ONE YEAR LATER
RYDER
“Goodnight L.A. Thanks for having us!” The noise level made my closing barely audible even through the speakers.
The band made their way off stage to the thunderous roar of crowd noises. After two encores, we were done. With adrenaline flying, we opened the door to the green room that now held all our own stipulations.
In the last two years, the band had exploded into the music scene in nuclear fashion. Steel flew high as a whole, but none higher than me. I wrote the entire first album in less than two months after learning of Laina’s death. Darkness and misery poured out of each stroke of the pencil and every chord I strummed.
The bus rolled down the highway from show to show, and lyrics tumbled from my mind, or maybe my heart, onto the pages of my notebook. I couldn’t be bothered with using a computer like some musicians were moving toward. I needed paper and pencil to make my music happen. Nothing more.
Daniel came up behind me as I watched the groupies gearing up to take on whatever the guys were into tonight.
“You hanging around tonight for some fun and games?” He nodded in Jason’s direction where a panty-less woman’s skirt hiked up around her waist as she ground down on him.
“No, man. You know that’s not happening. I got some songs to lay down, though. I’ll see y’all at the bus later. Enjoy some pussy for me.” I grinned at him, picked up a bottle of Jack, and walked to the doorway.
I called over the room. “Y’all be good children and don’t miss the fucking bus.”
“I got your fucking bus right here, Ryder Steel.” Brett grabbed his junk over his jeans and shook. “Hang around, Ryder. Someone will feel sorry for you, and you might get lucky.” Everyone laughed, and I gave a half-smile at his attempted humor. They knew I wouldn’t stay to watch the debauchery. I’d never be a part of it, either.
Security for tonight flanked me back to the bus. Our home on wheels’ door opened, and they watched me walk up to the top of the steps. I turned back and saw Todd give me a sharp nod. He knew what I wanted, or in this case, needed for tonight. He always took care of me.
The steady decline in constantly being high or wanting to be high kept me moving forward. I didn’t know if I wanted to keep going most nights. What I wanted was to tempt fate at every turn.
The top to my handle of Jack hit the floor as I took a drink directly from the bottle. The fire sliding down my throat woke up my senses. The thirst I knew was coming needed to be slaked ahead of the hit.
I pulled out the tubing, tied it off, and prepped the needle waiting for me. After another healthy pull on the bottle, I stared at the white horse calling me to take a ride. The sudden rush I was about to have would pull me under and let my brain rest. That’s what I thought it did.
The vein popped up after a couple of taps, and I eased in the needle. As I pressed the plunger, I heard the door open to the bus.
“Fuck,” I growled as I pushed harder. “Who’s out there?”
“Dude. What are you doing back there?” Daniel yelled from the front steps followed by some giggles. “I needed to come pick up my keys. We’re going for a ride.”
While he spoke, I eased down on my bed. Damn, it felt so fucking good. The warmth spread over me, taking me under. Taking me to a location where I felt best—floating.
I heard the door slide back.
“What the fuck, Ryder? What have you done?”
“Get out.” I thought I yelled. “Get the fuck out now.”
“No, dude.”
“Yeah, I’m fine. It’s all going to be good now.”
“Like hell, it will.”
I heard him talking to someone, maybe on his phone. I didn’t know or care. I felt good. I felt free. I could make it through another night, alone. I could live for another day, alone.
Ties held me down when I woke up. “Help,” I tried to scream. “Help me.”
The metal door swung open to a big guy in scrubs.
“Good morning, Mr. Steel.”
“Where the fuck am I?” The Mojave Desert lived in my mouth. The words barely escaped in more than a whisper. Looking around, I recognized nothing. This couldn’t be good.
“You’re in Arizona.”
“How the hell did I get here? I was in Los Angeles yesterday.”
“Actually, that was three days ago. They brought you here three days ago.” The blue-clad giant started at my ankles untying the binds.
“Who did this to me?” Someone had to get me here, and I knew my band wouldn’t do it. They loved me. I was Ryder fucking Steel. I owned this band.
“I’m not sure about that, Mr. Steel.”
I watched as he loosened the straps on my wrist. “Thanks, man. It’s Ryder.” I rolled my stiff wrist around when he finished.
“No problem.” He completed his task and sat on the rolling stool by the bed. “You want to try to stand up? Maybe take a leak on your own?”
I glanced back at him wondering how I’d been doing before now. “I guess. Yeah. I gotta piss like a racehorse now that you’ve mentioned it.”
