A knock came on the door. “Horny lovebirds!”
Kirk stood outside the door, and he gave two more knocks before Ryan pulled away.
Growling, he jerked the door open an inch. “What?”
A smug snicker came from the other side. “You two can get it on later. Today’s my day.”
Ryan wasn’t amused. “Your skip days are usually about getting high, drunk, and/or laid.”
“Not today.”
I caught a quick flicker of a grin on Ryan’s face before he masked it and moved farther away from me. His hand still rested on my waist, but once my hot flashes had subsided, I enjoyed watching this exchange play out on Ryan’s face.
He loved Kirk. That was obvious, but he was wary of him. Still, he was becoming more open to whatever Kirk was going to say. His hand had relaxed on my waist, and since we were at his friend’s house, I thought maybe the right thing was to cool our lust jets a bit. But once we were alone again? Hell yes, I’d be jumping Ryan.
And you still think you aren’t trying to be me?
I stiffened, hearing Willow’s mocking tone. I ignored her.
I’m you, Mac. You can’t ignore me, and you know it. That’s like you ignoring yourself.
I gritted my teeth and caught Ryan glancing at me.
I can ignore myself all I want, I shot back and shoved toward the door—and out of Ryan’s hold.
“Wha—” Ryan watched me stalk past Kirk, who shifted quickly out of the way.
I went back to the tequila bottle, saw a shot already poured, and downed it. Salt be damned. I still didn’t need the lime either.
And goddamn—that burned. I felt it this time, and that meant I needed another one. I was reaching for my fourth shot when I felt another presence beside me.
Goddamn Willow. She was never going to leave me alone.
“So, not to be blunt in an offensive way, but . . .”
Not Willow.
I looked up. Nick was staring at the shot in my hands like he could see a worm in it.
His eyes flicked up to mine. “But your damage is your sister, right?”
It took a second for his question to penetrate. The booze was starting to fog everything. I blinked at him. “What?”
“I mean . . .” He coughed, turning around to rest against the table. He gestured over his shoulder to Ryan and Kirk, still talking outside the pool shed. “Kirk’s damage is his parents’ divorce, and his dad is hardly ever around. Ryan’s damage is losing his best friend close to two years ago, and yours is your sister, right?”
My hand felt like punching him.
I scowled. “Yeah. That. No big deal.” My tone was biting.
He paused, and then a crooked grin formed. “Oh. Sorry.” He straightened from the table, his hand running through his hair. “I’m not trying to be a jerk—”
“Too late.”
He didn’t blink. “I wanted to ask because I didn’t want to assume anything. My sister says I do both. I’m a jerk, and I assume too much.”
“I might love your sister.”
He laughed, easing back to rest against the table again. “I know we’ve all been hanging out for a while, but since you and Ryan are obviously more than fooling around, I figured I should try to get to know you a bit. You know, one on one.”
I took the shot, dropped the glass on the table, and moved away from him. Without breaking stride, I said, “That’s weird.”
Four shots. Dear Tequila Lord, please work more. I don’t want to feel anything anymore.
He followed me toward the pool. “My sister says I’m that too.”
Nick mostly stuck to conversation with Kirk and Ryan. If he wasn’t talking to them, chances were high he was ragging on Tom. He rarely talked to me, and I could see why. I was on edge, and I knew he had a mean streak in him, so I was thinking this combination wasn’t a smart one.
I called to Kirk, “You have bathing suits around here?”
Kirk pointed inside the pool shed. “In here. Marie keeps everything washed, so if it’s on the floor, just leave it. It hasn’t been cleaned yet.” He hit Ryan’s shoulder and jerked his head backward. “Come on. Let’s take another shot.”
He stepped aside as I came over to them. His words were for Ryan, but he was watching me. “I don’t want to lose you in there with your girlfriend again. Who knows when the two of you will come back out.”
I stopped right between the two. I could feel Ryan behind me, and I knew he was going to touch me. And in three, two, one, his hand came to rest on the small of my back.
I suppressed one of the good shivers and forced myself not to lean back against him. It would’ve been so easy.
Instead, I fixed Kirk with a glare. “Tsk, tsk. You’re coming across as jealous.”
Kirk’s smug grin vanished. His eyes widened, and he straightened. “That isn’t what I meant.”
“Still.” God forbid we didn’t play by Kirk’s rules for how he wanted the skip day to happen. I winced inwardly at the amount of anger I felt.
I didn’t like being chastised by Kirk, but I also didn’t like the way I was acting.
I could feel Ryan’s gaze on me as I shut the door with him outside. He was saying something to Kirk, and I recognized reproach in his tone. I leaned back and let out a deep breath.
