FOURTEEN
Lea
The door closing startled me awake several hours later. I shot up in bed, the memories of the emails way too fresh in my mind making me paranoid. My hand had reached toward the nightstand for my phone before my eyes fell on the hulking presence of Shane right inside the doorway. His hands, shirt, pants, and shoes had dried blood on them, a sight that I was too familiar with to blanch over. But there was something else that had me stiffening.
Everything I had accepted about Shane- his calmness, his joking nature, his impenetrability seemed gone. His gorgeous blue eyes seemed dead, flat, so unlike themselves. He was looking at me, but not seeming to see me.
Whatever job he was on must have shaken him a bit.
“The washer is empty,” I said, going for practicality. He was covered in DNA evidence and, even if they were careful about not getting caught in the past, preserving a life outside of bars was likely high on their priority list.
“Right,” he said with a tight nod and moved off in that direction. I heard the water filling and the lid slamming before I saw him walking toward the bathroom in, well, nothing.
I sat there for a long time, listening to the water run, giving him space. But then I remembered that he had wanted me there. He must have known that the job would be shitty and that he would be in a bad mood after it. Because of that, he wanted me in his place when he got in. He didn’t want me there to sit on his bed and watch him like a ticking time bomb. That wasn’t my style.
On that thought, I jumped off the bed and made my way to the bathroom, finding him standing under the spray, one forearm planted on the wall, half leaned forward, just letting the water cascade down him. All the blood was gone; he was physically clean. But the dirt under the surface was still trapped.
I had no idea what any normal girlfriend would do. But Shane didn’t want normal. If he wanted normal, he wouldn’t have chosen me. On that note, I lifted my chin, deciding to use a remedy that seemed to work for just about all ails from headache to heartache.
Sex.
I reached down and snagged the hem of my shirt, dragging it up over my body and discarding it to the floor. The motion caught Shane’s eye and, while his body stayed in the same position, his eyes were on me. My hands went behind my back, unclasping my bra, then sliding the straps down my arms. My nipples tweaked in anticipation, hardening, as my hands moved up my belly to cup my breasts for a moment, rolling my nipples, until I could hear Shane’s breathing get a little heavier. My hands moved back down my belly, snagging my panties, and pushing them down my legs. I stepped out of them, whispering my fingertips up my thighs then, eyes on Shane’s, slipped my hand between, running up my slick cleft and finding my clit.
I let out a small gasp that had a growl escaping Shane’s chest. When my eyes dipped, I found his cock getting hard and a thrill of anticipation filled me, urged me on.
“Get over here,” Shane’s rough voice demanded suddenly.
When I didn’t immediately move to do so, running my fingertip over my clit and drawing a small moan from me, Shane stormed out of the shower and over toward me. One hand rose up, grabbing the back of my skull like he always did. The other hand dipped, slipping under mine and taking over. His lips slammed down on mine, hard, bruising. Like I liked. Like he needed. His fingers were equally rough, dragging over my clit for a long minute before two slid downward and slipped inside me, leaving his thumb to work my clit as his fingers curled and started raking over my G-spot.
I moaned against his lips. He bit into my lower one hard.
Just when I could feel myself tightening, getting ready for release, his fingers slipped out of me. I didn’t even get a chance to grumble as he grabbed me and turned me, slamming my hips against the sink cabinet. His hand went up, grabbing a handful of my hair and yanking it back, making my back arch, as his lips went to my neck.
His other hand was elsewhere, opening a drawer, I imagined, to fish out a condom. But what he slammed down on the counter beside my hip was a bottle of lube.
“I want every inch of you, baby,” he explained, breath warm in my ear, making my body do a small shiver. “I want to own every hole.” He paused as a thrill went through me. “If that’s not…” he started, giving me an out that I didn’t need, but appreciated anyway.
“I want that too,” I told him, watching the mirror as his eyes slid up and pinned mine.
His hand moved down again, slipping between my legs to tease my clit again, drive me upward again. Then I lost his fingers again as I heard the snap of the lube cap open and felt the cool, slippery contents slide down my ass. The bottle went back to the counter and his hand rose to my ass, squeezing one cheek for a second before his fingers moved inward, his thumb working the lube where it needed to be and started to gently press inside. My head fell back on his chest on a sigh as his thumb penetrated and started thrusting lazily, preparing me for a long couple of minutes as chaos started to brew between my thighs, making me press them together to try to calm the need to come.
