What have I done?

I had been kneeling in my grandparents’ chapel, away from town and away from Father Cameron, since sunrise. Shame and guilt tortured me. I couldn’t eat or sleep and wondered whether my words – apologies, to be exact – this morning would even be heard. I was a sinner who’d seduced a priest. I wore that enticing dress on purpose, and I kept longer eye contact with the intention of being noticed. It was me who brushed by him in the line, and it was me who couldn’t stop thinking about him. I drew him toward me, and now I had endangered not only my life but his. If anyone ever found out what I’d done… if anyone ever connected us, Cortez wouldn’t only be after me but after Father Cameron as well.

Maybe it is time to leave Pace?

I should have kept my distance, but I chose to get closer and closer. I made that choice. I asked him to sin with me. At this moment, I felt like my sins weren’t the only ones I was responsible for. I was responsible for mine as well as his.

Despite my guilt, there was still that deep desire in my chest, one that wouldn’t go away, as well as happiness that I couldn’t explain, and each time I thought back to that moment where my back was pressed against the kitchen table and my thighs felt the friction of his hips, I couldn’t stop smiling. The pulsing intensified in my core as I lusted for him. There was not a sting of remorse in my heart for what I’d done, and if I had the chance, I’d do it again. I would sin again. And again. And that was yet another sin.

I lifted my head, my gaze resting on the cross above. The orange hue of sunlight from a side glass stained window illuminated the nailed figure. It was only then that I realized the enormity of my sin and found it difficult to swallow. My head fell forward and just hung for what seemed like forever, wobbling from time to time. My mother would have been disappointed in me. Why did I have to fall for a priest? A stray teardrop fell to the beam where I rested my elbows.

Was praying even worth it? Because if I couldn’t forgive myself, how could I ask God to? Especially for something I didn’t regret and didn’t want forgiven. I lifted my bowed head and looked through the glass stained window at the chapel’s side, which disbursed the morning sun into different colors, casting the light in a vibrant pattern.

My knees felt bruised, and I stood up. The joint cracked and I massaged the area as I sat on the side bench underneath one of the windows. As I stepped in front of it, my one-inch heel caught between the boards in the process.

Great!

I tugged my leg, trying to wiggle my foot out, but the heel wouldn’t budge. I finally removed my foot from the shoe and crouched down to the floor. When I stood up, I turned around, lost balance, and screamed.

“Kate, it’s me. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to scare you.” Father Cameron caught me by my arm.

I clutched my heart, holding on as my pulse rushed through my veins.

“Oh, it’s okay. I… I didn’t hear you come in.”

How could I not have heard him? These boards squeaked as soon as a fly sat on them. Okay, maybe not a fly, but a mouse could definitely set one off.

“You were lost in prayer. I didn’t want to interrupt. Do you mind if I have a seat?” He gestured to the bench with his hand.

“No, go ahead. I was about to take a little break as well.”

I stepped sideways on the boards and they squeaked again as I rested on the side bench. I folded my hands over my lap and reached for my left knee, which was hurting more than the other.

“What happened there?” he asked.

“It’s from kneeling. The wooden boards aren’t as comfortable as the cushioned kneelers at church.”

“How long have you been kneeling?”

I didn’t have my watch or my cell phone. This morning, as I’d prayed, all sense of time disappeared. Looking at the higher sun, a good few hours must have passed.

“It’s been a while,” I answered.

“I looked for you at the church, then at home. I stopped by Lola’s as well.”

“Was she the one who gave up my hiding spot?”

“I’m sorry that you feel like you have to hide, and I’m sorry for what I did.”

“I hope you’re not sorry, because I’m not. I try to be, but I’m not. And as I recall, it wasn’t only you.”

“No, it wasn’t. But I should have known better. I tested your faith, and now you have regrets. You’ll have them for the rest of your life.”

“Like I said, it wasn’t just you, Ca… Father.”

He sighed and finally took a seat beside me. The old wood creaked underneath our weight. The bench wasn’t that long, and squeezing in was a little bit of a challenge, especially with both the need to keep my distance and the desire to be close to him.

“Does it help?” I asked.

“What?”

“Does praying help find the answers you don’t know you’re looking for?”

