Alex

 

It was dusk as we arrived home. I should have been happy. I had just been given everything I’d ever wanted. Stepping out of the new R8, a sound within the trees suddenly got my attention. Mysterious things were taking shape, but there was no one there—just shadows. I didn’t want to alarm Madison by sharing my paranoia. She had her own issues and stoking her fears would only heighten her unease. Still, I hurried her inside, locked up, and set the alarm. The familiarity of home instantly eased my racing mind.

Madison was right, it wouldn’t hurt to talk to Theo. PTSD was a valid diagnosis, and I had to accept the fact that I probably had it and begin to deal with it. If it meant treatment, I wouldn’t fight it any longer.

Madison pressed her palm on the glass window, looking out as the sun slowly faded. It was if the mountains were calling her, welcoming her home.

“I feel safe here,” she said quietly.

I approached from behind and put my arms around her, resting my chin on the curve of her shoulder. It felt almost more intimate than sex. Almost.

“It’s your home now as well as mine.”

The people in my life who I could really trust were few in number. Madison was one of those people. Everything I wanted revolved around her—or us—together. There had been a time when my feelings and future were not even at the forefront of my mind, but now, all my cards were on the table. I was willing and ready to move forward.

“Thank you again for what you’ve done for my parents.”

She turned in my arms so that she was now facing me, her back resting on the glass. This was her power over me—her unconditional love. Her certainty in me ran deeper as we approached each new step of our relationship. If we stumbled, the other was there to catch them. I hadn’t grown up feeling anything remotely close to this. Yes, I had Ben, but it was only after my father’s passing that our relationship grew.

“What we’ve done Madison. This is a team effort.”

Moving forward, everything we would do would be as a couple. Acknowledging this fact warmed me to the core.

“Hungry? Tired?” I asked. “The evening is ours.”

She shrugged, then tiptoed to plant a quick kiss on my cheek.

“Maybe just a quiet evening alone?”

“I have a surprise for you.”

Unbeknownst to her, I was bursting at the seams, but a moment of insecurity swept in to deflate my joyous moment. I stamped it down and kicked it away.

“For me?” Her smile was giddy, lighting up her face. “We just got home! How is this even possible?”

Her skeptical eyes were challenging me.

“Humor me,” I said, gently leading her, our fingers entangled. Excitement was brewing in me as if Christmas morning had just arrived.

“I can do that.”

She trailed behind me as I continued to lead her through the great room, passing the kitchen, past my workout room. I stopped at the one remaining door on the main floor.

“Open it,” I said, watching as she pushed the door and stepped over the threshold. The only visible light was the moon shining bright in the sky. I flipped the light switch on.

Then I heard her breath catch.

I watched as she stopped dead, as her gaze bounced off every wall, taking in every single detail. We didn’t exchange words, not at first. Her expression said it all, but I had to admit that the men I had contracted for the job had done an outstanding job.

She gently dragged her finger over the white, kidney-shaped desk, perfectly placed to emphasize the ongoing floor-to-ceiling windows. I knew her view would be spectacular in the morning light, but for now, only the outdoor landscape light gently glowed, buried within the landscaping of flowers and greenery. I observed her as she memorized every detail.

The opposing wall sat a golden granite workstation, with white and gray streaking through the pattern running the length of the wall. The elevation was specifically designed to her height, and also accommodated for tasks that required space. I’d witnessed her using our kitchen floor as a temporary workstation, and this was definitely an upgrade.

There was also wood flooring, and crystal lamps sat on either end of her desk. A touch of greenery was placed by the window, a large fern reaching for the sun. A corner was notched out with an inviting cream-colored, down-filled chair. A matching ottoman faced the window. A sewing station with a state-of-the-art machine was sitting on top.

The art was sparse, yet what stood out was one piece. A watercolor rectangular in shape, it was wide enough to hang over the length of the work station. It was done in tans, grays, and golds. All of its delicate features were calming, and the distressed white frame surrounded it peacefully. The artist was signed as simply Eden.

Madison turned as I leaned against the door frame, watching her admire her new office.

“Alex.”

“Speechless? That’s a first.” I slowly approached her. “I wanted you to have a special place all your own here, whether you moved in or not. I wanted you to feel comfortable here with me.”

