When I finally couldn’t deal with my own morbid thoughts rattling around in my head anymore, I found myself back at the Alcazar, stumbling around like a crazy person. It was after seven, so I knew Jamie would be upstairs. I took the elevator to Dr. Key’s floor and banged on his door.

He answered a moment later in nothing but a pair of plaid pajama pants and fuzzy purple slippers, running a hand through his crazy brown hair. He squinted at me, his eyes bleary as if he’d just been sleeping.

“Kage. I was beginning to wonder if you were ever going to come see me.”

“Is this a bad time?” I asked. “I can come back some other time if it is. I just—”

“Not at all. You’re paying me to be at your beck and call, remember? I’ve been feeling a little guilty taking your money for nothing.” He cocked his head at me and took in my state. “Besides, you look like you need to talk to someone. Please come in and make yourself at home.”

The place looked like it could use a visit from housekeeping, with food cartons and papers scattered everywhere, but I didn’t care. It was better than being cooped up and claustrophobic in my Corvette with no one to talk to but myself.

Dr. Key went to the kitchenette without a word and came back with two bottles of Japanese beer. He popped the top on one and handed it to me, then opened his own and sat down on the sofa, tossing the cap into the cluttered mess on the coffee table.

“It’s great to see you again,” he said, patting the seat next to him in invitation. “What have you been up to?”

“Nothing.” I sat down beside him and took a swallow of beer, hating the taste. I almost gagged, then took another swallow. It wasn’t the most distasteful thing I’d experienced that day. If I could let Theo Brown feel up my bruises, I could stomach a little nasty beer.

“Nothing?” Dr. Key repeated skeptically. “Well, I’ve been trying to get some work done, but I’ll admit it’s difficult with the temptations of Vegas beckoning me night and day. I went out to have a drink last night and woke up this morning on the floor just inside the door of my suite with only one shoe on. Not my proudest moment.”

I tried to chuckle, but it was so weak it sounded more like a raspy breath. “Did you ever find your shoe?”

“No, that’s the crazy thing. I have no idea where it could be. I even checked with lost and found here in the hotel, and they said they hadn’t seen it.”

“Maybe you shouldn’t drink.” I knew it came out sounding rude, but I was beyond censoring myself. My mind was still flying a mile a minute trying to figure my own shit out.

Dr. Key held up his beer and looked pointedly at it, laughing. “That was my first thought, but as you can see, I didn’t even last twelve hours. To be honest, I rarely get drunk, but I’ve been holed up in here for a while working. It’s made me a little stir crazy, especially since I haven’t heard from you. It’s a good thing you didn’t need me last night. No telling what kind of advice I might have given.”

I thought about telling him that I had needed him last night. That I needed him at my side twenty-four-seven these days and was just too proud to ask for help. I settled for a partial truth. “A lot of shit has been going on lately, Dr. Key. I feel like I’m drowning sometimes, you know? My life is… Well, it’s spinning out of control. I don’t expect you to be able to help me, but I had to talk to someone because I can’t go home. At least not yet.”

“Why can’t you go home?”

I sighed. “Because Jamie’s there, and I have to tell him something.” I spun my beer bottle in my hand and tried to read Japanese. “I need to break up with him.”

Dr. Key’s eyes widened. “What on earth for? You two seem so good together. Of course, that’s just an outsider observation. I don’t know everything that goes on between you.”

“I love him,” I said. “More than anything in the world.”

Dr. Key waited a moment, and when I didn’t continue, he prompted me for more. “But…”

“But it’s complicated.” I paused and bit my lip. “How much can I tell you about my life, Dr. Key? We haven’t signed any papers or anything, and I’m worried. I don’t lead what you’d call a normal life. There are things about me that would probably make your hair stand on end. Things that could compromise me in a legal way.”

“I’ll sign whatever you want me to sign, Kage. I’m not here to report you to the authorities or sell your secrets to the press. You’re paying me a lot of money to be your confidante, and I take that very seriously. Short of murdering kids or planning to shoot up a McDonald’s, there is nothing you can tell me that will shock me or make me go running to the police or the media. So I’m telling you now if you are killing kids or planning a mass murder spree, you’d better keep that to yourself. Otherwise, we’re good.”

I turned this information over in my mind. “What if I was a drug dealer?”

Dr. Key shrugged. “No problem.”

“What if I was laundering money for the mob or planning to rob the vault at the MGM?”

He shrugged again.

