It’s rare I see snow and I can’t remember ever seeing it fall so heavily. The wind is blowing sideways and I can feel it push against the side of the bus. I know George can feel the wind because he is wrestling with the steering wheel and leaning in close to the windshield. I don’t understand how ol’ George can see the road; from where I sit it looks completely black. The high-beams make the falling snow look like stars and comets whizzing by as we fly through space. We aren’t flying through space, we are on a highway in the middle of nowhere, en-route to Chicago, and we’re all terrified.

No one is saying a word. Everyone’s eyes are forward and we collectively brace ourselves when the large bus swerves and shakes. Everyone is in their usual spots. Lael’s in her seat at the front of the bus on the right, near the exit. Seeing her visibly afraid awakens something in me. I want to protect her. I have no idea how I might do that if the bus rolls off the highway, but foolishly I feel I could. I sit up tall and square my shoulders. I don’t care what my bandmates think as I make my way over to sit next to her. I wrap my arm around her and I smile.

We’ve all heard how fear is contagious. The truth is all emotions are contagious. I’ve made my living on that principle. Even at this point of my career there are times when I walk out on stage and the crowd is off. There is a funny frequency in the room that everyone has caught. There’s no telling how it started, and it doesn’t matter. If you don’t like what is being said, change the conversation. It’s my job to do just that and I do it well. Sometimes it takes a carrot, sometimes a stick and there are times where it’s best to not say a word and just wait for the right moment. Like a bear standing in a glassy pond watching the fish below, building trust, waiting.

I’m waiting for her. I can feel her and all of her emotions everywhere our bodies are touching.

“You do realize it’s safer to fly than take a bus around the country,” Lael points out with a chuckle.

This is another thing about fear, people are quick to pass blame. Although she’s right, I’m the reason we have to take the bus everywhere rather than fly.

“We’re fine,” I reply with a reassuring tone that is slightly forced.

As I answer her we pass flashing lights and sirens and can barely make out the overturned vehicles. Lael tenses up and pushes into me.

“Don’t let fear win,” I say as I pull her in tight.

I can feel her slightly relax. Partly because she’s amused by my cliché advice, but mostly because we are pulling off the highway. I assume we are being diverted due to an accident.

“So I guess you’ve been in a few blizzards on a tour bus in your day?” Lael asks.

“Actually, almost all of our tours are in the summer. Though there was a time in Norway where we had some close calls on windy cliffside roads.”

“Why are we doing a tour in the winter?” Lael asks.

“I don’t know,” I answer truthfully. “Someone has to.”

As I take a moment to silently question why we are doing a winter tour, Lael notices my confused contemplation and we share a laugh.

“Lael?”

“Yes Brad?”

“When this tour wraps up, will you come with me to one of those tropical vacation places where the sand is white and the water is blue? Like, Tahiti or somewhere like that?” I ask her, as if I was thinking out loud.

“What?” she questions.

“Last day of the tour we fly to a beach that looks like a postcard,” I say.

“Okaaaay …?” Lael’s simple one-word response drags out and her pitch dips and dives.

The bus stops with a thud.

George unbuckles his seat belt and stands up to address the gang. He’s expressionless as always, and he straightens his ill-fitting blazer before talking.

“The highway is blocked and we can’t go any further. I am sorry to say you will not make it to Chicago on time. We are parked in front of the only motel; I assume it will fill up quickly, if it isn’t already. I am old, so I get priority for a room. If there are not enough rooms available, there is enough fuel to keep the generator going so the bus will be warm. Good night.”

With that, George puts on his grey hat and opens the door. The wind whistles, and blows in snow.

“We are going to miss Chicago, this sucks!” I can hear Calvi from the back.

“Alright lads, chin up, these things do happen. Everything from here to Chicago has been canceled due to the storm,” Arnie says, while attempting to write an email on his phone.

“Well let’s try to get some rooms while we can,” Switch says as he zips up his tight leather jacket.

“Right, right, I will look into it.” Arnie gets up and makes his way out of the bus, forcing the door open against the wind.

