Chapter Six
Lennon
“So. This is Newcastle, huh?” Daisy asks, staring out the window at the steady drizzle of rain and fog.
“Isn’t it charming?” Levi asks, his voice flat as he reaches for his coffee cup.
“It actually has its high points,” I say. Before I can expound on what those points might be, my attention is distracted by the sight of Haylee crossing the hotel lobby into the small restaurant where we now sit. Her bassist, James, is with her, talking rapidly, gesturing with both hands. Haylee is wearing sunglasses despite the rain—and the fact that she’s inside. As James’s voice rises, she visibly winces. I grin to myself, knowing the signs of a monster hangover when I see one.
“Wow,” Levi says, and I tear my attention away from Haylee to look at him. His eyebrows are raised, a knowing look on his face. “The singer, huh?” he asks, his smirk widening. “Not a bad choice.”
“Shut up, Levi,” I mutter, reaching for my own coffee cup and trying to ignore the look my two oldest friends share across the table.
“I think she’s nice,” Daisy says, her eyes on the pair as they find a seat. She focuses on my face. “You guys have been spending a bit of time together.”
“Not really,” I say quickly. After that flight—God, that amazing flight—I had hoped we could explore our connection, spend some time together. But in the week and a half we’ve been on the road, Haylee has been distant. Friendly. Social with the band and the crew. But that fleeting connection we found—or, at least, I thought we found—flying across the ocean seemed to have been silenced. I don’t like how much that bothers me.
“You’ve been hanging out after every show,” Levi points out.
“Yeah, with the rest of the band and half the crew.”
“You had breakfast together in Manchester.”
I glare at him. “Are you keeping tabs on me, Levi?”
He rolls his eyes. “Yes, Len. I have absolutely nothing else to do besides babysit your lame ass.” He gestures at the thick folder in front of him, filled, I know, with details about our itinerary. Levi’s recent promotion from head roadie to tour manager has added to his workload considerably. The fact that he’s separated from Karen for the first time in weeks doesn’t seem to be helping his mood.
“Why don’t you talk to her?” Daisy asks, ignoring our sniping. “You guys seemed to hit it off so well on the plane.” She smiles. “I got up to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night, and you were still up talking.”
If I close my eyes, I can see her face, the way it looked that night in the darkened cabin. We reclined our seats and turned our heads to face each other—and sat like that all night, talking about pretty much everything.
Well, not everything. I didn’t tell her about the accident. Or any of the other bullshit that currently has my brothers and Levi so worked up. And that was the problem, really. I sigh, running my hands through my hair. What in the hell do I have to offer a girl like Haylee?
Daisy frowns, as if she’s reading my thoughts. “You should talk to her. You’re a catch, Len.”
“You really think I’m in the best shape to be… I don’t know. Wooing someone?”
Levi snorts but covers his mouth when I glare at him. Unfortunately, he’s not the only one who heard me.
“Who are you wooing?” Paige squeals.
“Oh, dear God,” I mutter, closing my eyes. This was just what I needed.
“Shh,” Daisy tells her, shooting a glance over at Haylee’s table. Which is just fantastic, because Paige’s head turns to follow Daisy’s glance. “Oh my God,” she whispers, as excited as I’ve ever heard her. “You like Haylee!”
“Shut up, Paige,” I say as Daisy reaches over and grabs her friend’s arm, pulling her into a chair.
“She didn’t hear me,” Paige says easily. She can see Haylee’s table from her vantage point. “She’s just talking to James. I think she has a hangover.” She turns back to me, eyes flashing. I’m in so much trouble. “When did this happen?”
“Nothing happened, Paige. Daisy and Levi are just giving me a hard time.”
Paige is stroking her cheek, a thoughtful expression on her face. “You do stare at her a lot.”
“I do not!”
“And you guys talked, like, that entire flight.”
“I hate my life.” I reach for my mug. Of course, it’s empty. Perfect. A conversation with Paige about my love life and there isn’t even any coffee.
“I think it’s great,” she’s saying. “She seems really nice, and you deserve someone nice, Len.”
“Paige, please don’t make a big deal of this,” I say. “There is nothing going on, okay?”
“But if you like her—”
“I didn’t say that I liked her.”
She waves away my words. “Please. I totally have an eye for this. I can tell.”
Levi tries to cover a laugh, and I turn to him, glaring. “This is your fault, ass.”
“Oh, come on, Len.” He pushes my shoulder lightly. “It’s not a big deal. So you like a girl. We’re not in kindergarten anymore.”
“No, we’re not,” I say, voice strained. “We’re at work.”