His free hand moved up my spine, pressing me forward. My hands slapped down on the sink counter and his hand went to my hip as I lost his thumb and felt his cock slide between my folds, teasing me, pressing against my clit for a second before sliding backward toward my ass, wasting no time in starting to penetrate. He pressed inward slowly, giving my body time to adjust, as his hand moved from my hip and slid between my thighs to start working my clit again.
He buried to the root on a curse as he grabbed my hip and started slowly, almost gently, thrusting inside me. It wasn’t long before I needed more, before I needed it like he usually gave it to me- hard, demanding, needy. My hips started slamming backward faster, harder, showing him what I wanted, but I told him anyway. “Harder,” I demanded and, on an approving growl, he gave me what I needed. His thumb stayed on my clit as his fingers slid down and inside me again, curling, working over my G-spot until I was completely mindless with sensations. Until all there was in the entire world was him and me, his hands on me, in me, his cock inside me, our ragged breathing, my moans, his hisses and curses.
I pushed back as he thrust forward, his thumb pressing into my clit, his fingers raking over my G-spot, and the little world we created exploded through my system as I cried out his name, a triple zone orgasm making my legs go weak. Shane’s reflexes were quick, arm going around my belly and hauling me up against his chest as I shook through the waves, my head back on his shoulder, my face turned into his neck. I was vaguely aware of him jerking upward once, his body spasming as he came.
Then, there was nothing, just stillness as we both tried to steady our breathing, as I simultaneously tried to come back to reality, but also stay in the perfect little dreamworld we had created.
“Fucking perfect,” Shane’s voice said, low, practically quiet, as his face rubbed against my hair.
“Yeah, it was,” I agreed, smiling a little dreamily, eyes still closed.
“That, yeah,” he agreed, arm squeezing my belly. “But I didn’t mean that. I meant you.”
My eyes opened at that, finding his reflected in the mirror, maybe an insecure part of me expecting to see teasing there. All I saw was sincerity.
“Barely know each other,” he went on, obviously in a sharing mood, “but you get me. Was in a shit mood. Most women would give me space or nag me about how I was feeling. You knew better.”
“Sex is a cure-all,” I said with a hesitant little smile, not liking that I was lessening what I had just felt with him.
I saw a flash of disappointment cross his face at the words too. “It wasn’t that and you know it. I think we’ve both done enough fucking to know when all it is is that. This wasn’t that. This was connection.”
Because I agreed, but was too chicken shit to admit it, I stayed silent, leaning up to kiss the underside of his jaw instead, always finding physical affection easier. “You get me too,” I admitted, wanting him to know that I noticed, that it mattered.
“Bat shit crazy in all the right ways,” he agreed, teasing me because I think we both were getting uncomfortable with the heaviness of that moment.
“You don’t know the half of it,” I agreed as he slowly slid out of me and moved away.
“One day I will,” he promised, moving back toward the shower. When I didn’t move to follow, he stepped back, grabbed my wrist, and pulled me with him. “Gotta get that lube off,” he said.
Then we showered.
And he cleaned up the puddled mess that was the bathroom floor from when he came charging out of the shower at me.
We had some coffee and bagels. Then we both passed back out.
Easy.
Effortless.
—
Saturday meant we were both in knock-around clothes with big to-go coffees in our hands as we parked on the street out front of Fee and Hunter’s house and made our way up their drive.
They lived in the ‘burbs part of Navesink Bank, literally the last place you would expect to see a woman like Fee. Or a man like Hunter for that matter. But they found a house that butted up next to a park that was in walking distance to both the elementary and middle schools so, despite being city and apartment-type people, they bought a two story colonial with four bedrooms, two and a half baths, and a half an acre full of outside toys, a gated in-ground pool, and the best deck I had ever seen in my life.
There was a moving truck in the driveway that Charlie was climbing out of, giving us a smile as a group of Mallicks came from the side yard toward us. Everyone, including usually dressed-to-the-nines Ryan, was in jeans and white, blue, or black tees, making each and every one of them look burly and capable.
Shane’s hand slid down and squeezed mine before, out of nowhere, little Becca came barreling at me, almost knocking me off my feet at the impact. “You’re here!” she exclaimed, hugging my legs tight, like she never thought she’d see me again.
“Of course I’m here.”
“Uncles Mark and Ryan have a bet,” she explained and I looked up at them with a raised brow.