I stealthily hold Lael’s hand for a moment and squeeze it tight to let her know I’m going to get up.

She pulls me in.

“I need to talk to you,” she whispers.

“Okay, alright,” I answer.

“Alone, later.”

“Everything okay?”

“I’m not staying on the damn bus, we have been on this thing for eight hours!” Switch shouts.

“I don’t mind staying on the bus; it’s probably better than that fleabag motel,” Calvi says.

This moment is not private and whatever Lael has to say will have to wait.

“Fuck it, I’m not waiting here,” Switch says as he stomps off the bus and into the blizzard.

“I am going to see what’s going on,” I say to Lael.

I push open the door and step outside. The wind is so cold it’s like a million tiny shards of ice stabbing your skin. I rush to the yellow light coming from the lobby entrance. When I step in, I’m overwhelmed with the smell of cats, cigarette smoke and dusty electric heat.

“Madame, we need five rooms, are you sure you only have two?” Arnie asks the lady behind the desk.

The lady has big blank eyes that refuse to blink and thin brown hair that falls past her shoulders.

“Yeppers,” she says slowly. The cigarette smoke falls out of her mouth.

Arnie steps away from the desk and turns to Switch and I.

“So,” Arnie says.

“So,” I add.

“So I’m taking one of the rooms,” Switch says.

I roll my eyes. That’s Switch, always looking out for number one.

“The other room goes to the lady,” I conclude.

We can see several people through the window making their way to the lobby. Arnie quickly turns his attention to the lady behind the desk.

“Very well, we’ll take your last two rooms,” Arnie says as he pulls out his wallet.

“Five hundred,” she replies, then takes a long, slow pull from her half-burned cigarette.

“Five hundred, are you serious?” Arnie asks.

“Yeppers,” the lady says and again lets the smoke fall from her mouth.

The lobby begins to fill so Arnie gives her the cash and takes the keys. Switch grabs one and leaves without a word.

“Shall we then?” Arnie motions to the door and the two of us make our way back to the bus. Neither of us were concerned about spending the night on the bus—we have many times, it’s actually quite comfortable. After a long eight-hour drive with the same people it does get small fast, but there’s plenty of room for Calvi, Arnie and myself to be comfortable.

“No, I think you should take it, Arnie,” Lael says politely.

“What am I, chopped liver?” Calvi pipes up with a little laugh.

“Enough of that my dear, here’s the key. It’s surely not a fancy hotel, but it has a hot shower, privacy, and a bed.” Arnie insists and hands her the key.

Lael gets a few things together, gives me a look that I well understand and leaves the bus.

“Alright lads, how about some scotch?” Arnie suggests.

“No thanks, I’m exhausted. I think I’m going to lie down,” I answer.

“Can I take my portion to bed with me?” Calvi asks Arnie, who is already pouring a glass.

Arnie hands him a glass and gives him a disappointed look. After playing with some electric breakers, he disappears to the back of the bus. I am left as alone as I can be and lie down on the couch with a heavy blanket.

Sometimes, when I am lying here, getting ready to sleep the night away, I’m hit with a wave of loneliness. I think about how I’m without family, that all of my relationships are really business associates.

I’m alone.

Then I ask myself, why? It’s obvious it’s my fault. But why have I never allowed someone to be close to me? I’ve never let my guard down and let love in, without a care of what might happen.

Love—it’s a drug I’ve never tried because I’ve seen it kill so many others. Maybe I am the drug and deep down I know I’m no good. What kind of man needs this life I’m living? What kind of man wants to stand on stage and have tens of thousands people scream for him? There is so much fakeness I have lost myself in and I’m so completely selfish.

No, I’m not protecting myself, I’m protecting whoever wants to be close to me. I’m no good and I know it. My own mother knew it.

I feel sleep beginning to come.

This is my internal process; I beat myself to sleep every night.

My phone vibrates.

I am pulled out of my sleepy thoughts and see that Lael is texting me.

