Chapter 13
Carrie
Is it wrong if you lie to yourself? I know. I’m not stupid. I look into Jacob’s eyes and I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that he is playing me. I don’t know why. I don’t understand. I want to yell and scream at him. I want to slap his face and demand he treat me like I have a few brain cells. I don’t. Instead I remember what Nicole said. I swallow down the need to scream, the need to demand. I remember that I love this man and I want to fight for him, not with him.
So I let him kiss me. It’s not like that’s a big hardship. I want his kiss. I crave his kiss. The fact that I can count the hours from the last time I had his lips? It just makes me want his kiss that much more. So I take his kiss and I let him lie. Does that make me weak? I don’t know. I need to try and reach him and if he pushes me away that can’t happen. So I make a decision. A decision to tread lightly and see where it goes. God I hope I’m doing the right thing and not making it all worse.
As Jacob slowly lets go of me, I hear a noise. I look over my shoulder towards the door figuring Dragon has come back. The door is clicking closed. Maybe it was just a nurse peeking in to check on Jacob?
“Get me a drink of water will you?”
I walk over to the other side of the bed and grab the cup that was sitting there. I angle the straw to his lips and help him get a drink. I’m about to go back to my chair, but as I put the glass down on the table, I feel Jacob’s hand on my hip.
“What?”
“Come here, Princess.”
I shake my head no. I may have made the decision to try, but I need to try and keep a clear head and I cannot do that with Jacob’s lips anywhere near me.
I turn, his hand digs into my hip and he pulls me down to the bed. I reach out to catch myself, bracing awkwardly with one hand on the mattress, the other on his shoulder.
“Jacob, stop you’ll hurt yourself.”
“I know you’re upset with me. You have every right to be, but you’ve got to believe me. Care Bear, I’m tired of running.”
His hand moves under my hair and cups the side of my face.
“I need you, Carrie. I need you.”
I’m hoping my body doesn’t betray the emotions swimming around inside of me. This man will be the death of me. Would he turn his back on me if he knew what secrets I’m holding? Would he push me away, if he knew how much I love him? I think he knows already, I haven’t exactly been playing hard to get with him. The question is what has changed with him?
“I want you lying on the bed beside me,” he says again.
“There’s not much room and you are hurt…”
“You’re so small, there’s plenty of room. I need this. In fact I think it’s essential to my recovery,” he says as his hands move to my sides.
He pulls me further down and I curl into his rock hard thigh, being more careful around this ribs and abdomen. I shouldn’t, but I can’t bring myself to say no. I angle myself and put my head on his shoulder. I feel his lips kiss the top of my head and I close my eyes, soaking this moment in.
“I thought you would order me out of here,” I say honestly.
He doesn’t answer for a minute, but his body is still relaxed against me. I am about to give up hope that he is going to talk to me when his voice whispers out.
“I should for your sake, Carrie…obviously you know by now that I have things I need to work through…”
“There wasn’t another car involved tonight, was there, Jacob?” I ask the question that I already know the answer too. I don’t want to bring it up, but I’m desperate. I need him to at least talk to me. I need to try. If I don’t I think I’ll hate myself.
“Carrie, I…I don’t think I can talk about this yet. Not now. Just let me be here with you for now? I’ll try and work through it all later, okay?”
“We can work through it together, Jacob.”
“I can’t…”
“I mean it, Jacob. You aren’t alone I’m here and I am not going anywhere as long as you want me.”
“Carrie, I want you. I do…but some things a man has to deal with on his own.”
“And some he doesn’t.”
“I…”
“Don’t send me away. Not now, Jacob. Please. Let me in, let me help?”
We lie there on the bed in silence. Me, because I don’t really know what to say. I’m not sure about Jacob. Maybe he is already regretting me being here? Maybe Nicole is wrong? Maybe I should give him an out? I can’t bring myself to do it. I just can’t.
I am however, starting to feel self-conscious. I’m not sure how long I’ve been lying here without talking. I figure at least twenty minutes or longer. I slowly pull myself away from Jacob. He’s been quiet for so long, I figure he’s sleeping.
“Where are you going?” Jacob asks, his hand on my hip tightening to keep me from pulling further away.
“I thought I’d let you sleep.”
“I want you here,” I think I’m lying to myself, but I choose to believe he’s referring to our earlier conversation. If I allow myself time to think about it? I would acknowledge that the tone of his voice, and how he refuses to look directly in my eyes, disagrees completely with what his lips are saying. I choose to ignore it. It’s weak, I know. Sometimes, love makes you weak.
“If you’re sure.”
His fingers are combing through my hair. It’s nice so I settle down against him and close my eyes.
“How come you don’t have a man?” He asks and his fingers continue to sift through my hair. It relaxes me and with my eyes closed, Jacob filling my lungs and his arms around me…I let my guard down and answer honestly.
“I told you the last time we had this conversation Jacob, you’re it for me.”
“It’s been over two years since that discussion, Carrie.”
I kiss his chest, through the hospital gown, to still his words. It’s not like I haven’t heard them before. I’m used to people thinking I’m too young to know my own mind. It seems unreal to me. If I had slept with the entire state of Kentucky people would take me more seriously. I may only be twenty years old. I may have never had sex before. All this is completely true. What isn’t true however, is that I am not adult enough to decide who I want in my life or who I want to take my virginity. Was I stupid to wait around for Jacob to give me a shot? Yes. I can admit that. It is the very definition of stupidity to pine over a man who has spent years pushing you away. That however, doesn’t change the fact that the only person my body responds to, the only person I want it to respond to, is Jacob. I’m not naive. I do not see happy ever after in Jacob’s arms. In fact, I know that I will probably have my heart ripped out and stomped on. I’m still moving forward with Jacob. I want to try and help him. I need to try. Some rides are worth the pain. If I run from this chance, I will regret it my entire life.
“Don’t Jacob, just don’t. Whatever happens, happens,” I answer, fully meaning it.
The rest of my visit with Jacob is spent talking about incidental things, silly things. The conversation is purposely navigated away from anything heavy. Jacob has enough of that on his plate.