CHAPTER SIXTEEN

“Jonathon is harassing me to go on birth control,” I told Jessica as she fiddled with giving me false bangs as practice for school.

“This doesn’t look right,” she said, frowning at me.

“Did you hear me?” This was becoming like the biggest obstacle in an otherwise perfect relationship. Jonathon pretty much wouldn’t walk into a private room with me without wearing a condom. I was starting to suspect he wore a condom when we went to the coffee shop to study, and it seemed to be getting worse not better as the weeks went by.

“Yes, I heard you. But I mean, I kind of see his point. It’s not like condoms worked out so great for you guys.” She yanked the fringe out, clearly discontent with it.

“Ow. That hurt.”

“Sorry. So why don’t you go on the pill? I’m on it. Rory is on it. Even Robin is on it, and she’s like homeopathic and vegan and like whatever else you can be now that is hippie-ish. The modern version of the pill is supposed to be perfectly safe to take for years and years.”

“I’ll never remember to take it every day. You know this about me. Condoms are actually safer.”

“Then tell Jonathon that.”

“I did. He told me to set an alarm on my phone and we’ll use condoms as a backup plan.”

“That’s a good idea.”

“Why are you taking his side?” I pushed my chair back, annoyed with her hands in my face. We were in her kitchen, the chili that was their dinner simmering on the stove.

“I’m not taking sides. But if I was forced to, I would always be on your side. However, I don’t see anything wrong with being extra cautious.” She folded her arms over her chest and reread the directions on her tablet screen. “I’m going to be a beauty school dropout.”

“So you think I should go on the pill?”

Riley walked into the kitchen right then, headed for the fridge. He heard my words, froze, then promptly turned around and tried to leave without getting whatever it was he had come in the room for.

“Hey! Riley!” I wanted someone to validate I wasn’t being unreasonable. “Don’t you think it’s my decision whether or not I go on the pill?”

“Yes,” he said so quickly I wondered if he had even really heard the question.

“Do you think Jonathon should have a say in it?”

“Yes. Can I have a beer now?”

Jessica laughed when I made a face. “You asked him.” She turned to her boyfriend. “Yes, you can have a beer.”

“Why should he have a say in it?” I pushed.

“Because if you get pregnant, it’s fifty-fifty his responsibility. So even though the pill is going in your body, he should at least be entitled to say he would prefer that you use a more reliable source of birth control.” Riley got his beer. “Now don’t throw that wig thing at me. I’m just being honest from a guy’s perspective. Condoms can cramp our style. Not because they’re messy and whatever else, but because you always worry that something will go horribly wrong from a hole to a slip. And there’s nothing sexy about that.”

“Wig thing?” Jessica asked him. “But otherwise, I totally agree with you.”

I wasn’t entirely sure why I was so resistant to the idea of going on the pill. I just knew I didn’t want to. Part of me wondered if it made me feel immature to have Jonathon suggesting what I do and even giving me helpful hints on how to be successful at it, like using my phone as an alarm. Part of me also wondered if I actually wanted to get pregnant again. That couldn’t be, though. Who would be insane enough to want that, right?

Clearly not Jonathon.

Which was most likely the root of the whole issue for me. He was so clearly terrified of another accidental pregnancy that it made me oddly sad. It made me wonder what would have happened if I hadn’t miscarried. It was an absolutely pointless line of thinking, but for some reason I couldn’t seem to stop it. I was preoccupied with thoughts of Jonathon finding someone smarter than me who had an IUD and didn’t want children until she was thirty-five. Someone nothing like me.

I wasn’t even sure why I had those insecurities. It wasn’t like he wasn’t saying and doing to the right things. It had been three weeks since Valentine’s Day and he was awesome, a wonderful boyfriend. I didn’t see him as much as I would have liked, but he had classes and a job and tutoring and lab time. Real stuff. But he always managed to text and call and see me whenever he could. But he was just so mature. He was applying for real jobs and had even gone on an interview with a plastics company for a chemist position. It made me feel immature and more than a little bit like a loser. I was barely passing the semester and he was being called for interviews for jobs with salaries that made my head spin.

