Chapter Five
Dillon cowered against his door and cried. He sobbed until his chest ached, and his heart hurt. God only knew how long he’d been sitting there, but he couldn’t stop the outpouring of emotion. Fucking hell. He hadn’t wanted to fall apart like this, but he couldn’t help himself. He trembled, despite his best efforts to sit still.
Cinders hadn’t known about the trigger phrase. He probably hadn’t meant anything other than really eating and actually watching a movie. That didn’t mean the memories had faded. Dillon would never forget the nights and days he’d spent locked in the little room. The hours he’d been left nude and abused for the sick pleasure of the Wet Dreams people… Being kept in the dark as punishment for not performing and the countless individuals he’d serviced.
He shuddered. God, he was messed up.
Would Cinders be able to help him deal with his demons, or would the jaguar run the other way? Jesus. He doubted the jaguar would bolt.
A thought occurred to him. Cinders hadn’t pulled away when he’d seen Dillon naked. Okay, so the naked time hadn’t lasted long, but still… Cinders hadn’t act as if he cared about strolling around without clothes. Could Dillon risk his heart and let Cinders in? Even just for a party? Why did the thought of attending the costume party both excite him and churn his stomach?
His wolf cried within him. The animal wasn’t happy. He’d seen the same things Dillon had. He’d been used, too. But the wolf wanted to run to Cinders. Too bad the wolf’s desire to go to Cinders was outweighed by his human’s desire to stay secluded.
He heard footsteps outside the door. Damn it. He hadn’t wanted anyone to hear him break down. The person knocked.
“Dillon?”
Cinders. Dillon froze. The jaguar shifter knew he was in the room. He’d watched Dillon retreat. He’d probably come by to check on him. Dillon sniffed the air, smelling food. Stew? Something with game meat. His wolf growled. He wanted out or at least to have food.
“Dillon? You don’t have to talk to me, but open the door. Please? I’ve got venison chili and a beer. You need to eat something,” Cinders said.
Dillon left the floor and wiped his face. He had to look awful. Should he let Cinders in? He’d read Cinders wrong. The offer for food and a movie had been innocent, not code for sex. How could he face Cinders now?
The shaking returned. His wolf howled, but Dillon still wasn’t sure what to do.
“Dillon?” Cinders asked, his voice soft. “I need to make sure you’re okay. I’m worried. Please? Even if it’s just a crack, open the door.”
Dillon twisted the knob. The lock gave away. Cinders stood in the hall. He held two bottles of beer in one hand and a bowl of chili in the other. “Hi. You don’t have to let me in.” He offered the food. “Eat. It’s good.”
“Thank you.” Dillon placed the bowl on his dresser. “Come in.” He wasn’t sure what to do, but he’d feel better if they were alone or at least had some privacy.
“You’re shaking. Are you cold? You’re still wearing the sweatpants.” Cinders swept his gaze over Dillon. “You need a shirt. Where are they?” He abandoned the bottles on the dresser then rummaged through a drawer. “Here.” He pulled out a long-sleeved T-shirt. “Put this on.” Once Dillon had cooperated, Cinders rubbed Dillon’s arms. “Honey, talk to me. Are you okay? I can get Willow up here. Markas? Ryan? I know you’ve chatted with him. Let me help you.”
Dillon wobbled. He’d only ever found two other people who seemed to care about him other than Cinders. This feeling of protection sure felt real. He should tell Cinders about his past, should open up and give Cinders a chance to understand him. If he just got everything out, he’d know where he stood with Cinders. He might get his heart broken, but he’d see how Cinders felt about him. He’d never opened up to anyone—not to Markas or Ryan. No one knew the biggest part of his past.
Cinders closed the door then pushed the food into Dillon’s hands. “At least, get some nourishment into you. Might take the chill off. Sit down, too.”
Dillon cooperated and warmed his hands on the bowl. “I’m not cold.”
“You’re fevered?” Cinders nodded once and pointed to the door. “I’m calling Willow.”