“That depends on you, Kate.”

“I’m pretty sure it will take a while, if not eternity, to make sense of… us. I’m… I’m so confused.”

“Have you spoken to Father John yet? He may be able to help.”

I shook my head. “What am I supposed to say? Hello, Father, how do you feel about your subordinate priest fucking a woman? By the way, I might be your step-daughter.”

Father Cameron winced.

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to swear.”

“It’s all right. You don’t need to talk to him in such detail. Talk to him on a spiritual level first.”

“I don’t think that’s such a good idea just yet.”

“You know, you could always talk to me.”

“You already know what I did and that I’m going to hell. And what if I talk to you and hell begins coercing me to… you know, do it again?”

Not that hell would have a tough job doing so. It wouldn’t. Wanting Father Cameron even more than I did last night scared me; and my obsession for him wouldn’t ease.

“I’m doomed no matter what I do,” I sighed.

There was no way out of this. I should have accepted that having him touch me like that again was out of the question. It was a one-time thing, no matter how much I wanted it to happen again. Yet I was certain that my craving for him would never be satisfied.

“That only means I’m just as doomed, if not worse.”

“No, you can’t be. You’re…”

“A priest, a human, a sinner, a liar.”

“A liar?”

“I’ve lied to myself that I could do this job. I obviously lied to Father John. The more time passes and the more days I spend with you, I begin to realize that my path may not be what I thought it was.”

What was he saying?

“Wait – you can’t quit being a priest because of… of what we did.”

My heart skipped with an extra beat of hope.

“I wasn’t thinking about quitting. Kate, I wish I could tell you how much last night meant to me. At the same time, I wish I could tell you that it meant nothing. I wish I could push you away; but it’s not that simple.”

“I know,” I whispered. “That’s what makes it so confusing. It feels wrong and right at the same time, but which one is it?”

Him sitting next to me, the heat of his body on my arm, distracted me. A memory of his bare thighs against mine flashed through my mind.

“That’s why I’m sorry to have put you in this situation. Confusing you about your faith was the last thing I wanted.”

Another glance back in time, and my need for him grew. Something twirled in the pit of my stomach, and it couldn’t have been food because I hadn’t eaten this morning.

“How do I move past it?”

Because I sure as hell didn’t think that I could. Worse yet, I didn’t want to. Every time I closed my eyes, I saw us. Each time I heard his voice, I’d remember his deep grunts and loud exhales as he plunged inside me.

“Learn from yesterday, live for today, and hope for tomorrow,” he quoted, and closed his eyes. A ribbon of light danced over his cheek as he gently moved with each breath. Keeping his eyes closed, he said, “My father’s last words to me before I left were to find hope; and sitting here it feels like I did, but I don’t quite know what to do with it.”

I couldn’t help but grin. He had found Hope. He’d found me.

“Can I trust you? Can I truly trust you, Father Cameron?”

“Yes, Kate. Of course you can trust me.”

I let out a long breath. “‘Hold on to hope like it’s your lifeline.’ That’s what my mother always told me. That’s why she named me Hope. Kate is my middle name, after my grandmother, as you know. My first name’s Hope.”

“Not Kate?”

I shook my head.

His eyes opened wide. Father Cameron turned toward me, resting his elbow on the back of the bench. “So you don’t usually go by Kate? Can I still call you Kate?”

“I usually go by Hope.. My father, or I guess who I always thought was my father, called me Hope because he said that if there was anything in this world you couldn’t lose, it was hope. He got sentimental like that sometimes. I think it’s because he was raised in a foster home.”

“Really? So was my father. He always said it was the foundation that had made him a successful man. So… Hope Black,” he said.

“You’re the only one who knows me… ” I heard my own words slow down and take on a sensual meaning. I shouldn’t have been saying things like that to him. It would only become more difficult. This warm feeling I had in my chest for Father Cameron had to stop, and it had to stop now. “You’re the only one who knows who I am. I’m sorry. I never meant to mislead you.”

“I feel like I’m getting to know you all over again, Hope Black. I think I like Kate better. It gives you an edge. What I’m trying to say is that I like you. I like you a lot, whether you’re Hope or Kate, and I’m not sure how to stop it. You’re finding your roots and your life is making much more sense, and that makes me happy for you. Hope.” He repeated my name and grinned.

