Chapter 31

Trigger

“No baby.” I say again. I feel Razz’s small hand grip my larger one.

“Yes, sir.” The doctor affirms. “In our inspection of Ms. Breaux when she arrived in the Emergency Room, she had several lacerations to her arms, legs and stomach. There were no obvious signs of pregnancy. The fatal injury was from a piece of glass that severed her carotid artery. By the time the paramedics got to her, they only had a few minutes at best to try and stop the bleeding, but they were unlucky in doing so.” Albin whimpers beside me. “Her stomach was flat and soft. When the receptionist called back to the nurse’s desk and asked about a baby, we did an internal and external ultrasound to make sure.” The doctor shakes his head. “There was no baby present.”

“Thank you, Dr. Wallace.” Razz says softly. “Sorry for the confusion, but the last time we saw Sadie she had a noticeable baby bump, as well as telling us she was five or so months along.”

“Oh.” The doctor’s face pales and turns to Albin. “I’m sorry for your loss, sir. If there is anything you need, please don’t hesitate to let us know.” With his final words, he turns and strolls back through the double doors.

Sadie, God bless her soul, has been able to crumble my world with two words continuously over the years. I’ve dealt with ‘I’m leaving,’ ‘I object,’ ‘I’m pregnant’ and ‘no baby.’ I should be relieved, but I’m not. Not a single bit.

On the way to the hospital, all I did was picture my baby in my arms. Razz and I raising my child with Emerson and Xander. Images of our kids playing at the farmhouse, riding horses and chasing each other around. But now, all I feel is loss for a child that never even existed.

I glance around the room and notice that Banshee hasn’t moved from his chair. I can guess what’s going through his mind as my own was flooded with what if’s for hours until now.

I tug Razz closer to me. “I need to go let Banshee know what’s going on. Will you come with me?” I plead.

“Of course,” she rises up and kisses my cheek, “I’ll do anything you need.”

We move toward Banshee’s hunched shoulders with his forearms pressed to his thighs. Razz sits next to him and puts her hand on his arm. “Banshee.” She coaxes. His eyes gradually meet hers. “There was never a baby. She wasn’t pregnant.”

His jaw clenches. “Are you fucking kidding me right now? We all saw her pregnant.” He leans back suddenly making Razz’s hand fall from him. “This is what you wanted isn’t it.” He growls. “You didn’t want there to be a baby. You didn’t want her to be involved in your life, so you went to every extreme to push her away, but she fought you at every turn.” Razz is steadily shaking her head no as tears pool in her eyes. Banshee pushes up from the chair and before he can stomp away, he leaves cutting her with his words. “I hope you’re happy now that you got what she had.” He cuts his eyes to mine and disappears out the exit.

“Is that what you fucking think too?” Razz’s voice is a mix of hurt and anger. “Is that what everyone has been thinking the whole fucking time? I thought I was helping the Chaotic’s with their problems.” I still don’t answer, because I know that isn’t what I thought but I can’t answer for anyone else and apparently I don’t answer in a reasonable amount of time. Her shoulder slams into my chest in her haste to get away from me and I just watch her go.

There’s too much going on to deal with her temper tantrum right now. She’ll cool off and come back to me. This whole situation of Sadie’s death and the realization that even in death she played us once again is overwhelming. The amount of shit we’ve all gone through in a matter of months feels like years of drama upon drama mingling with the love, hate, tears, anger and need for revenge we’ve all felt.

I can’t decipher between being sad or relieved with the death of Sadie and I can’t make sense of the loss of a baby that was never physically present. I know that if Sadie was still alive, I’d probably want to kill her. But in death, I don’t know what emotion overpowers me most loss, regret or relief.

Banshee seems to be battling with anger. His hostility towards Razz wasn’t warranted and I should have stood up for my woman, but I didn’t. The more I realize what I did, the more frantic I feel to get to my wife. I charge out the hospital doors and survey the parking lot. The Tahoe is gone, which only means my wife has taken my silence as a ploy against her and everything she’s fought so hard to protect us from.

I turn to go back inside when I’m faced with Poison and Banshee. Banshee doesn’t seem any less pissed off and Poison seems to be radiating the same. “Get the fuck out of my way. I don’t have time for more bullshit to be spouted out of your mouth.”

“No.” Banshee bellows. “I’m sorry.” He says it so fast I know it isn’t sincere.

