Jessica
I leave Kenneth to yet another meeting with his lawyer - they seem to be ramping up recently - and make my way to Gramps’ care home to visit for a couple of hours.
I usually stay longer than that, of course, but this evening…I have something else to do.
Something he picks up on immediately.
“What’s…wrong?” He asks, frowning at me from his wheelchair as he peers over the table at me. “Distracted by…that man of yours?”
His speech is so much better than it was that first week and it makes me smile every time I see him, just to be able to talk to him properly again. He’s still a little quiet, and he’s slower than I think he’d like, but I don’t care about any of that. I get to have the kind of conversations that I used to with him - they just take a bit longer, that’s all.
“No, it’s not that.” I say, even though a good portion of my mind is still wrapped up with Kenneth - with how good everything feels now that I’ve got his warm presence and the strength of his love back in my life. And, I’m not going to lie, with how good it felt to sit on his lap and feel him harden under me—
“Well?”
I blush, reminding myself those really aren’t appropriate thoughts to be having around my grandfather, and shrug a little self-consciously.
“Okay, well, maybe a little.”
He laughs, a low, almost coughing sound that took me a little while to get used to - but the sparkle in his eyes is as familiar as ever.
“Good. Good for you, Jessie.” He sounds delighted, and I know that he is.
I think he knew something was going on with me as soon as I started having sex with Kenneth, even though at that point I wasn’t even ready to admit it to myself. Surprisingly for him, though, he didn’t say anything or press me for an answer. He’s always been good at knowing when to do that - and I guess he could tell that it was a good thing for me.
But yesterday, I brought Kenneth to meet him. I wanted to. I’m spending more time with Abbie now - and I can see Kenneth encouraging her as we do, asking what she thinks of it being the three of us - and even though I’m a little worried it’s too fast…so far, she’s been happy and enthusiastic about it all. It’s made me want Kenneth to be a part of my family too.
So I told Gramps I’d met someone - I even admitted Kenneth was the same boy from all those years ago at school - and I was more grateful than I would have thought that when he met Kenneth again, he didn’t go on the offensive about how all that had ended. Gramps knows what it did to me, but you wouldn’t have thought it from the enthusiasm he greeted Kenneth with. It made me wonder whether he’s been more concerned about my lack of a relationship than he’s ever let on.
We managed to gloss over exactly how we met - and the small fact that Kenneth is also my boss - but I know we’re going to have to explain that at some point. Gramps is too astute not to work it out once he starts getting to know Kenneth, and starts asking about what he does. I’m hoping that will be after I find another job, though. That, and maybe if Gramps’ speech therapy continues going well, it might be an easier conversation to have.
“Something else too, hmm?” He frowns at me, and I realize just how distracted I am today.
“Sorry. Sorry, I should be focusing on you, I just—”
“No.” He says emphatically. “You.”
“I’m meeting Mom tonight.”
It comes out all in one go and I take a deep breath after I’ve said it. I wasn’t trying to keep it from him, I just…didn’t know how to say it. I knew that I would, though. I can’t keep something like that inside for long.
His eyes widen and he reaches for me with his good hand, which is still slightly shaky. I take it in mine, clasping it tightly.
“I only decided a couple of days ago that I wanted to.” I explain. “And…well, it all happened faster than I thought it would. I’m kind of glad about that, actually. I’m not sure I want anymore time to think about it.”
“Are you okay?” He asks, his voice more steady than I can remember it being for a while. Or maybe it’s just that my insides feel kind of shaky.
I nod. “Yeah. Yeah, I think I am. I mean, I don’t even know if she’ll turn up. If she doesn’t…well, I guess that’s the end of that. Maybe that would be easier, too. Maybe…”
“Jessica.” His concern is obvious, even in that one word, and I let out a nervous little laugh.
“I don’t really know what I want from it.” I admit. “But maybe I don’t need to know. Maybe I can just see…what it is. Maybe I won’t feel anything at all. Maybe…”
I shake my head, trying to stem the flow of words and thoughts and confused feelings.
“I think it’ll be okay, Gramps. Really, I do.” I squeeze his hand and give him a little smile.
Whatever happens, it will be okay. Because I’m okay now. I’ve got what I need. I’ve got Gramps and Kenneth, so everything is okay.
