Logan
I look up as she walks into the room, and I want to run to her, to sweep her up into my arms and kiss the fucking life out of her, but there’s something stopping me from doing that. There’s something in the way she moves, the way she looks at me that’s almost putting a barrier up between us.
“You OK?” I ask, and she nods, and then she comes a little closer, and I feel my heart start to race, feel my stomach embark on another round of nervous flips.
“Dad told me, what happened with Reba. Logan, I’m so sorry…”
“Hey, come on, it wasn’t your fault. It wasn’t anyone’s fault, how the hell were we supposed to know she was that damaged, huh?”
“She was married to Mad Dog Vierrra. It should’ve been obvious.”
I drop my head, slide my hands into my pockets but she reaches down and pulls one of them out, sliding her fingers between mine, and I look up.
“We’ve got to put this shit behind us, Piper.”
“I know.”
“I mean, it’s crazy and it’s fucking confusing, but – we’ve got to put it behind us.”
She reaches out and rests her palm against my cheek, and she smiles. And that smile, man, it’s like she’s just flicked a switch, everything suddenly feels brighter, although the image of Reba falling to the ground – that’s never gonna go away.
“You make it sound so easy. Like we just walk out of here and all this disappears. People died, Logan. Reba died.”
I step back from her and turn away, walk over to the French doors that look out over the pool and I know that I’m so out of my comfort zone here, in this house. This place. This world. Piper isn’t. She’s just come home.
“I thought it was, that easy. A second ago, I really thought it was.”
“Well, maybe it can be. Y’know, maybe you’re right. Maybe if we just get away from here…”
“I don’t know if I can do this, Piper.”
There’s no response, just a silence, but I keep my back to her. And it’s like the weight of everything that’s happened, all those repressed feelings I’d kept locked away for all that time; the weight of all of that, it’s like it’s suddenly landed on me, now, all at once, and I drop to my haunches and hang my head, closing my eyes as I breathe in deep. Reba’s dead. The love of my freakin’ life is dead, I watched her die, she took her own life, right there in front of me, Jesus!
“Logan?”
I don’t even realize I’m crying until I feel her arms around me, and I cling onto her. But I stop crying, Christ, come on! I’ve seen worse shit than that. I’ve seen men blown apart, seen their flesh scattered for miles around and I didn’t fucking cry.
“I’m sorry, Piper.” I pull away from her and stand up, leaning back against the glass, my head bowed, my hands back in my pockets. And what happened there; whatever the hell that was, all that’s done is let me know that I’m right, to do this.
“Don’t be sorry, Logan. Showing emotion isn’t a weakness.”
But it is. In my world, it is. I open myself up to that shit and people get hurt. I don’t want Piper to get hurt.
“What did you mean? When you said you don’t think you can do this?”
I slowly look up, and her eyes are full of panic, because I think she already knows the answer to her question. So I don’t reply, I just hold her gaze, and then she shakes her head as she comes closer.
“No. Logan, no. I mean, I know I said you made it sound so easy, putting all this behind us… After everything we’ve been through, no, it isn’t gonna be easy, but you’re really just gonna walk away? Without even trying?”
“It’s what I do, Piper. It’s how I handle shit like this, I run.”
“And that makes you weak. Showing emotion – that really isn’t weak, Logan, it isn’t, for Christ’s sake the woman you loved just blew her brains out in front of you! You’re not a fucking robot, that’s got to affect you…”
“I didn’t love her, Piper. Not anymore, and that’s why she did it. Because I couldn’t love her again. And I should’ve let her kill me, too, like she was…”
“She was going to kill you too?”
Her beautiful blue eyes widen in horror, and I feel my stomach take the biggest dive.
“Murder suicide. She had it all planned. If I couldn’t love her, I wasn’t loving anyone. But I didn’t want to die, I didn’t want anyone to die…” I turn my head away from her and look back outside. That perfect world of manicured lawns and palm trees swaying gently against the backdrop of a clear blue Californian sky, it’s nothing but a façade to mask the twisted shit that goes on behind the closed doors of this Bel Air mansion, and others like it. No-one’s world is perfect, it’s just that some are more fucked up than others. “I tried to fight her. That was my mistake. That’s when she turned the gun on herself… she wanted to punish me.”
“It wasn’t your fault, Logan. There wasn’t anything you could’ve done.”
“I could’ve gone with her. Like I was supposed to do.”
