The further we get from that bar, the more Julian’s words keep ringing in my ears.

We’re going to kill him. We’re going to murder a man.

The further we get from that bar, the more it bothers me. It’s a nice night out, the stars are out in force, but I can’t seem to enjoy it.

I glance at Julian but he’s lost in his own thoughts. I keep seeing Leo, dead in the sand. I never loved Leo, I didn’t even particularly like him, but I didn’t want to see him dead. I never would’ve chosen that for him or anyone. Now we’re talking about murdering a man I don’t even know, and…

I know this is stupid. I know that Hunter would kill us the first chance he got. That bastard is a psychopath and doesn’t care about humans at all. We’re probably just bugs in his mind, there to squash and play around with. I don’t want to get squashed any more than anyone else does, but I also don’t want to kill, either.

“Julian?” I break the silence as we’re halfway back to the motel.

He looks at me. “Yeah?”

I bite my lip. “I was just thinking.”

He stretches a little bit, and I feel like there’s a gulf starting to open up between us. “Thinking about what?”

“Hunter. And the plan.”

He shrugs, a slight movement of his shoulders. “Don’t see how we have any other choice.”

“Do we… do we need to kill him?”

That seems to come as a surprise. Julian stares at me and stops walking. We’re a few feet from a concrete bench on the side of the road. I can hear the ocean maybe two blocks away, and we’re drenched in shadow. The nearest street light is another block on either side.

“Are you going soft on me?”

“It’s not soft to not want to murder someone.”

“Right,” he says softly. “Except Hunter is a fucking psychopath that will stop at nothing to make sure we’re dead. And you want to… what, bargain with him?”

“If we can.” I make a face, shaking my head. “I know this is stupid. I know he wouldn’t think about this for a second if our positions were switched. It’s just…” He’s staring at me, and I know I have to make my case. His body is tense and there’s that stain on him, that darkness I’ve noticed before.

“I’ve seen enough dying already. I keep thinking about Leo, bleeding out in the sand, his eyes wide open, like staring at me, like I could help him. I didn’t love Leo or even like him but I don’t think he should’ve died like that.”

“Leo tried to kill me,” Julian says softly.

“I know, you did what you had to do.”

“You don’t understand. I didn’t mean to kill Leo, that was a mistake. But Leo would’ve killed me. He would’ve done it without a second thought.”

“Maybe.” I feel so exasperated, angry, frustrated. It’s this whole situation, all this garbage. “But I’ve been in this drug-addled haze for so long, and I’m finally thinking clearly. Killing people isn’t something I’m okay with, it never was before the drugs. It can’t be now if I want to… if I want to keep myself.”

He narrows his eyes but he doesn’t respond right away. I feel dizzy, almost like I’m about to float away, my skull an over-inflated balloon.

But I know I’m right to stand up like this, just like I know Julian’s right to push back. It’s kill or be killed or at least that’s how we’re looking at it. Hunter won’t stop but maybe we can break the cycle and find another way, a better way.

“I don’t know if you’re going to get that,” he says softly. “You may need to start getting used to the idea that we have to kill or get killed.”

“There has to be a better way. I want to be better.” I feel like I’m pleading but really, all the bad shit I’ve done is flooding back at me and I’m practically drowning.

I lied, cheated, stole. I broke into houses, took things that didn’t belong to me, maybe even ruined lives. I cost people a lot of money all because I wanted more fucking drugs. I slept with Leo, basically gave my body away, all for another fix. I hurt people, stabbed a guy once during a messed-up drug deal. I didn’t kill him, but I hurt him pretty bad. I did worse when I was staying with the anarchists, back before Leo.

This feels like a turning point for me. Julian got me sober but now I’m about to go down a dark path, and I want to run away from it. I want to be better.

“There’s no better,” he says, stepping close to me. “You get that, right? There’s no getting above this, no being good. We either kill Hunter or he kills us. You want to be better? You can rot in the fucking ground and be better.”

I stare at him, surprised at his tone, both angry and forceful. He steps closer, grabs my arm.

“I’m not letting you get yourself killed,” he growls. “You hear me, Kay? I’m not fucking this up. I’m keeping you alive, no matter what.”