Good God, what was I doing?
Skipping. Taking four shots of tequila. Making out with Ryan and smarting back at his best friend? Being snide to his other friend?
Reaching behind me, I locked the door and slid down, my head hanging between my legs. One moment. I needed one goddamn moment for everything to settle.
Willow sat next to me. It’s only going to get worse, twin sister.
Go away.
I have nothing better to do. I check in with Robbie, and he’s sad, but he’s at least grieving me in the right way.
Was I going to indulge in this? Yes. Apparently, I was. What are you talking about?
He cries, but then he goes and plays with his friends. When he feels the grief, he stops and feels it. He doesn’t deny it like you do.
I couldn’t. She didn’t understand. If I let it come—I shook my head and pushed myself back to my feet. I couldn’t have this conversation, real or not. If I let any of it in, I’d be crushed. It was a mountain of raw, blistering pain, and I wouldn’t come out intact.
She didn’t know. She didn’t understand. No one did.
Swimsuit, Mackenzie, I told myself. Find one and stop thinking. It’s fucking simple.
I felt Willow’s presence as I found a suit and put it on. She was always there, but I was getting better at pretending she wasn’t. And feeling the tequila really begin to kick in, I knew she’d be gone real soon.
Completely gone.
Grabbing a towel, I threw open the door. You can stay in here.
After that, I walked right to the pool and dove in. Once I was in there, I didn’t stop. I couldn’t. The tequila was fast starting to dull my senses, but it’d wear off. I had to keep going. I started doing laps. I’d tire myself out.
And it worked. I don’t know how long I went, but I just kept going until the others jumped in with me.
I felt the splashing before a pair of arms slid around my stomach, and then I was airborne.
Shrieking, I saw Ryan grinning at me a second before I crashed into the water again. I rose back to the surface in time to see Kirk lunge at Ryan, and then the wrestling was on. Nick cannonballed over them, letting out a yell as he joined the fray. The three dunked each other a few more times until Ryan noticed me watching. He grabbed my ankle, yanking me to him. I felt the slide of his body against mine before he threw me in the air once again.
After that, it was war.
Kirk, Nick, Ryan, and I spent the next hour trying to dunk each other. I was mostly the loser, but every once in a while, I pulled out a surprise and got one of them.
I’d gone from feeling crazy, to wanting to jump Ryan, to almost fighting with Kirk and Nick, to crying, to laughing and playing in the pool.
As skip days go, it was one of the better ones.
After another hour, I pulled myself out. My body was tired, my mind lethargic, and the booze still securing me in a warm fog. That was all I cared about. I padded barefoot to one of the lounge chairs. Two towels were on the end of the chair and I settled back, pulling both on top of me like blankets. I settled in, curling as much into a ball as I could, and watched the guys roughhouse.
At some point a shadow blocked the sun. It was enough to wake me, and I opened my eyes to find Cora frowning down at me.
“You were sleeping?”
I sat up, rubbing a hand over my face. There was a small pounding behind my temples—goddamn tequila. I looked over, but the guys weren’t in the pool anymore. They’d moved to the couches, tossing a basketball back and forth.
“Yeah. I guess.” I skimmed over her, noting her backpack still on and her shirt untucked from her jeans. “What time is it?”
“Almost four.”
“You came over right after school?”
She nodded, studying the guys before letting out a sigh and dropping her backpack to the ground. She sat on the lounge chair beside me but didn’t move to lie down. She stayed on the edge, turned toward me, and kept her eyes on the guys.
I saw the worry lines around her mouth and sat farther up, pulling the towels with me to keep warm. I was a little chilled.
“What’s wrong?” I asked. “They in trouble for skipping?”
Her narrowed eyes met mine briefly. “I doubt it. Kirk never gets in trouble for skipping. He never did. Nick’s mom will probably get a call, but she doesn’t really care. If he says it’s because one of the guys had a hard day, she’ll be okay with that. And Ryan . . .” Her bottom lip stuck out farther, and she trailed off.
Aha. I got it. She was worried about Ryan.
“I thought you were okay with me and Ryan?”
Her eyes jerked back to mine, widening slightly. “What?”
“You’re concerned about him.”
“No.” She tugged at her shirtsleeve and then smoothed the ends of her shirt over her pants. “I mean, he skipped the first day because of you, and now he skipped because of Kirk. He went downhill the other year because of him.”
“His friend died.”
“I know, but . . .” She stopped talking, her teeth sinking into her bottom lip.
She didn’t get it. It didn’t make sense to her how grief could be overwhelming. It made more sense to blame Kirk’s influence than Ryan losing a friend.
Fuck. What did she think my problem was?
