“Ugh, why is it so hot?” I lowered myself into the sturdy wicker patio chair with a groan.

My mother chuckled softly and handed me a tall glass of lemonade.

“Imagine if you were this far along in August! That was me with your sister. I thought I was going to die. I don’t think I spent more than five minutes a day clothed that whole month.” Her eyes glittered with mirth at the memory, but there was a touch of sadness to them.

“You were my age when you got pregnant with her, right?”

“Oh, yes,” she sighed. “Your dad and I had only been dating for a couple of months when I found out. I couldn’t even picture myself as a mother at that point. I was a lot like Jenna, you know. Like both of you, I suppose. I always had a plan. My life plan was broken down into yearly, monthly, weekly, and daily parts.”

She gazed out at the fountain, the centerpiece of her garden, but she was seeing something else.

“Did you ever get your plan back on track?” I asked hesitantly.

She shot me an amused look. “Never. Once you bring another person into the world, you have to rewrite your plan from scratch. I intended to graduate at the age of twenty-five, then spend a year in Paris, and another in Milan. I really wanted to be at the heart of the fashion world, to swim in it until I understood every stitch and seam intuitively. Then, I would come back to the States, move to New York, and not stop working until I had my first show at Fashion Week.”

“You sound like a whole other person when you talk about fashion,” I said musingly. “You must have been really passionate about it.”

“Oh, honey, I was. Immensely. I gave myself a two-year buffer to succeed at my Fashion Week goal. Whenever I met that goal, I was going to come back here and open a business.

“I had a whole line in mind for my big debut. I think I still have the sketches around here somewhere. The styles are hopelessly out of date now, of course, but back then, they were cutting edge. Huge shoulders, big pockets, lots of interesting patterns and shapes…” She trailed off into a sigh. “But your sister came along, and then you almost immediately after, and there simply wasn’t any room in my life for those things.”

A lump rose in my throat and I had to fight back tears. I sipped my lemonade until my flaring hormones subsided and allowed me to wrestle my emotions under control.

“Why didn’t you ever go back to it?” I asked. “Once we were in school, I mean.”

She shrugged. “The economy started slipping. Your dad was having trouble making ends meet, so I had to take whatever job I could get. He got a promotion, I got a better job, and we were finally able to buy this house. Then, he got another promotion, and he was finally making enough to support us all on his own. We started talking about me going back to school to finish my degree.”

She chewed her lip for a moment, looking somehow younger, as if her past self was reflected in her face.

“Was that when…?”

She nodded, smiling at me though she was holding back tears.

“It got to be too much for him. He didn’t talk about things, you know. I didn’t find out until after that he had this passion built up inside of him, these plans and dreams. He wanted to travel the world, too—to design buildings in Tokyo and Rome instead of from his cubicle here. We could have worked something out together, if he had just told me…”

She trailed off, swallowing hard against the tears. A few escaped anyway, leaving silver trails in her makeup.

“Here’s to proud men who screw it up for all of us,” I said, holding my glass out.

She laughed and clinked her glass to mine, then took a drink.

“To proud men,” she agreed. “They’re kind of like kids. If you don’t take the time to listen to them when they want to tell you an hour-long story about the scribble they drew, they aren’t going to want to tell you about the cool things they did in school, or the problems they’re having with their friends, or that girl that they have a crush on, or that one time they smoked pot and freaked out. You have to lay the foundation of trust, no matter how stupid or infantile the thing seems.”

“Is this a lesson on dating or motherhood?” I asked playfully.

“Both,” she said with a grin.

My belly seemed to roll in on itself, sticking out even farther until it bumped the table in front of me. My tank top rolled up to settle under my breasts, and I readjusted on the chair. Mom was eying my belly cautiously.

“Was that the twins moving?”

“I don’t think so,” I said, still trying to find a comfortable position. “I’m not sure what that was.”

“Hm.” She pulled out her phone and checked the date. “May first. You still have a couple of weeks left, don’t you?”

“Technically, yes, but Dr. Snow said that they would probably come before the due date. I guess it’s a twin thing?”

“Hm, I see. Well, it’s a good thing we have the nursery set up.”

