Raph respects my wishes and keeps his distance, although the stupid part of me wishes that I had never asked him to stay away, which is utterly pathetic, given that he was clear when he told me that he didn’t want me.

It’s not like the thing between us, whatever it was, lasted for very long. It was only a couple of months, for god’s sake. But it feels like I can’t even remember a time when Raph wasn’t part of my daily routine—whether it was hating him or … otherwise. It feels like my life hadn’t really started before him and now going back to that time when Raph wasn’t a part of my daily life, feels like I’m trying to be someone that I no longer am. I’ve experienced too much loss in my life not to recognize the familiar feeling.

I keep myself distracted with classes, homework, painting, hanging out with Dani and when Raph isn’t around, with Baron, Lance and Keller, too.

But at night, I can’t deny that I miss his warmth. It’s weird that you don’t realize how alone you are, until you know what it’s like to miss someone. At the same time, the realization makes me hate myself for missing someone who clearly wants nothing to do with me.

I’m sitting in elements class like a zombie, Dani and Keller sitting next to me, trying to pay attention to what Professor Roman is saying. My gaze travels to Raph on the front row with Baron and Lance next to him. Layla is sitting in her usual spot beside him and my stomach feels the usual burn.

“Layla, you’re up.”

Almost immediately, she stands and saunters towards the middle of the field, her expression is almost gleeful.

“Pick your opponent,” Professor Roman says then.

I feel sorry for whoever would have to go up against this girl. Everything about her tells me that she’s merciless in a duel.

“I choose …” Layla pauses dramatically, seeming to enjoy the attention as the other students wait in anticipation.

“Jazmine.”

I don’t think I hear her right. Why would Layla choose me, knowing that I’m probably the least experienced person here? It’s hardly going to be a challenging sparring match. But then I realize with a sickening feeling that it’s exactly why Layla has chosen me. Of course, she knows that I’ll be no match for her and she clearly hates me. She’s going to use this as an opportunity to humiliate me and tear me to pieces in front of the whole class. Payback for what happened in swim class a couple of months ago.

“That’s hardly a fair match, given that Jazmine has just started her training,” Professor Roman says with a scowl.

Layla turns to look up at me, her eyes fierce with challenge. I see Raph getting up, his eyes cold as he turns to Layla. He opens his mouth to say something but Professor Roman is already speaking.

“You don’t have to do this,” he says looking up at me.

The rational part of me knows that I should take the out that’s being offered. There is no way I’m going to come out of this unharmed. But something inside me is not letting me back down. I raise my eyes and meet Layla’s stare unflinchingly.

“I accept,” I say simply, putting steel in my spine as I hold my head high and climb down the bleachers.

Dani and Keller are gaping at me like I’ve lost my mind. Baron and Lance have similar looks on their faces as I pass them.

Then I meet Raph’s eyes and something like concern flashes in them. But I don’t need his concern. I don’t want him to care.

I shoot him an icy look. He’s the reason why Layla hates me so much in the first place. The hate that I should feel for Layla in that moment, I direct at Raph, putting as much venom as I can muster in my stare. Raph’s lips clamp shut and he scowls as he sits back down.

I meet Layla in the middle of the field, feeling strangely calm. She looks like she’s having the time of her life. Her eyes are bright with excitement, eager to start tearing chunks out of me.

My heartbeat is roaring in my ears. My legs feel like jelly, but I won’t let Layla see that.

Layla leans over, her perfectly manicured talons digging into my forearm as she speaks.

“I’m going to enjoy this, you little slut,” she whispers.

“Now I totally understand why your poor father killed himself when he found out about you. The shame of finding out that he fathered a dirty human bastard who was selling her body must have been too great a shame to bear. No King would have been able to survive it.”

I can feel my self-control being shredded to pieces. But I force myself to breathe. She’s trying to get to me, trying to make me lose focus and it’s working, because I can barely see straight through the rage. I shake off her arm and thrust my face up to hers so that we’re breathing the same air, so that she can feel that I mean exactly what I’m about to say.

