all help you. We won’t let you go anywhere and
especially you won’t be alone.”
I nod, overwhelmed.
“But I do think you should seriously consider
the idea of calling your family. You need them.”
“It’s just … I’m not brave enough.”
“You can do it,” he says, squeezing my hand.
“And now, let us get you a cup of tea and pamper
you a bit, okay? It seems like you need it.”
“What about the pub?” I ask, alarmed.
“Patrick is downstairs,” he says, breaking our
eye contact for a moment. “And the guys. Rain
will be here soon and as soon as she is, she’ll come
up and take our place. We don’t want you to be
alone.”
I nod again, unable to find my pride and try to
refuse their help and make a show of some kind, a
pretence that I can make it on my own. Because
the truth is, I can’t. I do need help. I’m just an
immature young woman with no experience who
let herself get knocked up by an idiot and who was
about to fall in love with a bastard who specializes
in confusing your ideas and fogging up your mind,
but won’t ever be able to give anything to anyone.
The only person Patrick loves is Patrick.
Patrick
The guys have been up there for forty minutes and
seventeen seconds. They’re still pissed with me
about what happened in London and ruining the
offer that was proposed to us.
They left me here at the counter, begging me
not to show my face upstairs and to calm down
because let’s face it, I’m a concentration of rage
that’s ready to explode and take down everything
with me.
How the hell could she say those things to me?
After I was close to her, after I offered her my
help. Accusing me of having taken advantage of
her! If she only knew that every kiss I gave her my
legs were shaking, my lips, even my heart! I knew
it! Christ, I always knew it! Look what happens if
you lower your guard five minutes.
“Patrick.”
Shit, that’s all that was missing was her. Now
everybody’s here, all accounted for. All the people
who hate Patrick?
Check.
I turn without really looking at her and jut out
my chin, which means, ‘I hear you’.
“Are they still up there?”
“Of course. They’re trying to figure out a way
to get rid of me.”
Rain takes a few deep breaths before sitting on a
stool in front of me.
“Patrick Doyle, I love you, you know. You’re
like a brother to me, but let me tell you something.
You’re a boy who hasn’t ever fully grown up, you
are irresponsible and counterproductive. You’re a
disaster in every way. You’re arrogant and have a
devil-may-care philosophy about a lot of things
and you’re quite arrogant.”
Okay, I’m not shocked by her words, but they
do bother me because she is my family and I
thought she saw something more in me.
“Do you know why I allowed you to get close
to her even though I know you so well? Because I
saw something in you. A spark that was in your
eyes the night you went out there and gave Nate
what he had coming to him. And I saw another one
when you went with her to go get her things. And
another one still when you were playing with the
band and you had an expression on your face of
someone who would drop to his knees and beg the
woman he loves to be his forever. You see, I
thought that with her you would finally cool off a
bit, that you would confess to yourself that you’re
better than what you want yourself to believe. And
instead, it seems I was wrong, because here you
are being what you always are, making the same
mistakes and you don’t let anybody get close to
you and love you.”
“You know full well what I am, Rain. I never
kept it a secret. This is it,” I say, spreading out my
arms. “All I am is this piece of shit, there’s nothing
else there, and I’ve got nothing to hide, no deep
feelings or anything else, okay? Get it into your
head!”
I finish up my little discourse by raising my
voice a few decibels.
“You’ve disappointed me, Patrick,” she says,
starting to shake. “I did expect better of you,” she
concludes on the verge of tears as she gets up and
heads upstairs.
There is no place I cannot go … My mind is
muddy but my heart is heavy. Does it show? I lose
the track that loses me, so here I go.
What do they all want from me? What are they
trying to find under the surface? I’m not hiding
anything. I am an absolute nothing and will remain
so. For all of my fucking life. I will not let myself
be taken for a fool anymore nor will I ever let a
woman try to get close to what she doesn’t know,
something that’s so deep inside of me, that is total
blackness and all it does is suck everything into
itself in an instant to then destroy it in a second.
Because I destroy every fucking thing.
Give me reason but don’t give me choice …
’Cause I’ll just make the same mistake agai
The last words of that depressed asshole James
Blunt push me over the edge and I turn my back to
the counter and throw the glass I was washing
against the wall. I throw it with all the force I have
Same Mistake, James Blunt, All the Lost Souls
in my body. It’s enough to almost dislocate my
shoulder.
The customers all turn to see what’s happening
and I come up with some stupid excuse to get
away from this disgusting pub, this stupid family
and from her and the hope that there could be
something more for me than this emptiness I bring
around with me.
I approach a table with three girls where the one
who was waiting for me the other night happened
to be when I ignored all the bells going off in my
head and I went to Erin instead of having some fun
with that one.
Two lines of chat, another round on the house,
and she’s already on my bike with her arms around
my waist.
I go to her place and I don’t even have my foot
in the door and I’m on her. I’m hungry and all I
want to do is lose myself and get that image of
Erin rubbing her rounded belly out of my fucking
head.
I kiss her, I bite her, I undress her of what little
she’s wearing before hitting the bedroom. I give
her a light push to lay her out before me and I
jump on her as if she were my prey, as if tasting
her would satiate me, would give me back what I
had and what I threw away for a pair of dark eyes.
She unbuttons my jeans and takes my top off
saying something about my tattoos but I can’t hear
her. I can’t feel her … her hands, her wet tongue
playing around just where it shouldn’t be.
I don’t feel anything except an echo of contempt
that I feel with myself right now. As I try to drown
a soul that is trying hard to stay afloat, that’s
begging for help and finally lets go of the hand of
who’s trying to pull him out of the water.
16
Erin
“Hi, Dad.”