He shook his head. “Don’t. I’m not sick. Promise.”
“Dehydrated? Starving?”
“No.” He sighed. “Sit with me. You can watch me eat and be sure I am.”
Cinders sank onto the bed. He tucked his legs under him and rested his elbows on his knees. “Look, I don’t know what I did back in my room that upset you, but I’m good at raising Cain, so I’m sure I did something. Whatever it was, I’m sorry.”
“Accepted.” Dillon ate the chili and savored the deliciousness. The heat from the food warmed him. He needed the time to eat to figure out what he wanted to say. Cinders didn’t have to apologize for anything. He hadn’t known what would bother Dillon. How could he? Dillon wasn’t hungry, but he wanted to prove to Cinders he would eat.
“Good, isn’t it? I ate two bowls of it.” Cinders smiled then bowed his head. “I figured I should give you some time to…I don’t know. Calm down?” He met Dillon’s gaze. “I’m not fond of cheese, but the sour cream made it tasty. Could’ve used some cornbread. I’m a sucker for cornbread. Mom made it when I was a kid.”
“You weren’t raised as a jaguar? I remember you saying that once. What’s it like to be a kid?” Dillon dug into his chili. Anything to get another few minutes to think.
“Yeah, my parents had a whole slew of kids. Dad had two from a previous relationship, and Mom had one. They had me and my sister after they got together. I was a bad kid. I raised hell and ran around. Then I found out I could shift, and the wildness made some sense. But as soon as I could leave, I did. I ran off and clubbed for, God, three years? When I ran out of money, I turned to what I knew I could do and started dancing. I cleaned up and wiggled my ass for whoever would stick money in my pants.” Cinders half-smiled. “Sounds bad, but I got by. I wouldn’t have left the club, but I had to because it wasn’t a good environment, and it’s now flat. Ryan knew that. I think he understood when he saw Delaney that, yeah, we needed to get out of there. We’re shifters and should be free, not cooped up in a club.”
“Yeah.” Dillon finished the chili and abandoned the bowl.
“Want a beer? You need something to wash down the spices.” Cinders grabbed the bottles. “Cheers.”
“Thanks.” Dillon downed a long swig then sighed. The longer he kept quiet and absorbed Cinders’ story, the more he wanted to open up himself. He needed to get so much off his chest. He wanted to kiss Cinders, too. “Do you always apologize for things when you don’t know what you did?”
“Yeah. The blanket apology approach has always worked. I never know exactly how I’ve pissed anyone off, but it helps to at least try to say I’m sorry.” Cinders shrugged. “What did I do that made you so mad?”
Here goes… “You told me your story. Here’s mine.” He trembled again and held onto the bottle to hide the shakes. “I grew up wild. My mom and dad were gray wolves. Actual wolves. No shifting. I didn’t know I could shift until three years ago. It just sort of happened. I’m in the woods, dodging the bullets from hunters and being a furry critter. The next moment, I’m not furry, and I’m a human. Scared me to death. I thought there was something wrong with me.” He’d never forget the moment. He’d looked down, and instead of his paws, he’d had hands. How had the shift happened? He couldn’t ask his parents. They’d wanted nothing to do with him in his human form.
“There’s nothing wrong with you.” Cinders put his beer bottle on the floor then reached for Dillon. “Promise.”
“Thanks.” He rubbed Cinders’ knuckles. “I’d never seen a shifter, and the only humans I’d seen had guns. That’s why my parents wouldn’t come near me. They thought I was a hunter. A naked, confused hunter. I wandered for two days with no clue how to shift back or what to do.” He still remembered the feeling of the leaves and sticks under his feet. Under paw, the sharp stick didn’t bother him. He stepped over the slippery wet leaves. But in his human form, he’d bumbled along. He’d found every sharp object and slimy rock. “Then I found the cabin. At the time, I thought it was my salvation. It was dry and out of the wind. I slept on the floor. I don’t know how long it was, but when I woke up, a man was there.”
