Holy fucking shit.

What the hell just happened?

I have barely any time to process the thoughts before I’m zombie walking across the hotel room and flopping over like deadweight onto the bed.

After the insane and ridiculous day I’ve had, I should be passing right out. I’m beyond exhausted and that kiss with Brad made my legs feel even weaker.

But I can’t pass out. It’s late and I can’t sleep. I can’t do anything but lie here and replay everything in my head, over and over again.

Never mind how the day started out. That crazy Norwegian fucker Roar showing up and then all of us piling into that SUV with the sawed-off roof and the seats that aren’t actually seats but somehow a couch. Then us being shuttled off to his compound in the desert where I fired a gun for the first time in my life.

Then the walk through the desert with Brad, which lead to moments I’d only dreamed about, a closeness I’ve been craving. I know I’ve been bold with him, terribly bold, but it’s the only way I know how to be. He just does something to me that brings it out, that makes me stop being afraid. I swear I could do anything to him, say anything (and from the way I was blabbering, I’m pretty sure I have) and it wouldn’t matter. Brad can take what I’m giving.

And I can take what he’s giving.

And I want more of it.

I’m a greedy little girl like that.

I sigh into my pillow and wish that my brazenness would carry me down the hallway and to his room. But I could tell from the way that Arnie was looking at us, that the time isn’t right. In fact, I’m sure the fact that Brad kissed me was a big mistake. I know he’s not supposed to lay a hand on me, I’ve heard the threats from my father.

And I know there’s a lot at stake when it comes to Brad and his relationship with him.

It’s just that I’m not afraid. I’m old enough to make my own decisions and the fact is, I like Brad. A lot. I mean, that’s a given, it’s always been a given. But this isn’t a young teenager pining after a rock star. This is me, a young woman, getting to know this rock star on a very personal level. I’m falling for the real Brad Snyder, the man behind the mask, the man of few words and a damaged past. I’m getting to know him and the more I get to know him and all his faults and flaws, along with everything that makes him magical, the more that I like him.

And the braver I’m getting, for better or for worse.

Fuck. That kiss. I can still feel it on my lips. The way he tasted, smelled, the feel of his hands in my hair, the way he bit my lower lip, tugging just so. I was so close to dragging him to my room.

I turn over and stare up at the ceiling, blowing a strand of hair off my face. I don’t think I’ll be sleeping for some time and I feel like if I don’t start talking to someone about all of this, I’ll burst.

I bring out my phone from my bag and look at the time. It’s almost midnight but Christy always burns the midnight oil when she’s working. I’ve only texted her here and there, mainly checking on how Baby Groot is doing, but I could do with some female bonding. Though I’ve always been independent and never had many close female friends growing up, always preferring the company of boys except for my friend Shelby, who moved to London after high school, being on the road can be lonely.

I decide to Facetime her.

She answers on the third ring and I hold the phone high above me, my head back on the pillow, smiling at the sight of her face.

“Hey, am I bothering you?” I ask her, checking the small picture of me on the screen. I look all sorts of nuts with my hair spilling out around me, a crazed look in my eyes.

“Not at all,” she says, bright-eyed, considering how late it is, “I was actually debating taking a break. I swear I’m going cross-eyed.”

“What are you working on now?”

“Oh nothing. Nothing interesting compared to what you’re doing. How is it? I caught your show in Phoenix! You did amazing!”

“It was on TV?”

“Well I saw it on Youtube.”

I’m touched that she looked it up.

“But,” she says, “it was pretty amazing and really well shot. You were badass and the camera loved you. It kept focusing on either you or Brad. You are both fucking babes.”

I swear I feel myself blushing.

“Well, thank you.”

“So tell me everything. I mean everything, the real things, not just the easy stuff that you can text.”

“Are you sure? I don’t want to keep you from work.”

“Oh come on, you know it’s fine. I’ve been working pretty much ever since you left, I’m in dire need of something exciting. Let me live vicariously through you. And please, please tell me you’ve gotten some action at some point.”

I burst out laughing. “Did you think I was that hard up?”

She sticks her tongue out at me. “No. I didn’t but for the time we’ve been living together, I’ve never seen you go out on a single date.”