“Hey, honey, I haven’t heard from you in a
while. How are things?”
I finally have the courage to call my dad and tell
him what’s happening with me.
“How are your studies going? How’s Nate?”
I sigh and decide it’s better to just get right to it.
“Nate and I broke up.”
“What, how? When?”
“Nate’s got someone else, Dad.”
“What kind of … I’ll come back to Dublin right
away and we’ll get things worked out.”
“I’ve found a place to stay.”
“Another place? And how are you paying for it,
dear?”
“Well, for now I’m not paying rent. The guys at
the pub are letting me use the apartment above it.
I’m here for now.”
“You’re living in that place? ” he says
condescendingly.
“It’s not a bad place, Dad.”
“Do you need money? I can send a wire
transfer.”
“No, Dad, I don’t need money. I just…”
“Erin, you’re making me worry.”
“I just need you, Dad.”
“What’s happening, are you in trouble?”
What’s happening? I’m pregnant dad. Very
pregnant.
I rub my belly unconsciously as I try to find the
right words to tell my dad he’s going to be a
grandfather.
“I miss you.”
What a coward I am.
“I just miss my dad,” I say like a five-year-old
baby.
“Oh honey, I’ll try to leave tomorrow.”
I’m not strong enough to tell him on the phone
and I sure don’t know how I’m going to do it when
he’s standing in front of me. But the time has come
to tell everyone. I can’t hide it anymore.
~ ~ ~
I get my books and start studying for the upcoming
exam. It’s already late and I should be sleeping so I
can wake up relaxed and less tired than usual but
I’ve rested too much today and I’m not that tired
now. What’s more, I’m hungry. I’m craving
pancakes but they just make me think of Patrick.
I sigh and get back to my studies but every
excuse is good for a distraction. I am miles away
from these books, from what I’m trying to study.
They say all roads lead to Rome … all my roads
lead to him.
Then I get up off the couch and go to the
window that looks out over the street and his
motorcycle isn’t out there. I decide to go down,
maybe get a cup of tea with Rain who’s working
tonight, seeing as he’s not there.
I slip my shoes on and a zip-up sweatshirt that I
can barely close, but by now everybody knows,
there’s no use trying to hide it. I get down to the
bar counter where Rain is laughing at something
that Liam just said and I decide to go back because
I can’t stand being around their love right now, but
before I can turn around I smack right into
something thick and massive.
My legs are quivering.
I don’t need to turn around. I know it’s him.
I can sense his presence like I know myself, as
if it was something that belonged to me. His hand
brushes my shoulder and I tremble at his touch
because I’ve missed him and I’m still missing him,
but I can’t give in and go back on what I’ve
already decided.
“Erin…” he whispers in my ear in that rough
sexy voice and God only knows what else. “Don’t
run away, I beg you.”
I shake my head and choke back the tears and
pray to God that this is some kind of hormonal
hallucination. I’m not strong enough to let him go.
“I’d like to talk to you. I need to talk to you.”
I grab my courage and breathe in before saying:
“We don’t have anything to say to each other.”
Then I free myself from his grasp and go back
upstairs with a shoulder that still burns from his
touch. I climb the stairs knowing that he is behind
me. Patrick isn’t one who easily gives up. I try to
shut the door in his face but he blocks it with his
foot. So I run into the bedroom and lock the door.
“Erin, please.”
“Go away, Patrick.”
“I’m not going anywhere and I swear to you,
I’ll kick down this fucking door if you don’t open
it.”
I back away from the door as soon as I start to
hear him punching it.
A few hits and the door gives way to his weight.
I cover my mouth with my hand and let out a
terrified scream of surprise and he doesn’t miss a
second, coming right at me and wrapping me up in
his secure embrace and covering my mouth with
his.
It’s not a delicate kiss, it’s not sweet. It’s strong
and raw and possessive.
Patrick eats my lips, he bites them with his
teeth, he sucks them and then he licks them in this
vortex of emotions. I completely lose control
because my hormones are going nuts and I want to
feel him inside of me right now.
He takes off my top and throws it on the floor
and his shirt ends up right next to mine a second
later. I don’t have anything on under it, I haven’t
had time to buy anything for my new chest size
and at the sight of my bare amplified breasts, he
lets out a growl that I can feel on every inch of my
body.
He lifts me as if I hadn’t put on ten pounds and
lays me on the bed. He kneels in front of me and
just stares at me, like he wants to memorize every
detail, every inch of my body.
I shiver at the idea and blush before he leans
over me and starts kissing my hips.
The outburst has been set aside and is
substituted with infinite sweetness and brings tears
to my eyes in thirty seconds. I cover my eyes with
my hands but it’s too late. He continues kissing me
and caressing me, as if I were the most beautiful
thing he’d ever seen in his life.
He slowly rises up toward my breast, where he
doesn’t stop even if inwardly I’m imploring him to
take me in his mouth and suck until I shout for him
to stop. He starts kissing me again when he gets to
the breastbone, passing the clavicle and going back
up along my neck, where he starts leaving a path
of little bites that set me aflame and I need to
orgasm soon, and possibly more than once.
He arrives at my lips and licks so lightly the
bottom one only and a gasp escapes me and it’s a
foreshadowing of what’s going to happen.
Then he looks me in the eye and it’s him, it’s my
Patrick. His eyes are sweet and sensual and I’d like
to run in this darkness and turn on a lantern to help
show him the way to my heart.
“Forgive me. Forgive me for the crap I said and
for having made you cry, for having broken your
door and jumped you. I promised I wouldn’t do it,
but knowing that you didn’t want me near you … I
went out of my head, Erin.”