“I didn’t realize you had such a romantic streak.” Her arms snuck around my neck. “Thank you for that—for all of this, but also for knowing me so well, and anticipating my needs before I asked. For not just speaking of love, but showing me love.”

It was all coming together.

“I’m pleased to see how much you like it.”

I lifted her and wrapped her in my arms. Her mouth was level with mine as our lips touched gently and she sweetly opened her mouth to me. My tongue couldn’t wait to mate with hers. As I came up for air at one point, she slid down my body, urging me on. I felt a need rising deep within me, a physical awareness, an excitement.

I swiftly threw her over my shoulder, and she shrieked in laughter.

“Caveman want woman!” I shouted.

She giggled as I climbed the steps leading to our bedroom.

“Aren’t you supposed to be carrying a club?”

I tossed her on the bed.

“Club? Not with my woman. She’s more than willing.”

I unbuttoned my shirt and tossed it on the floor.

“Cocky caveman.”

I raise an eyebrow as I dropped my belt and my zipper growled open. Then my pants were discarded, my Calvins tossed.

“Strip, woman. I know I left that club around here somewhere.”

She beat me to naked faster than I could get my shoes off. Fuck.

The next two hours were spent playing the domineering version of myself, as Madison gave me her complete surrender. I didn’t ever recall enjoying the playful side of sex, but now, with Madison, it was unlimited. She had reminded me that love mixed with sex was powerful, and anything less paled in comparison.

Eventually we slept, and our bodies hummed with contentment. My last memory was of being snuggled into her back, my arm encompassing her body. As my face was buried in her long blonde hair, there was the scent of an unnamed flower in the air.

 

***

 

I woke alone the next morning, the sheets cool, and no Madison. Postponing a shower, I reached for my robe in search of my new roomie. I found her in her new office. I silently observed her as I caught the sun glimmering in the room, giving it a soft warmth. Her laptop was open, and her fingers were diligently typing away. A cup of coffee sat by her side.

“Good morning.”

“Alex!”

She exploded from her seat, urging me to take in the view. The thrill of it all was still stampeding through her as I took hold of her hand. Standing side by side and admiring the morning view, we watched as the sun ricocheted off the mountains, causing a glow only nature could create. The experience felt surreal.

“It’s magnificent.”

All I knew was that this woman soothed me.

“I just emailed the apartment management coordinator, turning in my thirty-day notice. I also mentioned that I would be there to sort everything out in person.”

Her gaze lifted to mine.

I couldn’t have been happier by the progress she was making.

“Once my parents are settled in, of course.”

“Of course,” I repeated, distracted by her makeup-free beauty. Her long blonde hair was sweeping down past her shoulders. Her scent smelled like flowers. I reached for a lock of her hair, stroking it between my fingers. I was feeling quite vulnerable, exposing how much I cherished her every attribute, and she was watching my every move.

“Then I’ll be working on Eden’s dress. What are your plans today?”

“I plan to check in with Theo, to see if he has any time for me.”

We both understood why this was a good idea, although neither one of us elaborated on it.

“Good. Maybe ask him to stay for lunch, and let Mrs. Davis know.”

I kissed her, leaving her to resume her work. A surge of pride overtook me as I left her office, knowing she was feeling a sense of belonging here in our home, by my side.

After sending Theo a text, I stepped into the shower and turned the hot water up high. My thoughts scattered. I didn’t want to talk about what I had gone through, but I had to. I had promised myself, and I had promised Madison. I wanted to control the flashbacks and blackouts, not the other way around. Right now, they definitely controlled me. I just hoped Theo could help me find my way back.

Wrapped in only a towel, I checked my phone again.

 

“Thank you, man. I need to escape from all this talk of flower arrangements and napkin colors. I’m leaving now, so I’ll be at your house in thirty. Need coffee.”

 

I smirked at my friend’s message, knowing in truth that he was loving every second of his bride-to-be’s endless lists and planning. He’d been snagged, as well. I guess when you knew, you knew.

I opened the door as soon as I heard the knock, coffee in hand.

“Here.”

“What service!” he said, then followed me in.

“You staying for lunch? I’ll let Mrs. Davis know.”

I glanced over my shoulder, then disappeared into the kitchen.

“Sure.”

He found a seat in the great room, close to the large stone fireplace. Then he sipped his coffee, simply waiting.

“So.” I took a seat close to him. “Don’t you ever work anymore?”

Theo’s brows rose.