Cinders’ eyes widened. “A hunter?”
“No.” He bowed his head. He couldn’t look Cinders in the eye. Not now. “At the time, I thought he was a friend. He acted like an ally. I had no idea how to be a human, and he took the time to show me how to eat and use utensils. He wasn’t shocked I could shift and explained it was a natural thing.” Dillon shuddered. The first few days he’d spent with Dirk had been nice. He’d almost thought he could trust Dirk. “My wolf hated him. Every chance I got, he wanted to bolt.”
“But you thought you could believe the man?”
“I did. One of the things I hadn’t learned in my human form was to trust my wolf.” Christ, the weight of what he’d been through crushed him, but being able to tell Cinders helped.
“What happened?” Cinders tipped his head and curled his fingers under Dillon’s chin to force him to meet his gaze.
“Shifting was fun, and I might have overdone it. One hour I was the wolf and the next the human. The thing was when I went out for a run on the fourth day and came back, he had clothes for me. He also showed an interest in me.” Dillon tucked his legs under him and pulled his hand away from Cinders. The only way he knew how to handle himself was to retreat. When Cinders reached for him, he recoiled. Embarrassment washed over him. “He… I wasn’t attracted to him on a sexual level. I didn’t know who I was attracted to, but when he kissed me, I felt strange. I was hot and cold. I liked being kissed, but not by him. By Dirk.”
“Honey.” Cinders pulled Dillon onto his lap and hugged him. “Baby.” He rocked with Dillon. “I don’t know what to say.”
Dillon’s face already ached from sobbing earlier. He hated being weak, but the more Cinders touched him, the more he wanted to get everything else out. “Before I knew what happened, he touched me. I liked the way I felt because it was all new, but I didn’t want any of it from him. I didn’t know how to stop it. Part of me knew it was wrong. I wouldn’t have let another wolf charge me, but as a human, I failed. I hated myself for enjoying the attention. Less than a week after my first shift, he gave me head. I returned the favor because he said I had to. He threatened to taser me if I didn’t, so I did. I was so disgusted because I liked sucking dick. We had sex the next evening, and it hurt like hell. I hated it, but he threatened the taser and used it a couple times.”
“Jesus.” Cinders held Dillon tight. “I can’t imagine.”
Dillon’s nightmares were filled with memories of his week with Dirk. The zap of the taser, the sting of Dirk’s hands on his body. He couldn’t stop the sobs.
“Honey, being with someone will hurt, but…” Cinders growled. “Not…when you’re with the right person. Love will fuck you up, but it’s not bad. It won’t totally hurt.”
Dillon’s voice cracked. “I wouldn’t know.”
“Haven’t you found anyone to show you how good sex and being with someone can be?” Cinders asked. He petted Dillon’s hair. “It’s not all horrible.”
He shook his head. “I made the mistake of telling Dirk—my eventual captor—that everything hurt. He gave me a blowjob then blasted me with the taser. When I slept, he kidnapped me.”
“What?” Cinders growled again. “I want to find this motherfucker and fuck him up. No one should ever do that to another person.”
Dillon wished he’d have found Cinders instead of Dirk. Maybe, he wouldn’t have landed in the Wet Dreams group.
“What happened? I’m afraid to ask that, but I need to know.” Cinders tipped Dillon’s head and rested his forehead against Dillon’s. “I get it. This is why you’re scared.”
“I’m scared because that bastard took me to Cambridge. I didn’t know where I was until I ran away, but still… He locked me in a building with no windows or contact with the outside world beyond what he wanted me to see. He left me in the dark, threatened me with whips, tasers…” He rocked on Cinders’ lap and shuddered. Fuck. He wasn’t cold but couldn’t stop the trembling. He wasn’t sure he wanted to recount the rest of the story. The pressure to come clean fucking sucked. “Wet Dreams wasn’t a good situation. They used shifters. Used. Forced.” His breath lodged in his throat, and fear gripped him. His mind raced. He’d done it. He’d named the group and opened the door he couldn’t close. Fuck.