“Why? I’m not in labor.”

As soon as I said that, my stomach did the thing again. Only, this time, it knocked the breath out of me.

“Jeez, what is that?”

“An envy-worthy contraction,” she said with a laugh. “Six minutes. We have some time yet. How do you feel?”

“Like I need to take a walk,” I said as panic flickered through my brain.

“That’s a really good idea. I’ll walk with you. Ooh! I can show you my new azaleas!”

“I would really rather skip the botany lesson right now.” There was more of a snap to my words than I had intended, and I bit my lip.

Mom raised an eyebrow, but helped me out of the chair. As soon as I stood, another contraction hit. It crushed my spine like a steamroller, dropping me to my knees.

“Oh, wow, okay, maybe we skip the walk and go straight to the hospital,” she said, kneeling beside me to rub my back. “That was…well, it was four minutes. They say not to go until you’ve had ten of them, three minutes apart.”

“Yeah, let’s wait till then,” I said rapidly. “As soon as I get there, they’re going to strap me into monitors and make me lie down, and I really don’t think I can lie down right now. I really, really want to move.”

“All right, come on.” She braced herself and helped me lift my considerable weight off the ground. “Take my arm; we’ll walk. No botany, I promise.”

We walked—toddled, really—up the garden path, and she dialed a number on her phone.

“Jenna? Your sister’s about ready to pop. We’re walking around the garden now, but these contractions are the real thing. As soon as they pick up a little speed, we’ll head to the hospital. Can you come now? Yeah? Great, see you soon.”

I could feel them coming, now. A tiny, subtle spike of adrenaline hit the base of my neck a few seconds before my belly began to roll, letting me brace for the impact. I made it through my next contraction without breaking my stride, and the one after that. After several minutes, Mom frowned at me.

“Maybe I should call your sister back,” she said thoughtfully. “It’s been ten minutes since your last contraction.”

“I’ve had two since then,” I told her as the adrenaline hit. “And I’m about to have another one…now.” I breathed, letting my body tell me what to do. My mother looked at me slack-jawed and bug-eyed.

“How are you doing that? Don’t they hurt?”

“No,” I said honestly. “If I tense up at all, they do. I can tell they’ll hurt if I start to panic. I’m sure if they get any stronger they’re going to hurt. But right now, it’s just like doing slow crunches.”

She shook her head as we rounded the back of the yard and shot me a playful look. “Ugh, you disgust me. I was screaming by the end of my first real contraction, and I didn’t stop screaming until Jenna flew out of me. I was a little better with you, but not much.”

“Hence the tube-tying,” I said breathlessly as another contraction began.

“Yes, hence the…are you contracting again?”

I nodded, unable to speak.

“All right, you have to say something when they start; I’m trying to time you.”

“Does it really matter?” I asked impatiently.

“Yes, it matters,” she snapped. “You are not having these babies in my garden like some kind of feral cat, Shelley.”

I wanted to shout at her, but my voice was stolen by the invisible band tightening around my diaphragm.

“Contraction,” I croaked.

“Three minutes, to the second. Nine to go, then we get in the car.”

Every time she talked about going to the hospital, I started to sweat. I didn’t have nearly the same aversion to doctors that Jenna had, but the thought of doing something so dramatically personal in front of a room full of people was giving me something close to stage fright. Worse than stage fright. It was like being in a quiz show on national TV naked. I wasn’t ready for this, not by a long shot.

Which was why, when my water broke during contraction number six, I didn’t say anything. I wanted those last nine minutes of freedom, and I knew Mom would cut my time short if she knew. A pinkish-silvery trail followed me down the path, and I imagined that I was a snail. It’s not a belly; it’s my beautiful shell.

“I think maybe I’m losing my mind,” I told Mom.

“Why do you say that?” she asked sharply. “Do you know your name? Your address?”

“What? Yes, of course. My mind is just going to weird places, that’s all. The way it does when I get into a painting trance.”

“Yep, time to go. Come on, honey, let’s grab your bag and get to the car.”

“What about Jenna?”

“She’ll figure it out; she knows what hospital we’re going to.”