“What if I was an assassin?”

There was a barely noticeable twitch at the corner of one eye. “Is this your way of telling me you’re here to kill me?”

“No!” I said, shocked that he’d even gone there.

“That’s good to know,” he breathed. “Are you killing innocent people?”

I took a swallow of beer and grimaced at the taste. “I didn’t say I was killing anyone. I’m just throwing hypothetical shit out there. But no. As a hypothetical assassin, I am not killing any hypothetical innocent people.”

It occurred to me that I had indeed killed an innocent child, but I had been an innocent child myself at the time, and I wasn’t planning on sharing that information with Dr. Key anyway. I had more pressing matters to deal with. Things that hadn’t happened eighteen years before. This shit was happening right fucking now, and I needed some advice on how to deal with it.

“Well, those are my hard limits,” Dr. Key said. “No killing innocent people, and no killing me. Feel free to throw anything else on the table, and we’ll sort through it together.”

I thought for a minute, hesitant to move forward, but I needed to trust someone. Living with all of this shit in my head was going to drive me fucking insane. But when Dr. Key only sat quietly waiting for me to continue, putting no pressure on me and showing no signs of being overly enthusiastic to get me to confess my secrets, I gave in to the need to unburden myself.

“Okay,” I said finally. “My uncle left me a lot more than a hotel when he died. Apparently, he was involved in a lot of shady business, and now by default, so am I. The thing is, I don’t want to have anything to do with it. I’m an MMA fighter. I just want to do my own thing and enjoy the money I inherited, but there are people who don’t want to let me do that. I’m sort of stuck dealing with these guys who are way more powerful than I am, and they don’t want Jamie involved. Hell, I don’t want Jamie involved in anything that’s going to put him in danger, and we’re talking a lot of danger. Not just from the police, but maybe… mortal danger. I’d love to get him out of harm’s way, work my way out of the mess I’m in, and then live happily ever after with him. I just don’t know how to do that. I hope to have everything straightened out within months, or maybe a year at the most, I don’t know. But what if he doesn’t want me back when it’s all over? I’m so confused right now. Part of me wants to make him hate me so that he’ll disappear off their radars completely, but the larger part of me wants to figure out how to keep him close.”

Dr. Key didn’t say anything immediately. He seemed to be trying to make sense of everything I’d just told him. His forehead wrinkled, and he got a faraway look in his eyes. Finally, he spoke. “Could you explain the situation to him? Maybe the two of you could pretend to separate with the promise that you’ll be together when it’s all over. He could live somewhere else for the time being, and you could possibly even see each other on the sly.”

“But what do I tell him?”

“What you just told me.” He bit his lip, considering his next words. “Is there something about the situation you can’t tell him?”

“Yes. There is a sensitive bit of information that I’m not allowed to tell him.” That same bit of information I wasn’t allowed to tell anyone, even Dr. Key. That I was an unofficial spy for the good old US of A.

“Well, I say leave that part out and explain it to Jamie just like you explained it to me. It seems pretty simple. If he loves you and values his freedom and his safety, he’ll understand and back off. Is there a reason you don’t want to do that?”

“Hell, yeah,” I said, grabbing my beer off the coffee table and taking an angry swig. “I don’t want any of this to be happening. I don’t want to risk him thinking badly of me for joining forces with some really bad people. He’ll try to talk me out of it. He’ll think I’m bad, too, for even considering it. I don’t know how to make him understand why I’m doing it without telling him about the other thing. The thing I’m not allowed to tell him. I have to make it seem like I’m cool with everything.”

Dr. Key settled back against the sofa cushions, took a deep breath, and got lost in thought again. I closed my eyes and felt myself swaying on the seat.

“You can’t secretly tell him the other thing?” Dr. Key finally asked. “Maybe no one would have to know.”

I was already shaking my head before he’d finished the thought. “Absolutely not. It would put him in too much danger and potentially compromise my chance to get out of this mess. These people… They have eyes and ears everywhere. Trust me, I know this from experience. If I told Jamie, there would be a very good chance they’d find out about it, and that’s something they’re not going to put up with. Quite frankly, I don’t blame them. If Jamie slipped up and inadvertently put them in jeopardy—” A fine tremor of fear shot through my body. “Let’s just say that a lot is riding on no one finding out this secret.”

