When I’d first gotten to Rose Falls, I was bored.

I thought there was nothing going on. I’d walk the streets and wonder how anyone could ever find anything to do here, wonder how they could be content with such boring, mundane lives.

And now, as I left Cobalt after one of the worst nights in recent memory, I couldn’t believe I had ever thought that. I’d felt more emotion here in Rose Falls than I had in practically a decade, and it was like finally being exposed to sunlight after years in a cave.

I felt raw. I felt rudderless. Like I never knew what each day might bring.

I was vulnerable.

And never had that been truer than tonight. I couldn’t begin to process the guilt I felt. Alcoholism had helped to ruin the only long-term relationship I’d ever had, over a decade ago—Leanne’s drinking had only gotten worse when she was cheating on me. I knew better than anyone how gutting it was to witness someone you love succumbing to a substance like that.

And yet, I’d unknowingly created that situation for Patrick. Maybe even a worse situation, since Owen was his younger brother. And while I knew I couldn’t take all of the blame because I didn’t know about Owen’s struggles, I still felt awful.

All of this conspired to make me feel like I was in a straitjacket as I finally left Cobalt at the end of the night. I knew this was part of the reason why I’d avoided any sort of serious relationship for so long—inevitably, someone was going to get hurt. I could feel myself slipping slowly back into the mindset I’d had back in the city, retreating back to the lifestyle I knew too well but had abandoned since getting to Rose Falls.

I paused for a moment as I left the bar, leaning against the brick wall, right where Owen had been earlier that night. I pulled out my phone, scrolling through the contacts aimlessly. I found Sean’s number. He had been one of my main hookups back in D.C. before I’d left for Rose Falls.

I shot him off a text.

>>TARAN: How’ve you been? I should be back in town soon.

An instant later, he replied.

>>SEAN: ready 2 see u, baby

>>SEAN: miss that big cock u have

>>SEAN: u gotta see this new rolex i got, it’ll make u hard

I stared at my phone, furrowing my brow. Was that really how Sean had always talked? Seeing it now, it made me feel sort of ill. I barely even knew him. I don’t even think I liked him. So why had I hooked up with him in D.C.?

I didn’t respond to Sean. I locked my phone and slipped it back into my pocket. Across the street, I could see a figure coming out of the mini-mart, and another one waiting outside. I watched as I saw that it was Andy, the guy who worked there—he was closing up the store for the night, and it was his boyfriend who was outside. After locking up the store, his boyfriend came up to him, and they embraced, sharing a sweet kiss before running their hands through each other’s hair playfully. Andy’s peal of laughter carried across the street as they walked off into the darkness.

They didn’t know I was outside, too, but I knew that they wouldn’t have done anything differently if they had noticed me. It was just a sweet moment between two boyfriends, and for some reason, it sent a surge of affection through me, hitting me stronger than I expected.

I turned, seeing the darkened sign for Brew for You further down the block. Flower petals still littered the street from all the spring blooms, but at this point, most of the trees had their leaves coming out. Summer was on its way, and I wasn’t going to be here to see it.

I realized that I was going to miss this street. I started to walk up the hill toward the Promenade, looking at everything that I once had found so dull. I even liked the fact that the streets were mostly empty at this time of night, something that I almost never had in my neighborhood back in D.C. It had seemed so dead to me when I’d first experienced that here. But now the streets couldn’t feel more alive. The slight breeze, the sweet humidity to the air, the occasional squirrel darting past my feet.

And of course, I knew Patrick was out there somewhere. He was likely still with Owen—I knew he wouldn’t leave Owen alone, not on a night like this.

Patrick was too good for that. He was too good for me, even. I couldn’t even bear to talk to him earlier that morning because I was too scared of my latent feelings for him.

I was sad to be leaving, but Patrick would be better off without me. I knew it, and I was sure that he knew it, too.

But it didn’t make it feel any less heartbreaking to know he’d soon be a part of my past.

* * *

“You don’t have to leave, you know,” Madeline said from across the table, a mimosa in her hand. Her gold earrings sparkled in the midmorning light—she looked radiant, even just sitting in a red t-shirt at her dining room table. No matter how badly I felt, Madeline always made me feel good. I was overjoyed when she’d invited me over for brunch.

“Oh, come on,” I said. “Of course, I have to leave.”

“Why?” Gretchen asked. It was one of the rare times I’d seen Madeline’s wife while I’d been in Rose Falls—Gretchen worked as a photographer and was frequently traveling to far-flung new locations. I was so glad that she was here this morning, dressed in one of her usual sleek, all-black outfits, her hair tied into a frazzled, curly bun.

“Well,” I said, “first of all, all my stuff is still back in D.C. And then, of course, there are my bars. No big deal, just businesses that I run.”

“Your bars that have been running just fine without you, the whole time you’ve been in Rose Falls?” she asked.

“Well… yes,” I said. I poked at a piece of cantaloupe with my fork, finally popping it in my mouth.

