CHAPTER EIGHT
Family
I’d no sooner killed my first person than Sterling had his arm around me, tugging me into the room he’d managed to open. I’d killed someone …
Ari was out cold on the table, one of his arms hanging off. He didn’t budge at all to indicate consciousness, and seconds later Sterling had him over his back. I hadn’t been needed on the mission at all. Ari wouldn’t know who moved him around or where he was going.
And I’d killed a man.
He was dead on the ground. I turned to stare at him. He was older than me, maybe in his early thirties, or he had been. He didn’t have an age anymore. He’d forever be dead …
Damian squeezed my shoulder. “He would have shot us.”
“I know.” But he was dead, and I’d done it. “When did you first kill someone?”
Sterling shook his head. “You two can do the whole ‘rundown on death’ off this ship. If it means anything, sweet baby, he was going to be dead in two minutes when I blew up this place.”
It didn’t.
* * *
Cash hovered over the unconscious Ari, reading the stats the med machine gave him. The buzz filled our small shuttle. Every once in a while, Cash muttered something about drugs and truth serums. Those drugs were illegal—or at least they were supposed to be. I doubted Garrison Sandler cared very much when it came to the laws of the land.
Sterling had lived up to his word. Two minutes after we were back on the shuttle, he’d targeted their engines and blown them all to hell. My family and the others fighting were going to want to know how he’d figured out their systems so easily.
My arm itched. I stared down at it. Cash had been right; the skin was coming back, the pink deepening. Itching was a small problem.
Damian plopped down next to me. “I’ll say it again. He would have killed us.”
“She didn’t have to kill him. You could have done it. Or she could have done what I told her to do and gotten behind me. I would have ended him.” Sterling leaned back in his chair.
Damian snorted. “I think she thought she had your back. You were busy.”
“Is that what you thought?” Sterling raised his eyebrows. “That I needed you to protect me?”
I’d had enough. Having already determined that my temper wasn’t reasonable, okay, or even rational, I really didn’t want to start screaming again, but I didn’t feel like shutting down either.
“Sterling, you’re being an asshole. Okay? I didn’t get behind you. Yes, I thought I could help you. Maybe that was stupid, but it was what it was. Did I anticipate I’d shoot someone? No. But I did it. And it’s not sitting well.”
He shrugged. “I didn’t even have to look at him to shoot him. The next time we do something like this, you do what I say when I say it. I can’t stop and argue with you in the middle of it.”
“Thank you for saving Ari. It means the world to me that you did. I love you. But there isn’t going to be a next time for this. I’m not sure that any of this should continue at all.”
How was it possible to love these men and still feel like they were complete strangers? Was it possible whatever chances we’d had disappeared on Orion?
Sterling opened and closed his mouth. I’d actually struck him dumb. That was okay, I was feeling pretty stupid myself. Nothing made sense, and I wasn’t sure it ever would again.
Ari groaned on the table, and Cash shut down the medical machine. He didn’t turn when he spoke to me. “Do you still love us, Diana?”
“I do.” I couldn’t pick my gaze up off the floor. “So why am I self-sabotaging? Why am I picking fights with all of you? Why am I so … off?”
“Well, you killed someone.” Damian came up behind me to hug me. “The first time I did that was with a knife in a fight on Ochoa. Unfortunately, I’ve had lots of experience since then. It hurts. It won’t stop hurting, but you’ll learn to live with it. That’s what we do, right? We don’t get to get over things. We simply adjust until they become part of us. We live with things we couldn’t have once imagined.”
I leaned my head on his arm. “Right.”
“And you had a long time thinking you’d never see us again.”
I kissed Damian’s arm. “What happens now?”
“We go back to the ship. Sterling drops his tough guy attitude. See, you didn’t know my brother here when we first got to Orion. He was downright calmed by the time you met him. Give him a couple of days. We turned his super-soldier back on.”
I raised my eyes to meet Sterling. His blue eyes were unreadable, cold, distant. Where was the guy who had painted me in the shower? Then again, where had I gone?
Cash strode over. “I think we all need to start dating again. We’ve been back together two minutes. Let’s do it. Let’s have dates. Then things will set back to where we can all feel less insecure. That’s all this is.”
“I’m sure you’re right. Not really sure how we’re going to date on Artemis.” What did he want us to do? Outside of our bedrooms, there wasn’t really anywhere else to hang out except one game room where there weren’t currently any games.
“We won’t be on Artemis for too much longer.” Sterling swiveled his chair so he didn’t have to look at us. “Once we get back to the ship, we’re twenty-four hours from the planet where we’re supposed to rendezvous with your family. Maybe the best thing we can do is to retreat to our separate spaces and see where we are when we get there.”
Damian snorted. “Is that your strategic position? Retreat?”
