Two weeks after I last saw Ellie, I got a call from her publisher. Ellie had been signed to a major publishing company since her last book had skyrocketed to the bestseller list within weeks of release, and seeing her so successful made me happy, despite the fact I couldn’t be with her. She was talented, good at what she did, and worked hard—Ellie deserved the world even if she wouldn’t let me give it to her, and I was glad to know that she was doing well.

“Hello?” I asked when I answered the phone.

“Hi,” said a bright voice on the other end. “Is this Lucas Sanders?”

“Yes,” I said. “Who is this?”

“This is Cindy Meyers with Backdoor Publishing. How are you today, Mr. Sanders?”

“I’m well,” I said, wondering what this was all about. I hadn’t heard from Backdoor since the first cover that had been published on Ellie’s book, the one that had started my modeling career and caused me to grow more successful than I could have ever imagined.

“I was calling because we spoke to your agent yesterday about your contract. We want to sign you exclusively for the next six months, specifically to work on the covers for Ellie Waters.”

“Ellie Waters,” I said, my mouth dry.

“You’ll be working directly with Ms. Waters and her photographer. I believe you’re already acquainted with her.”

“Alice,” I said. “Yes. But I—”

“I know that an exclusive contract is a big commitment, but I assure you that we’re willing to pay you more than enough to compensate you for your time. You’re quite a hot commodity on the market right now and we think you’d be perfect for the rest of the covers in the series.”

“Was this, uh, Ms. Waters’ request?”

“No,” said the woman, sounding slightly confused. “Ms. Waters isn’t usually directly involved with the covers at this point, though I know that she likes to be involved with the shoots. She doesn’t choose the models.”

“I see,” I said. I was tempted by the thought of working with Ellie, though I knew how pissed she would be if I took the job. She would hate to work with me directly, but the idea of seeing her again—even seeing her angry, made me want to take the contract. Still, I needed to think about it, take a moment to process it rationally before I made a decision.

“Can I get back to you, Ms. Meyers?” I asked her. “I’d really like to think about it and speak to my agent.”

“Of course,” she said. “When can I expect your decision?”

“I’ll get back to you later today,” I said, then told her goodbye and hung up. I rubbed my hand over my mouth, considering the possibilities. I could take the job, see Ellie again, and try my best to convince her to fall for me, or I could avoid it altogether and not deal with the heartbreak of being rejected again. It seemed worth it just to get a glimpse of her face in that moment, something that I’d thought about constantly since I’d last seen her.

I picked up the phone and dialed Alice, but when she didn’t answer, I decided to go to her house. Luna was at school and though I’d panicked at first about the idea of sending her back, I knew that she was safe now that my wife was out of the way.

I showed up at Alice’s, knocking on her door, and she opened it within a few minutes. She was pantless, but it wasn’t something that bothered either one of us as we went into the house. Alice had never been shy around me and I’d never really cared to look at her in any way but as a friend—we had never clicked romantically, even before I knew she was a lesbian.

“What’s up?” she asked, sitting at her counter and pouring herself a massive bowl of cereal, though it was three in the afternoon. She started to eat it in big bites and I stood across the counter from her.

“I got offered a job working exclusively for Backdoor Publishing,” I said. “As their cover model.”

“Isn’t that Ellie’s publishing company?” she asked.

I nodded and she gave a low whistle. “What are you going to do about that?”

“I don’t know,” I said. “Any ideas?”

“It depends on if you think you can win her back or not,” she said. “If not, you’re just going to torture yourself.”

“I know,” I said. “But it might be worth it.”

She gave me a sympathetic look. “You really miss her, don’t you?”

“I can’t stop thinking about her,” I said. “She’s all I think about, Al. It’s driving me crazy. I have to see her.”

“What if she completely refuses to see you?” Alice asked, her voice gentle. “There’s nothing you can do about that.”

“I think she’ll work with me. She knows I’m good for her sales. Have they called you yet?”

“I think I have an email from them. I haven’t checked it. Why?”

“They want you to photograph the shoot,” I told her.

She stared at me, a hesitant look on her face. “Do you think that will make things better or worse? After the last time I saw Ellie, I’m not really sure she’s keen to talk to me.”

“Ellie’s not the kind of person who’s going to be mad at you for this. She knows you didn’t do anything and that it’s my fault. And she likes you. Maybe you can help ease the tension,” I said.

“So you’re going to take the job for sure?”

“I think I am,” I said. The idea of seeing Ellie was too tempting to resist. Even if she rejected me right off the bat, it felt worth it just to be able to see her, to hear her voice, even if it was telling me off.

“Good luck,” Alice said as I was about to leave. I wanted to make the call right away. I wasn’t going to bother calling my agent—I knew by now I was going to take the job. When I got home, I called Cindy Meyers back right away. She was pleased to hear from me and told me I could meet with her the next day. I felt excitement flow through me as I went to pick Luna up later, wondering how things were going to go with Ellie. I had no doubts she would be pissed, I only hoped that she’d give me a chance.

The next day I went to meet with Cindy. Alice was there, and we set up an appointment to do the shoot. I sat across from Cindy at the desk, tapping my fingers nervously. I didn’t know if Ellie was going to show up to this meeting or not, and I didn’t know if I was prepared to see her just yet.

“Is Ellie coming to this meeting?” I asked.

Cindy shook her head. “She couldn’t make it to this one. She’ll be at the shoot, though. I believe it’s at her house.”

“Oh,” I said. “Really?”

“That was her request,” she said. “Do you have a problem with that? If you want, I could try to convince her to do it in the studio.”

“That would be better,” I said. It was less likely that Ellie would walk out on the shoot than it was that she would kick me out before she even let me in the door. Going to her house would bring up memories, too, of being snowed in together, memories that already tormented me every night. I remembered each moment of those days crystal clear and sharp, could almost taste her when I closed my eyes and tried to relive those moments.