Sara Jane Grayson

My mother has been going on about a blanket she wants to bring here to keep me warm. I’ve told her, repeatedly, that I’m fine. A blanket isn’t going to fix anything. A blanket won’t heal the emptiness I feel inside me.

Dad has kept a quiet distance, trying to solve the problem I’ve become. He doesn’t have to say anything. I see his disappointment. I see him struggling between feeling angry about my accident, the sadness of almost losing me, and aggravation of my apparent marriage to Alexander. The latter definitely causing some confusion on my part as well.

I think he’s struggling most from the outrage caused by my getting knocked up by the one person he had begged me not to date. Who knows? I don’t care. My wounds run deeper than my liver or this healing wound that will one day scar my skin.

As my mom pulls the sheet taut over me, I grab one of her hands, stopping her. “I’m okay.”

Tears well in her eyes and her lips quiver. “Okay.” I can hear the sob that threatens to surface, so I turn keep my hand over hers another moment, hoping she can find comfort in the small gesture, even if I can’t.

“We thought we lost you, Sara Jane.” My father finally stops at the end of the bed and grips the metal footboard. “You’re all right and . . . we’re here for you.”

Am I?

Am I all right?

I don’t feel all right. I don’t feel anything due to the medicine. I’m not sure if that’s good or bad. Maybe it would be easier to feel, to feel everything. My baby surely deserves the emotional devastation the meds are keeping at bay. The one thing I know is the avalanche of feelings are going to come crashing down eventually. There’s no way to hold back such tragedy without a true response.

“Sara Jane. We love you.” His voice draws my attention back to him. “You do understand, right?”

“No, I’m sorry. What?”

“What you’ve done.”

“What have I done?”

“They said it’s true. You married him. You married that . . . that . . . that—”

“I married Alexander.” Alexander’s words cut through the earlier mental fog, “I thought they wouldn’t let me in here otherwise.” He’s right. I can see the hate in my father’s eyes, the disgust in his face upon hearing his name. They will keep us apart if they have their way.

Our story may not be pretty, but it’s still ours and I refuse to walk away from Alexander again.

My mom’s hand covers my shoulders, but my dad digs right in when he asks, “Why would you elope? Why would you do that to your mother?”

“You know why,” I reply, trying not to ruin the bond my mother and I just shared, but my defenses fly up. “I’m sorry you don’t agree with my choice, but it was my choice and I will always choose him.” I’m finding it too easy to fall into this lie, a lie that shouldn’t have to be, but fear does that. I understand why Alexander told it to begin with. I’m not fully sure why I’m so easily continuing it without having more answers myself.

Dad asks, “Over us? Your parents?”

“I hope it never comes to that.” We haven’t spoken about my relationship with Alexander in months, but I’ve heard it enough to know what comes next. Dad and I haven’t been as close as we used to be, but that started before Alexander came along. Alexander tried to mend fences for me; he tried, but my dad refused to accept him, driving that wedge deeper into the crack severing our relationship.

He can’t be grateful I’m here and alive. No. He has to place blame and make me feel bad.

“It already has,” he says, his palms passively hitting the bottom of the bed. “Think about what you’re doing, Sara Jane.”

“I have thought about it. That’s all I’ve done for months, and I came back. I came back to be with him, so are you asking me to make a choice? Again? This didn’t go well last time you gave me an ultimatum. The outcome won’t change this time.”

I add, “I’m sorry I’ve let you down again.” The continued rattle of the frame hurts my side, which begins to ache. “I think the medicine is wearing off.” I depress the button and feel heaven swarm my veins. Maybe I’m not ready to feel again. Maybe numb is better than what’s ahead. “I’m going to rest,” I say, using any reason to block them out of my mind. “If you see Alexander, tell him to come back.” I close my eyes and let the morphine disconnect me from this world and take me to another—another where Alexander is mine and not the rest of the worlds. Take me back to the day when dreams were bigger and sadness hadn’t taken over . . .

“Come on. I want to show you something.”

His mischievous eyes sparkle in the moonlight. I shouldn’t trust that roguish smile on his handsome face. I know better, but I’ve always loved it more. He knows how to talk me into anything with a flash of that grin. But I also trust him with my life. Alexander Kingwood IV loves me. With an everlasting, eternal love.

I’ve been called naïve for thinking I met my soul mate at seventeen, but I did. I feel it. I feel him staking claim to every corner of my heart and sifting through my veins in search of new territory to conquer. He doesn’t realize he already owns all of me.

I take his hand, and we hurry to an ATV parked on the back lawn. He gets on and then looks back. “Hop on, baby.”

Pulling up the skirt of my dress, I swing my leg over and settle against his back. I wrap my arms around the solid muscle of his middle. He’s changing. He was always so good-looking. He rivals any celebrity crush, but I see the changes when we’re tangled in each other, making love. I feel them when I touch him, like now.

I kiss his shoulder and lean my cheek against his back.

He asks, “Are you ready?”

“I’m ready.”

“Hold on tight.”

Anchoring my Converses on the little area behind his shoes, I’ll hold on to him as long as I can. He takes off, and my grip tightens. I feel his body shake with laughter. Resting my chin on his upper arm, I peek. It’s so dark back here, but the headlight lights our way.

