That promise stayed with me, a piece of him I could take across the Atlantic and hold close at night when his arms couldn’t hold me. He loved me too much to lose me. I loved him too much to lose him.
That was the truth.
Love wasn’t enough was also a truth.
We needed more than that to keep us together. So much more. Our relationship was strained, delicate enough the way it was with him still living in New York. What would happen if—when—he was drafted? Even if we could survive him relocating to another state, there was so much more that came with being a professional athlete. The practice schedule was intense, the travel schedule was insane, the girls vying to land a pro baller were incalculable. We were both young; this was our first relationship. We’d started out as roommates and haphazardly fallen for each other.
This wasn’t a recipe for a long-term relationship.
I knew that. I thought there were moments even he knew that.
I just wondered when—if—we’d go from knowing that to living it.
My flight home was on time—I considered anything within an hour of expected arrival on time—but the smile vanished from my face the moment I turned on my phone as the plane taxied the tarmac. Soren’s team had been held over in Massachusetts, where they’d been playing this weekend. The game tonight had been cancelled due to lightning, so they’d rescheduled for the morning. He wouldn’t get back into the city until late tomorrow night. My flight back to Paris left tomorrow night.
Tears burned in my eyes, exhaustion giving them their chance to surface. I’d only taken this flight because it had been two weeks since my last visit and I knew it would be another two before our schedules would overlap again. As it was, I’d spent a total of thirty hours on airplanes and in airports to spend twenty-four hours with him.
It was worth it. Half that amount of time would have been worth it.
But it wasn’t worth coming back to an empty apartment and leaving it just as empty.
The apartment. I couldn’t stand the thought of going back to another empty space.
As I moved through the airport at the pace I usually used when I was preparing to leave, I pulled out my phone. My thumb hovered over the list of numbers in my contacts. Most were business acquaintances and clients. I knew better than to call my mom and sisters. They were already worried about me with all of the traveling I’d been doing and that “dead” tone to my voice, as my mom called it.
I came close to calling Ariel and Jane, but our friendship had been waning over the past few months. I didn’t blame them at all. It was hard enough for me to keep Soren’s and my relationship going and I spent all my time with him when I did come back. I knew they’d answer if I called and I knew they’d invite me out if I asked, but I didn’t want to feel like someone’s tag-along tonight. I wanted to feel like someone’s first choice, the way he made me feel.
Just as I was about to put my phone away, it rang. Soren had told me to call him the second I landed, but I hadn’t been able to. Not yet. I needed a couple of hours for the disappointment to numb me before I called him.
“Hi, Ellis,” I said after I’d debated answering it for so long, it almost went to voicemail.
“Hello, beautiful. Land safe and sound?”
I paused inside the baggage claim area, not sure where to tell the cab driver to go when I climbed in. “Safe and sound.”
“I’m throwing a party tonight and wanted to invite you since your being Stateside is a rarity these days.” Ellis’s voice sounded out-of-character cheerful, which meant he’d probably already downed a couple of drinks at this party. “You can bring him along, of course. I’m sure he wouldn’t like it if I tried pulling you away the moment you landed.”
My chest ached. This was usually where Soren met me. Right here, inside the sliding glass doors of the baggage claim. Where he’d start running as soon as he saw me, throw himself against me so hard it made the air rush from both of our lungs, then he’d tangle my legs around him and wouldn’t stop kissing me until we risked falling over from lack of oxygen.
I wiped the tear I could feel on my cheek, but my hand came away dry. It was a phantom tear. Kind of the way Soren felt right then.
“Actually, Soren got held over for the night with his baseball team.”
“Too bad,” Ellis clucked. “But the invitation still stands.”
“I’m not really dressed for a party,” I said, even though a party didn’t sound like a bad idea. I’d done my best to keep as much distance from Ellis as I could out of respect for Soren—for us. He was my agent, which made total distance impossible, but I’d made strides in keeping our interactions limited to occasional phone calls, keeping to emails mostly.
“It doesn’t matter what you’re wearing. Trust me.” The way he said it made it sound like there was a punch line. “Come on. You’ll enjoy yourself, I guarantee it.”
“You guarantee it?” My feet were moving through the door, like they’d made the decision for me.
“I won’t allow you to leave until you have. I’ll make it my personal mission.”
I almost smiled, which was better than a certain frown. “I’m coming.”