I nod a few times to let him know it’s okay,
even if in reality it isn’t.
“You drive me insane. I completely lose control
when it comes to you and I can’t allow myself to
lose it, do you understand? I could only do
something bad. To both of us.”
“Patrick…”
“Please, forgive me. I can’t stay.”
“Wha… what?”
He sits up with his shoulders towards me. He
drops his head into his hands before speaking to
me without lifting his head.
“I’m no good for you, can’t you see that? You
can’t want this … you can’t want me for you and
your baby.”
He stands up and goes towards the living room
before leaving me with the words that will break
my heart.
“I can’t allow you to fall in love with me.”
Patrick
I sit on the floor under the counter with a bottle of
Jameson in my hand. The others have gone home
while I can’t leave this place because I know she’s
up there alone.
I jumped her like I would any other girl I want
to have fun with. I jumped her with no regard for
her feelings, without thinking, without reasoning.
And then, I walked away. All that sweetness, all
those feelings … they completely destabilized me.
I thought I could do it but she is too much for me,
I’m not able to contain everything I feel. I am not
able to maintain control.
I want her, I desire her, and I want to spend
every night with her in my arms, to help her…
I want her goddamnit.
All of her.
But I’m not able to, I don’t know how it’s done
… I’m not able to love.
What can I do? Stay with her? Raise somebody
else’s child? Me? The guy that’s always refused
the idea of a family, me who doesn’t want to end
up like my parents, that doesn’t want to live in a
shithole of a house in a rat hole of a neighborhood
with six mouths to feed and a part-time job?
Okay, things are going well for me now, I’m
alone and I have no responsibility, I have no one to
maintain and no one to take care of.
And I’m not able to face anything more than
day-to-day life where I am all that matters.
Love consumes you, it bends you and it
destroys you.
I bang my head against the wood, cursing
myself for having gone to that girl’s house and
trying to screw her and then leaving half naked
with my mind completely flooded with Erin, Erin,
Erin.
I wasn’t able even to look at her.
Couldn’t do it.
And now I’m here cursing myself for having
followed her upstairs, jumping her and then
leaving her alone. In front of her body I couldn’t
hold back. I just wanted to kiss her, her sweet
stomach that drives me insane, her swollen breasts
and her pink round face. I wanted to kiss every
part of her. And I can’t explain myself, I can’t tell
you why her body excites me more than anything
I’ve ever seen in my life.
She’s pregnant. By someone else.
And I wish it were mine.
That they were both mine.
I must have drunk too much and am completely
delusional by this point, but it feels like someone
is calling me.
“Patrick…”
I shake from my stupor that I was wallowing in
and try to stand up and don’t make a good show of
it.
“Get outta here, Erin. You shouldn’t be next to
me, especially in these conditions.”
“It’s not the first time I’ve seen you drunk.”
“No, I don’t imagine it is, nope.”
She comes towards me slowly and tries to touch
my face but I pull back, turning away.
Her hand remains in the air and I can hear her
disappointment even if I don’t see it painted in her
eyes.
Erin doesn’t give up; she takes another step and
forces me to turn, taking my face in her hands. Her
eyes are kind, sincere and so sweet, chocolate
colored, the good kind that in my house we only
bought once a year at Christmas.
She smiles at me and I melt like a baby in front
of a puppy, like an idiot in love and completely
gone, slave to something I didn’t look for, but did
manage to unearth despite it’s being far from the
sun.
Because this girl is like the unexpected sun that
turns up on a crappy day. One of those days you’re
convinced it’ll never stop raining. And yet, it does,
the clouds open up and the first rays of light
appear in the sky, letting you know that
tomorrow’s going to be a better day.
That’s how I feel when she looks at me. I feel
hope grow and life is colored in a hundred shades
and my heart starts to beat again.
Why is she so special? Why is she able to make
me believe I can be different, to be better than
what I was yesterday?
“Erin…” I make a last attempt, trying to think
like the old Patrick, even if I know it’s too late for
that. The old Patrick is waving goodbye from a
distance and slamming the door behind him.
I let her touch my face with her warm hand and
it’s shaking and I feel a strange sensation, a sort of
tickling in my eyes.
Am I about to cry?
“Don’t do it, please. You’re going to get hurt.
You’ll hurt yourself. You said it, I’m good for a
night and a goodbye kiss.”
“I’m scared too,” she says instead.
“I can’t take care of anyone.”
“You’ve been doing it all your life,” she says
sweetly.
“You don’t know what you’re saying, Erin. I’m
not able to think about anyone besides myself.”
“You’ve been taking care of your family since
you were just a boy.”
I look at her, confused.
“Did you think I didn’t know? And you take
care of your friends, and you’ve looked after
Rain.”
I shake my head back and forth and bite my
cheek so hard it starts to bleed. Anything not to cry
in front of her.
“I’m tired of spinning in circles, I’m exhausted
of taking care of everything and everyone … I
can’t take any more on my plate, I can’t take care
of you.”
Her smile widens even more and I think I’ll die
of shame in light of her shared confidence.
“Then I’ll take care of you. ”
“You’ll what?” I let go of my cheek and a big
fucking tear slides down the corner of my eye and
falls until it hits the corner of my mouth.
She steps closer and rests her forehead against
mine. “I’ll take care of your heart and make sure
nothing bad happens to it.”
“Erin…”
“Shh! Everything’s going to be alright, trust
me.”
And so let’s see, asshole, idiot and let’s add
coward to the CV.
She’s the one who needs someone to support
her and help her, not me. She needs me, not the
other way around.
“And if I screw it up? If I should hurt you?
Make you suffer?”