“No,” I say, shaking my arm loose. I step back from him. “You don’t get to control what I do, you know that?”

He glares at me. “Test me. Go ahead.”

“No,” I say again, shaking my head. “That’s not who you are.”

“You don’t know me.”

“Maybe, but do you really want to go down this path? Do you really want to be this person?”

He stares at me. “You don’t know what I want.”

“I guess not.” I turn away from him. “Just leave me alone then, killer. Go murder someone, I don’t care.”

I storm away from him like a stupid child. I feel dumb and immature and angry, my emotions all swirling around me, but I don’t look back. I control myself enough for that, at least, and I don’t hear him coming after me.

This might really be it. He might really let me go now, let me run away, and in this moment I think I might actually do it. I turned back once because I was afraid I’d start using again without him. Now I’m afraid he’ll drag me down into a deeper, darker whole than heroin, and I won’t let myself go there. I won’t let myself become that person.

I walk away, mind clouded with fear. I head toward the ocean, called by the waves breaking against the sand. It’s dark as I approach it, walking up the thin path between dunes. The beach is wide, cool, and empty. I kick off my shoes and pick them up as I walk across the open expanse toward the water.

I breathe deep, salt in my lungs. The moon is wide, casting silver reflections off the moving waves, making undulating patterns in the surf. I stop just at the edge of the water, letting the cold ocean wash against the top of my toes. I curl them down into the wet sand and take another, deeper breath, and slowly let it out.

I’m not a killer. And I don’t think Julian is, either. He told me he quit fighting, was trying to get his life back together. He got sucked back into it but I don’t think that makes him a bad person. This situation is impossible, and he’s doing his best to get through it. There’s that darkness deep inside him, buried deep down beneath whatever makes his personality what it is, and that stain scares me. It shouldn’t, but it does. I wish I could be stronger, when really I’m just a coward, afraid of what I might become if I let him do what he has to do.

He’s doing it for me. Those are the words he’s leaving unspoken. He’s doing it for me because otherwise, I won’t be able to survive. I bet he could run and get away, fight off anyone that comes for him, but he knows I can’t. If we run together, it’ll be a life of fear, always looking over our shoulders. He can’t keep me perfectly protected at all times, as we found out the other day. He’s willing to kill to end all this, and he’s willing to do it for me.

I just don’t know if I’m willing to let him.

I sigh and turn away from the ocean. I stormed off like a child throwing a temper tantrum, but he deserves better. I need to go back and talk to him, maybe convince him to agree with me. If he refuses, well, I don’t know what I’ll do. Maybe I really will leave for good, and I’ll try to absolve him of any guilt he might feel.

I walk slowly back toward the dunes, kicking the sand as I go. It sticks to my feet as I walk, clumping up behind me. I can see the dunes just ahead, and as I approach them, there’s a noise in the distance.

At first, I think it’s an insect, some kind of flying cicada or something like that. It’s a buzzing noise, but quickly I realize it’s the sound of an ATV in the distance, getting closer.

I pick up my pace. The light’s just a pinprick but it’s getting larger. My heart starts beating fast. I don’t think I’m anywhere near a Hunter-controlled area but I can’t be sure. He shouldn’t know I’m out here, but then again, I didn’t have a good feeling about that Alex.

Up the other end of the beach, there’s another ATV. I start to panic, realizing they’re coming from both directions. I start to run, scrambling toward the dunes, but the ATVs are getting closer. They’re moving fast, way too fast for some casual riders out at night. They’re heading right in my direction and I think I might be screwed.

I barely reach the dunes and start scrambling up, ignoring the signs telling me not to. Screw that, I need to get away from these ATVs, and I don’t have time to run over to the path twenty feet away. The ATVs are almost right on top of me.

I turn, looking over my shoulder. The ATVs come into sight, moving toward each other. I can’t make out what the riders look like. I’m nearly at the top of the dune, heart hammering. They’re going to see me.

Just as the ATVs come screaming to a stop, a pair of hands grab me, one palm over my mouth to stifle the scream that jumps from my throat, and I fall back down into the darkness.