Rolling over in bed, I thumped my pillow for the millionth time. I guess it was more like punching the hell out of it instead of thumping it. After my hellish evening with Allison, I’d found it hard to sleep. I guess it was a combination of a guilty conscience and my mind racing with thoughts. As sleep continued to evade me, I kept tossing and turning while reliving each and every painful detail in my head.
Jesus, how had things gone so wrong between us? I was such a fucking selfish bastard. I’d become the epitome of the douchebags I hated—the men from my parents’ world. Every time I tried to do the right thing by pushing Allison away, I just pulled her back to me, hurting her even more. I’d become barely recognizable to who I once was. The old me would have never used Allison like I did in the skeezy club bathroom. I’d been an enraged bastard because she was kissing Eli and telling me I had no control over her. So I’d gone in to prove to her that she did belong to me, even though I had no plans to emotionally claim her. God, I was such an unimaginable bastard. For the life of me, I couldn’t fathom why I kept treating Allison the way I did. The old law school part of me started making a case against my own self in my head.
Just when I finally started to doze off around seven a.m., screaming babies jolted me awake. I waited a few minutes for Jake and Abby to get things under control. But when fifteen minutes went by and the twins were still crying, I lost my temper. With a growl, I got out of bed and threw on a T-shirt and a pair of jeans.
I stumbled out of my suite and staggered next door. Raising my fist, I pounded on the door. The crying grew closer and closer until the door flew open. A red-faced and screaming Jax greeted me first. Instead of Abby or Jake, it was Allison standing in the doorway. Motherfucking hell. I couldn’t catch a break. Instantly, I regretted my decision to come over. Things were still way too awkward between us after what had happened last night.
“Oh, um, hey,” I said.
“Hi,” she called over Jax’s wailing. Behind her, I could hear Jules crying as well.
“I came over to see what all the commotion was about.”
Allison grimaced. “Jake and Abby just left for the doctor—food poisoning or something. They were sick and feverish all night. I think Jake might be pretty dehydrated.”
“Are the spawns sick, too?” I asked, gesturing to Jax. That would certainly explain the fucking scream-fest.
“No, they’re fine. Well, except for the fact they seem to be going through some early separation anxiety when it comes to their parents. The moment Jake and Abby left the suite, they freaked out. Nothing I do seems to help.”
As I glanced from Jax to Allison, I noticed how frazzled she looked. Loose stands of dark hair had escaped from her ponytail, and her face was almost as red as Jax’s. “They’re not wet or hungry or sleepy—they just want to cry,” she said, her voice wavering as if she might cry at any minute as well.
At that moment, I had two options: I could have pulled an utterly douche move by telling her good luck with the screaming hellions and then escaped to my suite. Or I could offer to try to help her calm the twins down.
“Here, let me have him,” I said, reaching for Jax.
Allison’s dark eyes widened. “Seriously?”
I snorted contemptuously. “Like I’m going to leave you all alone with two screaming babies.”
Somehow I imagined that in her head, she was thinking that was exactly what an asshole like me would do, especially after the way we had left things last night. “Thanks,” she said softly.
As I took Jax into my arms, he eyeballed me for a moment. When Allison started across the room for Jules, Jax picked up his wailing. “Okay, mama’s boy, you certainly have a fine pair of lungs.”
Allison jerked her head over her shoulder and scowled at me. “Don’t call him that.”
“It’s the truth, isn’t it?”
“Maybe. But he can’t help it.”
Jax’s lip quivered as I stared at him. A smile tugged at my lips. “Come to think of it, you’re just like your daddy. He was a pansy-ass mama’s boy back in the day, too.”
“Rhys!” Allison admonished, as Jax stopped snubbing to momentarily grin at me.
I laughed at both of their reactions. Staring into Jax’s face was like looking at a mirror image of Abby except he had Jake’s dark hair. “I guess I should give you some slack. I would’ve been a mama’s boy too if I’d been blessed with a mama as sweet as yours.”
Allison laughed while bouncing a fussy Jules on her hip. “Abby is a sweetheart and the best mom.”
A thought popped into my mind, and before I could stop myself, I blurted it out. “You want that someday?”
With her dark brows lining in confusion, Allison asked, “Do I want to have kids someday?”
“Yeah.”
“Yes, of course I do.” Allison stared into Jules’s face, a slight smile on her lips. “I can’t imagine going through life without kids, but at the same time, I don’t want them anytime soon.”
Her response surprised me. For some reason, I thought she would be just like Abby with wanting to have a family right away. “Really?”
She nodded. “There’s a lot I want to do and see before I settle down to get married, and even after, I’d like my husband and I to have some time just to ourselves.”
