I kept my eye out for Lucas, and every time I heard footsteps on the stairs I found myself rushing to look out of my peephole to see if it was him. I hadn’t seen him in two days—not since he’d gone out looking for Luna. He hadn’t come back once since he’d left, and though I’d only been a little worried for his safety at first, I was starting to wonder if something had happened to him. It was more likely he’d decided he didn’t want to come home. Maybe he’d found Luna and Maria and decided he wanted to be a family with them again, that he was going to give up on his dingy apartment and live a life of luxury with his beautiful wife.

I tried not to think about it, tried to focus on my work instead, but my mind would inevitably wander back to Lucas. I knew I was being irrational—I should be more worried than upset, but I couldn’t shake the feeling that he just wasn’t coming back, that he had left me the same way my ex had—for another woman.

After three days of not hearing from him, I was staring at my phone, wondering whether I should call again. On the first day, I’d called him two or three times. Since then, I hadn’t even tried; it was obvious that he didn’t want to talk to me, otherwise, he would have called me back. Instead of calling him, I picked up the phone to call Heather, knowing she would have some advice for how I could get over the sting of rejection I was feeling having lost Lucas, especially after all the things we’d done together. I’d given myself to him completely and he’d abandoned me.

“Hey, hon,” Heather said when she answered the phone. “What’s up?”

“I’m thinking of coming home for a little while,” I said. “I need to get away from the city.”

“Why? What’s up?”

“You remember that guy I told you about, Lucas?”

“The hottie,” she said. “I remember. Did you bang him?”

I felt myself blush and was glad that she couldn’t see me. I knew that she would tease me mercilessly if she knew how shy I felt about all the things I’d done with Lucas, new things I’d never thought to try before.

“Yeah,” I said. “And we, I—he’s gone. He left.”

“I’m so sorry, honey,” Heather said. “Come home and stay with me. I’ll have ice cream and wine waiting.”

“Thanks, Heather,” I said, sniffling, trying to keep myself from crying. So far, I’d refused to do so, and I wasn’t going to start now. “I’ll see you tomorrow.”

“That’s pretty soon,” she said.

“I’m ready. I’m going to leave tonight.”

“Be careful, hon. I’ll keep the door unlocked.”

I thanked her again and told her goodbye, then went into my room and opened my suitcase. I threw several things in that I might need for an extended stay—I didn’t know how long I’d be going home for. I could work from there and had no real need to come back soon; my book was selling well and I had enough money now for an extended vacation.

I got ready to go, hesitating at the top of the stairs. I took a deep breath and put my suitcase down, then went over to Lucas’s door and knocked on it one last time. I closed my eyes as I waited, hoping that somehow I’d just missed him coming home, that he would be there with Luna and it would all just be a mistake. For a brief second, I allowed myself to get my hopes up, but when he didn’t answer I knew I was just being an idiot. I grabbed my bags and headed downstairs to my car, then started south toward my hometown. The drive would be about eight hours straight but I knew I could make it; I hadn’t been sleeping well as of late anyway, no more than two or three hours a night.

I got to Heather’s at about five in the morning and had to drag myself from the car, rolling my suitcase up to her front door. I slipped quietly inside, tiptoeing upstairs to the guest room I always used when I came home to stay. Heather had made the bed and left a shoebox full of candy on top of it, something that she always kept around even when we were kids. I smiled when I saw it, pulling out a chocolate bar and opening it as I flopped onto the bed. I stared at the ceiling, eating the candy as I thought again of Lucas and everything we’d had. I’d been in love with him. I was still in love with him. But I wouldn’t see or talk to him again. The thought made me ache, and I tried to fight it away as I closed my eyes to fall asleep.

I woke up a few hours later at noon and could hear the TV on downstairs. I slipped out of bed and went down there, sitting next to Heather on the couch. I grabbed a pillow and hugged it against my chest, curling over the cushion and looking at my friend.

“Tell me all about it,” Heather said.

“I love him,” I said to her, and then I started crying. I’d known I would, but I cursed myself for it anyway. I hated the thought of crying over a man, but I’d done it before and I was doing it now. This time felt different, though. Everything had been so perfect with Lucas whereas things with my ex had never been as good.

“How did you end up sleeping together in the first place, is what I want to know. Last time I talked to you, you were trying to stay away from him.”