This is a big bed for just me…;)

I close my eyes and smile. If ever there was someone I should protect from my silly life, it’s her. When the rock star thing wears off, I’m afraid of what she’ll see. I don’t want to fall in love with her then lose her; the people I love tend to disappear. It really is a drug, and I’m afraid I’ve already let it in my veins, it’s flowing through my heart.

I am high thinking about sneaking into her room. I am high thinking about taking her on a sunny beach vacation.

I reply: Room number?

213

I grab a few things and make my way over. I don’t feel the cold because my blood is running hot. Room 213. I knock quietly and the door opens almost immediately; she is waiting for me.

Lael is wrapped in a towel, her face has no make-up, it’s natural and beautiful. The room smells like her shampoo.

“Hurry up, let’s get under the covers, it’s freezing,” she says playfully.

Lael takes me by the hand to the bed. I’m overwhelmed by her. Her silky skin, bright eyes, her soft lips that seem to want to smile. The heat in the room is cranked and there is still steam coming from the bathroom. It’s not freezing at all.

“C’mon, take it all off Mr. Snyder,” she says, as she pulls at my leather jacket. I pull in and kiss her, her mouth is soft and we melt together perfectly. My tongue wrestles with hers for a moment then she pushes me away.

“Your jacket is wet and cold, take it off, all of it,” she demands. Lael climbs onto the bed and kneels.

I begin to undress.

Lael playfully takes off her towel. I don’t think I’ve ever met someone more comfortable being completely naked. She seems more at ease than when she’s clothed. I’m not bashful but I almost feel silly standing there naked. I’m more than ready for her, though, and she notices.

“You’re perfect,” she says, as she crawls over to the edge of the bed. With her hands on my naked ass she pulls me in, she takes me in her mouth passionately, but only for a moment. She sits up so we are face to face.

“Come to bed baby, aren’t you cold?” Lael says in a voice I’ve not heard from her. Her hand is running up and down my length, still commanding my attention, never breaking eye contact.

I kiss her, moving so I kneel on the bed and we hold each other tight. Running our hands over each other’s skin. Even in this position, our bodies are trying to find the other. I am trying to find her, and she is trying to accept me. I lay her down and our bodies know where to go. Her legs wrap around me, my arms go around her. Kissing passionately, we make love. Rolling around, taking turns, simply letting go.

I want to make her feel good. I want her to love me. My hands do everything they can to push her over the edge while I am just moments away. We untangle and she opens her soul to me. I push in as deep as I can, overwhelmed with passion but I’m still careful to be gentle.

When it’s over, I ease off and she puts her hand on my chest.

“Where did you come from?” she asks.

We lie together, face to face, kissing softly. We let our lips graze each other, she tugs my ear lightly. I pull the blankets over us. She is smiling so beautifully, we stare at each other and let a wonderful energy pass back and forth. At the same time, we laugh at our prolonged staring contest.

“What was it you wanted to tell me?” I ask.

The air in the room changes instantly. Her smile melts away. Lael lies on her back and pulls the covers to her chin.

“Brad, god, I don’t know,” Lael says, looking at the ceiling rather than me.

I feel it coming. I had let my guard down ever so slightly and now she wants out. This is where it ends. This is where she says it’s been fun but that’s a wrap. Time to call it quits, we’re done. I’m disappointed in myself, how could I have been so careless?

I prop myself up and prepare to be dumped. I practice my casual reaction in my head, I don’t want to lose dignity here.

“Brad,” she says in a whisper.

“What’s up?”

Lael turns to face me. I can’t read her expression but the way she looks at me makes my heart quicken.

“I’m pregnant.”

I feel nothing. I hear nothing. My heart has stopped and I have forgotten how to breathe. There is a microscopic version of myself living in my head that is desperately trying to bring me back to life. Pulling levers, yelling at computer screens, trying to help me react to this news.

Slowly, very slowly, I’m beginning to feel something, I hear the hum of the room again and I see her face. I have the same feeling as when I saw her scared on the bus during the blizzard. I want to protect her. I want to let her know she is not alone, but unfortunately I’m not yet able to speak, so I just stare at her. I feel like I’ve been letting it hang for hours, but I know it has only been seconds. Lael always seems so confident, I think this is the first time I’ve seen this much fear on her face.

