NINETEEN
Lea
The door didn’t open until well after one in the morning, making Ryan shoot up in the chair where he had been sitting and me sit up against the headboard where I had been staring at the TV screen, not really seeing anything, lost in my own thoughts.
Like what it meant for me that I was free.
I honestly think I forgot what the meaning of that word was. While I had gotten away from Rey and gotten a small amount of freedom in not being raped and yelled at, demeaned, and made to do things, I still hadn’t been free. I had been living in fear and had the weight of my past as an ever-present anchor.
Every decision I made, I made with the knowledge that Rey was still around and could find me at any time.
I had moved where he wouldn’t look for me.
I had kept my head down and not made connections.
I had done what I needed to do to get away.
But I had never been free.
But that night changed everything. Shane had changed everything. While the idea of him having to kill someone when he had gone his whole life and career managing not to do so didn’t sit well with me, made me feel guilty, made me worry about how he would mentally handle it, it put a stamp of finality on the whole situation. I would never have to look over my shoulder again. The sound of bikes wouldn’t make me sick. I could put down roots. I could put my name on documents without worrying about the trail that left. I could make friends.
I could love Shane.
Love.
Almost everything in me rebelled against that word, wanted to fight it, wanted me to accept that it was too soon for that, that it was stupid and illogical.
But there was no denying that was what was happening.
Maybe I wasn’t the type to fall into love. Maybe my past made me too hesitant for that, too careful. But it seemed like I had dipped my toe, tested the waters, and was slowly but surely stepping in.
That, in and of itself, was a scary concept.
But, at the same time, not.
I didn’t know how to feel about that, about the swirling feeling in my belly mixed with the swelling sensation in my chest. Because I knew it was right. I knew that, after all my bad decisions, all my stupid choices with men, I had finally made the right one. Albeit quite begrudgingly and almost against my will, but I had made the choice to let Shane in.
And the rest, well, it all just seemed to fall into place.
Maybe Fee was right about women like us. Maybe we did rebel so hard against the idea of love and relationships that we found ourselves in the middle before we realized we had even begun.
And Shane, well, for the first time maybe in my life, I had no doubts about his feelings toward me. Like he said, he wasn’t romantic. But he showed me in his own way how much he cared.
And that, that brutal kind of honesty, that was better than a million bouquets of flowers or good morning texts.
“Is that a shirt for that bar we parked in?” Ryan asked, his angle allowing him to see Shane before I did.
And, sure enough, when he moved into the room and closed the door, he had on an Inky’s shirt and a pair of pants that were slightly too big for him, hanging down low on his waist. He looked mostly clean, only a streak of red here or there if you looked really hard.
As if sensing my thoughts, Shane shook his head. “That fucker keeps wipes in his car. Fucking baby wipes in a biker’s car. Had me wipe down before we burned my shit.”
“So it’s handled,” Ryan said, moving toward his brother.
“Pops will fill you in. I think you’re in 3A with Eli, but everyone is in 5A with Pops so they can get the low down,” Shane said, as Ryan stood and moved toward the door.
“We’ll see you guys in the morning,” Ryan said, giving me a small smile before he left.
“I see you and Ry bonded finally,” Shane said, sliding the locks for the door while reaching to remove his shirt. “He’s a hard fuck to know, but he’s good in a crisis.”
I nodded, watching as he undressed, finding myself unusually detached where I would usually be salivating and trying like hell to not jump his bones.
“I’m gonna hop in the shower. You want, join me in five.”
He said it as he walked into the bathroom and half-closed the door.
I figured the five minutes was his way of making sure he had all the blood off of him. Rey’s blood.
I was still trying to fully wrap my head around that idea. Death was weird that way. It was hard to fully accept. Sometimes you still expected to see that person again, have them pop around a corner, call you on the phone.
Even though those were the last things I wanted to happen where Rey was concerned, it was still taking a bit to settle in.
“Baby,” Shane called, making my head snap in that direction, wondering how long I had been spaced out again. “Come here,” he said, but it wasn’t demanding, it was almost a question. I climbed off the bed and moved into the bathroom, mostly steamed up despite the fan being on, like he had had the water on hot enough to blister. His eyes were on me, expectant. Still a bit numb, but understanding that he wanted me close, I quickly stripped out of my clothes and climbed in the shower. The second I slid under the spray, his arms went around me, tight, reassuring, protective. He pulled me to his chest and folded his arms around my back, one across my shoulder, the other around my hips. “Talk to me,” he said into my hair.
“I don’t know what to say,” I admitted honestly.
“Let’s start with this,” he said, giving me a squeeze. “Are you mad at me?” My head was shaking no before he even finished. “Upset with me?” he went on and I shook my head again. “Maybe just a little freaked?” At that, I nodded. “Yeah,” he agreed and I could hear and feel him exhale hard. “Me too.”
“I’m sorry you had to do that.”
“Don’t,” he said, voice firm. “Don’t be sorry about anything. You didn’t make me do it. You didn’t even ask. In fact, I’m figuring you came here to stop me. This was my doing alone and I won’t have you taking any of it on. Got it?”
I felt myself smiling against his shoulder. “I don’t care if you are a killer,” I started, trying to get to the point where we could be comfortable with the topic, even though it felt forced, “you don’t get to boss me around.”
To that, he snorted. “I got a feeling that I am going to be the one bossed around.”
“That’s not untrue,” I said, taking a deep breath again, surprised how good it felt, sure down to my bones that I truly hadn’t taken a proper breath since the day I met Rey.
“So you wanna have a litter of kids with me, huh?” he asked, as I knew he would.
“Some day, yeah,” I admitted because it felt right too.
“All boys?” he asked.
“I can’t have girls. Not with you as their father. They would never be allowed to date.”
“Fuck no,” he agreed, making me smile big. I liked that. I liked that even the idea of his very fictional little girls getting hurt created such a strong reaction in him. “But I’d be happy with either. Your eyes on a little girl…” he started and I was shaking my head.
“Your eyes,” I disagreed.
“Don’t think we get to pick,” he said, sounding amused, his voice warm. “But we can just keep making ‘em until we get one with my eyes.” He paused for a long time, both of us lost in our thoughts, his hands moving up and down my back.
Maybe we were still new and talk about babies was premature, but it felt right. There was no denying the fact that Shane and I had had a connection since we met. The more we interacted, the stronger it got. We knew each other before we even spoke. We were on the same wavelength. We simply… fit.
And, well, I think I had picked enough of the wrong guys to finally recognize when I got the right one.
He was the right one.
I knew it down to my bones.
“Know what?” he asked a long time later, the water starting to lose its heat.
“No, what?” I asked, never wanting to get out.
“I think if we’re going to have all these babies, that we should really put some work in on the practice,” he said, voice getting a little husky and I could feel his cock starting to press against my belly.
“Hmm,” I said, hands moving between us to reach down and grab his cock, stroking it once, enjoying the groan he let out. “I think that might be a good idea. Just so, when we’re ready, we get it right.”
I barely got a chance to scream as he somehow simultaneously shut off the water, grabbed me, and tossed me over his shoulder. And we walked like that, both sopping wet, into the next room where he tossed me down onto the bed, coming over me instantly, our wet bodies sliding against each other as our hands and mouths got hungry, rolling and wrestling for power and access to the others’ body.
Shane ended up on top, thrusting deep, starting hard and fast and ending slower, sweeter, his mouth swallowing my moans, his hands holding mine.
I came.
He came.
And he wrapped us up in the sheets, drying off as he held me.
And there it was again.
Comfort.
Rightness.
Home.
He was home.
Even completely across the country in a hotel room, he was where I wanted to be.
Always.