Track 13: Homesick
“Every little moment with you is every little reason
why it feels like half my heart is missing.
If home is where the heart is,
then I’m homesick for you.”
2 Weeks later
I BLEW ANOTHER BUBBLE, THE popping of it like a soundtrack to my nervous tick as I waited to take the stage in Santa Clara, wishing I could turn and run as fast as I could into the ocean instead.
Not really. But sort of.
“Love is in the air (literally!) for Blake Tyler!”
After Texas, we’d flown to Vegas for three shows at the Aria. California was this weekend and next, then onto Denver. Show after show. Kiss after kiss. Lie after lie.
“Dinner, Carriage rides, Duets… This popstar’s very own fairytale is unfolding right before our eyes!”
Zach was that sensation in my life where I couldn’t tell whether he was hot or cold, real or fake—all I knew was that he burned. After that interview, it felt like everything changed even though everything stayed the same. Don’t ask how that is possible, but it is.
Case-in-point: our day trip in Vegas. We’d taken a break from the commotion on the Strip to head out to the Hoover Dam. I’d gone from laughing so hard that I cried, trying to get away from the spray that would turn my hair into a frizzy mess, to warm and tingly when Zach pulled me close.
I could have spent forever standing there in the mist with his arms wrapped around me, his hands stuffed in my jacket pockets. That moment, when I tilted my head up and Zach looked at me like I was all he wanted before bending down to kiss me, still replayed in my head like the end of a Hallmark movie.
Even though I knew that the gesture was staged for the slew of curious eyes fixed on us, the kiss sent electricity up and down my spine, making my heart beat erratically. It. Was. Real. What we had was unstoppable, no matter what my mind argued—or tried to bargain away.
The cameras that accompanied every excursion were the devils on my shoulder flashing reminders that it felt that way because it was supposed to look that way.
Emotions are the worst indicators of reality.
Their insistence became louder every day. Especially when we’d managed to keep to the pact we’d made in his hotel room. Translation: we hadn’t been completely alone since Valentine’s Day.
I’d come to the conclusion that we were living in this sort of Wonderland—where it was never worse, but never better.
“Ready, B?” Tay came up to me, holding out a tissue in front of my face for me to spit my gum into.
“Yeah,” I answered with a sigh.
“Just a few more weeks, ok?” She gave me an encouraging smile that I attempted to return. “Things are going really well. I know I keep telling you that but, seriously, it couldn’t be going any better.”
“Blake Tyler finally catches her perfect guy! (After throwing back all the rest of them!)”
Her hand rubbed comfortingly over my back.
“Easy for you to say when your childhood obsession isn’t being dangled in front of your face every night.” My joke fell flat. Jokes that aren’t really jokes tend to do that.
“It could be worse.” I groaned, knowing she was definitely going to find something to make me count my blessings. “I could have told you that you needed to date Stevie Cunningham.”
I laughed and playfully smacked her arm. Let’s just say Stevie Cunningham was one of those kids who hadn’t figured out personal hygiene by the time high school rolled around, but was still convinced he was hot shit; there wasn’t a week that went by that he didn’t ask Taylor out, whisper that she was secretly his girlfriend, or try to corner her in the hall to get her number.
She was right, it could be much worse.
Then again, there was no way in hell that I’d ever be in danger of falling in love with Stevie Cunningham.
My heart may be going haywire with all of the mixed signals that it was getting, but my reputation was steadily thriving. And that was the whole point of this stupid thing. I should be happy.
Be happy, stupid heart.
The day we’d spent out together had jump started it, but it was the interview that cemented that this was something different for Blake Tyler—that this love was real.
They had no idea.
Since then, duets had been a requirement for each show. Not always something slow and steady. Last weekend, we even had the other ZPP guys come out and perform ‘Life is a Highway’ with us. It was new and fun and our chemistry on stage was almost as good as it was off.
Tonight was my night to choose. With the way my insides were being twisted in every direction and after my phone call with my parents last night, I’d opted for ‘Home’ by Michael Bublé. I laughed and made sure there was a smile on my face as I spoke because I didn’t want them to hear my worry and my hurt.
“Just remember, B, don’t cross the line,” Tay added as I stared out onto the stage where the lights were flickering, indicating that the show was going to start soon.
She didn’t know it, but I’d come to realize that there was a line between Zach and me, only it didn’t separate us; it was the line in the chorus that sang, ‘I’ve been loving you for such a long, long time.’
It was a line that would only ever lead me directly to him.
I jumped when an arm came around my shoulder. Not Zach; my body always knew when he was close.