“One day at a time. We’ll try it together. I’m
letting you into my life, Patrick Doyle, I’m giving
you my trust.”
“You’re giving your trust to someone who
leaves the next day?” I ask, incredulous.
“We’ll start by spending this night together. And
tomorrow we’ll think about the rest,” she says as
she takes my hand and asks me to follow her.
And I follow her upstairs, where she lays me on
the bed and lies next to me, hugging me and
reassuring me, warming me with her body and her
heart.
I rest my head on her chest and place a hand on
her stomach and she sighs. I caress her under her
shirt to feel her skin with my fingers, to feel this
life that is growing inside of her and that is asking
me to stay.
And I want to stay, damn it.
I really do.
Tonight and tomorrow morning.
And all of the days that are to come.
17
Erin
“Are you sure you want to go alone? I can go with
you,” Patrick says as I try to prepare myself
psychologically to go to the airport to meet my
father. He’ll be here in the afternoon. He called me
this morning to tell me he had booked the first
flight for Dublin.
“This is something I have to do by myself.”
He nods, not very convinced.
“Erin,” he starts, uncertain. “About last night
—”
“We don’t have to talk about it right now,” I
interrupt him. “I was already out of sorts after
what’s happened and now my dad’s coming … I
don’t want to analyze it all now.”
“I think we’re going to have to face it.”
I nod in agreement and take a deep breath.
“I know, just not right now.”
His cell phone has been going off incessantly
for a few minutes. Patrick looks at the display
distractedly and then decides not to take the call.
“You should answer,” I tell him, giving him a
sideways glance.
“Whatever it is it can wait.”
I go to him and take the phone out of his pocket.
I push the green button and hand it to him.
I don’t want him to forget about everything else
just because he’s with me now.
He reluctantly responds. A few phrases and he
wrinkles his forehead and starts to drum his fingers
nervously on the kitchen counter. He closes the
phone and looks at me uncertainly.
“What’s the matter?”
“It was Ciara. My … father showed up at my
house.” He huffs, dark in the face.
“What?”
“And it went badly. My brother Danny beat him
up.”
My heart tightens in my chest at the idea of a
father that could abandon his children like that,
without looking back, only to show up when it’s
convenient for him knowing how it will upset
them.
Patrick is worried, I can read it very clearly in
his eyes. He’d like to run there and punch
everything up and I can’t help but worry that it
could truly happen. But I can’t keep him here or
oblige him to stay with me. He has to worry about
his family and resolve the situation.
“You have to go to him, he needs you.”
“You need me.”
“I’m fine and in a little bit I’m going to collect
my father. It’ll be okay.” I smile at him.
“You’ll call me if there should be any problems,
right?” he asks worriedly.
“Go on,” I reply, turning my back to him.
“Erin…”
In an instant his breath is on my neck.
“I just wanted to tell you I’m sorry for
everything.”
I turn around again and caress his full beard.
“I know.” I smile again.
“I’ll make it up to you, I promise.”
“There’s nothing to forgive, Patrick. It was just
a moment, you lost control, that’s it.”
“It should never happen again.”
I look at him, tilting my head and trying to
figure out what this means. “And what does that
mean exactly?”
“You have to promise me that if something like
that should happen again where I lose control, for
any reason, in any moment, that you will get far
away from me, kicking me if necessary, so that I
cannot and do not want to hurt you in any way.”
“Patrick…”
“You have to promise me, Erin.”
His words scare and confuse me.
“Please,” he implores me.
“I promise you, Patrick.”
He sighs and comes a bit closer and gives me a
chaste kiss on the cheek and goes, leaving me
perplexed.
I can’t understand why he’s so scared of hurting
me. I know anything could happen with anyone.
Look at Nate for example.
Nate. Thinking of him makes me sad instantly.
Not so much because I miss him but because I
realize how easy it was to set aside my feelings
and not only because he betrayed me and fell in
love with someone else. It was enough for me just
to be near Patrick for a few minutes to understand
that what I felt for Nate was nothing in comparison
to what I feel when I’m looking into Patrick’s eyes
and what I feel in my heart when it’s close to his.
How could I believe that what I had before with
Nate was love? How could I have imagined even
for a minute that I could have had a future with
him?
What I feel for Patrick is intense and
destabilizing. It scares me and leaves me wanting
more at the same time. To have him for me, for us.
That’s right because I’m not alone anymore,
there are two of us and I understand having me
means a lot more than having a relationship with
two people.
I’m going to have a child. My life will change,
my priorities will change, and everything will be
different. Difficult and complicated. I really don’t
know if Patrick will be able to handle all this and
his request only makes me dubious but it’s too late
to turn back now.
By now, I’m in the thick of it with all my heart.
I already feel like I can’t and don’t want to give
him up.
I want him. For myself. For us. With all that
comes with it, the risks and the fear.
Even if it should break my heart.
Patrick
My mother is completely shaken. I went to see
what I could do to ameliorate the damage caused
once again by the man who should be my father.
He shows up once or twice a month at my family’s
house, to see my brothers, Robbie and Danny. No
big deal, he just drops by, has a cup of coffee, a
chat about nothing. But more often than not, he’s
drunk, which only causes trouble and upsets
everyone with his presence. But Robbie and
Danny were still little when he left and still hope
and believe that he is something better than he is.
They decided to give him a chance, a trust that he
has never deserved and every single time they end
up being disappointed.
This time, the situation has degenerated. My
dad can’t stand the sight of Carl and when Danny
called him ‘Dad’ in front of him, he lost control
and threw himself at his wife’s new man.
Danny loves Carl as if he really were his father
and ran across to defend him. He came out of it
with a bloody nose and a busted lip.
