Chapter Fourteen

Maddie

I snuck out of bed early to surprise Isaac with breakfast. I stood in the kitchen, staring at the ingredients in the fridge, wondering what he would like. I didn’t know him at all, or myself, and that feeling was so strong hovering over me that even in moments where I was truly happy, a dark cloud still lingered over my heart.

My eyes closed, and I tried with everything I had to remember my life with Isaac. Flashes of the photographs blew through my mind, but I couldn’t make a connection, one of my own. Tears began to flow down my cheeks as I strained for my memories to return when suddenly hands rested on my shoulders. “What’s wrong?” Isaac asked.

I turned, embarrassed that I was having another meltdown, and feeling guilty that I’d put him through so much. “I wanted to make you breakfast, but I don’t know what you like,” I sobbed, falling into his strong arms.

His chest lifted and fell, his laughter growing loud and uncontrollable. I didn’t see what was so funny. “You never made me breakfast, so how would you know?” he said softly.

His hand brushed my hair stuck to my cheek with tears, and I pulled away so I could look into his green eyes. “We’ve made some amazing new memories; why dwell on the past ones that brought us together,” he smiled.

Maybe he was right, but he still had all those memories. I had none.

“Let me take you out to breakfast,” he suggested, leaning in to kiss me on the forehead.

I nodded, unable to argue, unwilling to stay in this gloomy mood. Maybe getting out for a while would do me good.

After quickly dressing, Isaac held the door open for me to exit the house. He was so kind, so sweet, and so patient that my heart melted from his warm smile. He helped me into his Escalade and walked around to his side. Once he got inside, my mind began whirling into a storm of thoughts about how he was killing the planet with his giant vehicle. “So, what do you get in this? Eleven miles to the gallon?” I snipped. My tone startled me, unclear where exactly it came from.

Isaac laughed, “Fifteen.”

My blood was boiling as we pulled out of the driveway and onto the road. Why would anyone need such a large vehicle, especially someone without kids? Kids? My heart started to ache at the thought. Were we planning on having children? I suddenly wanted them, but maybe I didn’t before.

“Did I want children?” I blurted out.

“Yes, you wanted three: two boys and a girl,” he responded, his eyes narrowing on mine as he spoke. “Where is all this coming from?” he asked.

“I don’t know. I just have all these feelings suddenly,” I admitted.

“Feelings?” he questioned.

I didn’t know how to explain it, but it was a surge of random emotions that seemed to be triggered by very small details surrounding me. “Like memories?” he asked.

I shrugged. Maybe. I couldn’t really say they were memories because they weren’t, but they were feelings that were connecting me to who I truly was, who I once was. “Just feelings,” I sighed, pushing back into the leather seat.

I had to admit, the cool morning air was chillier than I liked, so the heated seats on his gas guzzler were comforting. “I used to love the cold,” I blurted out.

Isaac pulled into the parking lot of a small café. He turned off the truck and turned to me. “Yes, you always loved the cold,” he agreed.

“And the snow. I loved the snow,” I gasped. “I wouldn’t move to Florida; I’d never see the snow again,” I verbalized my epiphany.

My eyes were glued to Isaac, waiting on his response. I couldn’t explain the sensation I was having, but it was strong and clear. I knew I loved winter months, and Miami was summer all year long; that wasn’t what I wanted. So, why am I here?

“I didn’t know you felt that way,” Isaac replied.

How could my fiancé not know I felt that way, would I have told him? “I never told you I didn’t want to live in Florida?” I questioned. He shook his head, his eyes filled with a strange fear. “And I agreed to come here to live?” I probed.

“This wasn’t going to be permanent. We talked about moving to New York,” he said quickly, somewhat easing my worries. Maybe I didn’t tell him I wouldn’t live in Florida, just that I wouldn’t do it forever.

He got out of the truck and walked over to my side. He opened the door, took my hand, and helped me to my feet. His body pressed into mine, warm, hard, and comforting. I felt foolish for being so cynical all the time and always looking for holes in his story, or doubts about our relationship. “You hungry?” he whispered, his warm breath pushing against my neck.

“I am,” I smiled, and let him lead me into the small café.

I didn’t take any time with the menu, quickly ordering an egg white omelet loaded with veggies, wheat toast, and a small orange juice. Isaac looked impressed at my quick decision. I cringed as he ordered a large bowl of biscuits and gravy, stack of pancakes, and a side order of bacon. “You have to start eating healthier,” I insisted.

“There’s the old Maddie coming back,” he laughed.

