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Rich People Problems by Kevin Kwan (14)

CHAPTER THIRTEEN

TYERSALL PARK, SINGAPORE

TWENTY-FOUR HOURS EARLIER…

“Three, four, five,” Eddie counted as he stood by the window in the upstairs foyer, looking down the driveway. There were five cars in the motorcade—four, really, if you didn’t count the minivan transporting all the maids bringing up the rear. Auntie Catherine and her family had just flown in from Bangkok, and Eddie was surprised there were so few cars in their convoy. In the lead was a white Mercedes S-Class with diplomatic license plates, obviously provided by the Thai embassy, but the other cars were a random assortment: a BMW X5 SUV behind the Benz, an Audi that looked at least five years old, and that last car, he didn’t even have a clue what it was—it was some non-European four-door sedan, something that didn’t register on his list of acceptable vehicles to be seen in.

Yesterday, when he had arrived with his family from Hong Kong, his executive assistant, Stella, had arranged a fleet of six matching Carpathian Grey Range Rovers, making for an impressive entrance as the Cheng famille pulled up to the front door of Tyersall Park. Today he felt almost embarrassed for Auntie Catherine and her clan. Her husband, M.C. Taksin Aakara, was one of the descendants of King Mongkut, and Eddie remembered every detail of his last visit to Thailand when he was nineteen as if it was yesterday: The sprawling compound of historic villas set in a garden paradise on the banks of the Chao Phraya River; the way his cousins James, Matt, and Adam had three servants each that would prostrate at their feet as if they were little gods, ready to attend to their every whim; the fleet of forest green BMWs idling in the front courtyard ready to take them to the polo club, the tennis club, or any of Sukhumvit’s hottest dance clubs; and Jessieanne, that sexy cousin of theirs who went down on him in the upstairs toilet of a pizza parlor in Hua Hin one night.

So why were the Aakaras pulling up in such a ragtag bunch of cars? And wait a minute—what the hell was happening outside? Sanjit the butler and the entire household staff—including the Gurkha guards—were all dressed in their crisp uniforms and assembling along the front driveway! And Ah Ling and Auntie Victoria were also part of the greeting party! Fucky fuck, why hadn’t they done this for his family when they arrived yesterday?

Eddie was annoyed to see that his parents had gone outside too, and he was determined that he would under no circumstances join them. Thank goodness Fiona had taken the kids to the zoo, otherwise they would surely want to be part of this idiocy and make the Aakaras feel like they were truly hot shit. He ducked out of view and hid in the service hallway, waiting for everyone to come upstairs, knowing it was always the custom at Tyersall Park for guests to be served iced longan tea in the drawing room when they first arrived. Two waiters passed by rolling cocktail trolleys filled with glassware and large silver samovars of tea, mystified by Eddie lurking in the hallway. He glared at them and hissed, “You didn’t see me! I’m not here!”

When Eddie began to hear voices coming up the stairs, he ambled into the drawing room with his hands nonchalantly tucked into the pockets of his salmon-colored Rubinacci trousers. Auntie Cat was the first to arrive at the top of the grand staircase, chattering away excitedly with his mother in that distinctive convent-schoolgirl lilt of hers. “What a surprise to see you and Malcolm out front! I thought you weren’t arriving until this evening?”

“That was the plan, but Eddie managed to fly all of us down on a private jet yesterday.”

Wah, gum ho maeng!” Catherine remarked, as a waiter approached them bearing a silver tray filled with tall glasses of iced longan tea.

Eddie studied his aunt for a moment as she sat down on a divan next to his mother, marveling at how different the sisters looked. Auntie Cat’s stocky, athletic physique was enviable for a woman in her seventies, and in such contrast to his other aunties with their bony, aristocratically malnourished frames. Unfortunately, she did take after her sisters in her fashion sense—on a charitable day, Eddie might have politely described her style as “eccentric.” Today, she just looked god-awful in that boxy purple silk pantsuit, obviously tailor-made and obviously several decades old, mud-colored Clarks open-toed walking sandals, and the same pair of Sophia Loren bluish-tinted bifocals he had seen her wear for decades.

Catching sight of him, Catherine exclaimed, “My goodness, Eddie, I hardly recognized you. You look like you’ve lost a bit of weight!”

“Thank you for noticing, Auntie Cat! Yes, I’ve lost about twenty pounds in the past year.”

“Good for you! And your mother tells me you flew the whole family down yesterday?”