I found him on the couch at home as my mother
was trying to patch him up, and he’s still angry
because of the fight. Carl is sitting in the corner
feeling guilty as always for just being there. As if
it were really his fault.
How is it possible to abandon a family like that?
To deny them everything when it mattered and
then to show up when you feel like it and just
create problems? How can you get married, have
children and then destroy it all? Kill all of their
dreams, make them feel worthless, leave them with
their ass on the ground with no security or money?
That’s what love is? This is what we’re reduced
to? This is what love reduces people to?
None of my siblings got out without damage
from our father in our lives, just like our mother.
We carry the wounds that have healed. The ones
that teach you that life can be a real shit sandwich,
and so can love. That certain people hurt you and
frequently they do it on purpose. You can’t even
trust your own parents, because they too could
leave you in any moment and then there you are
alone and insecure with your hopes down the drain
and your heart turned to stone.
After having calmed Danny down and
reassuring mom that everything’s going to be fine,
that I will always take care of them, I go back to
the pub. Tonight I have to work even if I’d like to
run to her to find out how things are going with
her father.
So I make my way to the door of Only4you with
my morale in the toilet, worried about my family
and in desperate need of some dark liquid to drown
my anxiety in.
I feel a wreck, and without any certainties. I
think that my life is a big disaster, everything
always goes wrong. There doesn’t seem to be any
hope to breathe in any happiness and love when
people hurt each other, deliberately trading barbs
with little regard for the consequences.
What’s the use of even trying? What’s the use of
trying to find a reason to go on?
Life bends you.
Love breaks you.
Hope fogs your mind and then shows itself for
what it really is, just a little cloud that doesn’t
permit you to see reality clearly.
I am so worn down by what’s happened and
wrapped in clouds of dark thoughts. I raise my
glance and her eyes capture me, they tie me to her
and drag me to her feet.
After having held my breath and my rage for
hours, I completely melt in her arms where I fall
hard without thinking of the consequences.
She holds me tight and whispers words I don’t
hear with my ears but which have a healing effect
on my open, bleeding wounds.
Lost and insecure … You found me, you found
me … Lyin’ on the floor … Surrounded,
surrounded.
The words of the song playing in the pub reveal
what has been hidden to my own eyes. What I
didn’t want to see or understand. What I denied
with all my heart.
There it is, damn it.
There’s my hope.
She is my hope.
~ ~ ~
“Shh … everything’s alright.”
I rest my head on her shoulder and just let it go.
My tears fall and in so doing unknot that twisted
mass that had me suffocating in a terrible excuse
of a life only to escape to something that could
hurt me even more.
Where were you? Where were you? … Just a
little late … You found me, you found me
I don’t say anything, I just let her hold me like a
child abandoned by his father in his moment of
need. Like a boy who had to drop out of school
and forget about his dreams to take care of his
family. Like a boy who was trapped in a spiral of
bullshit and false convictions which brought him
even lower and more needy of affection.
That boy needed to be reassured and brought
back home. He needed to grow up and become a
man.
You Found Me, The Fray, The Fray
“I need you,” I whisper into her hair. “I need
you, Erin. It really terrifies me because I’ve never
needed anyone in my life. But now,” I say, raising
my head, “I need you.”
She looks at me and she’s so beautiful and true
and … mine.
She is here for me.
And it’s real, even if it scares me.
She shines like a light on a stormy night that
shows you the way home safe and sound.
I take her with both hands, not careful about the
fact that we’re in the pub full of customers and
I’ve probably got everyone looking at us, that
Rain’s probably in the corner somewhere crying. I
don’t give a shit about anything. The only thing
that matters to me is in front of me and I’m
looking her in the eyes.
“It’s you,” I whisper before smiling like a
crying idiot.
“It’s me, what?”
“You’re my hope, Erin O’Neill.”
18
Erin
His hope.
I’m his hope.
I look at him dreamily with my heart galloping
in my chest and my head and tears flooding my
eyes.
He is handsome and sweet.
And he’s mine.
I caress his face, which is magnificently
covered in beard, and I smile at him, so thankful
for opening his heart to me, for letting me in
despite everything.
I draw closer to his lips and brush them
delicately, tasting his tears that fall undisturbed
since the minute he set foot in the pub and our eyes
met.
“Erin!”
I turn from this beautiful dream, which I would
not like to wake up from because my father just
walked in the door of Only4you.
~ ~ ~
He had called me to let me know his flight was
going to be late and that he’d take a taxi so I didn’t
have to wait for him.
We separate from each other immediately,
embarrassed and shaken up to face what I’ve
feared for weeks.
“Do you want to explain to me what’s going on
here?” he asks, closing the distance between us.
“Dad,” I start, but Patrick moves to the side and
I can read in my dad’s eyes that the revelation has
hit him full on.
“Erin … what…”
“Dad, I can explain.” I begin swallowing hard
but Patrick steps in front of me and does
something I never would have expected.
“Sir,” he says, looking him right in the eyes.
“Erin and I wanted to tell you before, but we didn’t
think it was appropriate on the phone.”
What the devil is he doing?
I pull him on his arm to get him to look at me,
but he gives me a very confident and disarming
smile that makes me shut up on the spot.
“Erin … so that’s it? You’re pregnant?”
“Let’s not do this here, Dad. Let’s go upstairs.”
He nods, confused, and I lead him towards the
door that leads to the stairs and everyone in the
pub resumes their business. By now the show is
over. As I walk slowly with my head down, I feel
some fingers interlacing with mine. I freeze and
raise my head.
“What are you doing?” I ask him in a whisper
with my father at our heels.