“Okay, okay, don’t rush—” A contraction cut me off, powerful enough to send me to my knees again.

“Damn it, I knew I should have made you leave sooner. Jenna was a quick labor, too. Can you stand?”

I shook my head.

“All right, breathe, it’s going to be okay. Let me know when it passes.”

I caught my breath in a rush, and stood as quickly as I could without using my abs.

“Okay, let’s go.”

“Did the contractions stop?” Jenna was here, yelling from the back door.

“Nope! They’re picking up speed. Help me get her to the car.”

“God, why are you guys still here? Jeez, Shelley, you look like you’re about to ascend to another plane of existence or something. Why did you let her wait so long, Mother?”

“Don’t ‘Mother’ me. She’s way bigger than me and she has pregnant lady super strength—you think I was going to fight her? I tried to talk her into going, but she was feeling restless.”

“Of course she’s feeling restless; she’s got two people trying to crawl out of her! All right Shelley, back seat. Shelley? Earth to Shelley.”

“I’m in the back seat. What do you want?” I grumbled absently.

“Reassurance that you’re still with us,” Jenna said briskly. “Now, we…oh for heaven’s sake, where did Mom go?”

“I’ve got the bags! We can go now.”

“Is there anything in there that she’s going to need before the babies are born?”

“What? I don’t think so. Why, does she need something now? What do you need, honey?”

I closed my eyes and lay my head down on the cool seat. Curling up like this felt exactly right. I could almost sleep through the contractions in this position.

“A doctor, Mother—she needs a doctor. Buckle up.”

Jenna took off like a bat out of hell, pressing me hard into the back of the seat. The pressure was answered by my abdomen.

By the time we got to the hospital, the pressure had become rolling waves of pain. Mom had stopped calling out the minutes between, because there weren’t any. The second one contraction subsided, another one began. I’m not sure how I made it into the hospital room, but before I knew it, Dr. Snow was lifting my legs into stirrups.

“When did the contractions begin?” she asked.

I had no concept of time at that point, and was endlessly grateful that my mother was there.

“About an hour and a half ago,” Mom said.

“Shelley? Were there any contractions before that?” Dr. Snow asked.

I shook my head wordlessly.

“Good grief, you’re going to be a quick one, aren’t you? Well, just do me a favor and try to maintain control; we don’t want a traffic jam up in there. Speaking of which…”

She lay the bed flat—which was incredibly uncomfortable—and poked around my belly. It felt as if she were probing clear back to my spine, and a strangled scream burst from my throat as another contraction hit.

“All right, looks like they’re lined up and ready to go. As long as nobody gets a cord wrapped around anybody else, we’re looking good for a vaginal delivery. Yay! Trust me, it’s better that way. Your lady parts bounce back a lot faster than cutting your tummy open. Besides, I already did a C-section today. Too much of the same dulls your edge, you know?”

“Do you always talk this much?” my mother asked exasperatedly.

That made me laugh in spite of my pain, which triggered another contraction.

“I tend to ramble when I get excited—forgive me. I’ll let you do what you need to do, dear. As long as you keep those monitors on, you can get up and walk around or dance or squat or whatever you feel you need to do. Just stay close to the call button, don’t go anywhere alone, and keep those monitors on! I’ll be back to check on you in half an hour.”

I had never been more relieved to hear anything in my entire life. My greatest fear had been to be strapped to the table, unable to move around while these babies tried to squeeze through. Awkward with my constantly changing center of gravity, I fumbled my way out of bed.

“Music,” I gasped at Jenna.

“Your usual?”

“Dance. Latin pop.”

She nodded and opened the music app on her phone.

Moments later, music filled the room, and my body locked on to the rhythm as if it had been waiting for guidance. A primal dance moved through me, separate from my consciousness, connected to the music and the needs of my labor. I felt the larger twin settle low between my hips, and I rocked around the pressure, coaxing the baby into position.

I spent the next three hours like that. Dancing, then back on the bed so Dr. Snow could check my progress. Back onto the floor to work out the kinks. Up on the bed. Back to the floor. Then, at the end of the third hour, a hundred things happened at once.