“You good, Blay?” I tilted my face to see my brother’s brown eyes narrowing on me with concern.
He looked like he stepped out of a J. Crew ad with his khakis and blazer, stylishly calm and collected. His face told a different story. I saw how he pushed Zach away after New York—cold and curt to his oldest and best friend. And I saw how it affected Zach; he tried to play it off like Ash was just busy and dealing with a lot of inquires for ZPP to perform since they’d become insta-famous.
It was a lie.
Ash hated seeing Zach and me together—even when he knew it was faked.
And with me, my brother had become even more protective—always stepping in to do anything that Zach might offer or ask to do. Holding the door. Making sure to bring me water when I walked off stage. He only let Zach near me when absolutely necessary. It was a complete one-eighty from when we were younger—even after the whole graduation party incident—he never cared to leave the two of us alone.
“Great,” I answered with a forced smile.
“Over halfway done. Then this shit will be over. Done and gone.”
I winced at the hard edge in his voice. He rubbed his hand over his mouth and I could have sworn it was to cover a curse. Then with a nod to no one, he walked away and left me with only one mind-numbing, heart-stopping, soul-crushing thought: What was going to happen when this was over?
Like lightning, it only took one brilliant crack for my calm and sanity to burst into flames.
When this was over… and Zach was gone.
My mind spun like a top out of control. He’d be gone. Everything would go back to the way it was. Everything except my heart. My brother’s statement burned away all of my excuses and rationalizations.
I’d fallen in love with Zach Parker, again.
Or, more depressingly, maybe I just realized that I’d never really gotten back up from the first time I fell.
I choked, trying to suck in air that felt like was vanishing. I focused on my breath. I focused on the thing I needed to survive. Zach was right. I didn’t know the moment I’d fallen in love with him; all I felt now was that the only thing that was keeping me alive was being ripped from me.
Tay quickly handed me the water bottle she’d been carrying, looking at me with concern.
“Sorry. Thanks,” I said, replacing the cap. “Let’s get this show on the road.”
Buttoning my blazer, I squared my shoulders, shoving all of my painfully conflicting emotions back down deep inside the little cage I’d had to build for them—a task I’d perfected over these past few weeks.
I put on the sparkling smile that my adoring fans were expecting to see and walked out onto the stage like the show wasn’t going to cost me another piece of my heart.
Smile and wave. Just smile and wave.
Step after step, all of me threatened to fall apart as the edge of the stage seemed to get farther and farther away. Rep-u-ta-tion. I was tied together with that smile but I was rapidly coming undone. I made it to side and out of the lights, stalked by hollers and cheers for another encore, and my shoulders completely collapsed.
I felt the lyrics to ‘Home’ right down to my bones earlier and they’d echoed in the space for the rest of the performance; that was me—surrounded by a million people and yet I still felt all alone.
I felt like I was living someone else’s life—the fairytale the world thought I had—the one where Blake Tyler actually gets what she wants.
I needed to get out of here.
“Hey! Blake, are you ok? What’s wrong?” Taylor pushed through the group of people that always surrounded me when I walked off stage—to take off the mic, hand me water, etc. “Go,” she said forcefully and they all dispersed.
“I just need to get out of here. It’s… hot,” I said thickly. “I-I feel like I can’t breathe.”
She tugged off the blazer I had on, leaving me in just the white cowl-neck shirt and black jeans. “Alright, let me go grab our things and then we’ll leave. How does some In-and-Out and Netflix sound? Good, yeah?” she asked as she squeezed my arm, directing me away from the stage before she disappeared down the hall.
Most days, Tay knew me better than anyone. But today, I felt like I didn’t even know myself.
“Blake?” He always found me at my weakest. Or maybe I always found him when I needed him.
My crossed arms unraveled as I spun to face the man who didn’t want my heart.
He stalked over to me, his hands gripping into my shoulders. “What the hell happened? What’s wrong?” he asked as he tipped my face to his.
“Nothing.” I turned my chin from his grasp. I couldn’t look at him right now. I felt like I was in the middle of the desert, starved of water for days, and I couldn’t tell if what was in front of me was really what could save my life or if it was just another mirage.
“Bullshit,” he growled. “More bullshit than the time you lied to your mom about knowing the truth about Santa Claus because you didn’t want to get Ash and me in trouble for telling you.”
I gulped and shifted nervously. I was a horrible liar.
“I-I just need to get out of here. I can’t breathe—”
Was I having a panic attack?
Right in front of him?
Seriously?
I could hear the blood pounding in my ears. My head felt weightless as it tried to free itself from my body that was weighed down with utter brokenness. Embarrassment made it worse. God, where was Tay?