“Okay, let’s do it.” He unfolded his long body and stood beside the bed. “Let’s start with your feet on the floor and see how far you get.”
I thought I had this and tried to throw my legs over. Yeah, they barely moved. My head jerked back up looking at him. “What’s going on?”
“Dude, you haven’t moved on your own in three days. You can’t expect everything to go back to working like before so quickly. Let’s do this together.”
He pulled my legs over to the side, and I slid forward to the edge of the bed. When my feet hit the white tiled floor, I winced at the cold.
“Yeah, everything’s going to seem sensitive for a while. It’ll get better. Now, I want you to stand and hold on to me.”
I eased off the bedside, my legs wobbling. “Guess I’m more unsteady than I thought.”
He nodded. “Just stand but don’t try to walk yet.”
I stood holding onto his forearms and looked at him. “How the fuck did this happen?”
“Apparently, the dosage you took was too much for your body. You OD’d on H. Do you remember taking it?”
“No, I don’t remember shit at this point.” Standing made me sweat.
“Good thing one of your band members found you when he did. You’d just injected the substance. He saved your life.”
“Why?” I looked at this man who held me up.
“Why?” he asked back. “Why what?”
“Why did he save me?”
“Hmm… that’s a question you’ll have to ask him. Don’t you think we all need saving at some point?”
I didn’t answer.
“Okay, you seem more stable. Try a few steps and see what you got.”
The two of us managed to get me into the pristine white bathroom where I leaned on the wall long enough to piss.
Exhaustion set in by the time I made it back to bed. All I wanted to do was sleep.
“Mr. Steel?”
Sunshine beamed across my face. I held out my hand to block the rays. “What? Can someone shut the damn blinds? That’s too fucking bright.”
“Sure thing.” I heard movement, and the room darkened slightly. “You’re going to get up today, Mr. Steel. Doctor’s orders.”
“Fuck the doctor. I’m fine right here.”
“No, sir. You’re not. Come on.”
“I don’t want to get out of this fucking bed. Now leave me the hell alone.” My feeble attempt at swatting the hand away only caused me to almost fall out of the bed.
“Let’s do this together, Mr. Steel.”
“No.”
“Sorry, I can’t take no for an answer.”
“Like hell, you can’t. I feel sure I’m paying to stay here, so I’m the boss.”
“Yes, you are paying dearly. But while you’re in this room, and I’m on duty, I’m the boss. I say you’re getting out of this bed today. You need a bath and food.”
“Fuck that. I couldn’t eat if I tried.”
“We’ll start slow. Liquids.”
“I could use some liquids. How about a fifth of my old buddy Jack?”
“Uh… that’s a big no. How about a bottle of apple juice or a Gatorade? We have all flavors.”
“Sounds like shit.”
“No, we don’t have shit flavor, but the other clients think the purple’s pretty good.”
“How about some water, then?”
The crisp sound of water pouring over ice broke the silence. The man handed me a tall glass with a straw. After a few sips, I handed it back.
“Okay. Now you’re getting up.”
“Fuck. Are you going to do this to me every day?”
“Yes, either someone else or me so you might as well get it in your head, you’re getting up from now on.”
This same routine went on for what seemed like months. In reality, it might have been a few days. My brain didn’t want to process any of it.
“Good morning, Ryder.”
“What’s good about this shit? I fucking need to get out of here.” I rolled over facing the wall. “Who says I have to stay? I can check out anytime I want, right?”
“Let’s have you talk to Dr. Grimes first. See what he thinks about that idea.”
“Then get his sorry ass in here. I’m ready to leave.”
The door closed behind my daily visitor. This couldn’t be my life. Not much time passed before I heard the door open again.
“Mr. Steel? I’m Dr. Grimes. You wanted to have a visit?”
“Hell no. I don’t want to have a visit. I want to leave.”
“You agreed to stay for thirty days when you came in.”
“No way did I commit myself to thirty days of this shit.”
“Actually, we have the papers saying you did. Care to sit up and talk to me in my office?”
“Will it get me out of here sooner?”
“Possibly.”
“Then let’s do this.” I rolled over and put my feet on the floor. I could do it this time.
“Let’s walk to my office.” He put his hand out to show the way from my door.
From the looks around this place, I knew I was paying top dollar to be here. Everything about it spoke money and luxury. I didn’t give a fuck, though. I wanted out. I needed out. People depended on me for their livelihood. The band depended on me. It was time to get back to what I did best.
Dr. Grimes sat down in a chair in front of a sleek desk and held out a hand suggesting I join him in the mirror-imaged seating.