“What kind of bet?” I asked her, though kept looking at her uncles.
“That Uncle Shane wouldn’t see you again.”
“Huh,” I said, ruffling her soft hair and picking out a few twigs that had found themselves wrapped up in it, “Looks like they lost, doesn’t it?”
“Good,” she declared, taking a step back. “We need more girls in the family,” she said, running off toward the back yard again.
“Charlie wants us to keep going until we have a boy,” Fee explained as she walked out. Dressed in a bright yellow mini-skirt and black tank top with five inch heels, she in no way looked like she was going to be doing any manual labor.
“Hey you have that extra bedroom,” Charlie said, shrugging.
“Start nagging your other sons to start procreating,” Fee declared, shaking her head. “I’m done.”
Charlie’s eyes slid toward me and how I was nestled into Shane’s side. The smile he had was a little wicked.
“Yeah, so not at that point, Pops,” Shane said, taking the pressure off me.
“You’re older,” Charlie said, turning from us and whacking Ryan across the back of the head. “Where’s your wife and kids?”
With that, Shane leaned down and let me in on another piece of his puzzle. “I do want them though. A litter just like Fee and Hunt.”
“That’s, ah, good to know,” I said, feeling a bit conflicted at that. Partly because I liked that image, a hoard of little Shanes running around. He would be a good father one day. Also because, if he was telling me something like that, it said something about how serious he was about making it work between us. But the other part of me knew that the chances of us ever getting to that point were slim to none. I hadn’t even given much thought to reproducing honestly. I had always been a little too young, a little too reckless, a little too busy enjoying my young adulthood to think about settling down or making babies. I made sure I never missed a gyno visit for that very purpose. As if sensing my hesitance, Shane shrugged.
“Don’t worry. We’re having fun practicing making them now,” he told me, throwing an arm around my shoulders and leading me away.
“So why are we moving the second set of living room furniture in a year?” Mark was asking Fee as we made it inside the house.
“Hunter made some new furniture for the living room. It didn’t match the old couches and chairs and carpets and accessories. So we are changing all that.”
Mark looked at Hunter who shook his head with a smile. “Whatever makes her happy, man. You’ll learn that soon enough.”
“So where are we taking it this time?” Ryan asked, picking up a box labeled “bric-a-brac”.
“Over on Wilson,” Fee explained as she snatched a lollipop out of a running Izzy’s hand. “You’ve had three,” she explained to the child who pouted and walked away. “They are opening a women’s shelter in a couple weeks. They have counseling and daycare and about a dozen apartments for women and families. They’ll do a lot of good. We’ve already given a huge donation, but I figured giving them all this stuff for their common room will save them money in decorating costs. Becca actually put a box together of a bunch of her toys too when I explained what a women’s shelter was. She tried to stash a bunch of Izzy’s toys in there as well before I caught her.”
I made a mental note to stash some extra cash away to donate when I had it too. If there was anything the world needed more of, it was safe havens for women who were escaping shitty situations. I didn’t think I would have been able to do it on my own if I had kids to worry about too.
“Dark mood,” Shane mumbled down at me so no one else could hear.
“No, not dark,” I explained, shaking my head. “It’s hard to explain.”
“If it helps any to know, on top of whatever Fee and Hunt gave, the rest of us each gave five K in donations too. They’ll be doing a lot of good around here.”
My eyes looked over and found Helen watching us and, feeling it down to my bones, feeling it expand outward like it was going to make me bust if I didn’t say it, so I did. “You really raised some good men,” I told her, making her smile spread.
She looked at them all briefly, landing on Shane as she answered. “Yeah, I guess I did.”
With that, everyone went to work.
Well, the men did.
Helen, Fee, and I went to the kitchen for coffee, enjoying a family full of alpha men who insisted they do the heavy lifting, even if that maybe did set us back a couple years feminism-wise.
A few hours later, the men came in, sweaty, hungry, and took the meat out of the fridge to go grill off. Then, accepting our break was done, we all set to making sides.
And I felt it then too.
Comfort.
Rightness.
Home.
What I didn’t know then, though, was that shit was about to hit the fan in just about every way possible.
—-
We had been back from Fee’s for a couple hours, both showered and changed. Shane, into his around-the-house usual: low slung sweatpants and nothing else. Me into mine, panties and one of his oversize tees. He had been in the kitchen then upstairs for a while. I had been flicking around the TV, not particularly interested in anything I found.