“Well, I was attending the World Economic Forum in Davos as an official delegate and my client Mikhail Kordochevsky—you know, one of Russia’s richest men—insisted that I borrow his Boeing Business Jet when he heard about Ah Ma’s heart attack. And you know, it’s such a huge plane, I thought it was a pity that I was the only passenger. So instead of flying straight to Singapore, we made a detour to Hong Kong so I could pick up the whole family.”

Catherine turned to her sister. “You see, Alix, I don’t know what you keep complaining about—your son is so thoughtful!”

“Yes, very thoughtful,” Alix added, trying to block out the memory of Eddie screaming at her over the phone yesterday: You have two hours to get everyone to Hong Kong airport or I’m leaving without you! My special friend is doing us a very special favor by lending us his very special plane, you know! And for God’s sake please pack some decent clothes and jewelry this time! I don’t want you to be mistaken for a Mainland tourist when I’m with you in Singapore! Last time we got such bad service at Crystal Jade Palace because of the way you looked!

“How did you all fly down?” Eddie asked, wondering what kind of private jet the Aakaras had these days.

“Well, Thai Airways was running a special just for today. If you buy three economy tickets, the fourth person flies for free. So it was quite a savings for our whole lot. But then when we got to the airport and they realized it was your uncle Taksin, they upgraded us to first class.”

Eddie couldn’t believe his ears. The Aakaras never flew commercial—not since Uncle Taksin had become a special attaché to the Thai Air Force back in the 1970s. Just then, Eddie spied his uncle entering the drawing room alongside his father. It had been years since he had last seen his uncle, but he appeared not to have aged one bit—he was older than his father but looked about a decade younger. His perpetually tan face was wrinkle-free, and he still had that ramrod-straight posture and robust gait of a man accustomed to seeing and being seen. If only his dad wasn’t getting so stooped, and if only he dressed more like Uncle Taksin!

Eddie had always admired his uncle’s dapper style, and on visits to Bangkok during his teens, he made a point of sneaking into his uncle’s closet and checking out all the labels on his clothes—no small feat when there were so many pesky servants lurking everywhere. Today Uncle Taksin was decked out in an impeccably tailored pale orange dress shirt—judging from the Sea Island cotton it was most likely Ede & Ravenscroft—worn with a pair of navy blue chinos and a highly polished pair of monk strap loafers. Were they Gaziano & Girling or Edward Green? He would have to ask him later. And most important, what watch was Uncle Taksin sporting today? He glanced at his sleeve cuff, expecting to see a Patek, Vacheron, or Breguet, but was horrified to see an Apple Watch strapped to his wrist. Dear God, how the mighty had fallen!

Behind Taksin came his son Adam, whom Eddie didn’t know all that well because he was more than a decade younger. The baby of the family, Adam was slightly built and had delicately chiseled, almost feline features. He looked like one of those Thai pop idols, and seemed to dress the part in his skinny jeans and a vintage Hawaiian shirt. Eddie was not impressed. But wait a minute, who was this sexy thing that he would definitely swipe right for? Sauntering up the stairs was a girl with alabaster skin and waist-length black hair. Here at last was someone with style—the girl was wearing a sleeveless ice-blue Emilia Wickstead jumpsuit, blue suede ankle boots, and casually slung on her shoulder was the sort of handbag that Eddie was sure had a three-year waiting list. This must be Adam’s new wife, Princess Piya, whom his mother couldn’t stop gushing about after she attended their wedding last year.

“Uncle Taksin! So good to see you! And Adam—long time no see!” Eddie patted his cousin on the back enthusiastically. Adam turned to his wife and said, “This is Auntie Alix’s eldest son, Eddie, who also lives in Hong Kong.”

“Princess Piya, it is an honor to meet you!” Bending forward, Eddie grasped her hand and bowed to give it a kiss.

Adam snorted almost imperceptibly, while Piya burst into giggles at Eddie’s ridiculously overblown gesture. “Please, it’s just Piya. Only the children and grandchildren of the king use any sort of formal titles. I’m just a distant relation.”

“I do believe you’re being very modest. I mean, you’ve been given the Pearl Suite!”

“What’s that?” Piya asked.

Before Eddie could answer, Adam cut in, “It’s this bedroom where all the walls are inlaid with mother-of-pearl. Really remarkable.”

“Yes, it’s this vast suite of rooms, perfect for families, really. My wife and three children usually stay in there when we visit,” Eddie couldn’t help adding.