“Are you thinking about me in a bikini?” I asked.

“No, I’m thinking about you without one.”

I gasped, and then resting my elbows on my knees, I lowered my head to my hands. “Cameron, what are we going to do?”

“You need to confess to Father John.”

“But I’m not sorry.”

“Kate, you don’t know how much I want to tell you that what you did, what we did, is not as wrong as it seems. I’d do anything to take that guilt I know you’re feeling away, but I can’t. Only you can. I can’t expect you to trust me or to ever trust another priest again, and I’m sorry for that. I’m sorry I took that trust away from you.”

I lifted my head again and swept the tears off my cheeks with my hand.

“You weren’t the only one in that kitchen, were you? So don’t try to take all the blame on yourself. I’m as much to blame for what happened, if not more. I seduced you.”

He laughed and shook his head in amusement.

“So, what happens now? Do we just forget about it?”

If that was his choice, then how was I supposed to do that? How was I supposed to forget the way he held me in his arms, the way he kissed my neck and each of my breasts, and the way he felt when he was inside me? I wouldn’t, and I didn’t want to.

“Honestly, I don’t know,” I sighed. “I’ll go see Father John today. I’m afraid he’ll figure it all out. I don’t want to get you into any trouble.”

“The only trouble I’m in is the one I create, so if it’s deserved, I won’t argue.”

“What if he takes your license away? Is there a priest license?”

“No,” he laughed.

“Then he’ll expel you from the church.”

“Kate, I don’t want you to worry about me. I’m more concerned about you. But I’m glad to hear you’re going to see Father John.”

“Me too.”

“And you realize that what happened last night…”

“Can’t happen again. I know.” Though Father Cameron didn’t seem pleased with my answer. Did he want a different one?

He twisted my way and reached out to touch my cheek, but stopped himself.

“Right. It can’t happen again. I’m taking the next few days off. They were planned well before last night, so I don’t want you to think it’s because of you.”

He did know me well. That was exactly what I would have thought.

“Thanks for letting me know.”

“Can we talk some more when I return? I’d like to think that we can remain friends.”

Friends. That was all we could ever be — friends, without any benefits. At all.

Crap!

“I think I’m going to miss you.” I glanced at him from the corner of my eye and saw his mouth curve up.

“I’ll definitely miss you as well. I think some time apart will be good, though. We’ll both get to refocus.”

I doubted I’d ever be able to focus again. Not while Father Cameron was nearby, that was for sure; and at this point, it didn’t matter how many days we spent apart. I was afraid that last night would remain engraved in my mind forever.

“Pray that my sins will be forgiven.” I heard my voice lower.

Father Cameron took a deep breath and lifted my chin with his finger. Instead of listening to him, I concentrated on the erotic touch of his finger. In my mind, I knew that it wasn’t meant to be. I knew that he only needed my attention, yet that little touch managed to spike my longing for him.

“Kate?”

“Yes?”

“Would you do it again?” His voice lowered, and for the second time in the last minute, chills swept through my body, igniting my skin. My heart was beating hard against my chest, vibrating in my eardrums. This time, I felt his fingers on my face. Father Cameron dragged them away from my chin, up my jawline and ended the contact there.

I opened my eyes and whispered a weak, “Yes.”

He twisted again. I could feel his stare on me, but Father Cameron didn’t say anything. When I joined his gaze, his blue eyes captured mine and I couldn’t look away. I didn’t want to. We were only a breath away from each other, and it felt like it wasn’t near enough. When he finally leaned back, I took a sharp inhalation, his distance somewhat shocking me.

“You need to see Father John, Kate. Talk to him, and don’t forget who you are. Not because of me or because of anyone else. You need to do it for yourself. I’m sorry I hurt you so much.”

He stood up and walked out the chapel. I sat on the bench, letting his words slowly soak into my heart. They stayed deep inside there as I waited for an answer. When a breeze swept through the chapel, I realized that it was too late for me. I feared that my heart had been stolen by a man who couldn’t keep it, and even if I repented, with Father Cameron in my life, my heart would sin for the rest of my life.