He gives me a long look, but finally nods, a deep sigh leaving him.
“Tell me…tell me how it goes?” He asks, and there’s a strange look in his eyes.
I get another stab of discomfort at the thought of how long it’s been since he saw her. His daughter. I know that in some ways, the feelings between them are even more fraught and painful than the ones I have for her, and I know that’s mostly because of me. He’s always been so angry about what she did to me. It’s a hard thing to think about.
“I will.” I say softly, not sure what else I can say - or even what he wants.
He’s silent for a long time, and when he looks back at me, his eyes are sad.
“There’s no excuse for leaving you, Jessica, but…don’t be…too hard on your…Mom.” He slows down to focus on what he’s saying, and a small shiver runs down my spine. “We didn’t always…do well…with her. It wasn’t easy - for any of us. We were…maybe…too hard. We just…wanted what was…best.”
I’ve never heard any of this and I can feel my heart in my throat as I listen. As far as I knew, Gramps had never regretted anything about what he’d done.
He looks up at me, a sad smile on his face, slightly lop-sided. “We did a better job…with you, I think. We learned better, but…”
“It wasn’t your fault.” I say immediately, repeating what he’s always told me. He doesn’t deserve to shoulder the blame for what she did anymore than me. “It was her decision. She could have come home at any time. You’ve been the best grandfather…hell, the best Dad I ever could have had, Gramps.”
I can see moisture glistening in his eyes and he squeezes my hand hard as I struggle to contain my own emotions.
“I tried.” He says softly.
“I know. I’ll always be grateful that you were there for me, no matter what happened or what I did. You were there, always.”
He nods, but I still catch the wistful expression on his face, and I wish I could ask him more. I wish I knew - that I had the chance to understand what had happened, all those years ago before I was even born. But it’s obvious that this isn’t the time to ask it - he already seems worn out from talking just that much, and I’m not sure I want it all in my head just before I see my Mom.
Whatever happened, it doesn’t change anything. She abandoned me for the whole of my childhood. She stood me up time and time again. Whatever he thinks he could have done differently - all of that is on her. He was the one that was there for me. Him and Grandma.
Still, I can’t help wondering what’s brought all this on - whether maybe something about the stroke, about how long ago it all was now…I don’t know. But if anything happened to him…and he has regrets…the thought of that crushes me a little.
“Do you want me to…pass on anything, from you?” I ask, hesitantly.
After she didn’t show up for my twenty-first, he’d sworn up and down he’d never speak to her again. But…but maybe some of that has changed.
He looks at me and seems to hesitate, his mouth moving for a moment. But then he shakes his head.
“No. No, you see her. I hope…it’s what you want.” He meets my gaze steadily, but I have to glance away. I’m still not even sure what I want from this. “But…whatever happens, I’ll be here, Jessica. You’ll be okay.”
He repeats my words from earlier and I nod.
I will. I know I will.
I’ll be here.
The same thing Kenneth said.
With both of them here to support me like that, how could anything my Mom does or doesn’t do today really affect me?
In the end, that’s why I made the decision. Just being with Kenneth again made the idea of meeting her easier - hell, it’s made me more confident in general. I still find it scary to be so deep with him so quickly - to trust him so much already - but it’s obvious the difference it’s made.
My life feels stable, for the first time in so long. I feel secure in a way that seemed impossible only a few weeks ago - and that was the only thing holding me back. I want to see my Mom. I don’t know why. Maybe just pure curiosity, if nothing else. But I want to do it.
And I’m finally going to.
* * *
Gramps and I tried to make small conversation about other things for a while longer - I tried to read to him, we attempted a puzzle together - but it’s obvious we’re both too distracted, and I leave even earlier than I was planning to.
I know he’s concerned about me and I promise to let him know I’m okay afterward - but I also know there are other things going on that he’s not saying and I wish I knew what they were. I really hope it doesn’t bother him that I’m seeing her again and that if it did, he would have said. I try to reassure him that whatever happens today, it doesn’t take away from everything he’s ever done for me - that whatever my Mom says, Grandma and him are my real parents and always will be. They’re the ones that raised me. I don’t think that’s the issue though.
It’s not until I’m halfway to the cafe we’ve arranged to meet at that it occurs to me that Mom never sent a letter to Gramps. Just to me. That thought makes me slightly uneasy and ridiculously, I contemplate canceling the whole thing. I know I’m probably just looking for any reason to, but still…now that it’s almost happening, I can’t shake the nerves.