“Which room are you in now?” Adam asked.

“We’re in the Yellow Room. It’s very…cozy.”

Piya’s brow furrowed. “Adam, this doesn’t sound right to me. We must move in to another bedroom so Eddie and his family can have this larger suite.”

“But you’re our honored royal guest! You must have the Pearl Suite. I didn’t mean to imply anything with my comment. Constantine, Augustine, and Kalliste are having loads of fun sharing the same bed, and Fiona even managed to get three hours of sleep last night.”

“Oh dear, I wouldn’t feel comfortable in the Pearl Suite knowing that. Adam, could you take care of this?” Piya insisted.

“Of course. I’ll have a word with Ah Ling the minute I see her,” Adam replied.

Eddie smiled graciously. “You are both too kind. Now, where are your brothers? I thought the whole family was coming today. There’s an eighteen-wheeler full of seafood awaiting them.”

Adam gave him a puzzled look. “Piya and I were the only ones who came down with Mum and Dad. Jimmy, as you know, is a doctor, so he can’t get away from work so easily, and Mattie is on a skiing trip with his family in Verbier.”

“Ah. I was just in Switzerland too! I was at Davos, as an official delegate at the World Economic Forum.”

“Oh, I was at Davos two years ago,” Piya said.

“Really? What were you doing there?”

“I was giving a talk to IGWEL.”

Eddie looked momentarily stunned as Adam proudly explained, “Piya’s a virologist based at WHO in Bangkok—she specializes in mosquito-borne viruses like malaria and dengue fever, and she’s become one of the leading authorities on tropical diseases.”

Piya smiled bashfully. “Oh, Adam’s exaggerating, I’m no authority—I’m just part of the team. Now that man over there looks like he’s an authority.”

Eddie turned to see Professor Oon, still in his surgical scrubs, enter the drawing room. Catherine got up from her divan and rushed up to him. “Francis! So good to see you. How is Mummy today?”

“Her vitals are stable at the moment.”

“Can we go in and see her now?”

“She’s in and out of consciousness. I will let four visitors in, but two at a time and only for five minutes each.”

Alix looked at her sister. “Go on. Take Taksin, Adam, and Piya with you. I’ve already spent time with her this morning—”

“I haven’t seen Ah Ma yet today,” Eddie cut in. “Dr. Oon, surely one more visitor won’t make any difference?”

“Okay, I’ll let you go in for a few minutes after the rest have come out, but only for a few minutes. We don’t want to add any more strain to her today,” the doctor said.

“Of course. I won’t say a word.”

“Eddie, will you say a little prayer for Ah Ma when you’re in the room with her?” Auntie Victoria suddenly asked.

“Em, sure, I can do that,” Eddie promised.

The five of them headed down the corridor to Su Yi’s private quarters. The sitting room adjoining her bedroom had been transformed into a cardiac care unit, with half the room turned into a clinical prep area and the other half filled with various medical machines. Several doctors and nurses huddled over a bank of computer screens, analyzing every blip in their VVIP patient’s vital signs, while Su Yi’s Thai lady’s maids hovered just by the doorway, ready to spring into action should their mistress bat an eyelash. The minute they saw Prince Taksin approach, they dropped to the floor, prostrating themselves. Eddie felt his gut tighten in a mixture of awe and envy as he noticed that his aunt and uncle walked right past the ladies, not even noticing the gesture. Fucky fuck, why couldn’t he have been born into that family?

While Catherine and Taksin went into Su Yi’s bedroom, Eddie waited in the hallway with Adam and Piya. Taking the seat next to Piya on a velvet Ruhlmann settee, he whispered, “So, I take it you had an IGWEL badge?”

Piya was momentarily confused. “I’m sorry, are your referring to Davos?”

“Yes. When you were at Davos two years ago, what kind of badge did they give you? The white one with the blue line at the bottom, or the plain white one with the hologram sticker?”

“I’m afraid I can’t remember what it looked like.”

“What did you do with it?”

“I wore it,” Piya replied patiently, wondering why on earth her husband’s cousin was so weirdly fixated on this badge.

“I mean, what did you do with your badge after the conference?”

“Er…I must have either thrown it away or left it in the hotel room.”