“Private practice has its perks.” He smiled. “The house is in utter chaos, so I welcome the distraction.”

Distraction. I wasn’t ready to go there, and we both knew it. Theo was dancing around the issue, but he knew how to break a horse. If I began to recede, he would carefully tighten the reins. I clung to his confidence, trusting he would guide me to safety.

“What changed your mind?”

He started easy, his gaze searching mine over the rim of his coffee cup.

“I haven’t changed my mind. I still want to bury it deep and move on.”

“But that’s not working, is it?”

“No, the nightmares haven’t started again, but it’s something worse.”

Theo’s reaction was even keeled—calm, even.

“Blackouts. I had one in New York in the hospital.” I filled him in on every detail Madison had shared with me. “I don’t recall any of it.”

And that’s what had bothered me the most: the control it had over me.

“Alex, it’s just a way for your mind to run away and escape to a place that feels safe. Your subconscious is acting as a guard over your fears and protecting you from harm.”

“That sounds like an accurate description.”

“It’s the way we’re wired. The human brain basically works in survival mode, always protecting itself from damage.” He set his cup on the table and leaned his forearms on his knees. “A small trigger can set off PTSD, and your brain took the brunt of it, but you’re lucky you’ve only experienced the blackout.”

“You’re probably right,” I said, reluctantly.

I had the greatest respect for Theo, along with his craft, and his wisdom, but I was an impatient man. I wanted to be fixed immediately, with no trace of the accident or its aftermath in my heart. I wanted no part of the scars or the thoughts that invaded my mind at the most inopportune times.

“Don’t let that define you.”

It was as if he was reading me.

“I have reason to believe that this is all temporary. As long as you keep an open dialog about your experiences, I can help you with that.”

I stood and started to pace, wrestling with the final matter I wanted to discuss, the one that would sound insane. I halted, my toe tapping out a staccato rhythm, trying to find the words.

“What is it, Alex?”

He rested back in his chair, his hands steepled together.

“There’s one more thing messing with my head—a feeling that I’m being watched. Madison feels it, too. I have no evidence to support this claim, just a sixth sense.”

It sounded even more like a foolish notion as I said the words aloud.

“After what’s happened, we can’t be certain. You may indeed be experiencing the real thing, but it also feeds into the slight paranoia symptoms. My bigger concern is that Maddie is experiencing this, too. There very well may be a cause for concern. It couldn’t hurt to get Steel’s men on it, to check it out.”

A fact that frustrated me above all else was that something darker was replacing the old fears with new fears. Would I ever be able to outrun these memories?

“You can’t just waltz back into your old life as if nothing has happened. You said it yourself, you’ve had nightmares, blackouts, and people watching you. I believe these things need a voice. They need to be heard. Pushing your feelings away and burying your fears will only build and tear you apart. Trust me, Alex.”

“This insane weakness…”

I held the words back. No guy wanted to reveal any flaw that made him look like less of a man.

“Don’t think of it as a weakness, it’s only a symptom.”

“I just want to be whole again,” I said, my head held low as my emotions welled up. I cursed softly as I swiped the dampness away.

“I can help you get there, but you have to let me.”

I nodded, trying like hell to swallow the lump in my throat before it swallowed me.

“We need to do this again, Alex.”

“Did you forget I have a wedding to plan?”

“Plan? You mean attend.”

We shared a smile.

“Don’t forget we have to get our tuxes this week.”

“Any time. Just let me know.”

“And Theo, thank you.”

 

***

 

With each passing day, Madison’s daily routine blended more with mine. Seamlessly, we became one. A simple grain of hope blossomed into a well-nurtured bond, where trust and love were expressed freely—not only in words, but through our actions.

Her parents were due to arrive today. We’d worked hard the past several days to make the transition as comfortable as possible for them. The car was due to arrive here in an hour. I found Madison in the East Wing after searching her office and several other key places.

I approached the bedroom, the light spilling softly through the window, revealing itself through the sheer drapes. She was busying herself, replacing odds and ends and relocating the smallest of details.

“Are you nervous?”

She startled at my question and jumped.

“Well, that answers that.” I quickly moved closer, wrapping her in my arms. “It’s perfect. Look at how well it turned out.”

“I know.”

“What is it, Madison?”

I sat at the chair, facing the windows, and tugged her close to me to do the same.