“Oh, don’t be so uptight,” Paige says. “I hooked up with Reed on tour, and look at how well that’s turned out!”
“I’m not feeling like it turned out so well for me at this particular moment, Paige.”
“What we need,” she says, reaching for Levi’s notebook, “is a plan.”
“No,” I say firmly. “Please. No plans.” I look to Daisy for help, but she’s clearly trying not to laugh.
“I’m sorry,” she says, straightening. “Paige, I don’t think Len is really ready—”
“You know what I think?” Paige interrupts, crossing her arms and looking at me. “I think you’ve spent enough time feeling bad about things. You deserve to have a little fun, Lennon.”
I sigh, wondering how it’s possible both to want to strangle her and to feel touched at the same time. That was Paige for you.
“If something was going to happen, Paige—” I hold up my hand at the look of joy on her face—“and I’m not saying that it will,” I add quickly. “But if it was, I would want it to happen naturally, okay? No plans.”
She pouts. “But plans are so fun.”
“Oh, God,” Reed says, appearing at the side of our table. “What’s she trying to drag us all into now?” But he’s smiling at her as he takes the empty seat next to his girlfriend.
I, on the other hand, couldn’t feel less like smiling. It was bad enough that Paige overheard us talking about Haylee. I have no desire for my brothers to get in on the topic. I try to get her attention, scowling, but she ignores me.
“I’m trying to convince your brother that he should make a move on Haylee.”
Great. Just great.
Reed’s gaze flickers across the room to Haylee, his eyes narrowing before he turns back to me. “Haylee?”
“It’s nothing,” I say. But even as I hope he’ll drop it, some emotion in my chest is pricked by the look on his face. The narrowed eyes, the worry lines in his forehead. It couldn’t be clearer that Reed, at least, thinks Haylee and I would be a very bad idea.
“I don’t think it’s nothing,” Paige says primly.
“I think you should butt out,” I snap, my voice much harsher than I intend. Her eyes widen a little bit, and I immediately feel bad. “I’m sorry.” I sigh. “Just drop it, okay?”
“Okay,” she says, her voice small. “I just wanted… you know I just want you to be happy, right?”
“I’m fine, Paige.”
“Sweetie,” Reed says, his voice tight. “Why don’t you take Daisy and Levi upstairs so Lennon and I can talk.”
Paige’s eyes flash between me and her boyfriend, and I’m not sure which one of us has hurt her feelings more. “Okay,” she says again, standing. “I’ll… see you later then.”
Levi stands to follow her, but Daisy remains in her seat, arms crossed. “Daisy,” Reed says, a little louder. A little sharper. “I need to talk to Lennon.”
“It’s fine,” I say, feeling exhausted before the lecture even starts. I nod at her, and she sighs a little, standing.
“You be nice,” she mutters to Reed as she passes, hand on her belly. Pregnancy seems to be making Daisy a bit more defensive than normal. Or maybe she’s just more worried about me than she lets on.
“I’m sorry I snapped at Paige,” I say the moment they’ve gone, hoping to head off the reaming that I’m sure is coming my way. But Reed waves my apology away.
“I’m not worried about that right now.”
That would be a first. My brother is usually fiercely protective of Paige. But his eyes remain narrowed as he searches my face. “I want to talk to you about Haylee.”
“Jesus.” I rub my hands roughly across my face. “Not you too.”
But from the look on his face I’m fairly certain that Reed’s intention is not to help me get the girl. He clears his throat. “Do you really think you’re ready for something like that?”
“Something like what?” I don’t bother to keep the edge out of my voice.
His gaze is steady, and I’m suddenly struck by how much he looks like Dad. “A relationship, Lennon.”
“There’s no relationship, Reed,” I snap back. “That was just Levi giving me a hard time and Paige getting carried away.”
He doesn’t say anything for a moment, just watches my face. “I saw you with her on the plane.”
“We sat together.” My temper is rising. “We talked.”
“Lennon—”
“And it’s none of your goddamn business, Reed.” I’ve had enough of the condescension in his voice, enough of the judgment. He really does think I’m some stupid kid who needs looking after.
“It is my business. I’m worried—”
I stand up so fast I knock my chair over. “Do you have any idea how fucking tired I am of hearing you say that?”
He stands too, eyes blazing. “We all agreed that if we came on this tour we were going to be open with each other.”
“I didn’t agree to you babysitting me for six weeks, Reed. You have no right to tell me what to do.” Heads are swiveling in our direction at our raised voices, but I couldn’t care less.
