Alexander

“The doctors don’t know what they’re talking about.” Crawling in next to her on the bed, I lick my lips, tasting her nectar on my tongue while my heart rate settles into its regular steady beat.

She giggles. “You are so bad.”

Rolling on my side to face her, I tap her nose. “But so good for you.”

With a wide smile I put there, she says, “So good for me.”

I watch her—eyes closed, lips parted, her chest rising and falling as she tries to catch her breath.

Satisfied.

Content.

Beautiful.

Her brown hair is splayed around her, lighter streaks falling across her face. I wonder when some of the strands turned gold. When she was gone? Did she enjoy the sun, spend time outdoors, or did the change in scenery cause a change in her?

“I like your hair.”

Her eyelids open revealing the blue I missed so much for those months of her absence. They’re a darker shade than mine. Pools of ocean blue—deep and soulful. Self-conscious, she runs her hand over her head pulling the loose strands back. “Oh gosh, don’t look at me. I’m a mess.”

“A beautiful mess.”

“I should shower.”

She rolls away from me to get out of bed, but I stop her because this is why I fight for her, this is why I must protect her at all costs. I need her healed. “No. Stay. I like you just the way you are.”

The delicate features of her face relax, and she smiles. The tips of her fingers dance over my shoulder. “Do you ever feel like the whole world could come crashing down around us and you wouldn’t notice?”

“Every time we’re together.”

“Me too,” she whispers.

“Does that scare you?”

“No.”

My smile comes just as easily as hers moments earlier. “Sometimes I wonder what my life would be like if my mother had lived.”

Sara Jane readjusts so she’s more comfortable. Her wounds are still healing, and I see when she struggles. Tucking some of her hair behind her ear, I admire her face, her courage, and then her lips when she speaks, “What does your life look like?”

“I’d have her but I wouldn’t have you. So if someone were to ask me . . . if I had to choose—”

Her finger graces my lips, and she stops me before I say more. “You don’t have to choose, so you don’t need to say anything more.”

I silently nod, watching her reaction. Kissing her finger before she takes it away makes her giggle again. Then with a loud exhale, she rolls to her back, and stares up at the ceiling. I ask, “Want to talk about April?”

“I guess.”

Looking my way, I can tell she’s going to dance around what she really wants to say. “She’s very settled considering it’s temporary.”

“What do you mean?”

“I’m assuming she’s not living here forever.”

“I’m not sure what her plans are yet.” That’s a major concern, but I need her close to find out.

“I don’t think she has any.”

“Why the animosity, Sara Jane?” She’s so intuitive. What does she sense?

She hesitates, then says, “She’s not nice to the staff.”

“Nice?”

“She bosses them around like—”

“Like they work here?” I tease, hiding my concern to help stave off her worries.

She doesn’t smile though. “She seems to be taking charge in your absence. Why would she do that? I know that sounds ridiculous, but I don’t boss them around because I’m a guest—”

“This is your home, Sara Jane. The staff is at your disposal.”

“I don’t want them at my disposal.”

“You know what I mean. They are here to do a job.”

“I understand that, but it’s still a luxury to have the help, to go to sleep in a freshly made bed, to not clean a toilet, and to have food to satisfy a craving, but that doesn’t mean we treat them as if they’re beneath us.”

Rolling over, I kiss her. “There’s only one person I want beneath me.” I kiss her again.

Pressure from her hands against my chest mounts. “I’m serious, Alexander.”

“What are you suggesting?”

“How long is she staying?”

I only need a little more time. “I promised her a place to stay after rehab. She has no financial credit and no work references, thanks to my father. She couldn’t get a one-bedroom apartment. She tried.” She’s my mother. Can she be just as evil as my father? There’s no way. I have to get to the bottom of this connection. I wouldn’t be surprised if it led me back to my father who paid them, a transaction already set up before his death. Fuck. She gave me life. Do I owe her the benefit of the doubt? “I also don’t want her relapsing. She’s done good getting through rehab, but she needs support and to know she matters to someone.”

She turns away, irritated. “That means she could be here indefinitely. Do you actually know if she looked?”

Pushing away, surprised by this line of questioning, I sit up. “What are you getting at?”

“She doesn’t like me, Alexander.”

“Why wouldn’t she like you? What happened?”

Slowly, she pulls herself up and leans against the headboard. “It’s true. She’s made her feelings more than clear.”

“She raves about you to me. She talked about the connection she felt with you before you left. It hurt her.”

“It hurt her? You can’t be serious.”

“I am.” I get up, wanting some fresh night air in the stale room, my mind conflicted between what I saw on that monitor and what I want to believe. “She felt you didn’t approve of her, so you left.”

“So basically she made up some elaborate fable in her head that I had somehow done this to her, specifically. Wow. My mind is blown.”