The questions.
Will we even recognize each other?
What on earth do I say to her?
What does she expect from me?
What can I even give her, after everything she’s done?
I get to the cafe early, relieved to know I’ll have time to get a coffee and settle down before she arrives. It’ll give me time to sort through some of those wild thoughts and prepare for—
“Jessica?”
I freeze where I’m stood in line. The voice is familiar enough that I recognize it - despite the few times I’ve heard it, despite everything that told me I probably wouldn’t even know who she was, despite being early—
“Is that…is that you?”
I look over my shoulder slowly - and find I actually am right. I barely recognize the woman who looks back at me. Except…except…
That weird familiarity is still there.
Dark gray hair that falls around her face in a short cut, rough lines cut into her slightly haggard looking face and the same brown eyes that look back at me from the mirror every day. Apart from those eyes…
She almost looks like Grandma.
The realization startles me, but once I see it, I can’t help it. She’s got the same prominent nose and square-set face. I can see my Grandma in her, even more than I can see myself.
The age on her face surprises me too. She was young when she had me - only sixteen. She’s not old yet, not like Grandma was. But…she looks it. She looks…tired.
“What would you like?”
The voice from the counter breaks through the tumbling thoughts in my mind, in a semi-polite-semi-irritated tone that tells me it’s not the first time I’ve been asked.
“I—er—” I turn back to the woman behind the counter, even though it’s hard to snatch my eyes away from my Mom. I’m not sure I actually expected her to turn up. I was more ready to be stood up again than to have her suddenly there in front of me. The woman I haven’t seen for years.
I stammer out an order and ignore the impatient look I get from those around me as I pay and move to the end to wait for my drink.
I finally look back at where my Mom has come to stand near me, and I suddenly wish I’d had the time to work out what I wanted to say.
“H—hi.”
That’s all I manage to get out, but she gives me a gentle smile.
“Hi.”
My order is called out before I have to think of anything else to say and I take the drink with relief. I belatedly notice she’s already got a coffee cup in her hands and wonder for a moment how long she’s been waiting here.
I was early.
“Shall we…um…sit down?” I suggest, feeling awkward but just deciding to go with it.
This is awkward. I’m not sure there’s any playbook for meeting the Mom that abandoned you all through your childhood. All that’s on her.
I try to remind myself of that and it’s hard, even though it’s all I’ve been telling myself for days.
It’s not your fault. However this goes, however it works out, it’s not on you. Whatever you want here is okay.
“I’d like that.” She says, her voice softer than I remember it.
I nod and move toward a table at the back of the cafe, with none of the other tables around it occupied. I definitely want a little bit of privacy for this meeting.
I take the booth against the wall and she sits in the chair opposite - and then for a long moment, we just look at each other. I’d guess she’s as absorbed by what I look like as I was when I first saw her.
“It’s been so long since I’ve seen you.” She almost whispers it and I start feeling a little uncomfortable by the fascination.
“Um, yeah, I know.” I shrug, just about managing to avoid putting a bite into it.
I’m surprised that I don’t want to. There have been so many times that I’ve thought about everything I’d say to her - everything I’d ask if I got the chance. Mainly why.
Why didn’t you come back to us? Why didn’t you care? Why did you say you would, if you were never going to? Why even have me in the first place? Why, why, why…
Now that I’m here with her…well, maybe it’s just been too long, or maybe it doesn’t matter anymore. Maybe she doesn’t really matter to me anymore. That thought is painful in its own way. But either way, sitting here remembering all those questions…I’m not sure I even have anything to say.
“I didn’t think you’d come.” I say instead, shrugging slightly. It’s not even an accusation, just an explanation. “I don’t…I guess I don’t really know what to say.”
She nods, looking down for a moment before taking a deep breath.
“I know. That’s fair. I don’t expect you to say anything, Jessica, or do anything. I just…I wanted to see you so badly. I have for years now but I didn’t know how to—or whether I could—or if—” She swallows, glancing over to the side and then back to me. “For what it’s worth, I’m sorry, Jessica. For everything. I know that’s not enough and I know it doesn’t change anything - it can’t go back and rewrite the past - but I need to say it anyway.”
