I wake up to the sound of Ellie babbling in her crib. As I stretch my arms and legs, I feel a twinge down below. A twinge of soreness that reminds me about last night.
I smile.
But then I realize I’m in my bed. And I’m alone.
So many things are going through my head right now. I look at the clock, wondering if Kyle had to work this morning. I look at the empty space beside me, thinking maybe he’s not in it out of respect for Ellie. I look at the wall that separates my bedroom from his, and I wonder if he’s over there thinking of me.
I look at my bedroom door, praying he’s not had second thoughts.
I throw on my robe and go to Ellie’s crib, signing ‘good morning’ before I pick her up and change her.
I settle into the rocking chair with a hungry Ellie. But I realize I can’t feed her. I never did my pump and dump. However, I’m not sure I want to go out that door to get her a bottle. Right now, I’m in this perfect bubble. Last night was incredible. It was everything I dreamed about. It was more than I dreamed about. I didn’t know it could be like that. I’ve never had a man put my needs before his own.
And I want to feel like this as long as I can. Because now that I think about it, I’m pretty sure he didn’t have to work today. Which means he’s still in the apartment. And he’s not with me. He’s not in my bed and I’m not in his. So, this perfect bubble I’m in will most likely break as soon as I walk through that door.
I look down at Ellie. “I’m being ridiculous, right? I mean, last night was great. He probably just didn’t want you to wake up and find me gone. And the bed in here is far too small for two adults to sleep on.”
I remember the words he spoke last night. ‘Nobody since her.’ Has it really been that long since he’s been with anyone? Maybe he was telling me the truth when he said he was focusing on his career. I find myself hoping that is the case. If that’s all I need to overcome, the odds are in my favor. However, if there’s more to it than that; if he truly doesn’t want me anymore, that may be a harder battle to win.
But he does want me. Last night proved it. The things he said. The way he worshiped me. It wasn’t just about sex. It couldn’t have been.
When Ellie starts fussing loudly, I stand up and walk to the door. As I reach for the doorknob, I say a silent prayer.
I walk out into the living room to see Kyle sitting on the couch. He’s leaning forward with his forearms resting on his knees. His shoulders are slumped and his head is hung low. This is not the posture of a happy man. A man who had sex last night. A man who is excited about his future.
But that’s not even what concerns me the most. It’s what I see on the coffee table in front of him that makes me want to die of shame. Oh, my God! He’s staring at a piece of paper on the table. The crumpled paper I had doodled my name on. The one that reads Lexi Stone.
He hears me walking behind him. But I only know this because his whole body stiffens. He doesn’t say a word. I walk into the kitchen, my heart thundering beneath my robe. It’s beating so hard, I fear it’s about to break—right along with my perfect bubble.
He’s not yet started the coffee. That’s unlike him. I do it myself, holding Ellie in one arm. And when I turn around to put Ellie in her highchair, I catch him watching me—staring at me with eyes that are dark and distant.
Hot tears roll down my cheek as I reach into the refrigerator to get Ellie a bottle. As I place it in the warmer, I keep my back turned to Kyle so he can’t see how his stare has completely wrecked me. I busy myself gathering coffee cups and then I wait silently for the coffee to finish brewing.
I give Ellie her bottle along with a handful of Cheerios, and then I take some deep breaths before I pick up the two coffee mugs and walk out to the living room. I put his mug on the table in front of him, and then I take the piece of paper and throw it in the trashcan, embarrassed that he found it.
He stares at the empty place on the table. “It can’t happen,” he says.
My heart breaks into tiny little shards that rip their way through my veins. “I’m sorry about that,” I say, nodding to the trashcan as I bite back more tears. “It doesn’t mean anything. I was just doodling.”
He shakes his head, looking intently at the floor. “It can’t happen, Lexi,” he says again. “Not even if we wanted it to. You are still married. Married to him. And since you’re unwilling to do anything about it . . .”
“Is that what this is about?” I ask. “Me being married to Grant?”
“Yes. No.” He runs a hand through his hair. “I don’t know. Listen, we were drunk last night. And I take full responsibility for what happened.”
“Oh, you take full responsibility. Like I had no say in the matter. I was there, too, Kyle. We both made a choice. And you know why I’m still married. I’m doing it for Ellie. Would you really have me risk my daughter just so you don’t have to think of me as Alexa Lucas?”
“I don’t know what I want, Lexi. I just know this is complicated. It’s too complicated for us to go throwing caution to the wind like we did last night. It was a mistake. I have my career to think about. You have Ellie.”
“Please don’t use your career as a cop out,” I say. “If you don’t want to be with me, just tell me. But don’t hide behind your career. Plenty of men have powerful careers and a family. I know I hurt you by running away. I know you think you can’t trust me now. Maybe you think I’ll leave again. But I’m not going anywhere. Not unless you want me gone.” My breath hitches and my heart falls. “Do you want me gone, Kyle?”
He looks over at Ellie, who is now happily mashing Cheerios with her gums while she’s playing with a plastic set of keys.
“I’m not about to put the two of you out,” he says. “I would never do that.”
“That’s not what I was asking, Kyle, and you know it. Do you want me gone?” My heart refuses to beat as I frantically hold onto a sliver of hope while waiting for his answer.
He looks at me. He looks into my eyes for the first time since last night. “No. I don’t want you gone. But beyond that, I can’t say what I want, Lex. I need time. I need space.”
I nod my head. Needing time and space are things I can understand. I had over six months of time and space. Over six months to think about my life and come to terms with what I wanted out of it. Over six months to realize it only took me a few weeks to fall completely head-over-heels in love with the man who brought my daughter into this world.
I guess it’s only fair that he have his own time and space to come to the same conclusion. And I know he will. I know, because I felt it last night. I felt the way he wants me. The way he needs me. I may have even felt the way he loves me.
“Okay,” I tell him. “But if Ellie and I are going to be here, I can’t be walking around on eggshells all the time. How about we start by just being friends, Kyle? No more doodling silly names or talking about things we can’t change. You do your job and I’ll do mine. And sometimes, when you feel like it, I’ll teach you more ASL. Sometimes when I feel like it, you’ll bring me Sal’s.”
He looks at me again, this time with brighter eyes. “Friends, huh?”
Ellie drops her toy and starts fussing about it. I get up to retrieve it for her. “Sure, why not?” I ask.
“I think I can do that,” he says, finally picking up his coffee to take a drink.
I gather up Ellie and head to the bathroom. When I reach the doorway, I turn around. “But, Kyle . . . I’ll never forget last night.”
He nods, looking at the wall where we made love. “Yeah,” he says, blowing out a deep sigh. “Me neither.”