CHAPTER FIFTEEN

“So . . .” Jessica said with a grin as we pushed into the restroom. “Things look pretty steamy out here with you and Jonathon.”

I totally didn’t have to pee. I just needed to share with my friends or I was going to burst. “He told me loves me!”

“Really? That’s awesome!” Rory grinned. “I guess you were right not to text him first. I stand corrected.”

“Ah, I know! I’m like so happy!” I couldn’t contain my excitement so I did the cabbage patch in front of the mirror. “He loves me, he loves me.” I capped it off with a few fist-pump, hip-thrust moves.

Jessica snorted. “Oh my God. That’s the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever seen and I have sex with my boyfriend on a waterbed, so that’s saying a lot.”

“I don’t care what you say.” I did a cupid shuffle. Two stomps. “I feel good. I look good. Though I need more lipstick. Jonathon kissed it off.”

Rory pulled out a lipstick. “Here. And I want you to know that it makes me super happy to see you happy. The last six months have been a suckfest for you.”

They had been. But maybe I could appreciate this more because things had been so hard. “Thanks, Rory Bory. That means a lot to me. It did suck.”

“The last Girls’ Night was—”

I held my free hand up to stop Jessica. “OMG! Don’t bring that up. I am still not able to forgive Nathan, but the thing is, he no longer deserves any of my attention. I don’t love him. I never loved the real him. He was someone totally different from who I thought he was so it doesn’t count.”

“I like that you’re able to use his name instead of calling him Voldemort.”

“That’s giving him too much power.” I shrugged. “The thing is, he’s just not a nice person. Jonathon is more than a nice person. He’s a good man.” Suddenly I felt tears in my eyes. “I’m really, really lucky that he was there through all of this with me. Most guys . . .” I couldn’t keep going because I was choked up.

“Oh, honey.” Jessica pulled me into her arms and Rory joined us in a group hug. “I’m sorry that you’ve been through so much.”

Rory said, “You’re right. Most guys wouldn’t have stuck by you. The right guy isn’t most guys, though. That’s how you know he’s worth keeping. He sticks.”

I nodded. “Totally. Now I need to stop or I’m going to eff up my makeup. I don’t want to be puffy and streaky.” I pulled back and wiped at my eyes, sniffling and blinking hard. I fanned myself. “Oh, shit. I think I’m done with the vodka for tonight. My buzz is wearing off and I’m okay with that. I just want to go home and climb Jonathon like a tree.”

“Hello.” Jessica laughed. “Someone’s feeling better.”

Rory said, “I have the absolute worst visuals now. Jess flopping around a waterbed, you in a lumberjack outfit climbing Jonathon . . . I’m going to need to see my boyfriend naked sooner than later to eradicate those bizarre images.”

“And now you just put the thought of your boyfriend naked into my head. Ew.”

“Hey, what do you mean ew? Tyler is—”

“Fabulously hot and hung, I know,” I laughed. “But our oversharing hour ended when we showed up here. You guys don’t mind if I go home with Jonathon, do you?”

“Of course not.” Jessica rubbed her teeth in the mirror. “I think Riley is relieved. He’s going through a bit of an insecure phase. He’s convinced every man within twenty feet of me is hitting on me.”

“What do you think that’s all about?” I asked, adjusting my hat.

“I think he is worried now that we’ve been together for nine months that I’ll decide I don’t want all the baggage he comes with—the house, the mortgage, Jayden and Easton, my dad’s disapproval, etc. So I’ve been working hard to reassure him without coming right out and saying, hey, don’t worry. Because he doesn’t have any reason to worry. I love my life and I love my life with him.”

“Okay, we really do have to get out of this restroom,” Rory said. “Or I’m going to get emotional myself. Tyler doesn’t worry about other men hitting on me. He worries that he doesn’t make enough money and that I’ll be embarrassed of him. Like I give a shit about money. What I give a shit about is that he’s a great guy.”

“The male ego. We must treat it like it’s glass.”

“Hmm.” I decided to go pee after all and as I went into the stall I wondered what Jonathon’s ego trigger was. So far I didn’t think I could pinpoint what was his real or imagined flaw. My only issue, which was more observation than issue, was that he could be very literal sometimes.

On that thought I flushed and decided I wasn’t going to think about any of that stuff tonight. I could worry about that when I was where Jessica and Rory were with their boyfriends, nine months and over a year in.