“You wouldn’t have been happy…”
“I don’t know if I’m ever gonna be happy, Piper. It’s just not something that’s meant to happen for me, so maybe I should’ve just gone, disappeared like I was supposed to, and maybe Reba would still be alive.”
“You don’t know that. You don’t know how damaged she really was.”
She’s right. The Reba who killed herself wasn’t the woman I loved, she’d been gone a long time, fucked up by the Cabbetto family and their twisted shit. And that’s what crushes me, but, ultimately, she did this to herself. She was the one who left; the one who wanted something different. She was the one who wanted to see what else was out there. And it wasn’t any fucking better. She threw our life away, for what? For nothing. Fucking nothing, and that just tears me apart, it’s fucking crazy, and I have to blink so hard to stop more tears from escaping, man, I’m done with this shit now.
“I’d only hurt you, Piper. If we do this.”
“You’re really gonna walk away?”
“It’s not what I want…”
“Then don’t do it. Show me you aren’t weak, show me…”
It’s like something just snapped inside of me, her words, they’re taunting me, almost, and I reach out and grab her wrist, slamming her back against the glass, my eyes blazing as they stare into hers.
“I’m not weak, Piper, don’t fucking do this.”
“What do you really want, Logan?”
My chest suddenly tightens, making my breathing heavy and uneven, but I keep hold of her wrist. And she doesn’t fight me, even though I can feel my fingers digging into her flesh, I must be hurting her, and the last thing I want to do, in any way, is hurt her. So I let go of her wrist, her arm dropping to her side.
“I just can’t do this, Piper. I can’t.” I hold my hands up as I start to back away. “I can’t do it, baby. I destroy people, and I don’t want to destroy you…”
“Self-pity? Really? And you still think you’re not weak?”
That anger starts to rise inside me again, is she deliberately trying to wind me up?
“I said, don’t call me that, don’t fucking go there.”
“I don’t want you to walk away from me, Logan.”
“I’d only hurt you, Piper, look what happened to…”
“I’m not Reba. I’m not her.”
“I know.”
“What do you want, Logan?”
I look at her, right into her eyes, and I want her like the craziest, most addictive of drugs. But that promise I made myself all those years ago, I can’t ignore that.
“Look what we’ve been through, Logan. We owe it to ourselves to…”
“To what, Piper? I already told you once, I can’t promise you anything, and I can’t. There’s not gonna be a happy-ever-after, no fairytale ending, I can’t promise you shit.”
“Who said that’s what I want? When you and me first… Coming near me like you did; fucking me, Jesus, that was a risk, Logan. That was a risk, but you said you got off on taking risks, and yet, you’re standing here telling me I’m not worth that risk anymore?”
“That’s not what I’m saying, Piper.”
“It is. It’s exactly what you’re saying. You said, not five minutes ago, that we just need to put this shit behind us, and I accused you of making it all sound so easy. But you’re right. You’re right, Logan. It really is that easy.”
I reach out and tuck a strand of her hair behind her ear, and I lean in to kiss her neck, and as I do so I breathe her in, and that sends a kick to my gut so real and so hard it actually causes me to flinch. I need this woman. She’s my antidote to all the crap that surrounds me; that surrounds us. And I need her.
She slides a hand around the back of my neck and pulls me down, turning my head slightly so her mouth catches mine, and the kiss she gives me, it’s like nothing I’ve ever experienced before, it’s soft and warm, it’s like a freakin’ comfort blanket, shit! What the fuck’s happening here?
I drop my hand to her hip, and I pull her to me as the kiss deepens, I feel her nipples harden against my chest, and I don’t care that we’re in the living room of her gangster daddy’s Bel Air home, I don’t give a shit. I just want this woman. And I slide my hand around, loosen her jeans, just enough so I can slip my fingers inside and the second I touch her it’s like I’ve found my place, my home. She sighs quietly as I slide my fingers inside her, throws back her head, my mouth lightly brushing the base of her throat as I touch her deeper, my thumb circling her clit, I need to hear her come. I need to feel her release, I need it all, every inch of her, ‘cause she is worth the risk. But then she yanks my hand away, pushes me back, and for a second I’m confused. But as she shimmies out of her jeans I feel my cock react, her smile telling me she just wanted more, and I’m not gonna say no, I’m all in now.
She pulls me back toward her by my T-shirt, and her legs are wrapped around my hips before I can get another breath out, but I’m inside her now, I’m fucking her. I’m taking her, ‘cause she’s mine now. This woman, she’s mine. And that promise I made myself? Yeah. Fuck it. Who keeps promises anyway…?