“I see.”
As Jules started to ratchet up her fussing into full-fledged crying, Allison asked, “What about you? Do you want kids?”
I exhaled a long sigh. “Yeah, sure, I wouldn’t mind having a kid someday. Like you, I sure as hell don’t want it to be anytime soon.”
It seemed that Jax took my comment about not wanting kids soon a little too personally because he started wailing again. My ears rang as he and Jules seemed determined to outdo each other with their screams. “Guys, please, don’t cry. Mommy and Daddy will be back very soon,” Allison said, over the noise.
Both of us started walking around the room, bouncing a twin in our arms. But nothing that we did seemed to work. We swapped off babies for a few minutes to see if daddy’s girl, Jules, might benefit from being with me. It didn’t work. Finally, it was like a light bulb went off in my head. I walked over to Allison. “Here. I have an idea. Take her for a sec.”
Allison reluctantly took Jules into her free arm. “What are you going to do?”
“I need to run next door.”
Her eyes widened. “You aren’t bailing on me, are you?”
I scowled at her for even thinking something so shitty of me. “Of course not. Just trust me. I think I know what will get them to quiet down.”
“Okay,” she replied, reluctantly.
After I hustled back to my suite, I grabbed my phone off the nightstand. When I returned to Allison, she was walking around the bedroom with both twins in her arms as they continued crying. After scrolling through a few playlists, I picked one. Then I placed my phone on the docking station beside the bed. As I reached out for Jax, the sounds of Abby and Jake singing, I’ll Take You with Me echoed through the room. At the sounds of their parents’ blending voices, Jax and Jules’s cries started to quiet. The longer the song played, the more content they grew.
As Allison shifted Jules in her arms, Jules gave a contented coo as she lay her head on Allison’s chest. Glancing down at Jax, I asked, “How’s that, Jaxy boy? You like hearing your old man and your mama making music?” I asked. He stopped gumming his fist to smile up at me. “I thought you would. They sound good together, don’t they? They make a good team.”
When I glanced up, Allison appeared almost teary as she watched me with Jax. Once again, the familiar ache burned in my chest. It always happened whenever I tried to ignore the feelings I had for Allison. Under her intense stare, it was almost hard to breathe. Part of me wanted to stop the pain by just admitting to her about how much I cared. But the stubborn ass in me overrode those thoughts and clung to the notion that we simply couldn’t be together.
Deciding to change the subject, I jerked my chin at Jules. “She’s asleep.”
Allison’s eyes lit up. “Really?” she whispered. When I nodded, she eyed Jax. “He’s almost there.”
“Think we could lay them down?”
“We could try.” She then stepped over to the Pack ‘N Play next to Jake and Abby’s massive king-sized bed. She eased Jules down onto the mattress as if she was a ticking time bomb that could go off at any minute. Once she pulled her hands away, she waited a moment to see if Jules would start crying. When she didn’t, Allison eased a pacifier into Jules’s mouth, and then stepped back.
With a wave of her hand, I stepped forward to bring Jax over. His eyelids were fluttering like he was desperately fighting sleep. After I lay him down, his eyes popped open, and he stared up at me as if daring me to try to walk away. “Easy buddy,” I whispered, as I patted his tummy. Allison squeezed in beside me to slide a pacifier between Jax’s lips. Once he was sucking voraciously, his eyes started to droop, and then he was finally asleep.
When I stepped back from the bed, Allison and I both exhaled a ragged sigh in unison. “That was intense,” I murmured in a low voice.
“Yeah, it was.”
Standing side by side with her across from an extreme cuteness overload of two sleeping babies was just a little too much for me. In a weird way, it was like we had been parenting together, and that was far too much of a commitment than I could ever allow myself with Allison. We were not meant to be, regardless of whatever I continued to feel. “Well, I guess now that everything is under control, I’ll head back to my room.”
After grabbing the baby monitor off the nightstand, she gave me a sincere smile. “I owe you a big thank you. I don’t think I could have survived without your help.”
“No need to thank me. I was glad to help,” I replied. After I grabbed my phone, I started out of the bedroom. Allison followed me out and then closed the door of Jake and Abby’s bedroom.
We stood there, staring at each other, both silently daring the other one to mention the white elephant in the room. After what felt like an eternity, neither one of us spoke up to acknowledge it. “Yeah, well, I’ll see you later,” I muttered before starting for the door.
When I reached for the doorknob, Allison’s voice caused me to freeze. “Rhys, wait.”
I whirled around. “What is it?”
Nibbling her lip, she appeared to be trying to find the right way to tell me something. Finally, she just blurted, “Eli has asked me out on a date. Alone.”