“So soon?” There was a note of amusement in his voice before he said good-bye.
When the cab finally rolled up to Ellis’s place, the driver had to tell me we were there. I’d been trapped in a haze of contemplation ever since I settled into the back seat and gave him the address. I wasn’t thinking about what I would tell Soren when he asked what I’d done tonight. I was thinking about the future, however much longer we had. My mind even hiccupped over my dad for a moment, before I could shuffle him back to the end of the deck where he belonged.
After thanking and paying the driver, I moved toward the front doors. The night Soren and I had been here, lines of cars and cabs had been staggered around the grounds. Tonight, there wasn’t a single car in sight. Although, based on the size of the garage, Ellis could have parked twenty cars inside if he wanted to. It must have been a smaller dinner party or something.
Which suited me just fine. I was all for the distraction a get-together would provide, but I wasn’t sure I could handle hundreds of people and the noise and endless introductions that came with them.
After I rang the doorbell, the sound of footsteps echoed from inside. I was expecting one of the housekeeping staff Ellis seemed to have no shortage of, so I was surprised to find him capable of answering his own front door.
“That was quick.” He greeted me with a tipped smile, dressed the way he had the day of our Sunday photo shoot. It must have been a casual party, which was even better. He stepped aside to wave me in, holding out the drink he held as he closed the door. When I glanced at the golden liquid sloshing in the crystal glass, he said, “It’s fresh.”
“I’m okay right now. Thanks.”
For some reason, Soren’s voice from that first night I’d visited him at the pub echoed in my mind. When he’d given me the lecture on dark versus night, not leaving my purse open when I walked down the sidewalk, and never accepting an open drink from a guy.
Ellis wasn’t just a guy though. He was my agent. The person who had my best interests in mind.
“So where’s the party?” I asked as we moved through the house, ending inside an empty room that I supposed was a living room but was the size of an airplane hangar.
Ellis waved into the empty room before setting the drink on a table.
“I thought you said you were having a party.” I swallowed as I scanned the empty room again.
“I am.” He paused beside a table set with crystal bottles and poured a different drink. Lifting the glass at me, his expression flashed with something that made my gut uneasy. “A party of two.”
I stayed in the doorway as he leaned into the table and emptied an inch of the glass in one swallow.
“Have you made your decision yet?” he asked.
My head shook as I forced myself to relax. We were having a business conversation; he was asking me the same question he’d asked over every phone call and email the last month. “No.”
“You’re becoming the face of European high fashion.” He circled his glass at me before he took another drink.
“I know.”
Ellis’s shoulders lifted beneath the light linen shirt he’d left the top couple of buttons undone on. “Don’t throw this all away. Especially on some boy who doesn’t count.”
My breath caught. “I know you’re not talking about Soren.”
Ellis’s mouth moved. “You know I am.”
“He’s about to be drafted. He’s about to make it big.”
“Yes, yes, so I keep hearing. He’s going to be the All-American athlete, and you already are the European supermodel.” A chuckle rocked his chest. “How’s that supposed to work, I wonder?”
It was one thing to have my own fears—it was another to have someone laugh at them in front of my face.
“Ellis, I’m leaving.”
As I moved toward the front door, his chuckle followed me, somehow getting louder with every step I took away. I didn’t realize why that was until I felt someone grab me from behind, before not-so-gently pushing me up against the closest wall.
“But I guaranteed you’d have a good time. I promised I wouldn’t let you go until I gave it to you.” His body pushed into mine, leaving nothing to speculation about how he had intended to do so. His breath reeked of alcohol; his face was flushed from it. He wasn’t exactly holding me against my will, but he wasn’t making it easy for me to get by him either.
Inhaling, I focused on his eyes, hoping I looked braver than felt. “You’ve crossed a line.”
“No.” He clucked his tongue, his eyes dropping to my mouth. “But I’m about to.”
Inside my purse, my phone was vibrating against my hip. It was him. I knew it was. Whether he knew or had a feeling or a subconscious awareness of what was going on, Soren was calling to check on me. Because he cared. Because he wanted to protect me.
Because he’d been right all along about the man breathing against my neck right now, trying to charm me with his money or sway, his booze or his body.
“Let me go. I’m leaving.”
“I can take your mind off of him. I can do more.” His hips thrashed into mine, making me jolt. “I guarantee I can fuck better than some boy who was just discovering he had a dick while I’d was using mine to find supermodels’ G-spots.”