“I’m going to tear you to pieces.”

But as soon as I say the words, I have no idea why I’ve said them, because I’m no match for her in an elements duel and we both know it. The only one that’s going to be torn to pieces is me, with Layla doing the tearing.

She just smiles at me before turning to walk away towards the other side of the field. I didn’t think it was possible for a smile to convey how much you want to kill someone. But Layla manages it.

I stand on my side of the field, desperately trying to remember everything that I’ve learned so far. Layla is pacing like a caged animal on her side of the field, ready to strike at any moment.

I clear my mind and gather my focus. The field falls away, as does the crowd watching from the bleachers. There is only the humming of power in my veins and the connection I feel to the elements around me.

Layla lashes out first, with an arc of fire which rivals Raph’s own flamethrower that I’d seen in that first elements lesson. The flames surge towards me and I only have a split second to react.

I hold my hand out, focusing on summoning a whirlwind to engulf the fire and the power rushes from my veins, connecting with the air around me to form the whirlwind. I hear the startled shouts from the crowd and I stare dumbfounded, because we definitely didn’t cover that in the training sessions. No one has taught me that and yet the knowledge of it is somewhere inside me.

Layla’s expression is shocked for a moment, but she quickly recovers and is moving again.

She retaliates with another blast of fire, this time there’s wind swirling it and she creates her own whirlwind but this one is made of flame. I react almost instantly, some primal part of me holding a knowledge that my conscious state is not aware of. I summon a wave of water which swallows the fire, extinguishing it in less than a second.

Barely conscious of my own actions, I summon lightning as thunderbolts hurl down from the sky. Ice hails down on the field as the ground rumbles and quakes. Another round of gasps breaks out from the bleachers.

The fear is clear on Layla’s face as I step forward, the storm around me raging stronger. I’m not in control of my own body. I can feel nothing, can think of nothing but the connection, the storm raging around me until I become the storm. The power is dizzying, I can feel the danger in it, something that I have never felt before because in that moment, it feels like the entire universe is in my hands and such power is infinitely dangerous.

I should stop then. But I don’t. I stretch out both my arms and the power recedes like a tsunami pulling back before unleashing its final wave of destruction. I can feel the air shifting, changing. What came before feels like nothing compared to what’s roiling in my veins in that moment.

The sky above the field darkens until day becomes night and the gasps and exclamations from the crowd becomes dead silence. Tapping into the power of night, the power which runs most potent in my blood feels exhilarating and terrifying at the same time. It feels like skydiving through the air or like drinking water for the first time after months in the desert or like taking the first breath after suffocating underwater. It feels like all of those things and none because nothing can really describe the raw power that I feel coursing through me in that moment.

I feel the shadows gathering around me, like a mist creeping along the ground, it thickens. The tendrils of darkness curl around me, ready to act on my command. The shadows are so dark that I know that if I were to release it from this darkness, none would emerge.

The power is consuming me, demanding that I release it. But something inside me stops me cold. This isn’t me. I’m not this person. I look over at Layla, let myself see what I’m about to do. The girl is frozen in place, her eyes wide with terror, the earlier venom replaced by a look of helpless fear.

Something inside me fractures as I drop onto my knees, the shadows receding and dissipating. The ground stills and the darkness disappears as I drop my head into my hands. What am I doing?

What comes next happens so fast, that I barely have time to register. The air thickens again as another arc of fire blasts towards me. I look up and catch a glimpse of Layla, her face contorting in fury as she directs the wave of fire towards me. Then there’s a flash of blinding light and something comes between me and the wall of flames, shielding me from it, moving faster than humanly possible.

It takes a moment to register that Raph is kneeling on the ground in front of me. His arms are around me as he shields me and he holds my head to his chest. His back absorbing the fire.

I pull away in shock and look up at him. Our eyes lock and something undefinable passes between us. Raph’s eyes are as dark and unfathomable as storm clouds, his expression unreadable.

