FOUR
Zeus
Clouds shield the sun as I sit at the dining table, only the scratch of the probation officer’s pen as he rewrites the notes he took during our conversation cutting the silence. My gaze drifts from the overcast sky out the window and back to the stack of paper he has clipped to the portfolio.
“How many more of these do I have?”
His pen hesitates over the page, yet he doesn’t look up. “Two.” Liver spots dot the back of his hand.
“And then that’s it, right?”
He sets the pen down, reaching up instead to stroke the end of his handlebar moustache. “As far as check-ins are concerned.” His fingers weave together as he sets his hands on the table before him. “You’ll still need to keep your nose clean, though. Your history means that any reoffense won’t be tolerated. The judge is entitled to pass down a harsher sentence than usual, especially given your recent indiscretion.”
I nod as I turn my head and stare at the fluffy white clouds instead. “Sure.”
His portfolio closes with a smack before he tugs the zipper around the outside. “We’re all done for today, Zeus.”
“Passed with flying colours?” I stand as he does, eager to see him out.
I have work on the car I’d like to get done before the weather forces me to close up the garage.
“You’ve done fine.” He tucks the paperwork under his arm, hand resting possessively on top as though I’m about to tear it from his hold. “You’ve kept steady employment, haven’t received so much as a parking ticket since your warning, and you’ve stayed away from the Iron Horse as required.”
“Good.”
He gives a single nod before starting toward the front door. “I’ll see you in another six months.”
“Take it easy.” I return his nod with one of my own and wait at the door as he walks to his sensible government-issued sedan.
He leaves without a backward glance, his tyres barely making a sound as the car crawls out the driveway and onto the road.
I like it quiet. The peace gives me focus, allows me to concentrate on the task at hand. Although, I like it when it’s dark best of all. The lack of visual distraction means I can lose myself to a fantasy of what life might have been like had I made a different choice.
What would I be doing now if Belle never got on that plane? Would I be waiting here for her to get in from work? Standing out the front of our house?
I’m mid-step, my hand on the door, when the purr of an engine slowing roots me to the spot. Jodie’s car appears at the end of my drive, the nose dipping as she turns it toward the house.
I shut the door anyway.
No matter how many times I tell her that I’m doing just fine on my own, she comes around and sticks her fucking nose in anyway. If it weren’t for the fact she’s engaged with a kid now, I’d give her shit about missing me too much. But I know that’s not it.
She was the only one who witnessed the utter breakdown that sent me back inside. She was the only one who saw me hit rock bottom, determined to dig lower until I found myself in hell. I’m not proud of my moment of weakness, and fuck it all, I’m even more embarrassed that it left her fearing for my state of mental health.
“I’m fine,” I growl as the front door opens behind me.
“Of course. That’s why you shut the door in my face.” The metal rings on her purse rattle as she dumps it on the kitchen counter.
I keep my back to her, watching the clouds thicken in the sky. Hopefully it’ll be a storm. I miss the storms. Miss the way they make me feel, the things they remind me of.
The people.
Or person.
“Been shopping this week?” The seal of the fridge breaks, followed by her dissatisfied sigh. “What the hell are you living on, Zeus? You keep shrinking and there’ll be nothing left of you.”
Maybe that’s the point? Staying big, staying muscular, only attracted unwanted attention from women. There’s only one person I wanted that kind of appreciation from, and when she was twelve thousand kilometres away it didn’t make much sense to stay on at the gym.
“I eat enough to keep me alive.”
She huffs, her shoes tapping across my wooden floor as she approaches. “I’m heading to the shops now, so if you need anything, make me a list.”
“A couple of cans of degreaser.”
“Anything for the kitchen,” she deadpans as she stops shoulder to shoulder with me. “What are you looking at?”
“The clouds.”
Her silence says it all.
“Have you seen her?” My voice is small, pathetic. It’s everything I am when it comes to Belle.
“She only got in this morning; I’ll see her in good time.” Jodie steps between the window and me, concern etched in the pinch of her brow. “How did you know she was back?”
“John told me.”
“That sabotaging son of a—” she mutters under her breath. “Why would he do that?”
“To warn me to stay the fuck away, apparently.” I drop my gaze to hers and lift an eyebrow.
She shrugs, walking over to the armchair and dropping onto the seat. “You wouldn’t be silly enough to do that though, would you?”
“Do what?” I turn and face her, hands in my pockets.
“Try to see her.” Jodie’s eyes silently plead with me to give up the plan she’s clearly convinced I have.
There isn’t one. No scenario that enters my mind ends well. Not when she’s shacked up with some other guy. So why bother?
“It’s not worth my time, is it?” I narrow my gaze on her. “Not when she has a fucking boyfriend, fiancé, whatever the fuck he is.” If I so much as stepped foot in the same room as a guy who’d had his hands on Belle…. Maybe I should have asked what exactly the judge would dish out if I ended up back in the courtroom?
“When are you going to move on, Z?” She rests an arm casually on the side of the chair, relaxing her position. “How many women have you been with in the last three years?”
“Jodie,” I warn with a frown.
“I’m serious,” she says. “Okay, so you spent the first three or four months sulking after she left. But that leaves over two years where you could have been making the most of the fact you aren’t that old yet, and you’re still quite the catch.”
“This is fucking weird coming from you.” I cross my arms, hoping like fuck she’ll drop the topic.
“It’s necessary.” She leans forward to glare at me from under her lashes. “How many?”
“Two.”
“Jesus,” she whispers to herself, looking away. “Really?”
“Really.”
“Look. I know you won’t come out with us, but just consider it, okay? Maybe I can leave Eric at home with bubs one night and be your wingwoman?”
“Fuck me,” I groan. “How about you hand me a shovel and help me dig my grave.” She frowns, clearly confused. “I’d rather stay at home spanking one out than go to the bar with my ex-wife to find a fuck for the night.”
Jodie’s lips flatten in a thin line as she snorts in an effort to suppress her laugh. “I guess when you put it like that.”
The two of us chuckle at the visual. It feels good to laugh. Unwelcome, but good.
“At least I got to you to loosen up,” she says with a smile. “I worry about you, Z. You’re pretty dark a lot of the time now.”
My smile fades, and I turn back to the window. “Happens when the sunshine gets ripped from your life.”
I catch Jodie’s sigh, and the shuffle of her moving off the seat. “Look. I’m not saying it’s a great idea, but maybe you should consider meeting up with Belle?”
I spin around, my brow pinched hard as I try to work out why the fuck she’d even suggest that. “How in the hell would that help?”
“Maybe you could settle the things that were left unsaid?” She shrugs. “Get closure.”
“Nothing was left unsaid,” I snap. “That’s the problem.”
I left things with Belle exactly as I intended—with her knowing that I love her, and that my feelings would never change.
I said exactly what I wanted to, and I choose to remember it that way.
What I don’t want is to hear what she has to say now. Not when all the bullshit she’d have to say about how great her new guy is, how happy she is, would tear away the last shred of who I am, the last reason I have to keep living, keep hoping.
Sometimes it’s best to lie to ourselves.
Sometimes it’s the only way to keep alive.