I exhale and can feel the muscles in my face relax, feel myself become more present. We both put our heads on the pillow, letting the last of the fireworks in our chests burn out.

I smile.

She smiles back and I can see a flood of emotion in her eyes.

There’s a small part of me that has never felt more like a child, immature and unprepared in every way. There is another part of me that has never felt like more of a man and with every passing moment that feeling gets stronger. I look at this beautiful young woman, and I know, deep down, this is the beginning of the rest of my life. Deep down I know this is good.

I can speak again. My expression must be telling her how I feel because she’s already reacting to words I have not yet spoken.

I hold her hand and can feel her emotion in the tightness of her grip. I can tell she feels alone.

“I know this is crazy, but the truth is, I’m happy,” I say, as if I’m thinking out loud.

I consider for a moment that maybe she did not want to go through with it, and this was going to be a very different conversation.

“I mean, we’re in this together. You are not alone.”

A tear falls from her glassy eyes.

“I’m scared,” she says, fear obvious in her voice.

“You can’t let the fear win.” I repeat my words from earlier on the bus.

She smiles. It’s a cheesy thing to say and she’s almost rolling her eyes, but it has the effect I was hoping. Lael is starting to relax, I’m starting to relax.

“Whatever you want to do, I’m with you, but I want to let you know I’m not going anywhere,” I say, trying to be delicate. I lean in and kiss her. “We can do this,” I whisper.

Lael wipes her eyes.

“I keep picturing myself barefoot living in the suburbs; this was not in the plans,” she says.

“It doesn’t have to be like that. Why? We can set up a little baby station on the side stage. Arnie can be a babysitter, we can get little baby headphones and a tiny little And Then shirt. You can be a world-traveling rock star, kill it on stage every night, and still be a mom. Moms work all the time, you’ll just have a cooler job than most.” I’m getting excited and speaking quickly.

Lael still looks slightly overwhelmed, but at least she’s smiling.

“Look,” I explain, “we are writing our own story, we are in control. I don’t care about the band, or the company. I care about you.”

Lael’s hand is still in mine and I can feel it relax for the first time since she told me the news.

“Are we alright?” I feel electricity in my chest when I ask that question.

Lael smiles, leans over, and turns off the light. She tucks into me and I hold her close. The room is dark and the sound of the blizzard outside rattles the window.

“Yes, we are. Are you going to sneak back to the bus?” she asks.

“That got old a while ago. We are done sneaking around. I want to tell the world,” I whisper.

We make love until we fall asleep.

***

Knock, Knock, Knock.

“Time to get up.” I wake up to the sound of Arnie’s voice.

The morning light coming from the window looks like heaven, the blizzard is over and there is a blanket of white snow reflecting the sunlight in a shadowless glow. Through the paperthin walls I can hear Arnie knocking on Switch’s door a couple rooms down.

“Morning sunshine,” I say to Lael, who is slowly waking up too.

I get dressed and look for the coffee maker, but this no-tell motel doesn’t seem to have one.

“I’ll get the coffee going on the bus, meet ya there,” I say, then kiss her on the forehead.

As I step out into this winter wonderland and close the door behind me, I see Switch stepping out of his room. He gives me a loaded look. I give him a smile that speaks volumes and I don’t look away. He walks my way and passes close by.

“Something you want to get off your chest?” I ask him, daring him to say something.

He doesn’t answer. I have been more than patient with both his and Calvi’s concerns and it feels good to give him a clear message: my patience has run out and the conversation is over. Anyone else that has a problem with my relationship with Lael will quickly realize I don’t care what they think.

I walk to the bus with new confidence I’ve never felt. I feel like no one can hurt me, I’m in control, I’m a man.

I step onto the bus and smell coffee already brewing. George is reading his paper with the ease of a man in his own home. Switch is pouring an obscene amount of sugar into his coffee and Arnie is finishing a conversation on his phone. It can’t be easy for Arnie, taking care of this rag-tag operation.