Everything happens so quickly after that, Professor Roman, who had been standing paralyzed, is moving towards the field. Chaos breaks out on the bleachers.

Layla is moving towards where Raph is kneeling in front of me, a look of deadly heat in her eyes. Not a trace of the earlier helpless fear. Professor Roman is holding her back as he tells her to get off the field.

Raph doesn’t turn to look at them. His eyes are still intent on my face. I expect him to get up but he doesn’t pull away. His arms are still around me and something akin to fear spreads through me like wildfire.

“Are you okay?” Raph asks, his voice raw and thick with some emotion that I don’t understand.

“I’m fine.” I force myself to reply and at the same time force myself to let go of him.

Professor Roman dismisses the class early right then and everyone hurries away. I can see Dani and Keller waiting by the bleachers along with Lance and Baron.

“God, what the hell was that?” I ask as I stare up at Raph wide eyed and for a moment I forget how much I’m meant to hate him. That power, so raw, so potent. I’ve never felt anything like it. There was a seduction in that power, too, which made me feel like I was teetering on the edge of a knife blade. Goosebumps rise on my skin at the memory.

Raph’s eyes are as dark as midnight as he looks back at me.

“I don’t know, Jaz. I’ve never seen anything like that …”

Neither of us speaks, but we’re still standing there and it seems like neither of us wants to walk away either.

“It looks like you didn’t need all of that training after all,” he says finally, the ghost of his usual teasing smile playing on those sensuous lips. I can see that he’s still shaken, but I don’t know why because he’s made himself pretty clear about just how little he cares.

Except the way he’s looking at me just then, as if the shock of what just happened has stripped something away from him, leaving him raw and for a moment, it seems like whatever control he had been exercising all these months has finally dissipated.

Part of me is aware that we’re standing in a field with crowds of people around us, but it’s one of those moments between us when it feels like we’re the only two people in the vastness of time and space.

I feel like the entire universe is watching just then, waiting, and time seems to stop as I feel like I’m standing at the edge of that precipice again.

“Jaz, I—”

I wait for him as he seems to be battling with something in his mind. Something seems to win out and when he turns to me again, it’s with that face of stone that I saw that first day at the beach. His eyes are like glaciers, his gaze shuttered.

“I can’t do this,” he says, finally, as he turns and walks away.

I can do nothing but watch his retreating figure as the gaping hole that had opened up inside me that night of the bonfire, widens until it swallows everything in its path, leaving only the emptiness that resonates in the wake of loss.

Part of me thinks that I should be happy that it turns out I have powers worthy of a Dynasty heir after all. But I don’t feel that. I only feel fear at the danger that comes hand in hand with power and something else, something like fear as I watch Raph walk away.

* * *

“I’m not going to the Fall Ball,” I say for what must be the tenth time.

“Yes, you are,” Dani insists, for what must also be the tenth time.

Keller and Dani have dragged me to one of the shopping districts in Arcadia where they’re in the middle of dress shopping and ganging up on me about the Fall Ball.

They’ve become fast friends and I’m glad because, having never had even a single friend before, I don’t actually know how I ever got through the week without these two.

“You are,” Keller adds as she steps out of the boutique dressing room in a silver ball gown which suits her coloring and frame perfectly.

“I don’t even have a date,” I remind them.

“That’s not true—is it, Dani?” Keller says, with a smirk.

“Nope, Devon Waldorf asked her to go.”

“He didn’t ask me to go,” I correct. “He just said that if I didn’t already have a date, then he would go with me.”

Dani and Keller exchange incredulous looks.

“That sounds like he asked you to go,” Keller replies flatly.

“Urgh. It was weeks ago now and I haven’t spoken to him since. So he’s probably found himself another date by now.”

“Nope. Not true,” Keller says, as she unzips the silver dress and reaches for another one from the plush velvet couch next to me.

I realize then that this is my first dress shopping trip. Ever. Buying clothes was always a luxury I couldn’t afford. Now, it feels so strange not even having to think about how much any of these clothes cost. All I have to do is present the Evenstar card that Magnus has given me.