“Ok! I have all our—” Taylor cut off, stopping abruptly in the hall when she saw Zach and me, looking between the two of us.
“I’ll take that,” Zach said, grabbing my favorite worn L.L. Bean bag from her hand. “Let’s go.”
He grabbed my hand and I stumbled.
“Wait, where are you going?” Tay asked following us out towards the parking lot.
“I’m taking her someplace where she can relax,” he said gruffly, opening the passenger door of his rental mustang and ushering me inside.
I was in a fog—throat, tongue, thoughts—everything was heavy and thick and I felt like I was suffocating.
“Alright.” I heard Tay’s worried response. “Let me know if you need anything.”
“Thanks.” The door shut next to me but I could still hear the last thing that he said. “Tell Ash she’s with you. Sick. Please.”
“Where are we going?” I managed to ask, a few minutes into the drive. My legs were pulled up onto the seat, my heels from the show discarded on the floor of the car.
“You’ll know when we get there,” was the only response that I got.
Another few miles weaving through city streets and I had my answer. The beach.
Zach pulled in and drove to the far end of the lot. Not that it mattered. No one was here this late at night anyway.
“Alright, Baby Blake, let’s go.”
I stood too quickly, blood rushing to my head and I felt my knees give way.
“Christ,” he swore, hoisting me up into his arms.
Like I weighed no more than a football, he carried me over the sand, heading straight for the water’s edge.
And he didn’t stop there.
He kicked off his shoes and then, clothes and all, he carried me into the chilled waves that soothingly lapped the shore.
“What are you doing? We have clothes on!” I cried out as we went deeper, the water now at his waist and coming quickly for me.
“Going for a swim.” And then my legs dropped, splashing into the sea. “I think they’ll dry.”
I gasped as the cold soaked them, but Zach still held me safely tight against his chest. I knew he was trying to put me at ease, but my stomach was already in knots from the show—knots that seemed impossible to disentangle.
“Jerk,” I shot at him, wrapping my legs around his waist and holding myself tightly to his chest for warmth if nothing else.
He just chuckled.
We just stood there for a minute and he made no move to release me. He didn’t ask questions. He didn’t demand to know what happened. He just let me anchor to him and allow the waves to rock my emotions back to some sort of equilibrium.
“I can’t do this, Zach,” I whispered softly, the words finally finding their way to the surface.
“Can’t do what, Blay?” The soft rasp in his voice sent shivers to all the parts of me that got me in trouble. “The tour?”
The tour.
I ducked my head and the tears let loose. He probably thought I was crazy—a simple question turned me into a sob fest, but I couldn’t stop. My whole body heaved in the water against him as sobs shook my body.
“Blake, baby,” he hushed, holding me—rocking me. “It’s alright. I got you. It’s all going to be alright.”
Seconds were stained with tears as I cried into the corner of his neck, my arms wound tightly around him. Delicate. Protected. How I felt in his arms broke me further. I couldn’t continue to pretend like my feelings for him were just for show; it was like trying to hide the fact that my heart was beating—at some point, trying to hide it was going to destroy me.
“I just want to… need to know… is it killing you like it’s killing me?”
“Oh Blay,” he said gently, pushing my now-damp hair away from my ear to whisper soothingly, “It’s just a few more weeks. Then they’ll forget about everything that came before. People like to throw rocks at things that shine.”
He didn’t know. He didn’t understand. And I couldn’t find the words to make him.
“Blake,” his fingers on my face tightened and his demanding stare intensified. “Listen to me. Forget about the cameras. Reality isn’t in a static image or a tagline. The cameras are liars—liars because they stop time, which cannot be stopped; liars because they show everything in focus when nothing is ever in focus. You can’t see the real you through a lens so let the drama queens find their fix somewhere else. This system is built in such a way that the truth doesn’t always win out. But your fans will still be there and they will still love you.”
I shook my head against his shoulder.
“They don’t know me, Zach. I barely know me.” Tears clogged my throat. It was all too much. Constantly surrounded and yet I still felt all alone.
“What do you need me to do?” He pulled back and brushed the hair away from my face, searching for my eyes that I wouldn’t give him. I shook against him—from the cold or the sobs building inside, I couldn’t tell. “Shh…” he whispered with the waves. “I’m here. When you lose where you came from, I’ll be here. When you forget the way to go, I’ll be here. And when you feel like no one is standing beside you, I’ll be here. Just be still, Blakebaby. I’m here. I’ve got you. Just tell me what you need.”