“Lennon, I’m just trying to help you—”
“If I need your help, I’ll ask for it,” I say, pushing past him. I need to get away from my oldest brother, and fast. It’s been a long time since any of us got into a punching match, and I doubt the hotel restaurant is a good place to renew the pastime.
He grabs my arm as I pass. “Please just talk to me.” Something in his voice has me staring up into his eyes. He looks the same way he’s looked for a while now. Scared. The familiar mix of guilt and annoyance bubbles in my chest.
“You know what, sometimes I wish I could,” I say. “But I find it difficult to talk to someone who so clearly has lost all respect for me.”
“Lennon!”
I ignore his cry, pulling my arm away and striding from the table, willing him not to follow. I really will punch him, I think, ignoring the stares of the other diners as I go. I push through the glass front doors out into the misty afternoon, taking deep breaths of the cool air. And walk straight into Haylee and James, who appear to be sharing a cigarette under the overhang.
“Shit,” I mutter, reaching out to grasp James’s shoulders after nearly knocking him over. “Sorry, man. Wasn’t watching where I was going.”
“It’s okay.” He shoots a glance at Haylee, tossing his cigarette to the ground and stepping on it. “Ready to head up?”
But she’s watching my face, her eyes concerned. “You go on,” she says, her eyes never leaving mine. “I’ll be up in a minute.”
James doesn’t move. “You sure?” he finally asks, his voice heavy. It occurs to me that my older brother might not be the only person who doesn’t want me hanging out with Haylee. The thought has my heart pounding in anger all over again.
“I’m fine, James,” she says, her voice sharp. “I’ll see you in a little while.”
He stands next to her for a minute, and I try to ignore the way he’s looking from her to me. Finally he sighs. “I’ll be in my room.”
He goes, and I slump against the brick wall of the hotel. Haylee mimics my pose. “You doing okay?”
“My brother,” I say, by way of explanation. She peers at my face for a minute as if she can sense there’s more to the story. For a second, I’m tempted to tell her everything. The accident, the horrible scene in the hospital when my brothers found out about all of my secrets. The weeks I spent at Horizons, trying to get my shit together. But then I think of the way Reed just looked at me, worried, scared, certain of my inability to take care of myself. I think of Haylee looking at me that way and suppress a shudder.
“You want to get out of here?” she asks, surprising me.
“Yeah?”
She grins, bumping my shoulder with hers. “I’m pretty hungry. And you clearly need a break from the Ransom machine.”
I’m surprised to hear the sound of my own laugh. I thought I was beyond laughing today.
“Come on,” she urges, slipping her sunglasses up on top of her head. Her eyes are red rimmed and small. Definitely a hangover. And she still looks gorgeous. “I need some food.”
“Then let’s get some food.” I hold out my hand, holding my breath. But then she takes it, grinning, and I suddenly feel a hell of a lot better.
***
Three hours later, Haylee and I sneak down the hall toward her hotel room. I’m pretty hammered, to be honest, and from the way Haylee needs to stop every few minutes to giggle, I think she might be too.
“Shh,” I say, leaning against the wall. “I told you my brothers will totally kill the vibe if they see me.” I laugh a little myself. “That’s kind of funny. That they’ve turned into the vibe killers. And I’m the one who has a vibe.”
Haylee giggles again, holding my arm. “I have no idea what you’re talking about.”
I snort, clapping my other hand over my mouth, and she slides her hand down from my arm to my fingers, clutching them tightly. “Let’s go.”
Somehow we manage to get down the rest of the hall and into her room. It’s smaller than mine, just an armchair, a desk, and a bed. A really comfortable-looking bed.
Haylee is standing against the door, breathing heavily, a huge grin on her face.
“I feel better,” I say.
“I know. You’ve been saying that for the last two hours.”
I probably have. After we left the hotel, we found an open pub serving food. We ate bangers and mash, washing it down with the brown ale the city was famous for, and talked about anything except for my brothers. Something about being with her made me forget how shitty I felt only an hour before. Something in how she smiled at me, the way her eyes sparkled up at me when I made her laugh. I have spent so much of my life being the quiet one, the sullen one. What did Cash always say? Emo. It was nice to be the one making the pretty girl laugh for once.
And the beer helped too.
Once our tipsiness turned to sloppiness, Haylee suggested we go back to her room to raid the minibar. I didn’t tell her that getting wasted in the middle of the afternoon—on a show day, no less—was out of character for me. And definitely something my doctors at Horizons would have frowned upon. Because I didn’t want to think about that, not when Haylee was holding my hand, leaning into my shoulder, her body warm and close to mine. Not when she was laughing like that.
“So,” she says.
“So.”