“I find it quite adorable that you are dating a genius,” Rory said as I washed my hands. “He looks at you so bewildered, like he can’t crack the equation on why you’re into him.”

I laughed. “He does not.”

When we came back out of the restroom and went up to the bar, all three guys turned to watch our approach. I didn’t bother to look and see how Tyler and Riley ogled my friends, I was too busy sticking my hands in my front pockets and putting a sway in my hips to impress Jonathon, enjoying the hungry look on his face as he stared at me.

“You took forever in there,” Riley complained.

I ignored him and Jessica’s response and stepped right between Jonathon’s legs when he turned his stool completely. He widened his legs to accommodate me and then closed them again, clamping me between his knees.

“Got you.”

Laughing, I put my arms around his neck. “Yes, you have me. Will Miranda be upset if we leave? Do you need to give her a ride?”

“I walked and I think Miranda is just fine.” He gestured with his head.

A glance back showed his friend making out with the girl with the short spiked blond hair. “Oh. Excellent.”

“Do you mind walking?” he asked.

“No. It’s just a few blocks to my place. I left my bag at Rory’s but there’s nothing in it I need tonight.”

“Perfect. Let’s go then.” He leaned closer and murmured in my ear, “We need to stop for condoms on the way.”

My cheeks got hot. I nodded, not wanting to talk about it. I knew we needed to discuss more reliable birth control, and we really needed to share our emotions about what I couldn’t even bring myself to think about right at that moment, but I wasn’t ready. It would ruin my mood, ruin the joy I felt in looking at him and feeling that swell of love rise in my chest every single time my gaze locked with his.

“Let me pay my tab and tell Miranda we’re leaving.”

Suddenly I changed my mind about wanting another drink. “Let’s have one last drink and then we can go, ’kay?” I cupped his face and gave him a kiss. “Mm. I love smooching you.”

“Smooching?” He laughed. “You are so damn cute, I really can’t even stand it. If you want a drink you can have a drink. What would you like?”

“I would like a vodka martini now that I am legally twenty-one, the last of all my friends. I want to sit here and sip from a glass like a big girl.” Sure, that was part of it. But maybe part of it was that I didn’t want to freeze up and panic when it came time to get naked, not because I didn’t desperately want to have sex with him, but because I was terrified that I’d lost the baby, terrified that we could go through that again.

I didn’t want to think about it right then. So I found my own stool next to him and I talked and laughed with my friends and Jonathon and drank my martini. I’d been avoiding the situation for two weeks and I knew I couldn’t avoid it forever, but just for tonight, while I was feeling the giddiness of knowing Jonathon cared about me, I was going to keep on with the ignoring.

Which meant the buzz that had been dulled came roaring back and by the time we left the bar, I was feeling sassy. It took three times as long to walk back as it should have because Jonathon and I kept stopping in doorways to make out.

“Oh, God, I want you so much,” he murmured as we grinded on each other in the alcove in front of the record exchange shop.

I saw the retro LP album cover posters on either side of us, the cold wind whipping behind us, but neither really registered. My head was spinning, with vodka and love and desire, and I wrapped my leg around his, wanting closer. “Take me.”

His fingers had popped the button on Rory’s jeans and were already down my pants. He was stroking me while we kissed and I couldn’t believe how good it felt, how hot and wet I was for him. “Oh,” I moaned. “Don’t stop. I’m going to come.”

“Really? Now that is fucking hot.”

It was. I let my head fall back and there on the sidewalk, with Jonathon shielding me from view, ears cold, yet body feverishly hot, I had an orgasm from his talented touch. I bit my lip and shuddered, forehead on his shoulder. “Shit.” My mouth felt thick and hot.

He pulled his hand out of my pants and redid the button. With a smile he said, “Let’s keep going. We may not be feeling the cold but it’s only twenty-five degrees outside.”

“I guess we don’t want frostbite in important parts.” I took his hand, his fingers warm and slick. Knowing what that was made me aroused all over again, and walking only reminded me of how wet and aching my inner thighs were.

When we went into the gas station to buy condoms, the fluorescent lights were harsh and I blinked, the warmth and the sudden need to act normal subduing. Jonathon picked up a twelve-count box and got himself a cup of coffee. I knew that I had a naughty little smile on my face. I couldn’t help it. I was very aware of me and Jonathon and I couldn’t wait until our bodies were perfectly aligned with each other.