“At the risk of prying, I need to ask you one question because something isn’t adding up for me. I understand that someone has a secret that you can’t share, but the fact that you seem reluctant to tell him you’re going along against your will makes me think—” His eyebrows came together in confusion. “Are you dealing with two people, or maybe two groups of people? It seems like you need to pretend to go along with one while keeping a secret for the other. Am I reading that right?”

I nodded. “Yes. And Jamie can’t know about either of those things. Knowing one gives away the other. And like I said… Eyes and ears everywhere. Probably on both sides. The only reason I feel halfway comfortable talking to you about this right now is I just got a new cell phone, and I’m not in my apartment or my office where there might be bugs or something. This is some pretty serious shit, Dr. Key.”

He ran his index finger back and forth along his bottom lip. “Without specific details to go on, it’s hard for me to form an opinion. But from everything you’ve said and the fact that you seem scared shitless, it seems to me you have two options. You can do like you said and make Jamie hate you, thus ensuring that he’d willingly remove himself from the situation and out of danger. End of story. Or you can explain that you love him very much but there’s something you need to do that necessitates a temporary split. I know you’re afraid he won’t understand your motives, but I think the second option is your only bet if you want a future with him. In that scenario, you’re risking him thinking badly of you, but in the first, you’re guaranteeing it.”

I leaned forward on the sofa, elbows propped on my knees, and buried my face in my hands. Dr. Key was right. Hearing it spelled out so succinctly from a third party who had no skin in the game had really cleared things up for me. The situation was still fifty kinds of fucked up, but at least it made more sense now.

I stood up, resolute for the moment. “Thank you for your advice. It’s really helped me see things more clearly. You’ve really earned your money as well as my gratitude tonight.”

He smiled. “No problem, Kage. That’s what I’m here for. I hope you’ll continue to confide in me. I have a feeling things are going to get tougher in the days to come, and I’d like to help you work through them. I wish you and Jamie only the best.”

I nodded and headed for the door, but something occurred to me as I pulled it open. I looked back over my shoulder. “You know, I really like you, Dr. Key, and I’ve chosen to trust you with some very sensitive information. But I need you to understand one thing. If you even think about fucking me over, be prepared for some dire consequences. I may be desperate and confused right now, but I’m nobody’s bitch. If you become a threat to me, I will have no problem making you pay. Are we clear?”

Dr. Key swallowed hard enough that I heard it from the door. “Crystal.”

I left, pulling the door closed behind me, and headed up to my apartment. I was a little shocked at myself after delivering that threat to Dr. Key. I’d heard shades of my uncle in the cold, unwavering delivery. And of Theo Brown. The worst thing was, I’d meant it with every cell in my body. I had to protect myself, and that wasn’t going to happen if I let people think they could walk all over me. I was a badass motherfucker, and it was time I started acting that way.

When the elevator stopped on my silent floor, I stepped off with newfound resolution. I was about to break up with my boyfriend, but it was for his own good. If he couldn’t wait for me, then so be it. At least he would be safe, and that’s all that really mattered.

I slid my key card through the door and stepped inside. There was no movement in the apartment, and the lights were off, but a cartoon flickered on low volume on the TV. I shook my head. Jamie and his fucking cartoons. I hated that it was so adorable.

As I got closer and prepared to turn the TV off, I stopped in my tracks when I got a good look at the sofa. Jamie was lying there asleep in the semi-dark, face unlined and innocent, long limbs slack. He was completely naked, wearing nothing except for the choker I’d given him. I was seized by a feeling of love so powerful it ached in my chest, followed by a crushing sense of grief at what I knew I had to do.

He was mine, goddammit. He belonged to me, and now I was just going to send him away? I wanted to gouge my fucking eyes out when I thought of the way I had been acting lately. I’d been preoccupied and distant. How many days had I squandered when I should have been proving my love for him? How many nights that I could have worshiped his body? I couldn’t go back and change any of it, and for that, I would be eternally sorry.

I spotted his cell phone on the end table and took a moment to transfer Aaron’s number to my new phone and send him a quick text that said, Kage’s new number. I sent one to Jamie that said, I love you forever, then I placed my phone beside his.

With that out of the way, I sat down on the edge of the sofa next to Jamie and watched the gentle rise and fall of his chest as he breathed in sleep. That he could find peace when it so thoroughly eluded me was comforting. I had not destroyed him yet. I admired him so much. How could he remain innocent and vulnerable and good in a world that was so full of evil? I’d never had the luxury of being good.