Part of me also wondered if maybe, instead of college, my calling was to be a mother.

I found myself fantasizing as I walked past those baby gym classes and I knew that was bad. Really bad. Nothing I could share with Jonathon or he would take off so fast he would make a running vampire look like a slowpoke.

Sighing, I put my head in my hand and rested my elbow on the table. “You’re probably both right.”

“Look, I would shit myself if Jessica got pregnant and I’m the same age as Jonathon. The fact that he didn’t bolt tells you he’s a good guy. Throw him a bone, ease his anxiety for him, you know?”

“Are you saying you would bolt if I got pregnant?” Jessica asked, the corner of her mouth turning up in amusement as she refastened the bangs to my hair.

“No, I’m saying I would shit myself. That is hard-core responsibility.”

Said the guy who had been taking care of his brothers and a house and mortgage for years. It was weird what people considered their capacity.

“Okay. Thanks, Riley.” I looked in the mirror at Jessica’s second attempt. “I look like a drunk Christina Aguilera.”

“Nothing wrong with that. I bet she’s fun to party with.”

“I have a bigger problem.”

Riley was in the middle of lifting the lid on the chili to sniff it, but he paused. “Crap. Why do I have a feeling this is going to be even more awkward? Can you just let me leave right now?”

“No. I’m pretty sure Jonathon’s father hit on me and I don’t know what to do about it.” Talk about awkward.

“Oh, shit, for real?” Riley looked horrified, and then immediately pissed. “You tell Jonathon, that’s what you do. Christ, Kylie. That is so not cool.”

“I can’t tell Jonathon! What if he doesn’t believe me?”

“Why wouldn’t he believe you? What happened exactly?” Jessica asked.

“He asked to see me after class so I went up to his desk and he suggested again that I drop his class. I said Jonathon was helping me study. He said unless Jonathon took the midterm for me there was no way I was going to pass. Then he said that if I like the son, maybe I would appreciate the father even more, and that if I went back to his place and was very nice to him, he would see what he could do to help me pass.” The words all came out on a rush, and frankly, sounded even worse in retelling that they had at the time. I had been upset, and disgusted, but I hadn’t been afraid. Mostly annoyed that I had to deal with this kind of bullshit. But now I felt more than annoyed. I felt downright pissed.

“No, I guess there is no mistaking that.” Jessica made a face. “God, what an asshole. A creepy asshole. First of all, the breach of power is disgusting. Second of all, he’s your boyfriend’s father. Third of all, doesn’t he know he’s just an old nerd? Why would anyone want to have sex with him?”

Riley gave her a look. “Jess, if the dude thought chicks would voluntarily nail him, he wouldn’t be blackmailing them. Side note—taste this chili. I don’t think I put enough cayenne in it.”

“You made the chili?” I asked Riley.

“Of course I did. You don’t think Jess cooks, do you?”

“No, I guess not.”

“She heats stuff up, that’s about it. But she can vacuum the shit out of this house. We split the household stuff.”

He looked proud of that fact, as he should be.

I knew that right now Riley made way more money than Jessica did waitressing, because she worked limited hours because of school. But once she graduated and got a job in a salon, she would probably come pretty close to equaling his income, and they would continue on the same path. That had to make it easier. Rory and Tyler, on the other hand, were going to flip completely once Rory graduated med school and I wondered what that would do to their relationship. It seemed Tyler wondered, too. Now, Tyler made the money and she made absolutely nothing, living off him and loans and her dad’s willingness to pay her tuition. They seemed to be equal in terms of who did what around the apartment, and the same went for Robin and Phoenix. He was paying all their bills while she went to school.

Jonathon and I would never be equals. He would always make way more money than I would and he would hang with uber smart colleagues every day while I would be with five-year-olds.