We stand on opposite sides of the room, watching each other. Something seems to crackle in the air between us, some energy I haven’t felt in a long time. Something like wanting. “You ready for that drink?” I finally ask, my voice husky in my ears.
“I’m ready for something else.”
I’ve crossed the room to her before I can even think about what I’m doing, and then she’s in my arms, her hands in my hair, and I’m kissing her.
Holy shit, I think, the force of the current that runs from her lips to mine strong enough to cut through the alcohol haze. Her lips are soft and full below mine, but they turn insistent almost immediately, pressing back against mine as if impatient. I can barely think straight, she feels so good. Her body is soft and seems to fit against mine as if it was made to be there. My hands are in her hair, that glorious long hair, and it’s like silk between my fingers. “Lennon,” she murmurs against my mouth, her voice making my heart speed up. I run my tongue lightly along the edge of her lips, and she moans, and it’s probably the best sound I’ve ever heard in my life.
“Is this okay?” I ask, pulling back enough to look down at her face. Her eyes are wide and a little wild.
“Are you kidding?” she asks, her voice like a growl, and I can’t help but grin. She’s adorable.
“You’ve been drinking.”
“So have you.”
“I don’t want to take advantage—”
She grasps my shoulders, pushing me away from the door. Pushing me toward the bed. “Lennon, I want this.”
There’s no way I can argue with that. I want it too, want it more than I’ve wanted anything in a long time. And then she slips her shirt over her head, and my brain turns off entirely.
I don’t really do relationships. Sure, I’ve had my fair share of hookups over the years. It would be hard not to, being single in a rock band as popular as ours. But those have been few and far between in the last year, and there hasn’t been anyone that I really cared about for much longer than that. There was a girl in high school, one of those super angsty teen obsessions, that broke my heart pretty bad. My brothers and Daisy always thought that was what turned me off from trying again. I let them go with that assumption—it sounds a lot better than the truth. The truth is that I’m pretty sure I’m way too fucked up to ever really be happy with someone. To make someone else happy.
But looking down at Haylee, at the smooth column of her neck arched to meet my lips, the vivid color of her tattoos burning into my peripheral vision, I realize that I don’t feel so fucked up. I feel… alive. For the first time in ages, I feel alive and awake. Happy even. How could I not feel happy when this woman—this gorgeous, passionate woman, this woman who somehow seems to understand just what I need even though she barely knows me—is here with me, wanting me?
We’re on the bed in a matter of seconds, our clothing tangling in hurried hands, her lips never leaving mine. “You feel so good,” I mutter, and she sighs a little, a contented sigh that makes my stomach clench. I want to hear that noise again, want to be the cause of it, so I bring my lips to her collarbone, kissing every inch of her skin I can reach, my fingers rushing to bare more of her body to me.
Suddenly the impediment of clothes is gone as we’ve somehow managed to free each other of jeans and shirts. I look down at her, trying to catch my breath. She’s only in her bra and underwear now, both of them dark red, and I have to close my eyes before my brain explodes.
“Lennon?”
It’s her voice that kills me. While a moment ago she was laughing, excited, growling almost, now she sounds different. Vulnerable. Like something important rests on my reaction right now. I open my eyes and look into hers, and the haze of alcohol disappears completely. I’ve never felt more sober in my life, more awake and aware of every detail around me. Her perfect body, her skin pressed against mine, her hair fanned out on the pillow behind her head. Her lips are reddened from our kissing, her lashes impossibly dark against her pale skin. And her blue eyes are open, fixed on me, waiting.
“You’re perfect.”
A flush comes to her skin, and she looks away, a smile tugging on her lips. She’s shy, and it’s so cute I can’t stand it.
“Haylee.”
She looks back at me, and her eyes are different now. No longer vulnerable, no longer unsure. She looks up at me like I might be the best thing she’s ever seen too. “I want you,” she says.
I’m barely breathing as I remove the last of our clothes, as my lips run across her chest, as I reach into my pocket for a condom. The look on her face as I slip it on makes me crazy, and I can’t decide if I want to go back to kissing her or—
“Please.”
I don’t need to hear anything else. I slide into her, and she shudders around me, her head tilted back. I’m almost afraid to move, afraid to do anything that might shatter this perfect moment. For once in my life, my body takes over, silencing my always overworking brain. I’m moving inside her, kissing her face, her neck, everything I can reach, and she’s holding me so tight, whispering my name, and I basically decide I could die right here.
When she comes, her chest arches into me, and I decide against dying after all. Because I’m definitely going to need to do this again, as soon as possible. I follow her a moment after, and we lie there, wrapped up in each other, neither of us moving.