“I work a lot.”

“So. Work hard, play hard. And you’re working now but don’t you dare use that as an excuse.”

“Okay, let me see Baby Groot first.”

“He’s right here,” she says and puts the phone down for a moment so I see a shot of the ceiling in her office. Then after some shuffling she aims the phone’s camera back at her and Groot’s little Chihuahua face is looking at me.

I swear I almost burst into tears. It’s funny how attached you get to something even after a short time. It’s not that I’m homesick, not at all, but seeing my little dog’s face makes me realize how unstable everything really is for me right now.

And I can’t blame that on anything more than my feelings for Brad.

What I feel for Brad knocks me off balance.

Of course Baby Groot doesn’t know what’s going on. He tries sniffing the screen and then licking Christy’s face as she holds him close to her.

“Say something, talk to him,” she says, laughing.

“Hey Baby, Baby,” I coo to the screen and he automatically starts looking around trying to figure out where my voice is coming from. Suddenly it seems kind of cruel to have such a disembodied sign of his owner around but at least his tail is wagging. “I miss you so much.”

“Well he misses you too,” she says. “I’ve been letting him snuggle at the foot of the bed every night and every morning I wake up with his butt practically in my face.”

“Yeah that sounds about right.”

“So, don’t change the subject. Who are you waking up with every morning?”

“Actually, no one.”

“Not Brad?”

My heart can’t help but skip a beat. “Why would you say that?”

“Because I saw that show. And I saw the way he kept looking at you while you were performing. He didn’t give a rat’s ass about anyone else in his band, his eyes were all for you.”

I swallow hard. “Oh. Well.”

“Come on, I know you’re calling me because you have something juicy to say.”

I sigh. “Okay. Well. Nothing has really happened between us yet…we just kissed.”

She closes her eyes and squeals, dancing in her seat which makes Baby Groot jump off of her. “I knew it!”

“It just happened.”

“What, tonight?”

“Like ten minutes ago. Just outside his door.”

“So what the hell are you doing here?”

“I don’t know. Arnie, the manager, he interrupted us. I didn’t want to push it. I didn’t want to get Brad into any more trouble.”

“Why would he get in trouble? He’s a grown man, ain’t he?”

“He is but…my father.”

Christy exhales, rolling her eyes. “What now?”

“Well you know how it was pretty much all him that got me this gig…”

“No, Lael. You got yourself this gig because you’re one talented mofo. Fuck your father. Sorry but…”

“No, don’t apologize. Most people would say that. But Brad can’t. He owes everything he has to my father. When he was fourteen he had nothing, was just bounced from foster home to foster home. Music was his only stability. And then Ronald Ramsey stepped in and gave him the world. Brad wouldn’t dare mess that up.”

“Yeah but why would your father know? And why would he care?”

“Because he does. There’s a reason why he tried to get me to travel behind in that other damn bus.”

“And he knows you’re not the type to travel in your own bus.”

“I don’t think my father knows me at all, honestly. But he definitely doesn’t want Brad touching me, that much is for certain.”

“So your father doesn’t have to know.”

“There are snitches everywhere,” I tell her, lowering my voice as if my hotel room is bugged. “Besides Arnie just caught us.”

“Aren’t you kinda friendly with Arnie? You had told me before you left he was the only one really on your side of things.”

“Yeah. I don’t think he’ll say anything but this industry, man, you never know where allegiances lie. Everyone is either lying or blowing smoke up your ass and everyone is trying to get the last dollar out of you. I don’t trust a single soul here. Not Arnie, definitely not the other guys in the band. Brad is the only guy I trust.”

“Are the other guys treating you fairly?”

“I don’t know,” I tell her. “I guess. I can tell they don’t like me though. It’s just subtle things. Switch is okay, though he seems to have small-man complex, as I guess all drummers do. Calvi definitely isn’t my fan. He’s always glaring at me.”

“Is that the Italian dude? He looks like he’s glaring on every album cover I’ve seen.”

“Nah, it’s more than that. He’s judging me. He thinks I’m not cut out for it.”