“My hope is that I can convince them to move from New York to somewhere close to us. They’re getting older, and I still need that connection, long-term. My father will be tough, though. He won’t acquiesce to a major change easily. This is my way of introducing him to the beauty of this part of the country. My mother, on the other hand, is a pushover. Wherever I am, she’ll follow.”

“That’s a great plan. We could even sweeten the deal by locating some homes for sale, and when your father feels up to it, entice him to start looking at the ones you’ve already previewed.”

I heard a sigh as the thought sunk its way in to hear mind, and then a small smile appeared on her face.

“Let’s check on lunch, and then greet them downstairs when they arrive.”

Her heart was so big, and guilt rose in me as I tried to remember the last time I’d visited my mother and Ben. Where the hell had he been, anyway? I knew he was coming to the wedding, and bringing Jordon. A sense of curiosity struck me. We were definitely due for a long conversation.

Suddenly we heard the sound of car doors shutting, and together we opened the door as the driver unloaded their luggage.

Michelle dove into Madison’s arms.

“What a beautiful home, Alex.”

Her father was a bit slower, and I saw Michelle retreat to secure her husband’s climb. He appeared happy and smiling. This was a very good sign.

“Sweet Maddie, give your dad a hug.”

A tear escaped her eye when her gaze met her father’s. As I recalled, she had always been a daddy’s girl. She quickly obeyed, and I looked away when I witnessed his eyes pool. A man as stoic as James would not want to share his tender side publicly. Only with his daughter would he reveal those private feelings.

“James,” I said, after a moment, shaking his hand firmly. “Welcome. Please come in. Madison has so much to share with you.”

I hugged Michelle, then helped with the luggage and instructed the driver on what room to bring the bags.

“How is he?” Madison asked her mother as they walked by, arm in arm.

“So much better, dear, and I know this trip will play a huge role in his physical therapy and eagerness to thrive. We’re so appreciative of Alex’s offer.”

“We’re happy, too. I’ll help you both get settled in and unpacked, then we can give you the tour of the place and have a bite to eat. I know Mrs. Davis is cooking up something special.”

As we sat at the dining room table a while later, I was pleased to hear the positive reactions to my home. They appeared genuinely pleased and excited about their potential place here. I’d always wondered if one day this home would be filled with love and a real family. Now I believed that dream was truly possible.

“You’ve met Theo and Eden already.”

They both nodded, enjoying the garlic and herb pork tenderloin, red potatoes with fresh green beans, and yellow squash sautéed in avocado oil.

“They’ve also invited you to attend their wedding. Madison is Eden’s maid of honor, and I’m Alex’s best man, so we hope you’ll join us.”

They gaze at each other as if in silent discussion, and then it appeared as if a decision had been made.”

“We would love to,” Michelle said.

“Eden has outdone herself, and she’s becoming a very sought-after artist, too. Her creativity will shine through on her special day.”

Madison cleared her throat, preparing to inform them that she would be leaving. I knew she wasn’t too eager to be leaving them so soon.

“I hate to go, but I have a small trip planned back to Sacramento. I’m finalizing the move and packing a few things. Since the apartment came furnished, it will require little to do. The manufacturer and my company will remain there, but I can efficiently work from here. I’ll only be gone a couple of days at most.”

“So, this is a permanent move you’re making—to be here with Alex?”

James speared me with a hard look.

“Yes,” I chimed in, not willing to let Madison take the heat. “It wasn’t easy to convince her—trust me.” I took a sip of wine. “Of course, we had planned for her to be here the entire time of your stay, but I wanted something more long-term.”

I reached for my napkin, wiping my mouth, stalling, only to gather my thoughts.

“I love your daughter, James—and Michelle.” I moved my gaze from one to the other. “I just couldn’t see my life without her here with me. I want a future with her. I see what you two have, and I’d like that for myself. A lifetime of memories.”

“I’m happy for you both.” Michelle reached for Madison’s hand over the table.

I wait for the colonel to speak.

“As long as my daughter is happy, I support and trust her decisions.”

I didn’t anticipate this conversation, but I was pleased it was brought up. It needed to be said, and I needed them to know my intensions were honorable, and that I was a man they could trust—especially following the Graham disaster.

What no one knew was that I wanted her more each day. One day I would ask for her hand in marriage. I was certain I would know when the time was right, and then and only then would I ask James officially to marry his daughter.