“No, you aren’t because if you were, you’d be telling Razz you’re sorry for the shit that exploded out of your mouth.” I try to go around him and he steps in front of me. “Get the fuck out of my way before your ass is kissing the concrete.” I roar.

“No, goddamnit. Let me speak.” I glare at him. “Yes I need to apologize to Razz because I know that none of this is her fault. She was at the wrong place at the wrong time and she delivered the blow I didn’t want to hear.” He sighs. “I wanted that baby to be mine. I wanted to raise a little boy or little girl that’d be surrounded by my Devil family and then I find out that there was never even the potential of there being a baby. That it was all a lie, a scheme in a master plan for a sick bitch to cause havoc on the people around her.”

I nod. “Yeah, I felt the same way, but I didn’t take my anger for Sadie out on Razz. I might not have been very forthcoming with my thoughts about the situation, but I didn’t take my mixed up feelings out on the woman that has looked out for the people she loves and cares about.” I go to step around again and he lets me pass.

“For what it’s worth, I know Razz isn’t to blame and I’ll let her know that the next time I see her.”

“Much appreciated.”

Entering back into the stuffy room, I take in my family. Dani and Albin went to go visit with Sadie before they took her to the morgue. My dad and Brute are congregated in a corner with some of my brothers and Devil’s hanging around. My dad doesn’t notice me until I’m up on him and I hear him mumble, ‘she’s done.’

“Who’s done?” I ask as calmly as I can, shocking the men. No response. “Who’s fucking done?” I say hurriedly.

“Son.” He cajoles. “Your momma just called and said she got off the phone with a very upset Razz saying over and over that she tried to make everything better and she wasn’t enough.”

“She’s just upset. She’ll come to her senses.”

He tilts his head and glances to Brute as if asking for patience. My building temper is sliced when Brute speaks. “Trigger, where’s she at?”

“She left to cool off and have a moment to herself.”

“So, she’s outside.” I shake my head. “She’s in the bathroom.” I shake my head again.

“No!” I bellow. “She left after your brother asked her if she was happy that Sadie was dead and asking her if she was happy she’d gotten everything she wanted.”

“What?” Brute growls.

“Banshee took his frustrations out on Razz when he found out about the baby and said a lot of things that made Razz second guess herself.”

My dad perks up. “And where were you?”

“Standing there like the dumbass that I am. I didn’t stand up for her and I didn’t stop her when she left.”

“What the fuck, Trigger?” Dad questions. “She’s your wife. I don’t care if she’s wrong or right you always have her back. Damnit, haven’t I taught you anything.” He pulls out his phone and I can only assume it’s to call my mom. “Babe.” He grits. “Where are you? Okay. I need you to get her on the phone and find out where she is. I need you to get to her if Trigger isn’t able to first.” I can hear my mom screeching in the phone. “Fine. Love ya.” He hangs up and he daggers me with his cold, hard eyes. “Fuck, Trigger. I can’t even image you letting her leave here as upset as she was. What a fucked up thing to do.”

“I thought she was going outside to cool off. I didn’t think she’d leave me here.”

“You’re an idiot. Razz has been backed in corners all her life without anyone fighting for her except herself. Now, she’s married with kids that depend on her and she can’t depend on her husband to defend her when someone makes her feel like shit.”

“Prez.” Beanie interjects. “I just got off the phone with her. I’m going to meet her.”

“Why you?” I grunt.

“Because apparently she wants to punish herself.” He stares at me and I stare back. “You know her, Trigger. You know that she can’t stand not to have control over her life. She wants me to take it from her, the pain, the anguish and the regret.”

“No, she’s not in the right frame of mind and you’re not going to do it.” I roar.

“I will and I am. She needs someone and that someone is me. I should have never let you get this close to her. I should have rallied behind her when she didn’t want to have anything to do with you. All she’s done since you came back into your life is fight. Fight for her kids. Fight for her love for you. Fight to believe she was enough.”

I grasp his bicep before he can dash off and stand nose to nose with him. “She’s enough and it’s not your place to take care of my woman, my wife, my ol’ lady. Back off, Beanie. Just tell me where she’s going and I’ll take care of her.”

He stands there silent until my dad commands, “tell him, now.”

“She’s headed to the Upper Hand.” He says through clenched teeth.

With no words spoken to anyone, Dad hands me his keys and I hustle out the door to Razz.