“For yourself?” I ask, before I can help it, some of the bitterness that I’d just been thinking I was over spilling out of me.
That would be typical. I’m not sure my Mom has ever thought about anyone else in her life. It was always what she needed.
She winces, then shrugs. “I guess I deserve that. And I don’t know, maybe. I’d say it wasn’t for me - but it seems strange to expect an apology to mean anything to you, after all this time. I think I hope it does anyway, but…well. Maybe it is for me.”
I nod, the bitterness sliding back into a familiar resignation. I’m starting to wonder why I came. What I ever expected from this.
“What do you want?” I ask, eventually.
She seems content to sit there and just look at me, but I’m not sure how I feel about that.
“I…I don’t know.” She takes another deep breath. “I don’t want to hurt you anymore, Jessica, more than anything—”
“You could have done that by staying gone.”
She nods, slowly. “Yes. I guess I could have - and if that’s what you want, I’ll leave Springfield again. You don’t have to have anything else to do with me.”
She pauses, seeming to wait for me to answer, but I don’t have a clue what I want. I’m just…confused, I guess.
When it becomes obvious that I’m not going to say anything, she shrugs again and continues.
“But if it’s at all possible…I’d like to get to know you. To see you a little. To have whatever part of your life you’d like to share with me, if that’s anything at all. I know it’s not going to be the relationship we—we could have had—but…maybe we could have something. If you want.”
I stare into my coffee cup, as if that could possibly hold any answers, my fingers slightly burned from holding it so tightly but some part of me relishing the physical discomfort, that slight distraction from everything going on around me.
“You don’t have to know the answer, obviously.” She adds when I don’t say anything, or even look at her. “I can wait as long as you need. If…if we do anything at all, it can be however you want.”
I still don’t say anything - and I idly wonder whether I look like a petulant child right now, but I don’t really care. That’s not what this is. It’s just…all a little too much. It’s awkward and hard and I’m not sure why I came and I can’t work out what to do about any of it.
“Why now?” I ask, out of nowhere, some of the why questions finally catching up with me. “There were years and years where if you’d appeared and wanted me, I would probably have forgiven you anything and you could have gone straight into being my Mom. Why did you come back now?”
“I’ve asked myself the same thing.” She says, sighing softly and raising her cup to her lips. “It’s been a long time. I think I was waiting until I felt ready…until I felt like I could handle the responsibility—”
“And you think you can now?”
Now that I’m twenty-eight and managing my own life just fine? Now that it’s easy and you don’t actually have to do anything?
This time, the bitterness in my voice is obvious - but she surprises me by shaking her head.
“No. I still wasn’t ready…especially with all the time that had passed, all the things that have built up…” She takes another sip of coffee, not seeming upset about my attitude as she quietly tries to explain. “But then I started wondering if I’d ever feel ready…so I decided to come anyway.”
It takes me a moment to try to reconcile that, to understand…something. I have no idea what to think.
What the hell does that even mean, anyway? Being ready? Ready for what, exactly?
I shake my head, all of this feeling like entirely too much for me, my emotions shifting between confused and incredulous as I look at the woman across from me. The one I expected so much from and got…nothing.
That’s suddenly the thing that hits me most and I can’t help it - the one question I’d tormented myself with for years finally bubbles up inside me, spilling over. I wasn’t sure it was still important anymore - and maybe it isn’t - but if any of this matters at all, that’s what I want to know. I look up at her and finally ask the only thing I’ve ever wanted to know, direct and unapologetic.
“Why did you leave me, Mom? Just…just…why?”
I try not to sound like the injured kid as I say it. I’m not sure how successful that is, but right now I’m not even sure I care. It’s the one thing that cuts right to the core of me.
Her face tightens with the obvious pain - and I hate the mixture of pity and sadness in her eyes as she looks at me.
She doesn’t get to pity you for the situation she caused, damn it.
When she finally answers, it’s with another long breath and it looks like she’s working herself up to it.
“I didn’t know how to be the Mom you needed, Jessica.” She says, her voice sad and almost resigned. “I was so young. I didn’t know how to be your Mom - and I didn’t know how to be the daughter Mom and Dad wanted, either. They knew what they were doing, better than I ever could, and I thought if I went away…made something of myself…I could come back and I’d be a better Mom for you. Someone you deserved—”
“You didn’t come back.” It’s hard not to grind out the words against the pain of everything she’s saying. Everything she promised me as a kid. It sounds just like that. “You said you’d come back to stay, but you never did.”