“I’m coming with you.”
“Patrick—”
“I’m staying, Erin.”
I nod gratefully and feel the anxiety fleeing
from every part of my body.
He is with me.
He is here to stay.
His closeness and his tight grip on my hand give
me courage and make me feel less alone.
We go up the stairs in silence; I open the door
and let my father in.
“So … this is where you live?” he asks, looking
around. “And does he live here too?” he continues
without even looking at Patrick.
“Dad, please…”
“Erin,” he says calmly (my father is not the type
of man to raise his voice). “I have just returned to
you. I left you alone for a few months in safe
hands and now I find you without a house,
pregnant and tied to a penniless bum who works in
a bar?”
“The penniless bum is standing right here,”
Patrick sarcastically chimes in. “And he doesn’t
work at the pub, he owns it.”
“Oh, please excuse me,” my father intervenes.
“But you’re one of four owners, isn’t that right?”
“Five,” he corrects. “Now there are five of us.”
“Oh, even better. A dive bar in a neighborhood
of drunks and beggars, its ownership divided into
five parts of which you have one. Congratulations
on your choice, Erin.”
I bite my lip so as to stop myself bursting out
crying, but Patrick puts his hands on my shoulders
and squeezes, letting me feel his nearness and his
warmth.
And I fall apart, I start crying like a baby
because I feel the shame hit me and the uncertainty
about the future hits me full on.
So Patrick turns me towards him and holds me
in his arms, gently kissing my forehead. He
brushes my hair and tells me it’s all going to be
okay and that he’s with me.
“So that’s how it is, huh? You got my daughter
pregnant?”
“We’re expecting a baby,” Patrick corrects him.
We’re waiting.
Oh my goodness. His words fill me with
security. Suddenly I’m not alone or helpless or
intimidated by my father. I feel strong, sure and
fortunate. Because there is a life growing in me
and because Patrick is saying that in his way he
wants to be part of my life.
Of us.
I lift my head from his chest and dry my tears. I
look at him for a moment before taking his hand
and squeezing it hard in mine. He let’s out his
breath and gives me a big smile and I return it right
back.
Then, I turn to my father, feeling proud and with
my head held high. I tell him: “We’re expecting a
baby.”
My father shakes his head and begins pacing the
apartment. Then he stops, clears his throat and
speaks to me in a calm tone of voice.
“Okay dear, what’s done is done. There is no
problem. You will come with me and I will take
care of everything. You will have the baby and we
will find someone to take care of it so that you will
be able to continue with your life and—”
“Dad,” I interrupt him. “This is my life.”
“This?” he looks at me, unbelieving. “Working
part-time in a pub for some guy that got you
pregnant? That’s what you’re aspiring to? We had
plans, Erin.”
“She’s grown up, sir. She’s grown into a
wonderful woman. And she’s my woman.” Patrick
intervenes with eyes full of pride and with his
chest puffed out with emotion.
“Good lord, Erin! How could you have fallen so
low? Look at him! He’s a complete failure. How
old are you, lad? Twenty-eight? Twenty-nine?”
“Thirty,” Patrick corrects him once again, and
once again my dad replies with the same words.
“This gets even better! Thirty years old and still
here playing barman and what? Wait a second,
you’re a musician, right? What do you think you
can give my daughter? Come on, let’s hear it.”
Patrick does not freak out even though I can see
his jaw is tense. I squeeze his hand hard to give
him my support, hoping he looks at me and that he
knows how much this situation is upsetting me.
But he doesn’t. He just looks at my father with a
cold stare and when I start to fear the worst, he
simply says: “All of me. I will give her all of me.
It’s the only thing she needs right now.”
My father raises his hands to the heavens
exhaustedly then looks at me. “I’d like to talk to
you in private, Erin. Maybe tomorrow, when
things have calmed down a bit.”
He leans over, gives me a kiss on the cheek and
leaves, leaving us in this apartment which
suddenly feels too tight and too silent.
Patrick
I take a few deep breaths to calm the rage I’m
feeling right now. Okay, it’s all right. He found out
Erin is pregnant and I told him the baby was mine.
I understand it’s a shock, a surprise, whatever you
want to call it. But what I didn’t hear was one
word of support, comprehension or love come out
of his mouth. What the fuck? Not even a ‘how are
you doing?’, how about a ‘you okay?’ or maybe a
‘are you and the baby well?’
Nothing.
I turn slowly to look at her. Her eyes are fixed
on the door her dad just walked out of. I let her
hand go and start to walk away when she grabs my
wrist and literally throws herself in my arms. This
time I don’t hesitate even a second to pull her
towards me.
“I’m so terribly sorry for the things he said,”
she mutters, burying her face in my chest.
I rub her nape and kiss her hair.
“Are you alright?” I ask, for I’m worried about
how she must be feeling.
“No,” she whispers. “It was really bad. He
shouldn’t have said those things to you. He doesn’t
even know you, I’m sorry. I feel so guilty, you
should not have said—”
“Erin.” I stop her before she can go on. “I don’t
care what people say or think about me, including
your father. The only thing that matters to me is
what you think.”
She looks at me through red tear-stained eyes,
for she’s been crying so much.
“I think you’re a wonderful man, Patrick. And
that I’m the luckiest woman on the earth because
I’m here in your arms. It’s the only place I want to
be.”
A man.
Wonderful.
Fuck.
“Erin,” I say, but in reality, I don’t want to say
anything at all.
The only thing I want is to have her for myself
all night.
I take her face and bring it to mine. I gently bite
her lower lip and she trembles against my lips.
Shit.