Cinders rubbed Dillon’s back. “Give yourself a second to regroup. You’re shivering and sobbing. I’m guessing your throat hurts, and your chest aches. Get it out. I’m not going anywhere. I’m here for the duration.”
“Cinders.” The jaguar was too good to be true.
“I’m not leaving, especially not with you so fragile.” Cinders kissed the top of Dillon’s head. “I understand. I can’t imagine what you’ve been through, but I understand. We don’t have to go to that party. Don’t have to do anything you’re not ready to do.” He kissed Dillon again. “I like you. Not because I want something or because I see an advantage. Hell, I’m still worried you’re not going to stick around because I was a stripper and I’m kind of an asshole. I’ve liked you and have been drawn to you since the first time I saw you. Your past scares me, but it’s not enough to make me walk away.”
“It should.” If he were Cinders, he’d go in a flash. Dillon’s wolf howled and wanted to bite Cinders. The animal wanted to prove to everyone else, he’d selected Cinders. Odd, since the wolf had never chosen anyone before. Not even Dirk—but he’d hated him. The wolf’s attachment to Cinders unnerved and confused Dillon.
“Good thing I don’t scare that easy.” Cinders chuckled. “I’m more than we both think, I guess. Until you came along, I was out for me. No one else. Why? Because I had to make money, and the only way I could when I was at the club was to be that jackass. Now, I see there’s more to life than looking out for number one.”
Dillon hesitated. Cinders sounded damn honest, but Dillon had learned to distrust everyone. “Then what were you doing out in the hallway?”
“I was showing concern.” Cinders smiled. The lines around his eyes softened, and the deep brown of his irises sparkled.
“Okay.” Dillon could argue, but why? He wasn’t at the Wet Dreams complex or in danger. Cinders hadn’t run away or seemed disgusted.
Cinders held Dillon close, and Dillon rested his head on Cinders’ shoulder. Cinders rubbed Dillon’s arm. “I knew there was a group. I never knew the name, but I’d heard about it. The guy who ran Stiff must’ve had connections. He never forced anyone, but he tried to pimp out a few of the dancers. He preyed on the ones with drug problems or the really young ones. He’d tell us he was keeping us safe, but he really just wanted money.”
Dillon sagged against Cinders. “I’m sorry. I’m messed up, and I don’t trust. I don’t want to get close to anyone. I’m scared you’ll fuck me up more than I already am.”
“You’re safe with me and here at the Sanctuary.” Cinders sighed. “I won’t let anyone do anything you don’t want. I guarantee Markas, Ryan and the others will agree with me.”
“Thanks.” He closed his eyes. Being honest had worn him out. His wolf settled, too. Dillon yawned. “Will you stay with me tonight?” The words came out faster than he had time to think them through. Did he want to cross this line? Could he? He had no choice. He’d already asked the question. Unless Cinders turned him down, he’d have to face the decision.
“You want me here?” Cinders asked. “You’re sure?”
“I am.” He nodded as if to cement his words.
“I’d love to. Stretch out. Do whatever you want to get comfortable. I’ll follow your lead.” Cinders brushed his nose along Dillon’s. “I want to hold you and make you feel safe.”
“Thank you.” He scrambled under the covers and kept his clothes on. He stretched out on his back and watched Cinders settle beside him. Cinders rested on his side and faced Dillon. He draped his arm across Dillon’s belly.
“I’ll be a gentleman. Promise,” Cinders whispered. He closed his eyes and nuzzled Dillon’s neck. “If you feel threatened, speak up.”
Dillon had felt safe at the Sanctuary—alone but safe. For the first time since he’d shifted, he’d found someone he wanted to spend the night with—Cinders. His wolf calmed and drifted to sleep. If the wolf wasn’t upset, then Dillon would be able to sleep, too. He could do this without regrets. Being with someone was possible.