“I know for a fact that Ivy asked Devon to go, but he turned her down. He said he didn’t have a date yet, though, because he was waiting for a certain someone to accept.” Keller looks at me pointedly.

Something occurs to me.

“Wait, what? Isn’t Ivy going with Lance?”

At the mention of Lance’s name, Dani suddenly looks uncomfortable and suspicion knifes through me.

“You never told me who your date was Dan—you mentioned it was some guy, but I don’t think we got to the part where you told me his name.”

Dani clears her throat and acts all nonchalant, but her words are like a bomb.

“Oh, it’s Lance.”

Keller’s eyes look like they’re about to pop out of her head. As do mine, probably.

Had I been so caught up in my own spiral of self-pity, that I hadn’t even noticed what was going on around me? I mean it’s not like I track the comings and goings of Lance and Ivy. But I had no idea they had broken up and how in the hell didn’t I know about Lance and Dani going to the Fall Ball together?

“Whoa. Okay. Can you say that again and explain how the hell all this happened right under my nose without me even noticing?”

“Well, Lance and I have been in the same music class since like freshman year. But it’s not like we run with the same circle—well until now, sort of. I had no idea that he and Ivy had even broken up until he asked me to go to the Fall Ball with him last week. I think I almost died with shock.

“I didn’t tell anyone it was him, because I don’t want it to be a big thing and I have a feeling Ivy is going to blow her top when she finds out.”

“She will,” Keller replies honestly. “But it’s fine. Ivy isn’t Layla—her bark is worse than her bite.”

“Although, there’s no way you’re going to be able to keep it under wraps for long. You showing up to the Fall Ball on Lance’s arm is going to be pretty hard to ignore.”

“Especially because, you know …” Keller trails off.

“I’m not of noble blood or whatever. I get it. But Lance asked me and he doesn’t seem to care, so I’m not saying we’re going to run off together and make babies. But it’ll be a fun night, I guess.” Dani shrugs casually, as she slips on an electric blue number.

I admire her level headed and cool approach. I wish I could adopt the same approach when it comes to a certain someone who shall not be named.

“Well, at least it’s not the Oaknorth Dynasty hosting the Fall Ball this year like they usually do, because that’d be even more obvious. The Oaknorth estate is undergoing renovations, so the ball’s going to be at the St. Tristan palace instead,” Keller adds.

“God, Dani. You’re always beating me up over keeping secrets, but all this time you’ve been hiding juicy secrets of your own,” I interject then.

Dani rolls her eyes.

“It’s hardly the same thing. Lance asked me to the Fall Ball. That’s not the same as him rolling around in my bed behind everyone’s back.”

I groan and cover my face with my hands. The last thing I need is to be reminded of Raph St. Tristan in my bed. I’m like a recovering addict and any mention of him is bad for me.

I bite down on my lip to stop myself from asking the next question, but I must be a glutton for punishment, because I ask it anyway.

“Is Raph going with …?”

God. It’s so pathetic, that I can’t even say it out loud.

Keller’s expression falters and my stomach drops because I know that look. It’s the look that someone has before they tell you that although you’ve survived the terrible accident, the person that was in the car with you hasn’t.

Keller picks up a beautiful red dress, made of pure silk and lace.

She hands it to me and closes my hands over the hanger.

“Call Devon and tell him you’ll go to the Fall Ball with him.”

* * *

Sovereign Hall is quiet that night when I get home. Keller stayed behind in Arcadia to meet some friends and Dani went back to her dorm after dropping me off.

There doesn’t seem to be anyone else home as I drop my dress bag on the kitchen counter and start making myself a sandwich.

I hear footsteps coming down the marble stairs and I feel my blood freeze when I look up to see Raph walking towards the kitchen. He’s wearing grey sweats and nothing else. The sight of his golden skin and ripped chest makes me think of his body lying next to mine all those nights. Not touching. But then again, he never did need to. Every fiber of my being comes alive at just his presence and it’s probably the most pathetic thing in the entire universe.