“Wow,” I finally mutter, peering down at her. She grins at me, the most self-satisfied grin I’ve ever seen, and I laugh, rolling to my side and pulling her with me.
“That was pretty fantastic,” she murmurs into my chest.
Fantastic doesn’t really cover it. I’ve never felt anything like that, not ever in my life. She snuggles in a little closer, and my throat feels tight with some unknown emotion.
I wonder, fleetingly, if I might freak out. Heavy emotional experiences are something I try to avoid at all costs. But before I can worry too much, the sound of Haylee’s even breathing carries me off to sleep.
***
I wake up to the sound of knocking on the door. Pounding would be more accurate. Whoever’s out there really wants to get in. I reach for Haylee and realize that she’s already off the bed. The room is dim now—what time is it?— but I can make out the shape of her as she moves to the door, picking a shirt up from the floor.
“What the hell, Haylee?” an angry voice asks when she opens the door.
“Shut up,” she hisses, her voice low. She must think I’m still sleeping.
“You want me to shut up? You disappear for hours with that guy—are you drunk?”
“I’m not drunk.” Her voice does sound perfectly steady. “Do you need something?”
“Why are you whispering?” There’s a pause, and then the guy—it sounds like James—swears. “Are you kidding me?”
“It’s none of your business.”
“Like hell it isn’t.” He sounds really pissed, and I’m halfway sitting, thinking I should go to the door.
“It’s not a big deal.” Her words hit me like a punch to gut, but her tone is even worse. Completely nonchalant, unaffected.
“Of course it is,” James snaps. “We work for him, Haylee.”
“We work for the label.”
“And you think the label won’t kick us right back to the States if you do something to piss off the Ransomes?”
“We just had some fun, James, Jesus. Are you seriously going to be on my case?”
There’s a long moment of silence, and when James speaks again his voice is more controlled. “We have sound check. We need to get to the venue.”
“Fine. I’ll be right down.”
“Haylee—”
She sighs loud enough for me to hear her from here. “What?”
“You know this is a bad idea. And you know that has nothing to do with what’s good for the band. I don’t want you getting hurt.”
“I’ll deal with it,” she says, voice flat, then the door is shutting and she reappears in the room. She stops when she sees I’m awake, her entire body freezing. “Hey,” she finally says, her voice even. “Sorry he woke you up. I guess I’m late for sound check.”
“That’s okay.” I swallow, trying to dispel the fear that’s risen up in my chest. Why is James so concerned about her being with me? Why does he think that she’ll end up hurt?
Haylee gathers her clothes, dressing quickly. “Hey, come here,” I say, but she turns her back to me. “Haylee?”
“I really have to run.” Her voice is bright, and it sounds all wrong.
“Can we talk after sound check?”
“Sure.” I feel a rush of relief, but then she continues. “I mean, we see each other every day, right? I’m sure we’ll talk at some point.”
“I meant… talk about this. About us.” I feel stupid saying the words, but she finally turns to face me. She looks so sad my breath catches, her expression not matching her bright tone of voice at all.
“This was really fun, Lennon, but I think it’s better if we’re just friends.”
“What? Why? I mean—”
“We both have a lot on our plates right now.” She scoops up her hair into a ponytail, not meeting my eyes. “I really need to focus on the band, you know?”
“I would never ask you to lose focus on your work.”
“Good.” She comes over and kisses my cheek, her lips barely making contact at all. “Then we’re on the same page.”
“Haylee, wait.”
“I really have to go,” she says, already halfway to the door. “Stay as long as you want, okay? Feel free to use the shower. I’ll see you around.”
Before I can say another word, she’s gone.
“What the hell?” I mutter, lying back against the pillows. I can smell her perfume in the sheets, something sweet and vanilla that surprises me. She doesn’t really seem like the vanilla type.
I lie there for a long while, trying to figure out when in the hell I screwed this up. I couldn’t have imagined that connection, there’s no way. She was right there with me, I would bet everything on it. So what has her running so fast?
You know this is a bad idea… I don’t want you getting hurt.
What did James mean by that? Why did he think that being with me would hurt her? A cold fear slithers into my chest. Did he know something? Was it possible that he’d heard rumors about me, about what I did? Did he think…
Don’t be stupid, I tell myself, standing and searching for my clothes. No one knows about Horizons except for the family.
And the label.
I try to push the fear away as I get dressed. My brothers are going to be freaking out, seeing as how I’ve now been unaccounted for for a good five hours. But I can’t seem to make myself care. All I can hear, over and over again in my head, is James’s voice, telling Haylee that I’ll hurt her.
It would be a lot easier to ignore if I weren’t pretty sure he was right.