Eddie stared at her in disbelief. His Davos badge was folded and placed in a special pouch along with his prized Roger W. Smith watch and his precious sapphire-and-platinum cuff links. He couldn’t wait to get it framed the minute he returned to Hong Kong. He was quiet for a few moments before turning his attention to Adam. “So what are you up to these days? Do you work or do you just live a life of leisure?”

Adam felt like grimacing, but he was too well brought up to show any reaction. Why did so many people assume that just because he had a royal title, he didn’t have to work for a living? “I’m in F&B. I have a restaurant at Central Embassy, which is the newest mall in town, and I also have a few gourmet food trucks that serve authentic Austrian Würstelstand snacks like bratwurst, currywurst, and Käsekrainer. You know, those Austrian sausages filled with cheese?”

“A sausage truck! You actually make a profit from that?” Eddie asked.

“We do quite well. We park the trucks in all the nightlife spots around the city. People love to get a snack late at night after they leave the bars and clubs.”

“The sausages help to soak up the alcohol,” Piya added.

“Hmm. Drunk-people snacks. How lucrative,” Eddie said with a not-so-subtle hint of condescension. He sat waiting for Adam or Piya to ask him what he did for a living when his aunt and uncle came out of the bedroom. “She’s asleep, but you can go in,” Catherine said to her son.

Catherine sank down on the settee next to Eddie, suddenly looking totally deflated.

“How is she today?” Eddie asked.

“Hard to tell. Francis said that with the morphine drip, she wasn’t in any pain. I’ve just never seen her look so…so frail,” Catherine said, her voice cracking a little. Taksin placed a comforting hand on her shoulder as she continued to talk. “I should have come down in November like I meant to. And the boys. Why didn’t we make them come down more often?”

“Auntie Cat, you should go to your room and rest for a little while,” Eddie suggested in a gentle tone. He became uncomfortable whenever women got emotional around him.

“Yes, I think that’s a good idea,” Catherine said, getting up from the settee.

“I’m going to call Jimmy and Mattie. We’ll get them to fly over immediately. There’s not a moment to waste,” Taksin said to her as they walked off.

Not a moment to waste, Eddie thought to himself. But Auntie Cat had done nothing but waste her time. She had spent so many decades away, and his cousins hardly knew their grandmother. And now that Ah Ma was dying, they were finally going to show their faces? It was too little, too late! Or could there be another motive behind all this? Were the Aakaras tight on money these days? Was this why they came down on a commercial flight? He couldn’t imagine the humiliation. A Thai prince, flying in economy class! And they only brought five maids with them this time. And Adam had to run these pathetic little hot-dog trucks. It was all beginning to make sense. Was Uncle Taksin urgently summoning all his sons to Singapore so they get their hands on Tyersall Park? Everyone knew that Nicky had been disinherited, and that Ah Ma would never leave any of the Leong cousins Tyersall Park when they already owned most of Malaysia. The only contenders left were the Aakara boys; his brother, Alistair; and him. Ah Ma had never thought much of Alistair, especially after he tried to bring Kitty Pong home, but the Aakaras, she always had a soft spot for them because they were half Thai. She loved her Thai food and her Thai silks and her creepy Thai maids—everything from that goddamn country! But he wasn’t going to let those Aakaras win. They lived their lavish snotty royal lives and only deigned to come for short visits every three or four years, while he made a point of visiting his grandmother at least once a year. Yes, he was the only one who deserved the deed to Tyersall Park!

Adam and Piya emerged from the bedroom, and Eddie immediately went in—there wasn’t a moment of his time to waste. Su Yi’s canopied bed with its ornately carved art nouveau headboard had been replaced by one of those state-of-the-art hospital beds with an electronic mattress that constantly shifted the patient’s body weight to prevent bedsores. Aside from the oxygen tube at her nose and a few tubes coming out of various veins on her arms, she looked so serene lying there under her sumptuous lotus silk bedsheets. A heart monitor on a stand pulsed quietly by her side, its screen displaying her ever changing heart rate. Eddie stood at the foot of the bed, wondering whether he should say a little prayer or something. It seemed slightly absurd, since he didn’t really believe in God, but he did promise Auntie Victoria. He kneeled down beside his grandmother, folded his hands, and just as he closed his eyes, he heard a sharp voice say in Cantonese, “Nay zhou mut yeah?” What on earth are you doing?

Eddie opened his eyes and saw his grandmother staring at him.

“Fucky fuh…I mean, Ah Ma! You’re finally awake! I was about to say a prayer for you.”