“Ellis, stop.” I shoved his chest, which managed to give me a window of space to finish rushing to the door.
“I’m twice the man he is. You don’t know what you’re walking out on.” From the sound of his voice, he’d stayed where I’d shoved him. He wasn’t chasing me any longer.
“I know what I’m walking toward.” I didn’t look back as I threw the door open. “And you are nothing like the man he is.”
After slamming the door, I rushed as far away from it as I could get before the adrenaline waned and my body felt limp. Pausing just outside the front gates, I leaned into one of the big brick pillars and let myself catch my breath as my tears expelled their own form of release. I had to lean forward from the emotions pouring out of me, my body trembling like I was hot with fever.
In my purse, my phone vibrated again. I couldn’t answer. Not until I’d made it back to the apartment, taken a shower, and had a cup of tea. Not until I’d composed myself enough that I wouldn’t break down in shaking sobs the moment I heard his voice. I knew when he found out what had happened, it would take a ton of convincing to keep him with his team so he could play the game tomorrow instead of jumping on the first bus, train, or plane out of there.
If he heard me crying as I described it, he’d run back to New York if he had to.
After I forced myself away from the front gate, I wanted to walk for a while before flagging a cab. The exertion felt good; each step seemed to drain another drop of emotion out of me in a way that didn’t involve my tear ducts.
By the time I found a cab, there was a subway station nearby, so I decided to take that route instead. I’d missed the New York subway. I’d missed the smells and the people, the sights and the memory of the first time I’d ever taken one, when he’d stayed right beside me the entire time. Even then, protecting me from . . .
Myself.
My worst enemy. He hadn’t been just trying to protect me from Ellis, but from my misguided impressions of the type of man Ellis was. He hadn’t just been attempting to protect me from the creatures he swore lurked in the night, but from my small-town illusion that nothing bad could ever happen to me.
He’d protected me by using himself as a buffer.
By the time I’d crawled up to the sixth floor, I knew I couldn’t wait for a shower and a cup of tea. I had to call him now. I had to hear his voice and feel that film of protection close around me, snug and airtight.
As soon as I shoved through the apartment door, I dialed his number. It rang a few times, which was unusual. He always picked up on the first or second ring. Roaming through the dark, empty apartment, I switched on every light I passed as his phone went to voicemail.
Punching his number again, I stopped when I noticed the glass vase filled with the bouquet of daisies. They were dead. A scatter of petals surrounded the base of the vase. Taking a closer look, I could see there was no water inside. From the look of how dried out they were, the water had been gone for days.
Why was I about to cry all over again over a bunch of wilted daisies?
I didn’t have time to analyze my answer before the other end clicked.
“Hello?” It wasn’t a voice I was expecting to hear.
Checking my phone, I made sure I’d punched in the right number. Soren’s name was at the top of the screen.
“Hell-oo?” The same voice, just the most impatient version of the word.
Before I could reply, I heard some shuffling in the background. “Hayden?”
My lungs released. Okay, this was the voice I’d been expecting to hear.
Those lungs contracted back up when I realized a girl had answered Soren’s phone.
“Who was that?” I asked.
He sounded like he was trying to move somewhere quieter. “I’ve been trying to call you all night. Did you make it into New York?”
My head shook. “Who just answered the phone, Soren?”
From his silence, I knew before he said it. “Alex. That was Alex.”
My hand dropped to the table, needing it to support me. “Why is Alex answering your phone?”
He exhaled. “She wasn’t supposed to answer my phone, but she took that upon herself since I left it on the table when I ran to the bathroom.”
Nothing he was saying was making me feel any better. “Where are you?”
“Some pizza parlor next to the hotel we’re staying at for the night. The whole team came over to have dinner.”
Pizza. Dinner. The team. I repeated that to myself a few times to calm myself down after hearing some other woman answer my boyfriend’s phone. The very woman I already had a thing or two against, based on the fact that she looked at Soren like she wanted to make him hers.
I was trying to figure out what to say next when I noticed something scattered around the table. A big envelope was ripped open, the contents spread out around it. All of it, from the one-way plane ticket to the condo listings to the ball cap, had one thing in common—Miami.
“Are you still at the airport? Your flight must have come in late again, right?”