Then Shane’s laptop came flying across the bed and landed half-on, half-off my leg.
“What the fuck is that?” Shane’s voice growled. When I looked up, he was gesturing toward the laptop.
Right then, realization hit.
No way. No way was I that friggen stupid, that careless.
But as my eyes drifted down to the screen, I realized I was.
I had been upset and I had slammed the lid shut. But I hadn’t closed the tabs.
Christ.
Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.
“Lea,” Shane’s voice said and it sounded like a demand. My eyes went up to find him, his body rigid, his jaw so tight that a muscle ticked there, his eyes hard. I felt my lips part, looking for an excuse, looking for a way to brush it aside, feeling nothing but an odd mix of worry, guilt, shame, embarrassment, and bone-deep fear. “Hey,” he said, voice softening as he moved toward the bed. My traitorous face must have betrayed me yet again. He moved to sit in his usual spot, back propped up against the wall beside where I was sitting cross-legged. He took the laptop, turning the screen away and half-closing the lid. “Didn’t mean to yell. That shit caught me off-guard,” he explained and I understood. Hell, I wasn’t even mad that he yelled. I would have yelled too.
I brought a hand up, running it through my hair as I looked down at the tangled bedsheets. “It’s fine.”
“Not really,” he said, hand landing on my knee with a squeeze. “But it’s time, Lea. We’ve been pussy-footing around this for long enough now. I get that it’s a sore spot or a giant, gaping wound. But you need to let me in on it.”
“Shane, I can’t. Really, you don’t under…”
“Right. I don’t understand. Because you won’t tell me. I was going to let it rest, give you time. I figured that whatever the dickhead did was in the past and you were slowly trying to move on from it. I thought that, despite whatever damage you have inside, that you were free of it. This shit,” he said, bumping his leg into the laptop, “says you aren’t free from it. Not only that, but it’s a threat. I get that we are new and you are still holding onto the idea that you don’t need me for anything, but let me let you in on something here. I am not the type of man who lets his woman, doesn’t fuckin’ matter how newly he is his woman, get threatened by exes. I don’t tolerate the fact that he is doing shit to try to guilt you back to him. And I sure as fuck don’t let you walk around like this shit isn’t happening. This is happening. I get that it hurts. I get that you’re scared. But I can’t take care of you if I don’t know exactly what I am up against.”
“I don’t need you to take care of me, Shane,” I said, my voice a little hollow. “I’ve been doing alright dealing by myself so far.”
Shane exhaled loudly and I knew he was trying to think his words through, not let them explode from him like he usually did. A part of me would prefer the explosion. It was familiar.
“Look, I know you got away by yourself. You found your way here without me. You got your life set up all over again without me. But I’m part of that life now. I didn’t force you into that. You invited me in. So when shit like this is happening to you, it’s happening to me too. I need to be aware. Because the man stabbing a knife into your fucking brother’s stomach in retribution for you leaving doesn’t exactly seem like the kind of guy who is going to give up. Whatever went on in your past, it’s not over. I am asking you to tell me what I am up against when it does eventually find you here. Because, baby, I know you don’t want to hear this and I’m not trying to scare you, but it will find you here eventually.”
I knew that. I had always known that. It was why I didn’t want to get involved with him. It was why I didn’t want to make friends, let alone a makeshift family out of his. I knew Rey was determined. I knew I was his and what was his was always his. He would never give me up. He would, eventually, find his way to Navesink Bank.
My plan was always to run again.
To keep running.
“I should go,” I said, my tone defeated.
“You’re not going fucking anywhere. Are you really going to be so chickenshit as to run away so you don’t have to share? You’re stronger than that, Lea.”
I exhaled hard, blinking back the strange sting of tears in my eyes. I wasn’t sure if they were from his steadfast determination to get to know me, to protect me, to make me trust him… or if it was the fact that I really wanted that too and that scared the shit out of me.
“I loved him,” my voice said, I think shocking me as much as him. “I really did. He was great to me for a long time. Protective, giving, respectful. It went on long enough for me to let my guard down. And just about then was when I realized he was no longer just being rough or dominant like it started out. It was rape, plain and simple. I said no and it didn’t matter. I fought and he held me down. That was when I told him to go fuck himself and tried to leave. Tried,” I said, looking over at Shane as I swallowed hard. The worst part in retelling wasn’t the rape. It wasn’t remembering the helplessness I felt. It wasn’t the betrayal of trust that came from having someone you loved violate you. The hardest part was what came after.