She nods, not trying to defend it. “I know. I wanted to but…it never felt like I got there. It never felt like I was good enough to be your Mom. And as time passed, it got harder and harder to think about it. I thought maybe it would be better for all of you - for you and Mom and Dad - if I didn’t come back. If I didn’t disrupt your life together—”
“That’s bullshit. All of it. The only thing I ever needed from you - the only thing I wanted - was for you to be there. I don’t care what kind of Mom you would have been. I don’t give a damn if you might have made mistakes. That’s how you god-damn learn.” It feels totally bizarre to be lecturing my Mom on parenting - me, who doesn’t even have a kid - but I go with it anyway, too much pent up emotion to contain. “The one thing that wouldn’t teach you how to be a good Mom? Disappearing to another State by yourself! The only thing I needed was you there. That’s what made you a bad Mom. Not being sixteen or clueless or anything else. Giving up on me, that’s the only thing you did wrong.”
When I finally run out of steam, finding myself almost breathless and struggling to get myself back together after the outburst, she just nods again. If I couldn’t clearly see the pain in her expression, I’d almost think she didn’t care from her non-reaction - but maybe she was just expecting this. I guess I would be too, if I was going to see a daughter I’d abandoned for most of my life.
“I know. I know that now. I shouldn’t have left you and I shouldn’t have stayed away. It took a long time, but eventually I realized that. I was stupid and—and I was scared, Jessica. I was scared for not being good enough for you all.”
“So you ran away.”
“I did. I’m sorry, Jessica. It was stupid - and selfish of me. I should have been there, and I wasn’t.”
She sits back, looking at me openly and honestly - and this time, it’s me that has to look away. As quickly as it had come, I can feel my rage start to ebb away. It’s not like I haven’t had these conversations in my mind a dozen times. I’d exhausted my anger at her years ago. As mad as it makes me, thinking about what could have been, or should have been, if she hadn’t been such a fucking coward…it’s hard to stay angry at someone who’s agreeing with everything you’ve said, and simply apologizing for it.
If anything, I just feel drained.
I let out a long breath and pick up my coffee to sip at it out of instinct more than anything else. It’s cold, but I don’t mind that so much. I just burned hot enough myself.
“I know I can’t make it up to you, but we can talk it out as much as you want. I’ll answer anything you want to know—”
“I don’t want to talk about it anymore.” I shake my head, feeling done.
I was done with thinking about all the painful things in my past before this meeting - and if anything, talking about it just made me feel more done. I’ve got an answer…but I’m not sure it even helps. I’m not sure it would have helped back then, either. It just makes me feel disappointed and sad about the whole thing.
“Do you want me to go?” She finally asks and I deliberately don’t meet her gaze. I’m not sure I can deal with seeing the compassion she obviously wants to give me right now. It’s strange to think that she has all these feelings for me and I…I don’t have a clue what I feel right now. Or what I want.
Not that that’s anything new.
Eventually, I slowly shake my head.
“I don’t know. I don’t know what I want.”
She’s quiet for a few minutes and we both slowly drink our coffee. It’s weird, but I’m not quite sure I’m ready for her to just…go. I’m just not sure I’m ready for anything else, either.
We spend some time like that in silence and while it’s not quite comfortable, it’s not too bad either.
My head feels a little like it’s stuffed with cotton - a strange numbness that hasn’t quite worked itself out yet. There are too many things going on, and I can’t quite work out whether I have too many feelings about them - or none at all.
You need time. Time for it all to settle.
I know that, but it’s hard to sit here feeling…confused.
“Maybe…” My Mom finally speaks up again, breaking into my attempt at not thinking about anything just yet. “Maybe we could just talk for a little bit? About simple things? I know I don’t know you, after everything, and you don’t know me…but I’d like to start.”
I look back up at her, hesitating. It’s obvious she’s trying for a soft, slow approach - but just as obvious how much she wants it. There’s a part of me that can’t help not wanting to let her down, even though I know that’s stupid. But I’m not sure. I can’t imagine trying to talk to her about…anything, right now.
