The What Ifs In Life
Somehow, we end up as a heaped mess on the floor. I sit between Goose and Teagan with our backs against the wall facing the kitchen. Mav and Lucas sit across from us with their backs against the counter. The middle space is nothing but legs everywhere.
I’ve got my eyes closed with my head back against the wall when Mav starts talking, “I know this isn’t the best of times, but I need to tell you that I’m sorry Kendall.” When I look over to him, he has his glasses off and is twirling them in his fingers, “There are a lot of things that you don’t know about me. I want you to, but that’s something that we can save for later. Let’s just say that I don’t let people into my life that can walk out just as easily. These guys are my brothers and I love them as such. I saw how fast they latched onto you, and I was jealous.” He huffs out a small laugh, “And believe it or not, it wasn’t just for them. Every time I saw the way that any of them would look at you or vice versa it would piss me off to the point that I acted like a complete asshole. That’s why I told you the truth about not sharing. Honestly, I was hoping you would choose one and the rest would have to accept it and move on. I never expected my brothers to fall in love with you.”
Teagan shifts a little beside me as if the ‘L’ word makes him nervous. Goose squeezes my hand and Lucas winks when our eyes meet.
Putting his glasses back on his face, he runs a hand through his hair that isn’t laid back in its usual style, “I never expected to fall for you. In the few months that we’ve known you, you’ve turned our lives upside down, and not in a bad way.”
Goose kisses the hand that he’s holding before saying, “This past month was absolute torture. You’re the first thing that I thought of when I woke up, and right before I went to sleep. I even tried calling and texting you a few times. When I didn’t hear anything back, I just figured that our actions were unforgivable, and I can’t really say I blame you if you feel that way. I’m sorry doesn’t even begin to cover it.”
“He crossed a few boundaries when he said some of what he did,” Teagan says, pulling my attention to him. His hair must have been pulled back behind his neck since he’s playing with a hair tie and all those long blonde strands hide his face. They don’t, however, hide those chocolate eyes when they turn to me, “But some of what he said is true. None of us give half a shit about what our parents say. They didn’t exactly set the bar too high with examples of healthy relationships. Well, except Lucas’ parents.”
I look over to him and he winks at me again and Teagan fidgets with the hair tie again, “I don’t get the dynamics of how this is supposed to work. I don’t get crazy jealous like Mav does, but what if I’ve had a bad day and want you to myself, but you’re with one of them instead? Can you sit there and honestly say that there’s enough of you to go around the four of us?”
He’s so right. It was so easy with Will, Casey, and Brian. Everything just was, and nothing felt forced. The same way that the quad felt before things exploded on the mountain, but I’d tried to keep it strictly platonic. I can’t help that the four of them broke down walls that were made of concrete. The tears that come this time make my face hurt from trying to hold them in.
Lucas taps my leg with his foot and when I look up to him he smiles at me, “It’s not going to be easy. There’s going to be jealousy.” He motions around the group as he says that, “There’s no doubt in my mind that there will be judgement for it, and even more so outside of our families.”
He leans up and grabs my toes, “But that’s a risk that I’m willing to take. Like Mav said, this is way beyond the appropriate time for us to be talking about all of this, but you need us right now.” When I don’t deny it, he continues, “And I, for one, am not going anywhere, even when you feel like you don’t need us anymore. In all the years that we’ve known each other, we’ve never fought over anything, and I’m not saying that you’re not worth it, because baby you are and so much more. But there’s no reason to start now. If Kendall thinks she can handle all of us, then it’s at least worth a shot, right?”
For the first time in well over a month, I feel my lips pull up into a smile. Only Lucas could have pulled off a speech like that. My brain wants to tell them no. I don’t want to have to deal with it when they leave again, but my heart isn’t going to give me a say on the matter. With me not using it for so long and then screaming, my voice is scratchy, “How did you know where to find me?”
Teagan knocks his shoulder with mine and when I look up to him, he bends down and kisses the tip of my nose, “Ryleigh. She misses you, you know. She tried to call you for a few days, and when you didn’t answer, she gave up, thinking you wouldn’t want to have anything to do with her because of me. Then she saw the obituary from dad’s paper yesterday. She wanted to come with us, but she doesn’t think you want her around.”
I shake my head, “It didn’t have anything to do with her. I left my phone here when I went to the hospital and I don’t remember too much in between.”
“Do they know exactly what happened?” Mav asks in his quiet deep tone.
Thinking about it makes my chest and stomach constrict. Goose squeezes my hand again and it gives me the courage to tell them, “They say it was a stroke. He umm...” I choke back tears, “he was here for a few hours before our neighbor found him.”
Letting go of his hand, I dig the heels of my hands into my eyes as I whisper the thought that has been in my head for weeks, “He was here alone. If I had been here, I could have done something. But I wasn’t. I wasn’t here.” A sob racks my chest.
I feel Teagan shift beside me before he pulls me into his lap like a fucking baby, “Did they tell you that you being here would have helped?” I shake my head as he rubs a hand up and down my spine, “Do you honestly feel like you being here would have made a difference?”
His questions are so logical and serious, highly unusual for his normal laid-back fun-loving self.
“I don’t know,” I tell him, “But now I’ll always have to wonder, what if. What if he fell and it somehow caused the stroke? What if someone was here to call 911 and it would have saved him?” By the time I get to the last what if, I’m in full blown hysterics, “What if he laid right there in the floor and called for me until he couldn’t anymore?”
He tucks me underneath his chin and rocks me back and forth as they let me purge the guilt that’s sitting heavy in my heart.
Maverick waits until my loud crying turns to sniffles, “Come here, Kendall.” He uses that tone that leaves no room for argument. Teagan releases me, and I crawl the little bit of space over to sit between his legs. I feel like I’m going insane, because I can’t help but to notice how fucking sexy he is in this moment. The black pants of his suit are in a tighter style, so it shows off just how well built his long legs are. And holy fucking suspenders. I never thought that such a small thing could be so attractive. Taking a second to look at the others, I see that Mav is the only one with them. Doesn’t make them look any less appealing though. Teagan’s shirt is unbuttoned and untucked making him look very much the carefree spirit he is. Lucas’ sleeves are pushed up like Goose’s showing off his tattoos and I find myself wondering when I’ll get the chance to see the others like he promised. Glancing up, I find his blue eyes studying me. He’s got one of those half smile things on his face, like he already knows what’s been floating around in my psychotic brain. My eyes flick back to Mav to see that he’s watching me as well. It makes me nervous, because there’s no way in hell that he missed me checking out the others just now. Right after I just bawled my eyes out, none-the-less. Goddamn it. I’m such a fucking wreck.
I close my eyes and shake my head. The sides of my face are surrounded by his hands and I feel him lean into the space between us. His lips cover mine for one quick moment, “You can’t worry yourself sick over the what ifs in life. That’s no way to live. Everything happens for a reason, and you’ll look back on this one day after you’ve forgiven yourself, and you’ll know that there was nothing that you could do, even if you would have been here.”
As his lips come down on mine again, I can only hope that he’s right.