“Well you know it’s bullshit. Take it from Christy here, you fucking wail on that bass. If anything those dudes are just jealous because you’re a young woman and you’re holding your own with them. No, not even holding your own, you’re blowing them out of the water.”

“Right. Well I guess that reminds me that I should probably tone it down a bit.”

“Fuck that. Don’t tone it down. Why, cuz you play bass? So what? Who says that bassists have to keep their head down? Don’t sell yourself short, that’s not like you. Think of what Brad would say if he heard you speak that way.”

I find myself smiling dreamily. “He would say I’m being silly. Oh man. What am I even doing, Christy?”

“With what?”

“I don’t know. I like him. I really do.”

“Everyone knows that.” She laughs softly.

“No, I mean…I think I might be falling for him.”

“Everyone knows that too.”

“In a real way.”

“Well that happens. It’s either you find out that your idol isn’t the man you thought they were or they turn out to be exactly what you thought.”

“Or better. Brad is better than I thought. He’s caring, you know. He’s so quiet and yet when he’s with me, his attention is only on me. It’s like he never has to say a word for me to know what he’s feeling. And he’s like…he just wants what’s best for the band. He doesn’t drink much, doesn’t do drugs, he believes in the music and being the best version of his best self. I don’t know, I guess before I knew him, I figured with his tragic upbringing, that he would be a bit of a downer and secretly doing drugs or some shit like that. It would make sense. But he’s not like that at all. He’s just…”

“Perfect?”

“Perfectly imperfect. And every moment we have, we end up spending it together. Like gravity is pulling us into each other’s orbit and there’s no choice but to either collide or keep rotating around each other.”

“That’s some deep shit, Lael,” she says dryly.

“I know.” I run my hand over my face. “It’s late too. I should let you go.”

“So tell me what you’re going to do? Just pretend that the kiss never happened?”

“No. I can’t pretend it didn’t happen. It’s seared in my brain, in my soul. His kiss branded me as his. For now. Forever. Who knows.” I hear her laugh because I’m being so dramatic. “But I can’t just move on from that. And I don’t want to.”

“So go back in his room and continue where you left off. Go get some hot rock star ass.”

I chuckle. “I think he’s probably sleeping by now. We had a long crazy day. At one point he was running around with two rattlesnakes in his hand. Man, it was the scariest, funniest thing I’ve seen in a long time.”

“Dude. Rock stars really do know how to party.”

“Then we stole a souped-up dune buggy and took it into town. The police ended up towing it away, luckily they didn’t know it belonged to us. Well, technically it belonged to this crazy Viking guy call Roar.”

“See, this is what I’m talking about. This is the part where I get to live vicariously through you.” She pauses. “Just promise me one thing before you go, okay?”

“Sure.”

“Next time you get an opportunity to be alone with him? To kiss him? You take that damn opportunity, you hear? You use it. You do the crazy shit you’ve always wanted to do. Be brave and bold and jump his bones.”

I burst into giggles. “I’ll see.”

“No, I’m telling you. Doesn’t mean you have to broadcast it to the world, but this is a dream come true for you and very few people are lucky enough to have this happen. You need to exploit it. Make it worth your while. These are the memories that you’ll reflect on one day and tell your children.”

“I’m going to tell my future children about the time I screwed a rock star?”

“I dunno,” she says with a tired shrug. “Maybe that rock star ends up being your future husband. Just gotta play your cards right. Seize this all by the horns.”

“I’ll seize it by something,” I mutter under my breath. “Okay I better go. I’m starting to fade.”

“Me too. Please text me when you’ve gotten somewhere.”

“Will do, miss nosy.”

“Hey. You called me.”

“And I’m glad I did.”

I hang up and slide the phone over onto the nightstand. I’m too damn tired now to wash up and get undressed.

I lie back and stare up at the ceiling for a few moments, going over what Christy said about Brad being my husband one day. It was a totally glib remark, meant to be a joke, but it has me wondering – if what I’m feeling for Brad is true, then what really is next? And where can it go?

There’s no doubt that it could stall and go nowhere, even if I do end up grabbing the situation by the horns, so to speak.

But what if it doesn’t?

What if there’s so much more to this, to us?

What if…

My eyes close.

I fall asleep.