Shane’s hand squeezed my knee again, a small show of comfort that was the only kind I would have accepted right then.
“Rey, well, he didn’t like that. He never put his hands on me outside of the bed before. But that night, he snapped, slammed me up against a wall so hard that I was too dizzy to fight him as he dragged me down the stairs, threw me into his car, and drove me to the compound. My grandfather, father, and brother were in his club,” I explained, forgetting I had left out the history there, knowing it wasn’t the most important part. I swallowed hard, steeling myself for the rest. “He dragged me out of the car and into the building by my hair, tossing me down on the ground. My family stood, surprised, unsure what to do. My grandfather started to say something. Rey reached into his waistband, pulled out a gun, and put a plug right between his eyes.”
“Jesus fucking Christ,” Shane hissed, his body going tight again.
But I couldn’t stop once I started. “He warned my father and brother to never step in on his business, that I was his woman and it didn’t matter that I was their family, that club rules applied: brotherhood above everything, especially bitches. If they tried to step in, help me, get me out, they would have a much more drawn-out, painful death than my grandfather did.”
“So you stayed,” Shane guessed.
“There’s no other way to put it. I wasn’t chained up. I wasn’t watched twenty-four seven. I just… stayed.”
“To protect them?” Shane asked.
I felt myself nod. “Mostly.”
“Can I say something here that you might not want to hear?”
“You’re pretty good at that,” I said, forcing a wobbly smile, giving him permission, surprised that he asked for it in the first place.
“I don’t give a flying fuck what all the fairy tales say, what families always say. Love is not unconditional. And it never should be. Everyone should know that there is only so much they can get away with before you wash your hands of their shit. No one gets a free pass just because they have the same blood in their veins. When you wouldn’t tolerate a stranger doing something, you shouldn’t tolerate a family member doing it. Would it be okay if a passerby on the street saw you getting you pulled around by your fucking hair and didn’t try to step in? Fuck no. So why was it okay to you that your father and brother did it?”
“It’s… diff…”
“It’s not different,” he cut me off. “It’s no different. If anything, it’s a lot fucking worse. They raised you. They loved you. And they stood by and let you get abused. I don’t give a flying fuck what threat they were under, they should have stepped in. You know how I feel about my family,” he said, and I did. Nothing mattered more to him. “If I found out tomorrow that Hunter was putting his hands on Fee, there isn’t a force in the world, not even family loyalty, that would stop me from putting an end to it. Nothing should have stopped them, Lea,” he said, shaking his head at me. “You shouldn’t have had to put up with it for…”
“Years,” I provided.
He closed his eyes for a second at that, exhaling hard, trying to stay calm. “Years before you finally got yourself out with no help from their pathetic asses.”
“He stabbed my brother,” I said, hearing the emotion there, not having been aware of it for days.
“I know you might hate me for saying this, but good.”
“Shane…”
“No, Lea. Just… no. I get that you have loyalty. I get that maybe you’re convinced they were so scared for their lives that they couldn’t help you. But, baby, you got away. Just you. Alone. They are two big, burly grown-ass men. They damn sure could have gotten you out. Sooner. And they could have gone with you to make sure you stayed protected. They didn’t. They chose not to. They chose to let you get abused. That isn’t love. And what you feel toward them, it shouldn’t be love either. Or guilt. Or obligation.”
“He raped, tortured, and killed a girl I barely knew…” I went on.
To that, he winced. Then he nodded.
“If you were in a room with your ex and you had a loaded gun…” he started, feeling me out.
“I’d shoot off his dick then unload the rest of the clip into his head and hollow heart,” I answered honestly.
Again, he nodded.
“You can’t have this shit keep happening,” he said, motioning toward the laptop again. “The guilt will eat you alive.”
“Yeah,” I agreed, knowing it was true. Honestly, eventually, it might have been bad enough to drag me back.
“Alright,” he said, voice a little far off. “Then this stops.” With that, he squeezed my knee again and moved to get off the bed.
“Shane… what is that supposed to mean?”
He looked over his shoulder at me, eyes more intense than I had ever seen them.
“It means this fucking stops.”
That night, I went to bed with him.
I woke up alone.
And I knew, I finally knew what he meant.
He was going to take care of Rey.
Fuck.