“Sometimes that’s the only way to win.”
I closed my eyes. I wanted to snap; I wasn’t a war for him to win, but I’d clearly said enough, probably for a lifetime.
If I’d thought things were going to be simple when I got back to Artemis, I was wrong. We’d no sooner stepped off the shuttle, still-unconscious lugging still-unconscious Ari to the med machine, than the shouting started again.
Lewis stepped in front of me, looking me up and down before he rounded on Cash. “Were you out of your fucking mind?”
“She’s obviously fine. I checked the pump mechanism twice. It’s working. Get out of my way. I’ve got to get Ari into the more advanced machine.”
I never would have seen it coming, but Lewis shoved Cash, who staggered backwards right in Damian. They both hit the floor. I rushed forward, but Sterling grabbed my arm.
“You’re only going to get hit accidently if you get into the middle of this now.” He nodded toward the group just as Judge rounded the corner. “And here it gets worse.”
Judge tore at Sterling, grabbing onto his shirt. “Were you out of your mind?” That seemed to be a theme. “Taking her on a mission like that?”
My husbands were fighting. All of them, pounding on one another and yelling. I suspected Sterling held back; he’d have killed Judge instantly if he weren’t. But he swung and punched Judge right in the jaw.
I decided to listen to Sterling’s good advice. I got out of the way. They’d work this out. I’d seen my brothers do this to each other on occasion. I didn’t want to be in the middle.
As quickly as I could, I made my way to my room. For the first time since I was married—or even before that—for the first time since I’d met them, I locked my door. Sterling had been right more than once. Retreat was what the situation called for.
All of my intentions to stay away from them lasted until the middle of the night. They’d been fighting. Maybe one or more of them were hurt. And Ari—I needed to know what was happening with him. The clock on my tablet displayed three in the morning. The ship’s computer had lowered the lights to keep us on the same clock as Mars Station. Or at least that’s what it used to be. The guys might have adjusted things when we were apart.
I opened the door and almost tripped over Judge, who sat on the floor. He jolted upward, catching me as he did.
“You okay?” His voice was low. In the dimmed light it was tough to see, but I could still make out that he had a black eye that had swollen to the point where he couldn’t open it.
I raised my hand to touch the injury and then stopped. I didn’t want to hurt him. “Am I okay? Look at you? Are you? Why aren’t you fixed?”
“I’m not asking the doctors for help right now. They’re not even speaking to each other or me, so I’m not sure they would anyway.”
Enough was enough. “Judge, I know you’re angry with me. You have every right to be. Look—”
He interrupted me, shaking his head strongly. “Di, I’m not angry. You should be at me. I had no right to come in here and start yelling. They took you off the ship, and I never got to apologize. I thought you’d be dead before I could.” One solo tear travelled down his cheek, and he batted it away. “Forgive me. I’m not mad at you for getting bitten. I’m mad at me. Okay? You got hurt because I screwed up.”
I kissed him. I loved Judge. Whatever funk I’d gotten in during a time that should have been joyful— but was, for some reason, not turning out that way— it didn’t change that he held my heart. They all did. But right then, he needed me, and I felt the same way.
His kiss was sweet when he returned my own. I wrapped my arms around his neck and let him pick me up in his arms. He carried me into my room and closed the door behind him. With the gentleness he always had, Judge laid me down on the bed.
“I love you.” He kissed my cheeks, my nose, my eyes. “Do you still love me?”
“I could never stop loving you.” I kissed his chin.
He breathed in deeply. “Here’s the thing. I had all these ideas about how this would be when we got you back. It was that very first night; it went just the way all of us imagined it would go.”
“Hot as hell.” Heat travelled up and down my spine even thinking about it.
“Right. But now it’s like things are strained. We’re not on Orion. We have to figure this out. Nothing, however, is ever going to change about how I feel about you. I don’t want to fight. I want to show you, over and over, how I love you.” I couldn’t take my eyes from his. “With my soul, with my heart, with my body.”
I reached between us, stroking his length beneath his clothes. . “I want to love you that way, too.” He flared his nostrils.
He pulled back a little. “Sit up, Di.”
I did as he instructed. With serious eyes, Judge pulled my shirt over my head, exposing my chest. Sometimes on Orion, I’d gone without a bra just to keep things simple, considering how often I found myself in the nude. My small pair of breasts didn’t always require support. But I’d taken to wearing one since I’d gotten on the ship. His gaze travelled over my chest, coming to rest on my pink brassiere.
“Pretty.” His index finger travelled over the outside of my bra. I shuddered with excitement. By the universe, I loved this man. “But not as lovely as what’s underneath.”
I had a tough time swallowing. Emotion threatened to overwhelm me. “I killed someone. On the ship. And I think Damian and Sterling wanted me to be okay with it. I should be. But I’m not.”