I sobbed for what seemed like no reason and every reason at the same time. I wished I could tell him what to do. I wished I could give an order and it would appear—just like anything else in my life could. I could ask for Mariska Hartigay to show up in my room tomorrow to film an episode of Law & Order and someone would make it happen. But I couldn’t ask for Zach Parker’s heart.
“I can’t, Zach. I can’t do us.” My lip quivered. “Maybe they’re all right. Maybe I’m not capable of a relationship.” A pitiful laugh escaped me. “At this point, I’m not even capable of a fake one apparently. I thought after all this time I could, but there is no faking it for me. You’re the song that’s inside of my soul. And I’ve tried, Zach, I’ve tried to re-write it over and over again. But what I feel for you doesn’t change; the notes are notched into my bones.”
I felt his body tense against me, but the water was a safe space. It would wash all my star-crossed heartache away.
“Blake…”
I quickly pressed on before he—or the more circumspect side of me—had me swallowing my words once again.
“This was a mistake,” I continued. “But I didn’t know. I didn’t know what you were.”
“And what’s that?”
I blinked twice as though it should have been obvious. “The piece that makes me… me. I think that… I’m only me when I’m with you.” I swallowed. “But I’m not really with you. Which means that I can never really be me. And that is why I can’t do this.” My words picked up steam—or maybe it was only the emotions behind them. “With you, I forget about the cameras. I forget that this is all part of an act. I forget that I’m supposed to be a different person just because they see me. I forget because I want to be with you—I want you to be mine.” I paused to swallow over the lump in my throat, hoping that the water splashed on my face camouflaged the tears. “But then you strike a chord that stops everything and reminds me that none of this is real—just like the rest of my glamorous life.”
“Blake…” I could hear the weight in his voice, but I couldn’t hold it in any longer. He could pretend like there was nothing to talk about between us, but I couldn’t.
I wouldn’t.
“N-no,” I insisted, whipping my head side to side. “I thought I’d be ok with it, but I’d rather not have you at all, than have this where I question everything I’ve ever felt about you. I’d rather have nothing, Zach, than feel like I’m losing everything.”
It came out in a rush. Was it a mistake that I said all that? Probably. Because I knew that this tie between us was delicate. But this was what was in my head. And in my heart.
“Blake, stop,” he gritted out through clenched teeth and I could practically hear another reprimand coming.
“No. We should go.” I started to move, frantic to get away from my downfall. “You don’t have to do this. I’ll be fine. We should go.”
Denial. I could live in denial for a few more weeks after I cried out the rest of my heart and soul tonight.
“We’re not going anywhere,” he said harshly, yanking me hard against his chest, water splashing between us as my hips jerked into his.
He was hard. I could feel his length between us. I’d felt it from the moment he picked me up earlier. But I’d learned to stop believing that it was going to change anything between us.
Some things run deeper than desire.
“Why?” I demanded, unable to stifle a sob. “So you can tell me to suck it up? To ‘stop whining, Baby Blake’? Or maybe just to remind me that wanting me is just for show—or better yet that it’s a mistake? I-I can’t hear it again. I can’t—”
Hard, unyielding lips crashed down on mine, halting my hysterics. One arm locked around my waist, the other speared through my hair, angling my head so his tongue could claim every inch of my mouth and force those words right back down my throat.
Hot. Possessive. Punishing.
I hated how nothing about his desire felt faked. I loved how nothing about his desire felt faked.
Our mouths moved together like a duet that only we knew how to sing. High and low. Fast, then slow. The rest of the world drained into black and white, but this… us… we were singing in color.
His arms pulled me tighter against him, barely leaving room for any water to fill between us. And still, I wanted to be closer. I wanted to mold into him… seep into his pores… so that it would be impossible for him to let me go—or push me away. My tongue shoved against his, begging for more—pleading for his marks. And he gave them to me. Nipping, sucking, stroking, he covered the entire scale of sins that only he could inflict on my mouth.
My body burned. I waited for the water that lapped against us to start hissing and turn into smoke at any moment. The ocean was becoming our own personal hot tub, heated by our desire that seeped into it.
Why was I not stopping this? I know I should except it’s all I’ve ever wanted.
I liked (too much) the way he was everything I ever wanted.
I knew I should stop it. I was here because I wanted to stop it. But I couldn’t. It’s only going to feel good tonight and then the heartache hangover in the morning is going to break me. He’ll break my heart and I’ll only have myself to blame. I’ve seen this story play out before because it’s my story. This is my heartbreak song on repeat and yet for some reason, every time the damn thing comes on, I sing along like this time it’s going to change its tune.