There’s a lake at the back of the estate. I’ve seen it from a window, but we never go down there. I don’t know why, and sometimes I feel I can’t ask questions. He would allow me to, but bad memories, or even good ones with his mother, tend to shut him down. I hate that too much to push him. I hope we’re going down there though. I’ve always been curious.

We head through a small grouping of trees and into a clearing. The moon reflects across the glassy surface of the lake, and I smile just as we come to a stop. Swinging my leg over, I walk, drawn closer to the water. The engine is cut, and I hear the crickets chirping in the distance. Music starts playing, a song I recognize, one I love, so I close my eyes and smile.

Strong arms slide around me, and I’m pulled against my sweet knight. “Did you bring me down here to romance me?”

“I didn’t need to bring you here for that. I could have done that in my quarters.”

I laugh. He’s not the snobbish type, but I still laugh when he refers to his bedroom as his quarters. “Why did you bring me out here?”

“Because you wanted me to.”

Spinning in his arms, I wrap my arms around his neck. “That easy. I make a wish—”

“And it’s my command.”

“You spoil me.”

“Someone should, so I’ve made it my job.”

Leaning my head against his chest, we start to sway to the love songs, dancing under a sky full of stars. The headlight illuminates our bodies and stretches our shadows across the water.

“Want to go for a swim?” he asks.

“I don’t have a bathing suit.”

“I know.”

My concern must be written across my face as I look toward the manor sitting high on a hill acres away because he adds, “No one can see us down here.” He leads me to the wooden pier. It’s creaky and the wood has grayed and splintered. I wonder if it used to be given more attention.

“Okay.” I take off my sweater and set it down on an Adirondack chair.

He takes off his shoes and socks. I toe off my sneakers and start on the buttons running down the chest of my dress.

His shirt comes off and his jeans quickly follow into a pile on the dock. “A Thousand Years” starts playing and my hopes are caught in my throat. The beauty of this song is so fitting for this time together.

Once his boxers are discarded, I’m kissed quickly, and then he runs to jump into the lake. The splash is loud, the water rippling around him. When he breaks the surface, he says, “C’mon, Firefly.”

Taking my dress off one shoulder at a time, I let it fall and step out before setting it with my sweater. I slip out of my bra and slowly take my panties down. Keeping my eyes on him, the splashing has stopped. The smile that broke the water with him has disappeared. This isn’t just a midnight swim. The hunger in his eyes is easy to spot even on a night lit by the moon and a headlight.

Walking to the edge, my toes hang off the end of the dock, and I ask, “Ready for me?”

“I don’t think I’ll ever be ready for you, baby, so make it fast and get your sexy self in here.”

I dive in. The water’s chilly, but not so much to force me out. With my eyes closed, I swim as far as I can before needing air. I come up and take a lungful of summer air. Before I open my eyes, I’m grabbed. “You’re like a mermaid. I was starting to worry.”

“Don’t worry, my lov—”

Wanton lips cover mine, my words devoured, his breath becoming mine. Our bodies entwine underwater, and he whispers, “Let me make love to you.”

“Here? In the water? Is that even possible?”

That familiar smirk of his is back. “It’s possible, and I want to be inside you so badly.” A hand comes up and pushes the hair off my face. Normally blue-sky eyes now match the midnight hour. The soft notes of “Cherry Wine” blend into the gentle breeze blowing across the lake.

Although we haven’t discussed it much because Alexander wants the form of birth control to be my decision, I went on the pill a few months back. He’s not pressured me to have sex without a condom, but secretly I’ve been wanting to feel him, to feel our bodies connected in that way, our bodies as exposed as our souls. His hands are holding my hips, and I whisper, “We can be together.”

I half expect crashing lips and bodies. That’s not what I get. I get soft kisses in the moonlight and romance. I get seduced from the freedom of being outside, the freedom of being with the person I was born to be with. “Lie back.”

Floating on the surface, he holds me and kisses my wet body. I stare up at the star-dotted sky as his tongue laps my breast and then takes my raised nipple into his mouth. His other hand slides between my legs. Two fingers slip inside me as the pad of his thumb circles my clit. My mouth falls open. My body is sensitive to his touch, to the elements of the world floating around us. Moving me, I’m brought closer, and he kisses me. As it becomes more intense, I break apart, pushing off him and swimming away. “I was close.”

“Why did you stop me then?”

I swim back to him and wrap my legs around his hips and my arms around his neck. “I want to come with you.”

His lids are heavy, lust caught in his gaze. Shifting, he kisses me lightly then leans back when he’s positioned. His legs move underwater, keeping us afloat, but our connection is as solid as the ground that surrounds this lake. When he pushes inside me, my head falls back, my hair floating around my head. His tongue slides up my neck, and he gently nips at my jaw. “I love you, Firefly.”

Spreading my arms wide, I pull them back across the water, and around him again. I look up and take everything in from the light in the distance to how the stars shine, to the dark seas of the moon. When my eyes meet Alexander’s, I say, “I love you so much.”

“Never let me go, baby.” He thrusts and I hold on to him even tighter.

“I won’t ever—”

. . . “Let go.” I remember how glorious he looked wrapped around me. How his beauty was only magnified in that lake, in our love, in me. “Never let me go, baby.” I just wish I knew if he was referring to that night alone or to us forever. I still wonder.

Gasping for air, alarms sound, invading my sweet memories. The purity of our love and memories are tarnished by the hate set in motion by past mistakes. My eyes fly open. “Alexander.”