He offered me a sip of his coffee as we stood in line behind a guy buying cigarettes. “Blow on it first,” he said.

I raised my eyebrows. He cracked me up. Because I couldn’t see it was hot? “Thanks.” I took a sip and then we were paying, the clerk trying not to react to our purchase, but doing a lousy job. He shook his head and said, “Man, I am so jealous of you right now. I’m stuck here until six.”

“Sorry,” Jonathon said. “But I guess there’s always morning sex.”

The clerk was big, like six foot five, with short curly hair. It shook when he laughed. “Except you need a girl, bro. Have fun.” He smiled at me. “Make him work.”

I laughed. It should have been creepy, but it wasn’t. He just seemed friendly and conversational, and, hey, who would want to be stuck behind the gas station counter on a Saturday night watching everyone come in, clearly out having fun? Not me. “Thanks.” I never needed to make Jonathon work. He just did. It was always way more about me than it was about him. I decided I needed to give him a little more tonight.

“So what is your favorite position?” I asked him as we left. “What is your fantasy for when we walk in the door?”

He gave me a sideways look. “Actually, I want you in nothing but that shirt and cowboy boots, right up against your door.”

I sucked in my breath. “Oh.” I was sorry I hadn’t waited until we were back to ask him. Because now my anticipation was only heightened. But we were already turning up the walk to my building.

Jonathon shoved the door open the minute I turned the key, grabbing my hand and dragging me up the stairs. I laughed. “Slow down!”

“Easy for you to say. You’re one up on me.”

True. I was already yanking my coat off as we entered the apartment and reaching down to yank my boots off. I undid my jeans and shoved them down as fast as I could. But he had already noticed how short they were.

“Why are your pants mid-calf? Is that a new style?”

“No, they’re Rory’s. I didn’t bring any jeans with me and when I decided we should come up to the bar, I wasn’t going to do it in pajamas.”

Jonathon was taking his coat and shoes off, too, but his eyes were trained on me. “I wouldn’t have cared if you had. I’m just glad to see you.”

I bent over a little, turning sideways, to drag down the jeans.

“On second thought, no, I prefer these.” His hands were suddenly on me everywhere, brushing over my front, my back, my breasts.

I reached for the button on his pants but he pulled away, his hand covering mine to stop it. “No. I want to make sure I’m wearing a condom first, before we go any further.”

I flinched inwardly, though I just nodded. He was right, he was being smart. But it definitely killed the mood, the spontaneity, just a little. While he was taking care of that business, I put the boots back on after skimming my panties off. Then I unbuttoned my shirt, removed the tank and my bra, then slid the shirt back on, leaving it flapping loosely open.

“Oh. My. God.” Jonathon stared at me, his eyes sweeping up and down. He had removed his shirt, but his pants were still loosely hanging around his hips, his erection rising enticingly toward me.

Yum. He looked seriously hot.

“You are like off-the-fucking-hook gorgeous.” His hands came up but he didn’t touch me, just moved down in front of me like he was tracing the outline of my body. “How did I get so damn lucky?”

“As a man of science I wouldn’t think you would believe in luck.”

He laughed softly. “Then thank God for whatever came out of my mouth that night that convinced you to give me the time of day.”

“I think it was more that you felt sorry for me.” I leaned against the door, putting my feet a little apart, gripping the lapels of the shirt.

He shook his head slowly, taking a step toward me. “I feel sorry for every man who isn’t me right now.”

Then he lifted my left leg and wrapped it around the back of his thigh, and he gripped my ass with one hand, the other arm on the wall behind my head. The first push of him inside me sent me up on my toes, a soft moan escaping my mouth. Jonathon didn’t hold back. It was hard, it was fast, my back slamming into the door with each rough thrust. This was what he hadn’t been willing to do before, when I was sick and still pregnant, and while I had mixed feelings about the reason, I was definitely enjoying it. I was also shocked to have an orgasm, in a good way. I didn’t think I could even do that, but suddenly bam, there it was and I was whimpering and clinging to him.

He was getting a little louder, his expression fierce, but then suddenly he pulled out and came with his hand on himself, over the condom.

“What . . . are you okay?”

He nodded. “Just making sure.”