Soren’s voice drifted into the background as I shuffled through the rest of the papers. One of the condo listings pages had one of them circled with the words “all yours” scribbled by the pending sale box. A list of city highlights, the team’s stats—there was even a demographic sheet of the city’s occupants. Another circle over the ratio of single males to females, the number of woman staggeringly outnumbering the guys.
I crashed into the chair behind me, curling into my stomach for the second time that night.
“Because I need to talk to you about something before you head to the apartment. I need to—”
“Tell me you’re leaving?” My eyes lifted to the one-way airline ticket on top of the pile. “In eleven days?”
On the other end? Silence.
“Why didn’t you tell me? You promised you’d fucking tell me.” My back shook as familiar pain coursed through me. “When were you going to tell me? When I flew home the next time you weren’t here to meet me and I walked into an empty apartment?”
“Hayden—”
“You swore you wouldn’t do this. You promised me you wouldn’t bail on me the way he did. You swore to me!” My back shook as sobs erupted, despite the lack of tears left to shed.
“Hayden, what’s wrong?” His voice was concerned, anxious, not at all the one I’d expected to hear from him right now—the one that accepted he’d just been caught. “What happened?”
My head fell into my hands, my eyes clamping closed. I needed to tell someone. I needed to tell him. But I couldn’t. He didn’t deserve my secrets anymore. He didn’t deserve my dark, and he didn’t deserve my light. I’d given them both and he’d let them wilt where he’d left them.
“What happened is that I just realized what a fool I’ve been for letting myself fall in love with you.”
“Why does that make you a fool?” From his voice, I could tell he had to force his jaw to unlock with each word.
“Because you’re not the person I thought you were. You’re not the man you promised me you were.”
“And you’ve realized all of that from some paperwork scattered around a table? Papers you have no idea what they have to do or not do with me?” Anger was coming through in his voice, which only spurred my own into being.
“Given the name S. Decker is listed on the front of the envelope all of this junk came out of, yeah, I think I know exactly what all of this has to do with you.”
“You think you know,” Soren said slowly, a puff of air coming from him right after. “Ellis told me about Paris. Did you know that? He told me about the flat you’ve put a down payment on.”
“What?” The turn in the conversation shocked me out of my anger. “When did he tell you that?” My fingers rubbed my forehead as I felt my whole life falling down in pieces around me.
“A while ago. Another play to take me out of the game, no doubt.” He paused, sounding like he’d just shoved through some door. “I figured you had your reasons. I gave you the benefit of the doubt that you’d explain your side of it to me when the time was right instead of calling you up and flaming you over the phone.”
I’d been waiting for—dreading—this moment from the beginning. But I never would have guessed that this would be how we’d end. With an emotion-fraught phone call on the same night we’d planned to spend together.
“I haven’t decided on Paris. I haven’t made my decision.” When I found myself staring at the wilted daisies, I made myself look away. “But clearly you have decided.”
He’d been about to say something but stopped himself. All I heard was his uneven breathing for the next few moments. “I keep telling you I’m not your dad. Stop treating me like I am.”
My dad. He was behind me. Why did Soren want to keep pulling him to the front?
“Then stop acting like him.” An explosion erupted from me then, resulting in me shoving the table as hard as I could. Its legs whined across the floor, and half the contents on it toppled to the floor when it came to a stop.
“Yeah.” From his voice, I knew. I’d lost him. “And I finally just accepted that you’re never going to believe me.”
Neither of us said a word, but it was deafening.
My jaw worked. “Say it.”
“You’re the one who made the call. You say it.”
Saying the words wouldn’t change anything—but it would give us both closure. And they were the words I always knew I’d have to say to him—they were the ones I’d practiced in my head. I knew it. He was learning it too.
Love like this didn’t last. It couldn’t. It was only a matter of time, similar to planting a flower in the dark and expecting it to flourish. Life couldn’t bloom from darkness. I’d never realized how much of it I carried inside me until I was forced to confront the end of our relationship.
“It’s over, Soren.” I spoke each word slowly, like a vow.
“There wasn’t anything to be over, Hayden. I just realized that finally too.” Where mine was empty of emotion, his voice swam with too much. “You’ve been trying to tell me that the whole time, right? Message finally fucking received.”
I pushed myself from the chair, forcing myself to turn my back to the life we’d created inside this small, crummy apartment. “Enjoy Miami.”
“Enjoy Paris.” He’d barely finished before the line went dead.