“I’m…not sure I’m ready for that.” I admit, feeling conflicted.
It doesn’t seem like a big request, but…I don’t know whether I want her to suddenly be a part of my life. I don’t know whether I want to share that with her. And I have no idea how I’d feel if she started talking about her life right now.
She doesn’t seem upset by my reluctance, though, and just nods.
“That’s okay.” She gives me a small smile, and it feels weird that she seems to want to make me feel better about it. I’m not sure what I think of her looking out for me. “I know it’s going to take some time for you to work out what you want.”
I nod, but I don’t say anything, playing with my empty coffee cup instead.
“I’m…I’m really glad you agreed to see me today, Jessica. Whatever you decide, I’ll always be grateful about that.” She gives me another smile, but I shift awkwardly. I don’t think I want her gratitude. “I’ll give you some space to think about things. Will you…think about it, though? Whether you’d like to meet again?”
I nod slowly. I’ve got a lot to work out, but that’s definitely part of it.
I know enough to know it’s not a straightforward no.
“Yeah. I’ll—I’ll let you know.”
“Thank you.”
She rises smoothly from her chair and I can feel the way her eyes linger on me before she turns.
I hesitate another moment, but I know I’m going to feel terrible if I don’t say anything.
“Wait.”
She turns back, puzzled.
“I…um…there’s something I should tell you. Do you—can you sit down for a moment? Please?”
“What is it?” She asks, sitting back down with obvious concern. “I’ll listen to anything you have to say, Jessica, I want you to know that.”
Yeah, okay. Enough with the ‘being there for me’ crap right now.
“It’s not about me. I just…I thought you should know.” I can see her expression tighten and I take a deep breath. I have no idea how she’s going to take this. “Gramps…he had a stroke a few months back. And then another one more recently. He’s—he’s okay, but…well…this recent one has been tough.”
“Oh god.” She murmurs, her hand going to her mouth and emotions flickering across her face, too fast for me to read them.
“It’s, um, it’s okay.” I say, not knowing how to help her in the slightest. “He’s got support that’s really helping him and things are…they’re improving. Mostly, he’s just frustrated as hell not to be as independent as he’s used to.”
I try to give her a small smile with that, and she meets it genuinely, even if she still looks a bit shocked.
“Yeah.” She murmurs, more to herself than me. “I’ll bet.”
“I just…I didn’t think you knew, and I thought you might want to.” I finally say, shrugging slightly.
She nods. “Do you think…do you think I’d be able visit him sometime?”
I freeze, the question surprising me. I have no idea what he’d think of that. They haven’t seen each other in…I don’t even know how long.
Maybe she really has changed. Or worked some things out, anyway. Maybe she really does care.
I don’t like the thoughts, because they’re an echo of so many misguided hopes in the past, but I try to convince myself to be open minded about it.
“I…I don’t know. I’d have to talk to him about it.”
“Will you?” Her eyes catch on mine, bright and emotional. “Would you do that for me?”
I swallow, but eventually I nod.
She deserves that, at least. The chance. And so does he.
“Yeah. Yeah, I will.”
“Thank you, Jessica.” She says again, the words coming out in a breath. “And thank you…for telling me.”
“That’s okay.” I say, feeling a little bit awkward.
“I’ll…I’ll be around if you want to get in touch.”
I nod again and she lingers for a few moments longer. I get the feeling she’d like to stay, but she doesn’t push it and she stands up a few moments later. It feels weird watching her walk away - like an echo of my childhood, but without the desperate longing for her to come back or the desire to rush up and cling to her.
I try to shake the feeling off, raising my coffee cup to my lips before realizing it’s empty.
My head still feels a mess, but I think…I think I’m glad I did this.
I stay there a while longer and when I finally think to check my phone, just clicking on Kenneth’s name relaxes something deep inside me. I smile slightly at the feeling. Whatever happens with my Mom, if I’ve got him, it’s all going to be okay.
I message him automatically. He’ll be wanting to know I’m alright.
Me: It was okay.
That’s all I can say right now. The rest…I don’t know yet.
I put the phone back in my pocket and it buzzes almost immediately. Heh. I guess he was waiting for the message.
Kenneth: Want to come over and spend the night in my arms?
I blink, surprised, and then smile as the warmth of that idea rushes through me.
Me: Yes. Yes, I really do.