That motherfucker. It wasn’t enough he had dry-humped and kissed her last night on the dance floor, but now he was upping the ante by wanting to take her out to wine and dine her. Alone. Jake was going to love the hell out of that. At her expectant look, I knew I needed to get out of there before I betrayed any of my emotions. “Good for him. I hope you have a great time,” I replied, unable to contain my sarcasm.
“That’s all you have to say?” she asked, her expression one of betrayal.
I shrugged. “Were you looking for my permission or something? You told me last night I’m not Jake, so what does it matter to me what you do?”
Tears pooled in her eyes, causing me to feel like the biggest asshole on the face of the earth. But of course, it didn’t make me man up and tell her how I felt about her. No, I was still letting myself be deluded into the notion that I was doing what was best for the both of us. While Jake wasn’t keen on the idea of Eli dating Allison, he would feel a hell of a lot different if it were me—his bandmate and brother.
“I just thought…” She shook her head. “Never mind.”
“You thought what?” I urged.
Her dark eyes took on a pleading expression as they bore into mine. “Regardless of how badly it ended last night, I don’t believe you could be so callous as to use me the way you did,” she replied, in a hushed whisper.
Seeing her trembling body, coupled with the haunted look in her eyes, broke me. I almost barreled right through the wall that I had so carefully constructed between us by ensuring her that she wasn’t wrong about last night. It had almost been my undoing.
And then at the most inopportune moment, a scene from my childhood flashed in my mind. It reiterated to me once and for all where my horrible sense of self-worth and self-esteem come from. I was sick and home from school—a seven-year-old boy who desperately wanted some of his mother’s love and attention. Peeking through the banister, I watched as her heels clicked along the marble floor as she headed out the door to some charity function. Just as she reached the door, I raced down the stairs to grab hold of her waist. “Stay with me, Mommy.”
Her venomous voice rang in my ears as if she were standing right in front of me. “Rhys, I told you earlier that I do not have time for you today! Go back to Trudie.” Desperately, I clung to her, but she shook me off as she always did. After all, I was always too much of a bother for her to pay any attention to. She stared down at my frail form. “Why can’t you do as you’re told? God, you’re almost as worthless as your sister!”
I had barely been able to make out her face through the blur of my tears. “Don’t you love me, Mommy?” I had asked in a soft voice.
“I could love you more if you weren’t such a nuisance.”
That day my mother had once again broke my already fragile heart into even more unfixable pieces. I toughened up after that, but the hurt was always there. With such a loveless past, how was it possible that I could ever give Allison all that she needed? No, I had to stay strong. I had to keep my true feelings concealed. As much as I wanted to, I could not give in. I had to drive her away once and for all.
Crossing my arms over my shoulder, I asked, “So you were thinking that having angry sex in a club bathroom was supposed to have some underlying meaning besides just fucking?”
A lone tear streaked down her cheek. When she raised her hand, I thought she might slap me—I sure as hell deserved it—but instead, she used it to swipe the tear away. “You can say what you want to save face, Rhys, but I know you better than that. It may have started out as ownership, or just sex, but you wanted to kiss me. You wanted me just as much as you had three months ago.”
“Keep telling yourself that, little girl.”
Her face crumpled, and she turned and fled to her bedroom. When the door slammed behind her, I jumped. Her sobs filled the air around me, piercing through my chest like knives. I wished for the moment that she was more like Abby and Mia—that she had verbally berated me for the bastard I was. But no, tears were worse, especially for a girl…or woman like Allison.
Unable to stand the sound of her cries any longer, I fled from Jake and Abby’s suite. I bypassed my room and kept stalking down the hallway. When I got to the elevator, I hit the button for the lobby. Once I got downstairs, I headed straight for the revolving doors that took me out into the city.
Then I began to walk aimlessly up and down the streets. I stopped for coffee and something to eat at a small diner. But no matter how long or how far I walked, one thing was still true. Once again, I’d behaved like an utter asshole to Allison—a far cry from the gentleman I’d been raised to be. After all, it was only the best for Mommy and Daddy Dearest. But worse than the despicable things I’d said was the fact I’d lied to her. Again. Why the fuck did I keep doing that?
Last night had meant something. Somehow being inside Allison for that short amount of time had once again made me feel complete. But it had fucking broken me when she wouldn’t let me kiss her. In the end, she had been right. I sure as hell didn’t deserve her sweet lips. Because of my jealousy, I’d gone off half-cocked to prove that she belonged to no other man. Then I had been a bastard by refusing emotionally to claim her.