“I want you like I’ve never wanted anything or
anyone before. I want you with every inch of me. I
want your heart, your body. I want to be inside of
you and your life. I want to come in and not
leave.”
I feel like a jackass saying these things, but I
know she needs to hear it said out loud and
deserves someone that tells her how desired she is
and how much he wants her for himself.
And that someone, damn it, must be me.
“Do you understand what I’m trying to tell
you?” I ask her, because she keeps looking at me
without speaking.
Maybe I’m not doing this right, maybe I don’t
even know what I’m saying or doing.
This is all new for me.
It’s scary as hell.
Until just a while ago I didn’t think I was cut
out for these things, that I couldn’t feel real
emotion and was certainly incapable of creating a
lasting bond with another person. And yet for her
I’m willing to try. A thousand tries. She’s the only
one who can teach a man to love someone other
than himself.
“Erin.” I look at her, worried. She continues to
look at me without responding. “Have I said
something…”
She doesn’t let me add anything else. She wraps
her arms around my neck and her legs around my
waist. I take her, sure and steady and bring her as
close to me as possible.
I want to feel her now.
I need it.
It’s a desperate need.
“I’d like to make love with you, Erin. Tonight.
All night. And for all the nights after that.”
Her lip starts shaking again.
“If you’re not ready, I’ll wait. Take all the time
you need. I’m not in a hurry, and I’m not going
anywhere. I’ll be here until you’ve had enough of
me.” I reassure her, smiling.
“Do you really want to make love to me?” she
asks me in a broken voice.
“Holy God, do I want to!”
“Even—”
“Even what?”
“Even in my … condition?”
I lower my gaze just a bit.
She thinks I don’t want to be with her because
she’s pregnant? Doesn’t she have any idea what
I’m going through right now just holding her close
to me?
“God, Erin … I want you so bad it’s hard for me
to even breathe. I’m not talking about sex. I’m
talking about you. I want all of you. I’m afraid. I’m
paralyzed with fear. Fear that I could hurt you. It
feels like I might destroy everything.”
She smiles at me and brings her mouth close to
mine. “I want you too, Patrick. I want your absurd
messes, your jokes and your colorful language. I
want your hands on my body and I want you in my
life.” She takes a quick pause and a deep breath.
“Our lives,” she corrects herself, biting her lip. “If
you want us.”
Holy Christ. If I want them?
I want them both.
I want her so completely that I couldn’t even
imagine not having this new life that goes with it.
And I could not desire this child any more if it
was my own.
I hold her tightly in my arms and bring her to
the bedroom, because now I want to make love to
her.
I want to give her everything I have without
asking for anything in return.
19
Erin
Patrick sets me down gently on the bed without
ever taking his lips off of mine. I’ve wanted him so
much in these months that I’m shaking like an
idiot from the emotion and the anxiety. I feel
invaded by him, with his body so close to mine
and the heat rising from it, that burns my skin.
The way his eyes are devouring me shows me
how much he truly wants to make me his. From all
of this intensity of us being together.
As if we had just become one person in this
moment.
His kisses are needy: Patrick bites my lip until it
swells and becomes red, then lets up on this sweet
pain letting his sensual tongue run down the lip,
only to suck me in with his greedy lips.
I could have an orgasm just with his kisses.
He pulls away from me with a cry of
disapproval, as he removes his shirt. I gulp down
hard and loudly and in such an embarrassing
manner that he busts out laughing and touches his
magnificent head, with its buzz-cut hairstyle.
“God … you’re…” I don’t have the right words
to describe his body.
He’s a work of art, sculpted by fairy hands with
a thick golden chisel. He’s robust and well defined;
he’s got the perfect turtle abdomen. His arms are
strong and possessive and covered in tattoos, over
which I slowly pass my hands, defining the edges
and the lines and imagining some secret meaning.
I’ve never liked tattoos, just like I’m not a big fan
of piercings, but on him … everything would be
good on him.
“Stop looking at me like that. You’re
embarrassing me,” he says, blushing just a bit.
What? Him? Embarrassed?
“No false modesty please, Patrick. We both
know you have a body that people get orgasms just
looking at.”
He bursts out with the most uproariously loud
laugh that makes me smile spontaneously. It’s so
nice when he laughs, when he loses that for the
man who never has to ask persona and is a bit
insecure, just enough to make him human and lets
me know I’ve got an earthling here in front of me
not some Greek divinity reincarnated.
His laugh simmers down and the look in his eye
changes: it becomes deeper, more intense and it
seems like he’s eating me with his eyes.
He brings his hands up to my shirt and gives me
a malicious smile before pulling it over my head,
leaving me topless before him. I blush and avert
my gaze because I’m afraid of drowning in
emotion and not being able to make it back up to
the surface again.
“Erin,” he says, taking my chin in his hands.
“You are beautiful. Breathtaking.”
I shake my head. I know it’s a lie. I’m pregnant,
my Lord, how does he expect me to believe that?
“Look at me,” he asks me and reluctantly I do.
“I’ve been dreaming about touching this body
for months. And…” He breathes loudly. “Since I
hugged you that night outside the bar for the first
time, I haven’t been with any other girl.”
“Wha … what?” I ask incredulously.
He shrugs his shoulders.
“I just wanted you to know.”
So I didn’t imagine it all. I didn’t romanticize
his words in my mind … every word, gesture and
caress.
It was all true.
He wanted me just like I wanted him.
I draw him to me, sliding my hand behind the
nape of his neck. He responds to my call and I
abandon myself to his touch, to his tongue that
traces the irregular line of my neck to my spine,
arching around my back and I offer myself to him.
He takes off my leggings and my underpants.