It felt good to have these feelings. They were a great sign that my memories would soon return. It was a couple weeks until Christmas, and then I’d get to take my trip to Portland. I knew in my heart that the trip would bring me back from this blank mindset I’d been in for so long. It was the key to getting myself back.

“Did you book the flight yet?” I asked while my mind was on the topic.

“No,” he replied and gave me an apologetic look.

“When do you plan to do that?” I pushed, knowing if I didn’t stay on him, he’d never do it. Why didn’t he want to go to Portland? What was there that was scaring him so badly? Was it the man in my nightmare? Was he hiding the fact something horrible happened to me out of fear I couldn’t take it. I could take it. I am a big girl, and obviously I lived through whatever the horrible event was, so why hide it now?

The waitress brought our drinks and then disappeared back into the kitchen. My eyes were still glued to Isaac’s, waiting on the answer. “I’ll book them this afternoon,” he promised.

My lips stretched into a wide smile, grateful that he planned on keeping his word, and anxious about the upcoming trip. “I think this is all I need,” I blurted out eagerly.

He smiled, but his eyes shifted. Yes, there was something he didn’t want to face in Portland.

I asked about a couple of his cases, and he gave me vague details. One I found extremely interesting was the one where he was trying to catch a woman’s violent ex stalking her. “Aren’t you stalking her in order to track him?” I teased.

“Essentially, yes,” he laughed.

It was nice just to talk about normal things, things that normal people talk about. “Does Beth go on late night stakeouts with you?” I asked, suddenly experiencing a twinge of jealousy. Isaac smiled, his cheeks turning a light shade of red. “She has,” he admitted.

I didn’t like the feeling I was having. My gut twisted, and my eyes began to twitch. “There’s never been anything between us,” he quickly assured me.

My cheeks started to heat up as I realized how my jealousy must’ve been so visible to him. Am I a jealous person?

“I’m sorry,” I whispered as the waitress brought our meals. Isaac laughed and told me not to worry about it as he gripped the syrup container and began spilling it all over the cakes. Wow, he is not a healthy eater. “I’m going to have to break you of this eating style,” I teased.

“You’ve been trying for years,” he chuckled.

A flash opened in my mind, something new, not what I was shown in the pictures. Isaac was tall, blond, and wore a football jersey while I strolled beside him. The ground beneath our feet was dirt, and noise was everywhere, screaming, laughter, music, and loud bells. I closed my eyes to get a better view of this new image in my mind. A fair: we were at the fair. I couldn’t have been more than sixteen, and Isaac eighteen. “Your heart’s gonna clog with that,” I said with a snarky tone. Isaac laughed, turning his head towards me as he bit into the corn dog in his hand. “I have,” I sighed, opening my eyes to Isaac across the booth.

“You have what?” he asked confused.

I shared with him the memory I’d just had, and he quickly confirmed it was true. “That’s the summer before I took off to college,” he sighed.

A warm, comforting feeling fell over me as he talked about that day. Most of what he said was still lost on me, but some, some of it I could actually remember. “This is amazing,” I exclaimed.

“Yes, it is. See, the doctor told you it would start happening,” he smiled.

“Tell me more about our past together,” I pleaded.

Isaac shook his head. “I can’t interfere with your natural memories,” he insisted.

“This isn’t like telling me I like to mop the floor twice a day, or that I love baking apple pies so you can have a clean kitchen and a belly full,” I joked. My eyes pleaded with him, but he still said nothing.

I sighed. “These are real memories, and knowing more from you may help me to remember on my own,” I added.

Isaac was hesitant but finally gave in. He started back when we were super young, and my family moved in next door. “We used to use flashlights to signal each other at night,” he chuckled at the memory.

“What kind of signals?” I asked, eager to learn more about how close we’d been all these years.

“One flash was to say goodnight, two was to say meet me in the backyard, and three was to warn of a parent coming,” he explained.

I watched his eyes dance as he spoke. It was obvious those memories were very close to his heart. I felt a tug on my heart strings as he talked, simply from looking at the excitement in his eyes.

The waitress dropped our bill off at the table, and Isaac quickly took it. “I need to start working again,” I insisted.

“Not until you’re ready,” Isaac stated firmly.

“I’m ready,” I said, anxious to get out of the house all day. He chuckled and winked in my direction as he slid out of the booth. “Let’s get through the holidays, and then we’ll talk,” he smirked.

All these feelings were making me anxious; I didn’t know if I could wait until after the holidays. I wanted to go now, today.

“I promise, I’ll book the flight today,” he assured me.