His hips began to rock into mine. His erection rubbed against my sex in slow motion as the water displaced. I was wet. Everything. Everywhere. Because of him.
“Blake,” he said with a deep voice, tugging my lower lip into his mouth and sucking on it like I was his favorite candy. “I want you. Fuck, I’ve always wanted you.”
I shook my head, unwilling to believe it, but he covered my lips again, not giving me any other choice.
“Yes. You.” He forced my gaze to his and I lost myself in those starry eyes that were sparkling up my darkest night. “You aren’t a mistake. You are perfect, Blakebaby. And I’ve wanted you for as long as I’ve denied it.”
Goosebumps rained down over my skin, his words igniting heat low in my stomach. My heart tripped and sputtered as it tried to catch up with what he said. Was I dreaming?
I should push him away. I should walk—run—away.
But he was quicksand.
“None of this is fake, right here.” His hand slid down, fingers gripping my chin firmly. “Nothing between us has ever been fake.” He gently kissed my lips. “Hidden.” Kiss. “Denied.” Kiss. “Avoided.” Harder kiss. “But the feelings behind it all haven’t changed—they’ve always been real.”
His thumb rubbed over my lip that dropped open, wanting to believe what I was hearing.
“W-what are you saying?” I whispered like he’d drugged me with the truth. “Why are you saying it?”
“I tried. I swear I tried for your sake. And for Ash’s.” A tortured strain entered his voice. “I tried to stay away. I tried to keep my promise. But I want you. And I knew from the first goddamn note we played that I’d be breaking all my rules to be with you.” Was I dreaming? “I can’t… I won’t… continue to watch the light in your eyes when you’re with me fade as soon as you think it’s just one more performance—that I don’t walk away from you each and every goddamn time hating myself.”
His harsh laugh rumbled against me. “Like I haven’t needed to jack off like a fucking teenager every night since Miami because I want you so badly that I can taste that sweet pussy of yours on my tongue.” His fingers flexed into me.
I bit my lip as a small whimper escaped my mouth, my hips subconsciously rocking against his hard length.
“Like I haven’t continued fighting this battle even though the war was already won.”
“Then why would you say those things?” I asked hoarsely, crippling fear of the past repeating itself cluttering my desire. “Why would you make me believe you didn’t?”
His hand cupped the side of cheek. “For all the wrong fucking reasons, Blakebaby.”
I shivered again at the nickname that strummed on a string directly attached to my heart.
“Against the law. Against the bro code. Against my promise to your brother,” he continued, and I watched his face darken, plagued by the thoughts that whispered betrayal.
“Zach—”
He pressed a hard kiss to my lips. “No, Blay. You aren’t alone. I thought if I denied it for long enough, it would become true. But all it’s done is become torture. And I won’t do it anymore.” His breath caressed my cheek. “I’m here… I’m here, baby, and I can’t do this anymore either. I won’t keep lying that every touch—every word—is feigned when the truth is that every piece of it is coming from a part of my heart that I’ve tried to stop from beating. But I can’t, Blay. I can’t because you are the beat in my heart.”
I felt every word and every inch of him as it seeped into me. Like the wet clothes clinging desperately to my skin, I clung to him. My teeth sank into my lip to hold my breath, unwilling to let this moment go.
This was the moment I’d been waiting for my whole life—the moment when the god finally seduced me. And I couldn’t decide if it was really a choice—this getting swept away?
“What are we doing?” I finally whispered. My only motivation for breaking the magic of being swallowed up by star-reflecting waves was to go wherever he would take me.
“I’m going to do what I should have done a long time ago.”
His stare was hungry and determined and a thrill ran through my body, knowing that this was a look I’d never seen before except in my dreams.
“And what’s that?” I don’t know why I asked. He was so close and all I wanted was to taste his mouth again.
“Make this real. Make us real… Make you mine.” He leaned in and brushed his lips to mine, his breath hot against my skin.
Thank goodness for strong water and strong arms to keep me afloat.
“And you, Baby Blake,” he continued with a slight grin, “are going to let me.”
“Oh, I am?” I asked, wishing it came out feistier and less breathless—but beggars can’t be choosers. “And why would I do that?”
“Because now that I have you, I won’t let you go,” he said with a soft, bewildered possessiveness that dug right into the deepest, most vulnerable part of me that had loved him since I knew what love was. Whatever he meant, whatever this was, it was sincere.
Any other thoughts I had were drowned out by the desire screaming through my veins. My world had begun to feel like a black and white movie until now when he kissed me and held me close; it had been monochromatic misery until he painted me golden.
Heaven help me now.