“I did, but he kept coming over. And then he would stay for dinner and one night I—we had dinner alone, and then we watched a movie. I fell asleep on his lap and when I woke up we—”

“You had sex?”

“Not then. But we started to. And that’s when I knew I had feelings for him.”

“Did he feel the same way?”

“I guess not,” I said. “I thought he did at the time. I thought things were going great. I started to trust him. You know how hard that is for me.”

“So, what happened?”

I shrugged. “He left. Disappeared on me. I have no idea where he is. I’m just—I’m so different now. He changed me. I opened up to him and now he’s gone.”

“Did he say anything before he left?”

“He said he was going to look for Luna. But that was days ago and I haven’t heard from him since.”

“Who’s Luna?” she asked. “His wife?”

“No, his daughter. I went to pick her up from school one day and she didn’t get off the bus. He thinks she’s with her mom, but when we called the cops, they were no help so he went out to look on his own.”

“And he just never came back?” Heather asked. I shook my head.

“No. I’m assuming he’s just not coming back. Maybe he got back with Maria.”

“What did the cops say when you told them Lucas disappeared?”

I stared at her. “I haven’t called the cops,” I said.

“What?” she asked, her face incredulous. “First, his daughter went missing. Then he goes missing. Don’t you think that’s weird?”

“I guess,” I said, feeling a nervousness creep up in my body. The first day, I’d been worried that something had happened to Lucas. But that worry had quickly turned into a selfish paranoia, the assumption that he left because he didn’t want me.

“Something could have happened to him,” Heather said. “I think you need to tell the cops, El. It doesn’t sound like he’s the type of guy who would just up and dump you like that.”

“Maybe I’ll call Alice,” I said. I was starting to feel panicky. She was right, of course. I had to consider the possibility that maybe Lucas hadn’t come home because he couldn’t come home. I picked up the phone, unwilling and unable to wait. I dialed Alice’s number and prayed that she would answer. I felt filled with relief when she did.

“Hello?” she said.

“Hi, Alice. It’s Ellie.”

“Ellie,” said Alice. “Have you heard from Lucas?”

“No,” I said, my heart sinking. “You haven’t heard from him?”

“No, I assumed he was with you,” Alice said. “Have you looked for him?”

“Not really. I’m not in the city right now, I came home.”

“Oh,” said Alice. “Well, I’m going to go look for him. If I can’t find him, I’m going to the police.”

“Okay, please call me if you find him,” I said. I was growing more worried by the minute. Alice hung up and I looked at Heather, desolate.

“I’m such an idiot,” I said. “I can’t believe I didn’t think to call the cops.”

“Hey, you were heartbroken. It’s okay,” said Heather. I nodded, but it didn’t feel okay to me. I felt miserable, desperately worried and still upset about the idea that maybe something hadn’t happened to him, maybe he’d just chosen to walk away. Lucas was a big man, a strong man—it would be hard for someone to hurt him to the point where he couldn’t get away. Still, it was a possibility, and I found myself covered in goosebumps just thinking about it.

“Should we do something to keep your mind off it today while you wait for Alice to call?”

I shook my head. “Honestly, I don’t think I’ll be able to do anything but stare at my phone today.”

“Let’s just stay in and watch something,” she said. “Try to stay occupied at least. You can keep your phone right next to you.”

“Okay,” I nodded, sinking into the couch. “I’m so sorry to drag this all here with me, Heather. I just wanted to come home and move on.”

“I know,” she said, clicking the TV on.

We flipped through the channels, looking for something to watch, and finally we settled on a drama that suited my dim mood. I checked my phone every few minutes, increasingly frustrated as the hours passed and how Alice didn’t call me. The entire day went by and I got nothing from her, not even when I grew desperate enough to call her back myself. I was nearly ripping my hair out by the time I gave up on watching TV and took a couple of sleeping pills, hoping they would at least knock me out so hard I wouldn’t dream about Lucas or what might have happened to him.

I wished Heather goodnight and made my way upstairs to my room. I turned my phone up as loud as it could go, knowing it would wake me if for some reason Alice decided to call in the middle of the night. I was desperately hoping she would, yet she hadn’t by the time I fell asleep and still hadn’t by the time I woke up in the morning. I cursed when I opened my eyes and looked at my phone, wondering what the hell was happening, and why everyone around me seemed to be disappearing before my eyes.