I open the balcony doors and sit on the couch. “I’ve tried to reassure her. I don’t know. She really liked you. She was sad you were gone.”

“So sad that she moved in, and when you’re around she talks to me one way, and when you’re gone she treats me differently.”

“What are you talking about?”

She’s about to explode, but she seems to calm herself down with a few deep breaths. When she reopens her eyes, she says, “I can help April find a place to live that will be safe and affordable.”

“Okay. I’m sure she’d appreciate the help.”

I wouldn’t go as far as to say it’s a smile on her face, but it’s not a frown either, so I’ll take it. Picking up my T-shirt from the floor, she pulls it over her head, and goes into the bathroom. “You know that’s dirty, right?” I say loud enough for her to hear in the other room.

“I do,” she replies, making me smile.

When she reappears, she leans against the doorframe. “Since you insist on leaving at all hours though I want you here, I’ll have to settle for your T-shirt, I guess.”

“I’m sorry.”

Her hands fly into the air. “Nope. We’ve done this dance, Alexander. I’ve never asked you to stop, because I know you won’t. So I’m trying to give you the space you apparently need. I’m tired of fighting you on this.” Holding the shirt up to her nose, she inhales. “I like the way you smell. I wish it was you in the flesh, but this will have to keep me company when you’re not around.”

She’s a goddamn goddess. “C’mere.”

Coming to me without hesitation, my insides coil, and my underwear tightens. Such a good girl. She makes me hard when she’s strong. She makes me harder when she submits to me.

Her hips sway as she comes my way, the cotton hem of my T-shirt dragging against the middle of her thighs. She’s a present I want to unwrap layer by layer, savoring the anticipation of what’s inside. Sitting on my lap, she quenches my thirst before my throat goes dry and satisfies my cravings before they strike. Running my hands over her back, I say, “I will never need anyone else as long as I have you.”

She tenses when my hand comes around, fingers spread wide over her abdomen.

“Our baby would have been handsome, just like you.”

“The baby. I’m sorry for losing our baby.”

Those two lines now unavoidable as they replay in my mind. “You came back because you were pregnant.”

“You were my home, Alexander. I was already coming back to you before I found out I was pregnant.”

“Did Jason know?”

This time, I like that she remains at ease in my arms, proving him wrong. She does trust me. “He knew.”

“Why?”

“Because he sold me the pregnancy test.” Her gaze disappears into the night sky outside. “I was embarrassed, but he made it okay. He made me feel okay when nothing felt right.”

Looking at her expression, I can see his affection for her is one-sided. As she said, he was a friend to her, and I should feel thankful she had that. Even though I’m a jealous fool, I know he’ll watch out for her, protect her while Cruise and I uncover the truth or lies between O’Hare and Johnson and my mother. I know he’ll make sure she’s safe if I can’t. “Why didn’t you come back with me? Just leave that motel behind and get on the back of the bike and hold on.”

“It’s hard to dream big when you’re stuck in a small space.”

“That motel room was small.”

She looks me in the eyes, her hand brushing against the back of my neck. “I wasn’t talking about the motel.”

“What are you talking about?” I find myself whispering, somehow afraid of her answer.

“Your world is so wide open and big for you. But for me, it can be confining sometimes.”

Is that why she left me? “You have to find your place. Our love gives you the right. What do you want to do in life?”

“Live outside your spotlight.” I try not to cringe by how direct she is, but I know my girl. I know this is how she has felt for some time.

“You’re so sure of what you don’t want, but what do you want, Sara Jane?”

She tugs at a loose thread at the bottom of the shirt, but stops when I ask the question. Beneath lashes that curve to the moon, she says, “I want to finish school. I want to be with you—married, and have kids. Lots of kids. I want to live a happy life.”

“Even though I’m so fucked up?”

“You’re not fucked up. You’re still lost, looking for answers that will one day bring you home.”

“Home,” I repeat, the word becoming a goal, but repeated in my head like a mantra. Checking the time, I move her up and stand behind her. “Let’s get you back to bed.”

“I like it right here.”

Her smile evokes mine. “Me too.” I kiss her shoulder, and we look at the stars shining like dusts of hope scattered above.

It feels good to feel content—quiet—something I haven’t felt in years. The urge to run off on a wild hunt for answers doesn’t spike like it normally does at this hour. When our eyes meet, there are no lies between us. Not anymore. Maybe we’d be better off if we did lie, letting the other believe that no damage has been done.

We can’t though. Sara Jane and I are built the same that way. We’d rather be mad and know the truth than find bliss in the lies. She reaches for me, and I move closer, letting her pull me until my head is buried in the crook of her neck.

She kisses my cheek and I kiss her on the lips. I take her back to bed and climb in next to her, her smile worth taking the night off for.

I should do this more often, preferring the peace with her to anything I’d find outside this bed. Should.