Perched precariously on a sliver of sofa, I watched him for a long time, until the aching in my chest became too much and I was suddenly overcome with the need to have him open his expressive brown eyes and discover me there. I needed him to see me and to look at me like I was something other than damaged goods.

I reached out a tentative finger and touched the Claddagh at his throat, then dropped lower to trace a circle around one of his pale nipples. He stirred a little, pulling his knee up to bump against my ass, but it wasn’t enough. I needed him awake. I trailed my finger down the line of his sternum, tickling all the way down to dip into his belly button before following his tantalizing happy. I stopped at the base of his dick, which at the moment lay sleeping on in its bed of dark hair just waiting for my touch.

The fact that Jamie was stark naked was proof that he’d been thinking of me. He had positioned himself here on the sofa like an offering, hoping I’d take him when I came home. Desire flared up in me at the thought. He was mine, and I was going to have him.

I dropped to my knees on the rug beside him and leaned over, lapping ever so gently over the flesh of his soft cock. At first, it remained oblivious to my ministrations, but after a minute it began to firm up, filling out slowly from the purely physical sensations. He stirred again and let out a soft moan—a promise that he would soon be awake. I pressed my tongue to the underside of his balls and dragged up over them, loving the feel of the crinkles and ridges, as I licked my way stealthily back up. He tasted so good. So clean.

He mumbled something in his sleep and turned a fraction toward me, still oblivious but beginning to respond more lucidly. I paused, not wanting to wake him until I’d made him hard. I wanted him to wake up wanting me.

When I couldn’t wait any longer, I opened my mouth and took the entirety of his barely aroused dick all the way into my warm, wet mouth and began to suck gently. That was when he started to show the first significant stirrings of arousal. His erection grew fast inside my mouth, and the harder it got, the more I sucked, until I had to reposition myself to move my mouth up and down his solid length.

At some point, dazed as I was with lust, I realized that Jamie’s fingers had wound into my hair, and he was actively thrusting. His hips pistoned up and down, dragging his cock over my tongue in smooth, long strokes punctuated by ragged breaths.

He let out a throaty moan that vibrated through me like an electric current. “Kage,” he gasped. “I was waiting for you.”

“I know, baby,” I said, pulling off of him with a reluctant slurp. “You were laid out for me like a virgin on the altar.”

He chuckled quietly and ran his fingers through my hair. “I’m hardly a virgin.”

When I smiled up at him, I felt the sadness in my own expression. “You are to me. Every time.” I wrapped my fist around his cock and stroked, slowly and firmly, determined to drag a response out of him.

He didn’t disappoint, pushing up into my grip and shuddering. “Guess I need to work on my naughtiness factor.”

“Wouldn’t matter,” I said. “You’ll always be my sweet college boy, and I’ll always be the monster who can’t wait to get inside of you. To stretch you and wreck you. To turn you out until you can’t see anything but me. I’m selfish that way.”

To illustrate my point, I sucked him into my mouth again and worked my tongue and throat over him until he was panting out my name. He bent his knees and dug his heels into the sofa, legs trembling as he battered the back of my throat with his dick, seeking more contact, more friction, more sensation. Like me, he seemed to need something he couldn’t quite reach.

“You’re going to make me come like this,” he cried. “I don’t want to come like this.”

“You should be so lucky,” I said in a hoarse whisper. Then I squeezed the base of his cock hard and sucked him, using everything I had at my disposal—tongue, lips, throat—for maximum sensory overload. The trembling in his legs increased until they were wavering uncontrollably, and then I stopped. I let his dick slip from my mouth while keeping firm pressure on the base of his dick and looked up at him. “By the time I’m finished with you tonight, you’ll wish I’d let you come the easy way. I plan on using you until you’re begging for mercy.”

When his legs stilled to an intermittent twitch, I released his dick. He went limp, his bent knees falling to either side of him, and he stared up at me with glazed, dark eyes.

He shuddered visibly. “Is that a promise or a threat?”

“Depends on how you feel when I’m done. As hard as I am, and as many things as I want to do to you, I’m betting on threat.”

He caught his plump bottom lip between his teeth and held my gaze as he reached down between his splayed thighs and stroked his dick lightly and deliberately. “Sounds good to me.”

He was so dewy-eyed. So precious. So fucking irresistible to the animal inside me. Would he have been so quick to invite my attention if he’d known what was in store for him? There was a terrible desperation building inside me, driving me to own him before I pushed him away. I had no intention of letting this man go until I’d branded him irrevocably, body and soul.