Jenna smashed the call button. The monitor began to beep frantically. Nurses flooded the room, followed by Dr. Snow, who had a sandwich in one hand. I was herded onto the bed by people who were all talking at once, and I couldn’t tell which instructions were directed at me. I found myself lying on my side, holding my knees to my chest; then, I heard nothing but white noise and the sounds of my own guttural screams.

“First baby is a boy! Oh, patience second baby, let me get your brother out of the way…all right, I guess we’re just not going to let Dr. Snow snip anything yet, are we? There you go, good job. One more big push for me, Shelley, whenever you’re ready. Good girl! And, another good girl! Baby number two has arrived.

“Now, if you’ll just…okay, I guess we’re just doing everything at once, aren’t we? Better than waiting around, I suppose. There’s one…and two! All right, did we miss anything? No? Everything intact? Yes? Excellent.”

Empty. I felt as if my ribcage and my hips belonged to two different people, separated by an eternal void. I detached from reality entirely, floating through the room. I could feel the turn of the earth and taste the vibrations of sound. The world was unrecognizable, and I was the universe.

Then, I was on my back, and a nurse was pressing her fists into my belly. I heard her voice as an ethereal echo, but couldn’t interpret the words. They were just noises, senseless noises floating through the void. Another nurse joined her, and then there were four fists on my belly. Snow was doing something between my legs. It felt sharp, but it was over quickly.

The pain of the nurses’ fists finally grew intense enough to cut through my haze. I snapped back into the moment just in time to feel a contraction begin.

“There we go,” a nurse sighed as she shook out her hands. “Thought we were going to lose you for a second there, dear. I’ve never seen blood pressure drop so fast.”

I blinked, then ground my teeth as I contracted again. Now that I didn’t have the babies inside to press against, the contractions felt like hell.

“Why is this still happening?” I asked tearfully.

“Your uterus needs to shrink and cut off the blood flow. Without the placentas, you’re just bleeding. There’s one surefire way to…here we are.” The nurse took one of the babies from a different nurse and placed him on my chest.

“Your son,” she said warmly. “The sooner you breastfeed, the better. Speeds up the healing process.”

“And…your daughter,” Dr. Snow said as she placed the other baby on the other side of my chest. “Two for the price of one very intense labor.”

Stunned, I gazed down at the babies in my arms. They were absolutely beautiful—tiny and soft and perfect. I guided them to my breasts, hoping they would know what to do. I certainly didn’t.

My son did; he opened his tiny mouth and rooted around with his little button nose until he found what he wanted. The strength of his pull startled me. It was so different from anything I’d ever experienced that I didn’t quite know how to react.

My daughter wasn’t quite so active. She moved her mouth and head, but she seemed to be so tired. I could relate. A woman in purple scrubs came into the room a few moments later to help my little girl get started. She introduced herself, but I couldn’t pay attention. I was completely absorbed in my babies, head over heels in love.

“What are you going to name them?” Jenna asked as she petted my son’s fuzzy head.

Her touch caught his attention and his eyes opened for the first time. I gasped as tears welled up, choking me. The sound startled my daughter, who opened her eyes to look at me. It was a double heartbreak; they both had Miles’ eyes. I swallowed hard, but it didn’t stop the tears from flowing.

“He should have been here,” I said sadly as I gazed down at her. “You deserved to have him here.”

Jenna rubbed my shoulder, then sat down beside my mother. I kissed each baby in turn, careful not to break their latch. My tears splashed down onto their beautiful faces, which only made me cry harder.

“Don’t worry, my loves,” I whispered fiercely. “I’ll love you more than two parents ever could. I’ll love you so much you’ll never even miss his presence. From this moment on, everything I do is for you. You’re my whole world.”

My heart shattered, only to melt back together when I moved my son to my shoulder and he nuzzled my neck. It shattered again when I looked into my baby girl’s eyes, then melted once more when she curled up between my breasts and fell asleep.

In that moment, I knew that this was the shape of my life, now. From now until my heart forgot him, I would spend my life shattering and melting in undulating waves, like contractions in my broken soul.