I don’t know why I needed to tell Judge right then. Except, I was fairly certain he might be the only one to understand me when it came to this subject.
He furrowed his brow. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I wish that hadn’t happened. The first time I had to kill someone, it was awful.”
“You’ve done it too? What?”
He kissed me gently, running his hands through my hair. “Di, it’s a miserable world out there. It makes me happy that you made it this long and that, when it came down to it, you could take care of yourself. Although I doubt very much that guy would have gotten close to you. Sterling and Damian would have killed him.” He took my hand in his and kissed my knuckles. “Can I make love to you, Di?”
“You know you never need to ask.”
He grinned, some color heating his cheeks. “I did tonight. It feels like … it’s starting over.”
“No, not quite. Because I didn’t know when we first met how much I would love you or how incredible you are. I didn’t know that …”
He cut me off, his mouth hard against mine. I lost myself in Judge. He was right. Anything could have happened today. Then, we would have ended in anger, and that was the last thing that should be between the two of us. My sweet, brilliant Judge, whose mind never shuts off—even when he sleeps—had been the first to tell me how he felt. He said he’d known I belonged to him even before we knew each other.
His hands were steady and slow as they traced my skin. I didn’t rush him, even though what I wanted were my breasts free of my bra and his cock deep inside of me. Judge needed to do things in his own time and in his own way.
Fortunately for me, I always ended up loving the journey with him that got us both to completion.
I tugged at his shirt, and without my having to voice what I wanted, he took the clothing off his body and threw it behind him. I ran my hands over his well-defined muscles. “You’re so built now, Judge.”
“As we discussed the other night, I’ll undo it if you don’t like it.”
I sat back on my elbows. “How could I ever not like something about you?”
He leaned over to kiss me right above my breasts. Seconds later, he undid my bra from the clasp in the front. “Sometimes I think I made you up in my mind. Sometimes I think I’m dreaming you.”
I ran my hand down his chest, letting my fingernails scratch him slightly. “Feel like a dream to you?”
“You always do.”
Judge ran his hands around my breasts, pinching my nipples, and soon I was lost to the sensations his attentions created in my body. His mouth met mine. We both breathed fast, panting really, kissing with our lips, our tongues, his chest pressed tightly to mine.
I lifted my hips to press against him, feeling his hardness though my clothes. He sucked in his breath. I loved his reactions, so I did it again.
He smiled against my lips. “Tease.”
“Nothing teasing about it.”
I tugged at his pants until they were off. Wherever clothes went in moments like this one mine disappeared to. His cock stood out before me, thick and all man. Scooting down, I didn’t give him a chance to realize what I wanted to do.
Judge had always been all about my pleasure. But sometimes it was my pleasure to give him some. I was never more turned on than when I could have him in my mouth. I stroked him once, from his balls to his tip. He shuddered and moaned.
“Di. You always make me so hot.”
I was glad. He did the same for me. I took him in my mouth. Judge was big. I was never going to get him all the way down my throat. I’d known that ahead of time. He hissed in his breath and said something. I didn’t hear it. Where I couldn’t take him down my throat, I followed with my hands.
He grew in my mouth, and I shifted to take more of him. Underneath me, his leg muscles clenched. I’d deep-throated him four times, and he was close.
“Stop.” He tugged at the back of my hair, and I lifted my eyes to look at him.
I let up for a second. “Stop?” He couldn’t possibly mean that.
“I want to be inside of you.” In a second I was flipped beneath him, his muscular body on view above me. He tugged at the clothes covering the bottom half of my body and threw them into the pile of the ones already discarded.
“You’re so beautiful, and I love coming in your mouth. It’s like the best treat ever. But tonight I want dinner. I want the whole entrée.”
I might not always have liked to be compared to food. But the way he looked at me, he could have used any metaphor he wanted and I would have melted into a pool of molten lava at his feet.
He pressed a finger inside of me, finding my clit. He circled my nerves once, then twice. I shuddered. “Judge …”
“Like that, Di? I know you do.” His voice lowered, and an expression so powerfully loving crossed his face. “I love you.”
“I know you do. I love you, too.”
He pushed inside of me with his dick, and I wrapped my legs around him to take him in deeper. Yes, he felt so good. Yes, he was my own. I tugged on his neck so he would kiss me. Judge always knew how I needed to be loved without being told. His movements were slow, determined. Every thrust inside of me coincided with his mouth meeting my own. Although I would have thought it impossible, he grew even bigger inside of me. My body clenched against his.
With one more thrust, he grinned against my mouth. “You’re close, Di. I love it. Come for me beautiful. Come for me, my heart.”
He reached between us, rubbing my clit one more time. Like an explosion, I came around him. Stars crossed over my eyes, and there was nothing in the universe except the way that Judge loved me.