“I have good news and I have bad news,” Arnie says as he tucks his phone into his pocket.

“Good news first,” I say, as I walk by him to the coffee maker and pour two cups.

“Good news is we will make it to Denver in time for the show,” Arnie says with a smile.

“And the bad news?” asks Switch.

“Well…” Arnie is interrupted by Lael opening the door.

I pass her the coffee I was planning to bring to her room.

“The bad news is we have to take a charter plane from an airport a few miles from here.” Arnie tries not to make eye contact with me as he speaks.

Of course, this is only bad news for me because of my fear of flying.

“George will have plenty of time to get the bus to Denver so we can continue the tour as scheduled.” Arnie sits next to George and they begin to make some plans.

I slowly sit down and try to process the news, but I’m jolted off of the couch by Calvi, who is still sleeping, concealed under blankets.

“Ahhh!” Calvi shouts.

“Ahhh!” I shout back. “How in god’s name can you sleep there with all of us here talking, you weirdo?”

“What did I miss?” Calvi asks.

“Aliens have taken over the world and we are the last survivors,” Switch says with a smirk.

“We are flying to Denver on a charter,” Lael chimes in.

“Oh.” Calvi scratches his messy hair and takes a coffee cup Lael poured for him.

“Okay, off we go then,” Arnie says, while George fires up the engine.

We arrive at the airport, which is really nothing more than a runway and a hanger. There is a snow plow that just finished with clearing the runway, that pulls up close to us. The snow plow guy gets out and walks toward us, smiling with a cigar clenched in his teeth.

“You Arnie?” he asks, after taking out the large cigar.

“I am,” Arnie answers.

We are all standing abreast in front to the bus.

“Great. Chuck. I will be taking you to Denver this morning. Right this way,” Chuck says, motioning toward a small airplane.

“Right-o, come on lads,” Arnie responds, then waves bye to George.

The bus pulls away. I feel like I’m in an ocean and I’m watching my life raft float away. I can feel sweat build beneath my clothes, despite the cold air.

“It’s okay, it will be a short flight,” Lael says to me while we watch the rest of the crew walk toward the plane.

“I’m fine,” I say.

I am not fine. But I don’t want Lael to see me like this. I try my best to conceal my anxiety and walk in the snowy footsteps my bandmates made.

It’s not long before we are all strapped into our tiny seats on the tiny plane. There is not a seat left, Arnie is in the co-pilot seat wearing a headset.

Chuck gets in and slams the door. The cigar has gone out, but it’s still in his mouth.

“It will be a rough ride. Denver is the worst, stay strapped in tight,” Chuck shouts at us over his shoulder.

He pulls levers and switches and the plane shakes to life. It takes almost no time before we are racing down the runway and in the air. My eyes are closed and I concentrate on breathing. I don’t want to have a meltdown in front of Lael. I try to imagine landing safely in Denver.

After some time in the air, the turbulence begins. It feels like we fall twenty feet and then snap back up. We are moving side to side, up and down.

I feel like this is the end. I’m twenty-seven-years-old, I’m a rock star, and I’m going to die in a charter plane with my pregnant lover. It’s almost poetic. Except that I can’t feel my limbs, my hands are in tight fists and my eyes are closed tight.

I’m having a panic attack. I have lost reason. I have lost control.

“Brad, honey?” I can hear her voice but it seems like she’s miles away. “Brad,” she’s closer, she’s holding me and stroking my hair. “Don’t let the fear win,” she says, in my ear.

I think about last night when I told her the same words. I want to be strong for her, I want to be strong for our future family. Family—I’m going to have a family.

I get my breathing under control. My heart is still racing but I have to focus. I focus on her.

We touch down and I’m myself again. I smile at Lael and she smiles back. She just saw me at my weakest and I can tell by how she’s looking at me that I haven’t lost her. She calmed me down. I feel like we can take on the world together.

Chuck turns to face us and with a black-toothed grin says, “Welcome to Denver.”