Taking out my phone, I Googled a location that I knew would provide some relief to my suffering. Two blocks over, I slipped inside the darkened room of a strip club. Coming here sure as hell wasn’t one of my finest moments, but I needed to break my three-month sexual fast, even if it was just a small release. I desperately needed something simple and no-strings attached. If I could free myself of Allison, then in turn, I could set her free from me as well.
With a fifty, I motioned over one of the three girls dancing. She was also the only blonde. I sure as hell didn’t want a brunette. With a welcoming smile, she swiveled her hips as she came over to me. “Hey, sugar, you want a private dance?”
“Yeah, I do,” I mumbled.
“I’m Sierra,” she said.
“Rhys,” I replied, not even bothering to give a fake name.
Hopping down from the stage, she took me by the hand and led me back to a private room. A stacked bouncer eyed us before we dipped inside the room. She eased me down on the couch. When her hands went up to undo the strings on her flimsy top, bile lurched in my throat, and I felt like I would throw up. “Wait. Stop,” I croaked.
Her hands left her top. One came to rest on my cheek. “What’s the matter, sugar? Is this your first time? You don’t have to be afraid. I’ll take real good care of you.”
I shook my head. “That’s not it. This was a mistake.” When I started to rise off the sofa, she pushed me back down. Instead of slithering across my lap, she sat down next to me.
“Having girlfriend or wife troubles?” When I didn’t respond, she asked, “Boyfriend troubles?”
A nervous laugh escaped my lips. “I’m not gay.”
She shrugged. “Some guys come here when they’re trying to sort out who they are. If you want, I have the name of a club that might have more of what you need.”
I held up my hand. “Trust me, a dude is not the problem.”
Her hand came to rest on my thigh. “Then what is?”
Closing my eyes, I couldn’t believe I was not only sitting in a strip club, but I was about to unburden my troubles on a stripper. She was hardly a therapist. But for some strange fucking reason her open objectivity loosened my usually stubborn tongue. I sure as hell wasn’t one to share my feelings with just anybody, but Sierra’s willingness to listen compelled me to open up. “So you really want to know?”
She nodded. “I’m on your dime, or your fifty, right now. I’ll do whatever you want to do, including listening.”
After drawing in a deep breath, I told Sierra the whole story. Her eyes widened in a few places, and she gasped in horror. When I finished, she smacked my chest. “What the hell is your problem?”
“I’d love to know.”
“You march your ass back to that hotel room right now and beg for that girl’s forgiveness.”
“It’s not that simple.”
“Yes, it is. Do you want to spend the rest of your life feeling like this?”
“Hell no.”
“Then it’s that simple.” Taking my hand in hers, she squeezed it. “Do you know how lucky you are to have someone so wonderful to love you? People search their entire lives to find it, and most end up desperately alone during the pursuit. You just have to stop being afraid of the ‘what-ifs’. The ‘what-ifs’ of this Jake guy being pissed at you or the ‘what-ifs’ of you being afraid you can’t love Allison like you should. It’ll all come together because it’s meant to be.”
As I sat there on the leather sofa with my sage stripper, I couldn’t believe how everything had fallen together. Not to mention that the catalyst for my self-discovery had been in a strip club. “You’re really wise, you know that?”
Sierra smiled. “Years of hearing people’s troubles, sugar.”
Digging into the pocket of my jeans, I coupled a hundred with the fifty I originally had. “Here. But it isn’t really enough to show you my gratitude.”
Shaking her head, Sierra took the bills from me. “While the money is nice, you’re only going to show me your gratitude by not fucking things up with this girl.” She eyed me pointedly. “Are you going to go beg her forgiveness now and tell her how much you care about her?”
I nodded my head. “Today. I swear.”
“Good. I’m glad to hear it.” Rising off the couch, she held out her hand for me. “Now get the hell out of here.”
With a laugh, I let her help me up. “Yes, ma’am.”
Leaning over, Sierra planted a kiss on my cheek. “This Allison is a lucky woman to have you.”
“I hope after everything I’ve done, she will believe that.”
“Keep the faith, sugar.”
I nodded, and then hurried out of the strip club. One glance at my phone told me I needed to haul ass back to the hotel. The car would be leaving to take us to the auditorium soon. Unfortunately, I’d given all my cash to Sierra, and my debit card was in my wallet back in the hotel room. I’d have to run to make it back on time.
After drawing in a deep breath, I started sprinting back to the hotel, but more importantly back to Allison. Now I knew I was ready. I was ready for all that would come with loving Allison. I sure as hell didn’t deserve her, but I wanted—no I had—to make her mine. As for Jake, well, he’d just have to accept that fact. After all, he was just her brother, not her father.
No, I wasn’t going to fuck up my life any longer. I needed Allison in my life, and I was going to prove to her that I could love. She had faith in me, and I would die trying to prove her right.