Prologue
Laying back on the hard ground, patchy with grass, I wriggle to get comfortable. I gaze up at the darkened sky, the moon full, the stars bursting to life. I squeeze my eyes shut, wishing for the millionth time for things to be different and wondering why I can't have a normal life. I search my memory, trying to remember the life I once had with my parents. A sharp pain squeezes my heart and I rub my chest. I'm reminded of the fact, they threw me away and pushed me into hell to repay my father's debt. Words run on an endless loop from that night when I was ripped from my bed…..
"Judy, we have to let her go to pay him back." My father's voice boomed and echoed around me as a strange woman dragged me from my parents' house. "It's her or us"
They were the last words I heard from my father before he turned his back on me and walked away. I remember pleading with my mother to do something as tears streamed down my face and she became a hazy blur in front of me. I begged her to let me stay and despite her own tears, she turned her back on me and followed my father toward the kitchen.
Shaking from the memory of my dredged-up thoughts, tears pooling in my eyes, I turn away from the night sky. A lonely dandelion sways in the gentle breeze. Picking it, I sit up and cross my legs. Closing my eyes again, I picture myself as a happy child laying in a field of beautiful dandelion puffs and making silly little wishes. Lifting the white puff to my mouth, I let out a soft breath and on a whisper, send out a wish. A wish so simple, but for me, out of reach. I watch as dandelion puffs float around me, hoping that one day, my impossible wish could come true
I cringe when I hear the screen door slam open, it hits the wooden banister on the back porch with a bang and flinch at the sudden sound of Karen's raspy voice breaking through the quiet of the night. "You silly, stupid bitch."
I turn and in the glow of the moon, I see the rage I know so well distorting her face. I have no doubt about what comes next. I used to be terrified, would shake out of control at the sight of her rage, but in time I learned not to show fear. She thrives on fear and it made everything so much worse. Now I remain detached, show nothing, feel nothing except for the little bit I allow myself when I sneak out and lay amongst the dandelions and stare at the stars.
Scurrying to my feet, I straighten my nightgown as it falls to my knees. Wrapping my arms around my waist, I bow my head allowing my dark hair to drape around me like a veil. I cross the patchy lawn and slowly pad up the stairs. Before one foot lands on the hard wooden porch, Karen reaches out and grabs my arm, dragging me the rest of the way. Her nails bite into my skin, but still I show her no sign of pain.
"You stupid bitch, how dare you be outside without my permission. You know what's coming now, don't you?" She shakes my arm, piercing the skin as she drags me through the house toward my room.
Room, hah, fucking prison is more like it. There are no happy memories in this house, this room only heartbreak and torture.
As she swings the door to my prison cell open, I glance at the dirty mattress lying on the floor. Still I feel nothing. She throws me to the ground and I know what's expected. Without her having to say a word, I kneel and rest back on my heels, remove my nightie, place my hands on my bare legs and dig my nails into my thighs. I hear a cupboard door squeak open, close my eyes and suck in a breath when I hear the unmistakable sound of a belt snapping together. Once I would cower in a corner on hearing that sound, but over the years, I have learned to accept what follows.
Slowing my breathing, I feel the air around me shift as the first sting crosses my back. Then, another and another, I have no idea how many follow. I've become used to the pain and clear my mind of thought, my body of feeling until I hear the belt being placed back in the cupboard.
"After all these years I would have thought you'd have learned by now, stupid bitch!" Karen rages.
I nod my head in response, not trusting my voice to speak.
She crosses the room; the door slams and locks click into place. I release the breath I was holding and bend forward, placing my hands on the dirty carpet in front of me. Cool air stings the wounds on my back and the metallic smell of blood surrounds me. Taking a few deep breaths, I slowly crawl to the mattress. Lying face down, I let the tears flow and my small wish of a new life seems even further away.
As days pass, my arms reach for the impossible, but I continue to hope there is someone out there who can free me. I stare through the small dirty, cracked window until sleep finally takes me.