. A small storage locker in a secure place wouldn’t be more than I can handle. I’m already saving a lot of money by living in this apartment, and I’m willing to do that for as long as it takes.

Something uncurls in my chest when I settle on the idea. 

It’s totally reasonable. 

My first instinct is to reach for my phone on my bedside table, but once it’s in my hand, I’m not so sure. Maybe it’s an unreasonable idea.

No. It’s not. It’s the perfect thing for everyone involved. My parents get the money they need for the pieces, I get just enough of the family legacy to move on from this, and Levi—

Levi gets me, without any more strings attached. 

I dial his number, but before the call connects, the time in the upper corner of the screen catches my eye. It’s ten to four in the morning.

“Oh, stop.” I toss the phone back onto the bedside table and pull the pillow back down.

I’m exhausted, my eyelids heavy. Why did this take so long to figure out? I could have been asleep hours ago.

It doesn’t matter. All that matters is that I know what I’m going to do, and it’s simple.

It’s going to be so simple. The thought is gentle in my mind as I start to fall asleep, right into a dream about Levi, smiling down at me. Are we on the edge of the ocean, or on the sidewalk in New York? It doesn’t matter. The only thing that matters is that I’m with him. It’s going to be so simple.