“You do realize that owners don’t need to be at their businesses all the time,” Madeline said. “You know my father owned six restaurants but spent most of his time on a golf course,” she said, rolling her eyes. “I don’t necessarily recommend being like him, but… you’ve got amazingly competent managers and employees, Taran.”

“I know. But… I belong in D.C.,” I said. “You know that. I’m just not a small-town guy, and no amount of living here is going to make me one. The people of Rose Falls probably want to kick me out already.”

“But what will the Rose Falls Gazette do without stories to print about you every day?” Madeline asked, laughing brightly.

“That goddamn newspaper,” I said with a grin.

“They love you at that paper, don’t they?” Gretchen said. “Madeline saved me every paper you were in, and it’s basically almost every paper since you’ve been in town.”

I shook my head. “This place is so bizarre.”

“But in the best way,” Madeline said, smiling.

“I’ll never forget it, but part of me wishes I could.”

“Oh, come on. Was it that bad?”

“Not… bad, just emotional, I guess.”

“Oh god,” she said, “is this about that Patrick guy? Last time we talked, you said something about not knowing how to handle that situation….”

I buried my head in my hands. “I don’t even know, Maddy,” I said. “We only actually hooked up once. He spent the night a couple other times, but….”

“Wait. He spent the night when you weren’t hooking up?” she asked.

I nodded.

“At your place?” she said.

“Yup.”

Her eyes widened, and she and Gretchen shared a look.

“Oh, come on, it’s not that strange.”

She held up her hands in the air. “No, no, not strange at all,” she said, eyes still wide. “For a normal person, that is.”

“Fuck off, Maddy,” I said, but I couldn’t help but smile.

“I’m serious,” she said. “You had someone sleep over, and it wasn’t a hookup? You know as well as I do that those kind of things don’t happen often for you.”

“I know.”

“So… clearly Patrick is special,” she said. I could tell that she was treading lightly, trying not to make too big a deal out of the information I’d just told her. But Maddy could barely contain herself. I could tell she was probably doing backflips inside.

“Don’t get too excited,” I said. “I don’t exactly think Patrick wants to speak with me again.”

“Why not?”

I lifted my eyes to meet hers, and I told her the story of last week, what had happened when Owen came to the bar. Her face fell, somewhat, as she heard what went on.

“That really is awful,” she said. “But if Patrick is a reasonable person, I know he could forgive you for something like that. He must know it wasn’t your fault, at all.”

I nodded. “I think he does. But I may have also… iced him out, earlier that morning. I woke up with him lying next to me in bed, and I kind of lost it. I… Jesus, Maddy, I wanted him so badly. Not even just for sex—although of course, I wanted that too, but… I started to feel affectionate toward him. God, I started having these dreams... terrifying dreams.”

“Shit, did you have nightmares about him?”

“More like dreams about being… committed to him. Married, even.”

“Holy shit,” she said.

“I know. So, naturally, I freaked out. And gave him my usual ‘get out of the house’ routine, which he doesn’t deserve. The point is, I think it’s over for real. Whatever ‘it’ was. I’m leaving in eight days, and I’m just going to try my best to forget about Patrick. It’ll be better for the both of us.”

Madeline eyed me, pausing as if she didn’t know how much she should say. “But… Taran, I have never heard you talk about anyone the way you’re talking about him right now.”

I swallowed, looking back at her warily.

“But it’s your life. I don’t know much about Patrick at all. If you’re not comfortable with what happened, you can just move on. Go back to D.C., pretend it never happened. Maybe that would be better for you, anyway.”

I was silent as I looked out the window. A rare thing had happened: for once, I disagreed with Madeline.

For almost all of my adult life, I had been so hurt from being robbed of my relationship with Leanne that I was sabotaging myself. I was robbing myself of any sort of meaningful serious relationship. For a while, it had seemed fine because there hadn’t been anyone who I connected with on a deep level.

But no matter what had happened with Owen, there was no denying the connection that Patrick and I had formed. It was something good, something better than anything I’d had in the last decade.

How could I just go back to D.C. and pretend it had never happened?

For the first time, I realized that hurting Patrick was scarier to me than being vulnerable. I didn’t feel like my past was dictating my actions--I felt like the rest of my life would be worse if I didn’t at least apologize to Patrick.

Sure, I knew that any chance of a real relationship between us was probably zero. He knew I was a bad bet, knew that I had the emotional relationship maturity of a twenty-two-year-old.

But even if there was no future between me and Patrick, I owed it to him to not leave things on such a bad note. I didn’t want him to remember me just as the guy he hooked up with and then caught serving alcohol to his supposed-to-be-sober brother.

But how could I do it? How could I face him one last time? The way he’d looked at me on the night with Owen had been so final, like he was glad to be burning that bridge with me.

I didn’t know how I was going to do it, but I knew that I had to. I had to see him before I left Rose Falls.