“Definitely more pepper. Anyway, you have to tell Jonathon about his dad.” Jessica looked at me in concern. “I actually think you should complain to the university but I know you and I know you won’t do that.”

“No, I’m not going to do that. It’s his father! How can I do that?” The thought made my stomach clench. “I don’t think this is a common occurrence. I just think he thinks I’m easy because I got pregnant.”

But even as I spoke the words, I worried that maybe he had pulled this with other students. God, how could I stay quiet and risk some other girl getting pressured by him? “Maybe I should try to get his threats in writing before I go to the dean of the department.”

“I doubt he’ll put anything in writing. He’s too smart for that, don’t you think?” Riley asked.

“Men are not smart when it comes to getting busted misbehaving,” Jessica scoffed. “Hello, Anthony Weiner. John Edwards. Bill Clinton. Arnold Schwarzenegger. Tiger Woods. Should I continue?”

“I get the point.”

“That’s what I need to do, then,” I said, feeling empowered. “I can’t let him get away with this.” My thought was that I would confront him with the evidence and make him repent and agree to never do it again. That way Jonathon wouldn’t have to know his father was a pervert. Professor Kadisch wouldn’t lose his job. I wouldn’t lose Jonathon. If he wasn’t contrite, I would go to the dean.

It seemed simple. Plausible.

It was stupid.

So totally stupid.

And when that became apparent, all I could think was that I was as dumb as everyone had always insisted I was.

*   *   *

Sometimes I looked at my girlfriend and I knew exactly what she was thinking or what she was going to say. Granted, I couldn’t always predict the particular Kylie spin she might put on phrasing, but I knew the general idea of what she was going to say, or the emotion behind it.

But then other times, I realized I had no clue what went on in that gorgeous head of hers.

Such was the case when I came out of my room post-sex to get a drink and Devon was sitting at the kitchen table, biting his fingernail and eyeing me nervously. “What?” I asked. He looked guilty.

“I didn’t mean to look,” he said. “I swear. But her phone was just sitting here on the table while you two were doing your thing and I glanced at it automatically when it buzzed because we are essentially programmed to do that. It’s Pavlovian.”

“Okay.” I popped the top on my soft drink and came over to the table. “What did you see on her phone?” I had a feeling it was Nathan sending her some lame vow of love. I suspected he still texted her from time to time, though I trusted that she was completely not interested.

“Your dad texted her.”

I choked on the sip I had just taken. “My dad? What the fuck? Are you kidding me? How did you know it was him?”

“It came up as Professor Kadisch.” Devon looked horrified. “Dude, I’m sorry, I wasn’t trying to creep. But when I saw that, I couldn’t help it. I read it. He’s trying to get your girlfriend alone and I don’t think he has extra credit in mind, unless extra credit is a new euphemism for blowing him.”

My face felt instantly hot, my gut tight. I squeezed the can in my hand so hard liquid sloshed over the side. Kylie was half asleep back in my bedroom. The fact that she had left her phone out on the table with no lock indicated she had nothing to hide, right? Yet I still glanced back down the hallway as I reached for the phone.

There it was. Professor Kadisch.

Make sure you have at least an hour.

“He could be planning to help tutor her.” Not that my father was big into helping his students. He was of the camp that you either sank or swam.

“Oh, look at the one before that. The one before the text from Jessica asking her to let her wax her eyebrows for practice. It’s a picture, you know, which when small like that is hard to decipher but shows certain characteristics of . . .”

I was already opening it, figuring the hell with it. She could be pissed at me if she wanted for invading her privacy. But it was my father and his . . . “Oh my God! It’s his fucking dick!”

“Shh!” Devon shot a frantic look down the hall. “I know! What the hell? Who sends a picture of his junk to a student?”

“I’m not sure which is worse! That she’s his student or his son’s girlfriend. Oh my God, I’m going to lose it.” I paced back and forth, shaking with anger. “Oh my god, oh my God, oh my God.”

