Chapter 34
Carrie
I can’t go home. There is nothing there for me anyway. Most of the clothes were given to me, the few items I’ve replaced are unimportant. It is my turn to quit hiding, because in my own small way I have been just as bad as Jacob. I’ve been hiding from the death of my parents. I can’t do that anymore.
I need distance—time and distance. I’ve always heard those fix everything. Incidentally, I’m pretty sure that is a lie.
So I drive to the local Greyhound station, say goodbye to my life in Kentucky and hop a bus back to Tennessee. I visit my parents’ graves. I cry. I replace my wardrobe with their money. I finally accept it is my money now. It can’t be more real than looking at tombstones.
I do all of that, feeling half alive. Before I know it, a couple of weeks have gone by. Jacob knows where I’m at. I know because he’s called. He calls a lot. I usually let the machine answer. I talked to him once. I told him again that we were done. I didn’t let him talk. I was afraid to. As much as I insist that we are done, I have this small hope that somehow Jacob will fight for me—fight for us. He hasn’t. I’m glad—at least that’s what I tell myself.
Jacob’s mom has come by. She doesn’t know I’m pregnant, but apparently Jacob has asked her to check on me and make sure I’m okay. That’s kind of sweet, but I can’t weaken. I’ve had enough.
I’m so tired lately. My doctor assures me that this is normal, but most afternoons it is all I can do hold my eyes open. It’s only one in the afternoon now and I’m lying in bed. I’m almost out when the phone rings. Maybe that explains why I reach over and pick up the receiver, I know who it is. I know and honestly, I want to hear his voice.
“Hello.”
“How are you?” Nicole asks and I ignore the disappointment that falls over me.
“I’m okay,” I lie. “Getting settled in.”
“Stop lying to me,” she responds and I smile. I’ve missed Nicole.
“I miss him.”
“I know, Care,” she says and I figure she does because that one sentence is filled with sadness.
“I was hoping he’d follow me and tell me…”
“I know that too. I’m sorry.”
“How’s he doing?” I ask because I can’t stop myself.
“Avoiding everyone and getting drunk a lot.”
“Does he ask about me at all?” Damn, I wish I was strong enough to not ask that question.
“I don’t think he knows we talk, but he’s not really talking with any of us.”
“How’s the baby?” We ask each other at the same time and Nicole laughs, I can only manage a half way smile.
“I’m starting to show. It’s a small bump, but it’s there. I go next week to find the sex of the baby. How about you?”
“Nothing to show here, but I’m so tired and it’s probably too soon but this morning the smell of bacon made me hurl.
“Ohhh…Bacon…I need some of that.”
“I take it no sickness?” I ask and this time it was a real smile on my face, mostly anyways.
“Hell no! I’m just hungry all the time. I swear by the time I have little Dragon I’m going to weigh five hundred pounds.”
“Well Dragon does love your ass…”
“Yeah well, there will sure be plenty of it for him to love at this rate. Are you taking care of yourself? I’m worried about you being alone right now,” she responds and although her concern makes me feel better, I wish it was coming from Jacob.
“I’m okay. Don’t worry about me.”
“Yeah, that’s not going to happen girl. I better get though I’ll call you again tomorrow. There’s a party here tonight and Dragon’s flipping his shit because Skull and his boys will be here. You should see the outfit he wants me to wear.”
I definitely smile now because Nicole has told me how jealous Dragon is, especially of Skull.
“What is it?”
“Oh my lord woman, it’s like this dress from the eighties that has poufy shoulders and buttons all the way to the wrist and buttons up at the neck! The neck, Carrie!”
I laugh out loud.
“Well some of those dresses can be pretty?” I try to console her, but the response comes out as a question, because I know it will get worse.
I was right.
“Carrie! It comes down to my ankles! MY ANKLES!”
“Well…”
“WOMAN! It has flowers on it! Before you start, it’s not flowers like you wear! We’re talking full-fledged pink and dusty rose flowers that are like bigger than a dinner plate all over the damn thing! My grandmother would have refused to wear this dress.”
“So, I take it you’re not wearing it?”
“Not on your life. I’m wearing the sleaziest outfit I could find and I raided Lip’s closet, so there you go.”
“Dragon will go off the deep end.”
“Probably, but I’ll get sex out of it and get to watch him explode so hey.”
“Love you, Nicole.”
“Right back at you girl, don’t you forget it. We’ll talk soon.”
“Okay,” I stare at the phone in my hand once she hangs up.
I miss her. I miss all of them to be honest. It hurt to hear that Jacob hasn’t been asking about me. I didn’t expect him to, but really it would have been nice. As I put the phone down, my stomach drops. Party? The picture of Jacob with Tash on his lap comes to mind and I want to scream.
I go grab the pint of chocolate ice cream I have in the freezer instead.