“It must be nice,” I murmured, resting my head back against the chair.
Her eyes flickered. “What?”
“Not to have lost anyone.”
Her head lowered. “My hamster died when I was twelve.”
Pets could be family members too, but I didn’t assume hers was. She didn’t sound too broken up over it.
Real and genuine jealousy slammed through me. It hit my chest, my heart, my stomach, every single cell in my body—all the way from my toes to my hair. I wanted her life. I wanted it so badly I was almost crying.
I would’ve given up Ryan to have what she had.
“Everyone knows the four of you cut today.”
I was still envisioning life without that pain, so it took a second for those words to register.
It was my turn to frown. “So?”
“So.” She reached up to tighten her ponytail. “Everyone knows you guys skipped.”
I wasn’t following her. “Is that a problem? Or what? I’m not getting what you’re saying.”
“No.” She went back to chewing her bottom lip before shrugging. “Stephanie Witts knows. All the girls, and guys. They wanted me to call them when I found out where everyone was.”
Oh. Shit.
“Tell me you didn’t call. Right?” I leaned forward, pulling my legs in and tucking the towels under my arms. “You didn’t call those girls.”
She didn’t answer, and I could see she was chewing the inside of her cheek.
Fuck! She did. I groaned, letting my head fall forward to smack my palm. “How long until they all descend?”
She jerked up a shoulder, sitting silent.
“Hey!” I waved my hand in the air. She was staring at the guys and barely answering me. “When did you call them?”
“Oh.” She glanced at her phone. “Like ten minutes ago.”
More voices came from around the side of the house. Tom rounded the corner of the house first and the rest of the guys followed. I saw Peach and Erin with them. There were more shadows behind her, and as Tom reached over a fence and opened the door, they filtered in. Erin’s friends had come with her.
The line didn’t end.
I recognized some guys from my grade coming in.
Cora muttered almost to herself, “Those are the basketball players. The football team isn’t here. They had practice.” She watched as Nick pounded a few of the guys on the arm. “Nick’s going to get in trouble for missing today.”
More people came in, flooding the entire backyard.
I stopped watching, but I heard what she said.
His coach would get upset, but not his parents.
Erin called Cora’s name, and I jumped up from the lounge chair.
“Where are you going?” she asked.
I didn’t answer. As Erin headed over, I zipped back into the pool shed and locked the door behind me.
I couldn’t do this. Not all these people.
My insides felt pulled apart and put together wrong. Nothing felt right anymore. I couldn’t sit on a lounge chair with Cora, hearing whatever Erin had to say—whether she was going to take digs at me or kiss my ass. She’d resorted to the latter over the last few weeks, and I didn’t get it. Whether she wanted to be friends or not, it wasn’t happening.
My only real friend was Ryan.
And that’s the problem.
God, not now! I snapped at my ghost.
Willow rolled her eyes. You haven’t made it right with Zoe and Gianna at home, and you aren’t making friends here. I get that Cora’s a little weird, but Mac, you’re fast becoming weirder. You’re almost a leech on Ryan.
Shut up. I paused a beat. And Zoe and Gianna, that’s on them. They wanted me gone, not the other way around.
She snorted. So yell at them. Curse them out. Get mad. Don’t just disappear. I mean, I know. She changed the subject. I get it, Mac. A part of you wants to go grab your boy and pull him away from his friends, but you can’t. Let the guy have a fun day for once. Don’t make yourself his problem. If you’re together or not, it isn’t going to last if you keep going on like this.
I said shut up.
This is tough love. I get that you’re falling apart because of me, but don’t mess up the one thing you’ve gotten right. Give him some space.
She was right, but I didn’t want to be lectured anymore. Surging to my feet, I changed back into my clothes and grabbed my bag. I had no clue where Kirk’s house was, but I figured I was safe. Everyone was talking or laughing when I slipped out of the pool shed. Some were in the pool, but I didn’t see Ryan anywhere. Guessing he was inside, I moved around the backyard and left through the same gate everyone else had come in through.
I’m not running away, I told myself firmly. But I was lying.
I was totally running away.
Not wanting to be a clinger, as Willow claimed I was becoming, I sent Ryan a text.
Me: I’m heading home. I forgot I was supposed to go see Robbie with my folks. I’ll give you a call when I get back.
My phone vibrated almost right away.
Ryan: Are you sure? How are you getting home?
I was walking, but I pulled up the car service app. After ordering one to pick me up, I relayed that to Ryan.
It took a moment before my phone buzzed back.
Ryan: Okay. Call me later then.
I thumbed back, right as the car pulled up next to me.
Me: Totally. Have fun!
Then I climbed in, and the car took me away.