Well, that was deflating. I had wanted him to have full satisfaction, and I immediately felt bad. “I’m sorry, you should have said something. I could have . . .” I covered his hand with mine, dropping back down onto my heels.

“It’s okay. It was amazing.” He kissed me. “I love you.”

My heart squeezed. Aw. “I love you, too.” His arms were around my waist inside the soft shirt, and his chest was warm against mine.

“I forgot to take my pants off,” he said.

I laughed. “Well, why don’t you do that and we can get in bed and snuggle?”

“Is snuggling the polite word for it?”

“I was talking about cuddling. What were you talking about?” I sat on the edge of the bed and bent my knee to pull one of the boots off.

He groaned, his hand going into his hair. “See, when you do things like that, it’s impossible to imagine just rolling over and going to sleep yet.”

The amazing thing was that he found me sexy without any particular effort on my part. That seemed almost too good to be true. He had taken off the condom and tossed it in the wastebasket and was already reaching for another one. I yanked off boot number two and watched him ditch his pants.

“So that was your first fantasy. What position would you like now? Doggie style?” I asked, because I was pretty sure every guy on the planet would choose that as his number one position.

But Jonathon shook his head as he came over to me. “As much as I can appreciate that position, I want to see your beautiful face tonight.”

How could I do anything but melt when he said things like that? I took his hand and lay back as he moved over me. “For a scientist, you prove yet again that you are actually quite romantic.”

“Let’s just keep that between the two of us.”

It was all just between the two of us. It was an intimacy, a bond, I had never experienced. He had seen me at my worst, my most vulnerable, and he had never wavered. He’d fallen in love with me. I could see it in his eyes, feel it in his touch, and I was in awe of it. I didn’t feel like I deserved it. Wasn’t sure I knew how to keep it.

But for right then, I was going to enjoy it. Suddenly, it felt like the scariest thing I could do was tell him how I felt. Sure, I’d already said it in the bar, but this was different. Here, in my bed, where both good and bad had happened between us, it meant more to me. So as he urged my legs apart, I stared up at him. “I am so in love with you.”

His response was to lean down and kiss me, his glasses slipping and smooshing between us. “Kylie Ann, I am so in love with you, too. And it only has a little bit to do with how you smell.”

I laughed. “Good to know. And how do you know my middle name?”

“I listen to everything you say.”

That right there was what made him so sexy hot.

He listened to me.

To my words, to my actions, to my body.

When we finally drifted off to sleep an hour later, I already felt different, like the anxiety of the last six months were a balloon that had a pinprick, and all the air was finally out. Like I could close my eyes and sleep in peace, shoulders relaxed, mind clear and free of worry.

Happiness. I’d missed that crazy and elusive bitch.

*   *   *

When I woke up, Kylie was still asleep, her naked body draped across mine. I reached for my phone to see what time it was and noted the date. That was ironic. Kissing the top of her head, I questioned how it was statistically possible for a guy like me to end up with a girl like her. I could account for it if I were rich, in the tradition of nerds who change the world and get a hot chick to boot. But I was just a grad student with a possibly unhealthy interest in kinetics. I wasn’t exactly sure what she saw in me, but I wasn’t going to question it any further.

She gave a little sigh as she woke up, wiggling against me.

“Guess what today is?” I asked her.

“Sunday?”

“It’s Valentine’s Day.” A holiday I frankly despised, given that it had morphed into a commercial marketing ploy to sell flowers and chocolates under the pressure of being a romantic failure if you didn’t comply. Yet no one seemed to discuss the fact that St. Valentine had been beheaded, hardly a well from which romance should spring. But it was fascinating to note that now that I was head over ass for Kylie, I was perfectly willing to believe the bullshit surrounding February fourteenth.

“Really? Aw.” She strained to give me a kiss. “That’s perfect.”

It was. “Happy Valentine’s Day.” But now that I was fully awake and she was moving around, I was starting to get hard, which made me nervous. I held her around the waist, but I rolled to the side to snag my underwear off the floor. When I started to stick my feet through them, she blinked at me.

“What are you doing?”

“Putting my underwear on. It makes me nervous when we’re naked and parts are touching without protection.”

She looked annoyed, but she had to know it only made sense. She didn’t say anything, though.