“It’s not even good junk,” Devon said. “From what I can tell, he’s only semi-erect.”

I held my hand out. “No. Just no. We are not going to study the junk in question and evaluate it, for fuck’s sake. I’m going to throw up, seriously. Never under any circumstances should a guy’s girlfriend see his father’s semi-erection unless the bathroom door lock is busted and she accidentally walks in. This is just beyond wrong.”

“Sorry.” Devon looked contrite. “I think I need a drink. Want to do a shot with me?”

“No. Yes. No.” I started scrolling back through the text exchange. “He has been texting her for three days. Three days. And every single one is an exercise in dirty old man.”

We can work something out. You just have to use your assets to advantage and you have some serious assets.

The only thing that would be better would be if you had a uniform. Haha.

The more you’re willing to do, the better the grade. Since you’re failing, you’re going to have to work hard at it, from all angles.

I tossed the phone down, hand shaking. “I’m going to kill him. I’m seriously going to kill him. That is my girlfriend he is sexually harassing.”

“So why didn’t she say anything to you?”

“I don’t know.” Maybe because who wants to tell someone their father is a pervert? “But the truth is, until the penis pic, he didn’t said anything that was technically inappropriate.”

“Oh, come on. You’d have to be a moron not to read the truth there. It’s screaming innuendo.”

“Kylie’s answers are just in response to his. There is nothing suggesting she realizes what is happening. I don’t think she knows he is being disgusting.”

“Oh, come on!” Devon looked at me in disbelief. “Seriously, Darwin? Look, I know Kylie isn’t the brightest bulb in the pack. Far from it. But a girl like her knows when a perv is hitting on her.”

Now my anger shifted to Devon. “And what kind of girl is that, can I ask?”

“Don’t get all worked up. You know I like Kylie just fine, and I’m jealous as hell that you get to sleep with her. But come on, she is not a smart girl, plain and simple. She can’t understand basic math and science. She thinks the Big Bang Theory is just a TV show and that a tomato is a vegetable. Her whole life has been about her looks, and she knows when a guy is looking to click her LIKE button.”

“Shut the fuck up. Seriously.” I was so angry I couldn’t even see straight. I’d never felt rage like that. Between my father and Devon, I was barely containing a tight, raw, explosive anger.

“So that’s what you think of me?” Kylie asked, in the doorway, in my sweatshirt and basketball shorts. “I guess I can tell you honestly, then, Devon, that I’ve always thought you were an arrogant asshole who was compensating for a small penis.”

“Hey, hey, now!” Devon protested. “Don’t be pissed, Kylie. I wasn’t saying anything negative about you.”

“Calling me a moron isn’t negative?” Her eyes snapped and she glared at him, then me. “What the hell is going on?”

“My father sent you a picture of his dick.” I waved her phone in the air. “And you’re right. Devon is an asshole.” I glared at him. “Don’t ever talk about Kylie like that again.”

“If you are both going to persist in ignoring the obvious, which is the IQ elephant in the room, go ahead. Be my guest.” He stood up.

Which was when I shoved him. It wasn’t premeditated. It just happened. But seriously. Enough was enough.

He shoved me back but I had better balance and stayed mostly in place.

“Stop it!” Kylie yelled at him, and maybe me, I don’t know, inserting herself between us. “Just knock it off. Devon, keep your opinions about my IQ to yourself, please, since Jonathon is your friend. And Jonathon, what are you doing? Why are you going through my phone?”

“Because it was sitting on the table and we saw that my dad texted you. So we looked and, lo and behold, Professor Penis. A picture of his junk.”

“No. He couldn’t have.” She reached for her phone. “Let me see.”

“Hell, no!” We had a bit of a thumb wrestling match for her phone, which I won. “You are not looking at my father’s nasty text!”

“He’s only semi-erect, anyway,” Devon said. “You’re not missing much.”