Nay chyee seen ah! Don’t you start on me. I’m so sick of all these people trying to pray for me. Victoria kept sending that Bishop See Bei Sien to drone his idiotic prayers every morning when I was at the hospital, and I was too weak to chase him out at the time.”

Eddie laughed. “If you want, I can make sure Bishop See isn’t allowed to see you ever again.”

“Please!”

“Were you awake when Adam and Piya came in?”

“No. Adam is here?”

“Yes, and he brought his wife. She’s pretty, in that Thai sort of way.”

“How about his brothers?”

“No, they aren’t here. I’m told Jimmy is much too busy working to come down. I guess since he’s a plastic surgeon, there are too many urgent face-lifts and nose jobs that require his attention right now.”

Su Yi smiled slightly at Eddie’s comment.

“And do you know what Mattie is doing?”

“Tell me.”

“He’s on holiday with his family. Skiing in Switzerland! Can you imagine? I happened to be in Switzerland too, attending a very important conference with the world’s most important businessmen, political leaders, and Pharrell, but I dropped everything and flew straight to Singapore the minute I heard you were ill!” Eddie looked up at her heart monitor and saw that it was accelerating from 80 to 95 beats per minute.

Su Yi let out a brief sigh. “Who else is here?”

“Our whole family came down from Hong Kong. Even Cecilia and Alistair.”

“Where are they?”

“Everyone’s at the zoo right now. Fiona, Constantine, Augustine, Kalliste, Cecilia, and Jake. Ah Tock got them special VIP tickets for that River Safari thing, but they will be back by tea time. Uncle Alfred gets in later tonight, and…um, I’m told that Nicky is arriving tomorrow.”

“Nicky? Coming from New York?” Su Yi muttered.

“Yes. That’s what I hear.”

Su Yi remained silent, and Eddie observed that the heart rate number on her monitor was rising rapidly: 100, 105, 110 beats per minute.

“You don’t want to see him, do you?” Eddie asked. Su Yi simply closed her eyes, a lone tear streaming down the side of her face. Eddie glanced uneasily at the monitor: 120, 130. “I don’t blame you, Ah Ma. Showing up here like this now, after all he’s done to betray your wishes—”

“No, no,” Su Yi finally said. Her heart rate suddenly jumped to 145 beats per minute, and Eddie looked at her in alarm. When the number hit 150, the heart monitor began emitting a high-pitched beep, and Professor Oon rushed into the room along with another doctor.

“She’s elevating too rapidly!” one of the doctors said in alarm. “Should we defibrillate?”

“No, no, I’m going to give her a slow bolus of digoxin. Eddie, please clear the room,” Professor Oon ordered, as two nurses rushed in to assist.

Eddie backed out just as his aunt Victoria entered the sitting room. “Is everything okay?”

“Don’t go in now. I think Ah Ma’s having another heart attack! I mentioned Nicky and she began to freak out.”

Victoria moaned. “Why on earth did you mention Nicky?”

“She wanted to know who was here and who was coming. I can tell you one thing, though—Ah Ma does not wish to see Nicky. She does not even want him to set foot in this house! It was the last thing she told me.”


M.C. is an abbreviation for Mom Chao, which translates to Serene Highness and is the title reserved for the grandchildren of the King of Thailand. Since King Chulalongkorn (1853–1910) had ninety-seven children by thirty-six wives and King Mongkut (1804–1868) had eighty-two children by thirty-nine wives, there are several hundred people still alive who can use the title of Mom Chao.

Catherine Young Aakara, like many of the girls of her generation and social standing, attended the Convent of the Holy Infant Jesus Girls’ School in Singapore, where they were taught by British nuns and developed the curious distinctive accents that made them all sound like extras in BBC period dramas.

Cantonese for “Wow, what a good life.”

To his eternal chagrin, Eddie had not been invited to his cousin’s wedding to M.R. Piyarasmi Apitchatpongse. Only his parents had been invited to the small, intimate destination wedding held at a private villa in the Similan Islands.

The World Health Organization is a specialized agency of the United Nations that deals with international public health issues. The South-East Asia Regional Office is located in Bangkok.

One of the most sought-after bespoke watches in the world, each Roger W. Smith watch is made by hand, takes eleven months to complete, and there’s a four-year waiting list for one (probably five years after this is published).

An abbreviation for food and beverage, currently one of the hottest industries in Asia. All the CRAs that used to work in M&A want to get in to F&B these days.

Cantonese for “Have you lost your mind?”