Judge followed, his own pleasure coming slowly. I watched his face, my beloved Judge. Now and forever.
* * *
I didn’t know if Judge had a restless night’s sleep or not. Usually I woke when he started to wake, but I slept deeply in his embrace. I woke having not moved from the position, pressed against his side, where I’d fallen asleep. I raised my head to find Judge was still asleep, too.
Maybe he’d worn himself down too. What had woken me? Took me a second to see Damian leaning against the doorframe. I sat slowly. I must have heard him open the door.
He walked toward us. Like Judge, his face was battered. They really needed to all get themselves into the med bay.
I slipped off the bed, grabbing my shirt. Before I could put it on, Damian took it from my hand. “I prefer the naked.”
His gaze travelled slowly up and down my body. “Judge is such a lucky bastard.”
“Ah …” I wasn’t really sure of the protocol for this. We’d had group sex days ago but never on Orion. They usually gave each other a large berth when it came to sex with me.
Damian kissed me gently on the lips. “We’re at the planet where your family is. I thought you might want to make the call down to them.”
“Thanks.” I pressed my head to his shoulder, and he ran his hand down my back. “But make no mistake, Damian. You are all my family. Before we open comms to anyone, we need to have a family meeting.”
Everyone not speaking, beat up, and angry wasn’t going to work.
Judge made a noise from the bed before he dragged himself up. “Hi Damian.”
“Hey man.” Damian kissed my shoulder. “We good?”
Judge stood and came up behind me, hugging me on the other side of Damian. I was sandwiched between them. We didn’t have time for what I wanted to do while smooshed between them.
“I’m not thrilled you got through her door somehow when it was locked. But, yeah, we’re good. I didn’t know you had such a good left hook.”
I hated that they’d fought. “This is part of what we have to talk about.”
“Okay,” Damian answered but didn’t move. Neither one of them seemed particularly concerned with moving. “Diana, you are naked. I’m not sure I can move. Ever.”
I smiled. “Tell you what. Let’s have our meeting. Then we can speak with my parents and uncles. After that, if you still want to, I’ll go spend some time alone with you.”
Judge sighed against me. “Lucky bastard.”
“You had her all night.”
I could feel Judge smile. “Yeah, I did.”
* * *
We sat in the conference room. All of my guys looked worse for wear. Even the doctors hadn’t healed themselves. Sterling’s lip was so puffy I was surprised he could talk. Lewis had a headache. He kept rubbing that area on his forehead while keeping his gaze to the floor. Cash’s jaw was locked so tightly I could see a muscle pulsate in his cheek.
“I haven’t been a very good wife to all of you since I’ve been back, which, granted, hasn’t been very long. But a lot has happened, and I don’t think this can continue.” This was difficult, but that was why it was so necessary. “I’ve got issues. This won’t surprise any of you. But what I forgot, which I shouldn’t have, is that this whole thing doesn’t work unless I see to it that it does. We’re all part of this equation together, and I haven’t played my role.”
Judge tried to answer. “Di—”
I stopped him by touching his hand gently. “I grew up like this. None of you did. I have one father, five uncles, and my mom. I know how this works. She keeps it running. I’ve never been her. I can’t be. But I can do better than this. You’re my family. We got married. I would have spent the rest of my life alone to honor the love I have for all of you. I can’t have you fighting. It’s not okay with me if you’re not good to each other. I get that you had a relationship before me. You know each other better than I know you. But when we agreed to do this, things changed. You wanted me and I wanted all of you. We had ground rules we set up on Orion. You remember the No Fighting agreement? That means you maintain that balance even if I fall apart or get unreasonably angry. Because sometimes I might.” I took a deep breath and tried to hold in my tears. “If you’re not okay with that, if any of you think you made a horrible mistake and you want out, please let me know. That means now or later. Or whenever you think it. This is not a condition you can’t get out of.” All I had ever asked of them on Orion was not to fight and to agree they all wanted to be in a shared relationship with me.
I didn’t know what I would do if any of them told me they wanted to go. The absence of even one of them would feel like a death. Having multiple husbands didn’t make any one of them count less than the others.
Cash leaned back in his chair. “I don’t want out. I want to make you happy. I’m not doing that. None of us are right now.”
“You do, actually. I love you. All of you. Every day was … worthless. I was existing, not living. You give my life meaning, or at the very least, you remind me who I am and what I want. That’s you. All of you. I want to make you happy, too.”
Lewis smiled. “We can do better, Doll. We all can. You don’t want us to fight, we won’t fight.”
In that moment, I finally understood my mother. All the years she had pushed her will out onto everyone else, it hadn’t been because she wanted the world to revolve around Melissa Alexander. It was because she’d never had a choice. I had to be in charge. That was the only way to ensure their happiness.