“So, Ryder Steel. It’s a pleasure to meet you.”
I looked at this guy out of one eye. Whose pleasure were we talking about? Couldn’t be mine. I was miserable. My head hurt. My eyes hurt. Fuck, I hurt in general.
“Why am I here, doctor?”
“Ryder. May I call you that?” I nodded. “You’re here because you overdosed on heroin. You were found quickly by one of your bandmates, and the doctors were able to revive you.”
“Great.” My enthusiasm lacked.
“Is it? Do you remember anything about the drugs you injected?”
I thought about what he asked. “Not really. Were they something special?”
“In a broad sense, no, but in your case, it was too much.”
I nodded my head.
“The real question is, was the amount you used intentional?”
“Are you asking if I was trying to kill myself with it? If that’s what you want to know, the answer is no and yes.”
“I’m not sure it can be both.”
“Sure it can. If I died, it’d be all right. If I lived, that’s okay, too.”
“Your friends and family would disagree with you. They’ve been extremely worried about you since you arrived.”
“Oh yeah. Could have fooled me. I haven’t seen any of those fuckers show up here.”
The doctor leaned forward and retrieved a paper on his desk. “That doesn’t mean they haven’t been here. You can’t have visitors yet.” He turned the paper around, and signatures I recognized covered the form.
I took it from him. “These people have all been here?”
“Yes, or they called. They all tried to come the first day, but we informed them it would be a while before you can work up to having visitors.”
“Well, shit. I want to see my friends, explain to them—”
“And that time will come.” He looked at me over the top of his old-man half-glasses.
We spent the next hour talking about basically nothing. He asked ridiculous questions he should already have the answers to, and I tried not to look at him like he was a moron.
“Okay, I think I’ve grilled you enough for one day. Do you have any questions for me?”
“Yes.” I looked up at him. “Why the hell do good people die?”
He folded back his notebook to the beginning. It was plain, white, and sterile. He finally looked up at me and gave me a hint of a smile. “That’s a good question, Ryder. I wish I had the answer to it. Not everything in our lives is in our control, and your question is a perfect example of it.”
I stood and walked out the door. Obviously, he didn’t know any more than I did.
The next few days all passed the same. Someone showed up to make me get up. Dr. Grimes tried to get me to tell all. I had nothing to say because I knew he didn’t have the answers. I had to give it to the guy for trying, though. He never seemed exhausted over my repetitive nothingness.
On Saturday morning, I immediately knew something different was going on. Same guy, different day, showed up, but this time, he had clothes in his hands instead of my usual white wardrobe.
“Morning. Here’s some of your own clothes to wear today.” He handed the stack to me.
“Oh, really? Why do I need these unless I’m leaving?” I eyed him while still laying on my pillow.
“Dr. Grimes is going to let you have some visitors today.” He smiled at me like he knew this would make me happy.
“Hell yeah.” I sat up. “It’s about fucking time. Who’s coming? Do I get to choose who I want to see?”
“Whoa, slow down, speed racer. I don’t know the answer to any of your questions. I’m only told what I need to know. My job today is to make sure you’re ready to see visitors, and from the first actual enthusiasm I’ve seen out of you since you’ve arrived, I’m going to say yes, you’re ready.”
“Dude, I was born ready. I’m so ready to get the hell out of here, I’ll take whatever I can get.” Scooping up the clothes, I disappeared into the bathroom.
While I showered, I thought about who I truly wanted to see. Now I had a few minutes to think about the fact that anyone I saw would want to ask questions, my overzealous attitude slightly slipped away.
Dressed, I stepped out to where my helper waited. “You want to shave some of that fur off your face?” My unkempt beard stared at me in the mirror. On the road, the label’s makeup people made sure it looked perfect every night.
“Yeah, the lumberjack look might scare someone. You got a razor for me?” I turned to look at him.
He stood. “Sorry man, you have to leave the door open, so I can watch you with it.” He shrugged his shoulders.
“Right. I get it. You’re doing your job. We’ve all got them, unless this is some kind of kink you’ve got. You know, watching other men shave or something like that.” I grinned as I said it.
My true personality reached the surface a little more each day. Using H only happened a few times over the past two years. No drug was my favorite, and the booze I could take or leave. My guy helped me out with what he could score along the way. He’d never let me down before the night of the overdose.
Shit needed to be hashed out with the band and our support people before Steel could be a band again. With no contact on the outside, I had no idea what had been done already, but hopefully, that would be remedied with these visitors.