“Can you maybe go on the pill?” I asked her. “I know you had reasons you didn’t want to, but I think it would alleviate a lot of stress for both of us if you did.”

“Do we have to talk about this right now?”

“We have to talk about it sometime.” Yesterday wouldn’t be too soon for me. I wasn’t going to be able to be stress-free until she was on some serious hard-core birth control. “If you don’t want to take hormones, you can get an IUD. That’s hormone-free.”

She sighed. “Fine. I’ll go to the doctor and talk to her.”

Why was she making me feel like a dick? It wasn’t something we could ignore. A little voice in the back of my head reminded me that she was barely twenty-one, and that a five-year age gap may not seem like much, but maybe it was when it came to certain things. Then I felt like a dick for real for thinking that.

“Did you have any plans for today?”

“Nope. Just a shit ton of studying. I’m doing awful in all my classes. Better than last month, but it’s hard to catch back up.”

“Is there anything I can help you with?”

“You can give me a portion of your brain.”

“That might be counterproductive given that once it leaves my body all parts of my brain will be non-functioning. But I can take you to the library or the coffee shop and pump you full of caffeine. I can also answer any chem questions you might have.”

“Okay.” She yawned. “Can we go out for breakfast?”

“Of course. Where do you want to go?”

“Somewhere that has pancakes. I heart pancakes.” She made a little heart with her fingers.

“Done.” I felt guilty for starting the day off with the touchy birth control topic. Then was annoyed with myself for feeling guilty. “I’m surprised I don’t have a hangover today. I drank way too much rum last night before you showed up.”

“I have a slight headache, I’m not going to lie.” She sat up and rolled her neck. “But I think coffee will fix it.”

I watched Kylie as she climbed over me and walked across the room in nothing but the shirt she had never bothered to take off. It was unbuttoned and flapped open as she went into the bathroom. She didn’t close the door, just sat down on the toilet right in my line of view. I’d never had a girlfriend who was so comfortable with her body and it was actually pretty awesome. Granted, I didn’t need or particularly want to see Kylie peeing, but I didn’t object to it, and the plus side of that liberated attitude was I got to see her strolling around naked.

Like when she flushed then stood up and stretched, her arms going over her head. “Should I take a shower?”

The questions she asked sometimes. They defied logic. But it was part of her charm. “Do you feel dirty?”

She grinned. “I always feel dirty when I’m with you.”

“I completely understand.” My hands were behind my head and I had put my glasses on so I could fully appreciate the view of her in that doorway. “Take a two-minute shower. No hair washing. That will keep us from breakfast for an hour.”

“Okay.” She yawned again and dropped her shirt.

Turning back to the bathroom, she leaned into the shower and turned on the water, giving me a shot that I would have loved to capture on film, except that I know full well no electronic source is ever fully secure and nothing is ever truly deleted. So I would just have to commit her image to memory, remember this day, this moment.

And there she was out of the shower just a couple of minutes later, toweling herself off. My God. I needed to remind myself a hundred times a day I was a lucky bastard.

While she got dressed I took a quick shower myself, then, holding hands and still groggy, we trudged off to the pancake house, where I saw a whole new side of Kylie. I’d never seen her eat much of anything, and watching her tear up breakfast was a different perspective. I liked how she smiled the whole time as we talked and laughed and ate, how she closed her eyes when she took particularly delightful bites, and how she bounced in her seat a little with excitement when they brought her extra whipped butter. There must be something completely freeing about being comfortable expressing your genuine emotions all the time. I would feel ridiculous showing that kind of enthusiasm.

Maybe that was why we were drawn to each other.

“You’re so good for me,” I told her. “You complement me.”

She made a face. “Well, everyone likes to be complimented. Didn’t your other girlfriends tell you were hot? Or that you have a fab penis?”

I choked on my coffee. “No, not that compliment. Complement, as in a our personalities together create a perfect balance.”

She started laughing. “Oh. Well, they sound exactly the same spoken.”

“Very true, they do.” And I appreciated that she could laugh at the mistake, one anyone could have made in that context. “But now that you mention it, no, no one has ever told me I have a fab penis.”

“Bitches,” she teased.

“Seriously. What’s a guy have to do to get a compliment around here?”

“A guy just needs me.” She gave me a sunny smile behind her coffee mug. “Your penis is glorious.”

“Yeah.” My laughter died out. “He does need you.”

I did.