I don’t pay him any attention as I continue making my sandwich, not even when I feel those blue eyes on me.

“So, we’re not even speaking now?” he says finally, and his tone irritates me because why the hell should he be pissed? He’s the one who’s been toying with me like a freaking yo-yo.

“I thought we were meant to be friends.”

I laugh harshly then.

“We were never friends, asshole. You hated me, made my life a living hell. Then for whatever reason, you stopped with that form of torture, and came up with another way to break me.”

“What? Jaz, I told you that’s not what it was.”

“Okay, but you also told me that you don’t want anything to do with me. So clearly you have some kind of split personality disorder, because I don’t know what the hell you’re doing talking to me right now.”

He falls silent then.

“What are you doing here?”

Still silence.

“Okay. Well then, there’s nothing for us to talk about.

I turn back to my sandwich. But he doesn’t leave and I can feel myself getting angrier all the while.

From the corner of my eye, I see his gaze fall on the dress bag on the counter.

“Are you going to the Fall Ball with Devon?” he asks, and my temper hits the roof.

“That’s none of your business,” I reply. I haven’t called Devon yet and honestly, I’m not sure if I’m going to go through with it. But Raph is sure pushing me in that direction.

“Just answer the question, Jaz.”

“Sure, I’ll answer the question. If you answer mine—who are you going to the Fall Ball with?”

I shouldn’t give a damn about who he’s going to the Fall Ball with. I don’t want to care. But some stupid, weak, naïve part of me is wishing that he’ll say no one or that, even more pathetic, he’ll ask me to go with him right then and there.

But of course, he doesn’t, and the flash of guilt in his eyes tells me everything I need to know.

“God, you’re so twisted. I can’t even look at you without feeling like I want to hurl.”

“Jaz—” He reaches out for me, but the look burning in my eyes makes him drop his hand to his side. Because if he so much as touches me, I think I’ll explode.

“You told me that you can’t do this, that this can never happen, that anything that did happen was a mistake. So what do you want from me?” I’m almost screaming now.

He doesn’t answer and I make to walk away, but his words stop me.

“There’s so much you don’t know, Jaz. So much you don’t understand about this world, about who I am in it.”

“Then make me understand. Tell me.”

Those blue eyes sear into mine and I wait for him.

“I can’t,” he says finally, turning away from me.

“And it won’t make a damned bit of difference anyway, because I can’t give you what you need.”

I’m done.

“You’re so messed up and I’m done letting you mess with me. You hate me one minute, you sleep in my bed and try to kiss me the next, then you’re telling me how it’s all a mistake, that you can’t be with me. That you don’t want me. But you’re warning every guy at school off me and you don’t want me going to this stupid dance with someone else? Do you know how messed up you are?”

“Yes!” He shouts. He moves towards me then, quick as a flash of light. His hands are holding my face, his fingers devastatingly gentle, although his words rage like fire.

“I know how messed up I am. Trust me, I know. I’m fucked up because when I’m around you, I can’t think straight. Because the thought of you with someone else makes me feel like I’m going to lose my goddamn mind.”

His words floor me and at the same time, they make me come alive. My heart is pounding so fast, it feels like it might burst out of my chest. There are a million questions roaring through my mind, but when I look into those midnight blue eyes, I see the answer, and everything inside me stills.

“But none of it matters, right? Because you don’t want me?”

He closes his eyes then and lets go. That impossibly beautiful face is a picture of defeat. But he’s not the only one who’s lost, we both have.

“It can’t matter, Jaz. I can’t want you. You deserve …” he lets out a long breath. “More. So much more. But it doesn’t matter, because I can’t give you more—I don’t have more to give.”

It was almost cruel for him to tell me all of that, only to say that none of it even matters, that it could never matter.

There’s nothing left in me as I pick up the dress bag and turn to face him one last time.

“Okay,” I say quietly. “Then, to answer your question, I am going with Devon.”

I don’t stay to listen to what else he might have to say, because as we’ve both just admitted to each other, none of it can matter anyway.