“You’re not helping!” I turned my back so Kylie couldn’t snag her phone back. “And I’m deleting this.”

“Don’t delete it! Don’t you think the department should see that?”

I paused. “The department? What do you mean?”

“Well, I suspected that he was hitting on me, offering to bump up my grade in exchange for sexual favors, but I couldn’t prove it. I figured if he texted me, then people would have to believe me.”

“So you knew? You knew and you let it keep going?” Was she for real? Was she insane? “My God, Kylie, how could you be so fucking stupid?”

I knew it was the worst possible thing to say the minute the words left my mouth. I didn’t mean that she was stupid, stupid. I meant that entrapping my father was a serious lapse in judgment.

But immediately her face froze then crumpled, before tears sprung to her eyes.

“Kylie, I’m sorry, that’s not what I meant . . .”

She smacked at me when I reached for her. God, why did I use that word? It was her personal Achilles’ heel, her insecurity, and there I had just blasted her for it.

“You’re right,” she said. “I am stupid. Stupid for believing that you could love me for who I am.”

“Aw, baby, come on, you’re not stupid. I do love you exactly as you are. I love everything about you.”

“But you think I’m too dumb to figure out your dad is hitting on me?”

Kylie grabbed at me until I either had to drop the phone or push her aside, which I wasn’t going to do. She triumphed in gaining her phone, then turned, tossing her hair over her shoulder. She was heading for the door.

Shit. Shit. And shit.

“Come on, don’t leave like this!” I was starting to panic. She wasn’t really going to just walk out. It was eleven at night and it was March. The temperature was thirty degrees out and there was snow sludge that had been melting during the day, but very possibly could be refreezing now, rendering the sidewalks slick. “There is no way I’m letting you walk home.”

She rounded on me. “You are not my father, okay? You may think I’m an idiot and you may think that I need your big brain to take care of me, but I managed to survive until twenty-one years old without your handling of me, so just go suck it.”

I wasn’t even sure what the hell to say to that. She completely caught me off guard. Her father? She thought I acted like her father?

“I’m not letting you walk home alone at night,” I insisted, ignoring all that other shit.

“Devon can drive me home.”

“What?” Both Devon and I recoiled. “I’ll drive you home!”

“No. Devon can do it as an apology.” Kylie was stuffing her feet into her boots.

“But if he can as an apology, why can’t I?” There was no logic to that.

“Don’t get all fucking logical on me!” she shrieked. “I’m furious with you. So unless you want me to walk, Devon is driving me.”

Oh my God, and then some. Jesus. Since I didn’t want her walking alone, I would bow to her wishes. Now. But then we were going to have a conversation about this and she was going to understand that I hadn’t meant to insult her. I had just been totally caught off guard by my father’s nastiness.

And just what was she doing trying to create some sort of sting operation all on her own? What the hell?

“Fine. Devon, drive her home.”

“But . . .”

“Drive her home!” I paced back and forth, completely pissed off. I scratched at my new tattoo, the numbers indicating the date I’d met her, the same date we had conceived the baby we’d lost, on my forearm, where I could always see them.

It was healing and it was itchy.

“Fine.” Devon made a face but he went for his car keys and his shoes. “This wasn’t my fault. I just want to confirm that everyone knows that.”

“Stop being a selfish douche bag for about two seconds,” was all I could manage to say to him. “Kylie, baby, are you sure you don’t want to stay? Let’s talk this through.”

“What’s there to say? I’m stupid and I’m going home. If you follow me, I will never speak to you ever again.”

That left me so many options. Not.

So I just threw my hands up and sat back down at the kitchen table to grind my teeth and twitch.

The minute they left I called my father and told him precisely what I thought of him. I finished it with, “If you ever even look at Kylie again, I swear, I will rip your fucking nuts off and stuff them down your throat.”

It seemed even I was capable of rage when the woman I loved was a target.