He throws them to the floor before unbuttoning his
jeans and freeing himself of them and becoming
completely naked.
Oh my God, he doesn’t even wear boxers. My
body blocks up at the sight of his erection.
And … okay. It’s enormous.
Hormones. Right?
He laughs again and oh my God, please, never
let this stop because it’s perfect.
And he’s completely mine.
He comes closer to me and our bodies brush up
against each other for the first time and it’s almost
enough to make me faint.
I’m in really big trouble.
He lightly rubs my belly before resting the
lightest butterfly kiss there, causing such a fit in
my chest that I have to close my eyes.
“You know,” he says, “we could just not—”
“Patrick,” I interrupt him.
We’re not even going to consider that option.
“I could also make you come like this,” he says,
rubbing me so lightly between the legs and I let
out a scream. “Or with my mouth,” he adds, while
I’m so excited I could seriously have an orgasm on
the spot if he said another word like that.
What’s the rest of this going to be like?
“I want to make love with you,” I tell him quite
seriously. “Now.”
“I wouldn’t want to hurt the baby.”
He’s joking. Right?
Exasperated by all this, I slide my hands down
his tattooed back until I arrive at his gluteus
muscles and it goes without saying that they are
disgustingly perfect.
Where is this guy hiding his defects?
I push them slowly towards me, begging him to
enter me, possibly right now.
“Erin,” he sighs, frustrated. “We don’t have to
be in such a hurry.”
“Yes we do!” I exclaim, exasperated. “My
hormones are going a million miles an hour, and I
haven’t had sex in a very long time, Patrick. I need
it right now.”
He smiles maliciously before saying “At your
service” and plunges his face between my thighs.
Oh God.
He looks at me for an instant before opening his
mouth and kissing me delicately on my inner
thigh. Then he slides his tongue into me and I grab
on tightly to the sheet and throw my head back.
Patrick plays with my most intimate parts with
his tongue, biting me to make me shake even
more, but he’s so delicate and careful that I’d like
to scream ‘stop going so slow’ because I’m not
made out of porcelain and am not so delicate, and
that I won’t break.
So I let go of the sheet and put one hand on the
back of his neck, pushing him to go deeper.
He growls in approval and the sound comes up
from my legs. In a second, his movements change.
His tongue penetrates me deeper and the metal of
his piercing rubs against my vaginal lips, making
me lose control so completely that I move against
him, begging him to bring me there as fast as
possible.
His hands grab my hips, his fingers pushing into
my flesh, his tongue tireless; his assault, his desire
to hear me scream and my desire to free myself
leave me quivering against his mouth and I call his
name repeatedly, letting the orgasm course through
me.
Patrick continues to gently kiss me while I try to
bring my breathing back to normal; he slides down
one thigh and then comes back to me. I cover my
face with my boiling hands as he goes to my ear.
“I can do better,” he whispers.
I let my hands fall and turn to look him in the
eyes.
“Can’t wait.”
Patrick
I am completely drugged by her. By her smile. By
her big dark eyes. By her body that excites me by
just looking at her like never before.
And I’ve had my fucking share.
But there’s something unexpected and
wonderfully perfect in her and I’m sure after
tonight, after having discovered everything about
her body, I won’t be able to look at another
woman, even by accident.
I’d like to go slow, really I would. I’d like to
enjoy every moment, feel her in every part of me
and let her know how involved I am in this thing
between us, how much I want to be only hers now
and tomorrow.
As long as she’ll want. But Erin is terribly
excited. She moves against my body, eager and
impatient: she can’t wait.
Thanks hormones, may God bless you.
I caress her legs in all their length with my
hands on her thighs; I smile, pleased, and lay her
down before she can say or do anything, my lips
touch her intimately.
Her flavor makes me lose all of my senses in
three seconds. I try to control myself, to be careful
and delicate but she’s not allowing me to. She
grabs me on the back of my neck pushing me
deeper inside of her.
And it’s something I’ll never forget. How she
tastes, this intimacy … And I’m not just talking
about sex. I’m talking about something more
profound, more powerful and extraordinarily
intense that I’ll never be able to put it into words.
And when I feel her pushing against my mouth
in search of more contact and letting out a gasp of
liberation, a new kind of shiver runs up my spine,
making me shake.
I give her a moment to recover from the waves
of pleasure wracking her body, before going back
to work and this time I want to enjoy every instant
of her.
And I want to give her everything in my power,
I want to feel every emotion and make her feel
every beat of my heart, which is now beating only
for her.
I caress her face and drop my hand to her breast.
I draw a circle around her nipple as she arches her
back and calls my name.
And it’s so damn exciting I don’t know if I’ll be
able to contain myself.
I pinch her with two fingers and she shakes
harder and so I take it in my mouth and bite down
gently and she slithers under me. I can only use
one hand I’m holding myself up with the other so
as to not squash her under my weight.
I concentrate on her breasts, passing from one to
the other, giving both of them equal attention. I
tickle her nipples with my tongue, I bite and pull
them with my teeth, and she doesn’t stop rubbing
my neck pulling me closer to her.
She wants me.
Jesus, does she want me.
I slide down, leaving a wet trail on her skin that
burns under my tongue. I stop on her round sexy
belly, where I dedicate more sweetness and where
I’d like to rest my head to feel any imperceptible
movement.
I continue along her legs until I get to her toes. I
kiss them and worship them, because this woman,
fuck.
This woman is forever.
I go back up towards her lips and bite them, full
of desire and she scratches my back, digging her
nails into me.
I let out a grunt and bite her lips harder.
“Patrick … please … do it now!”
She wants me right now.
I move over to get a condom from my jeans, but
she stops me before I can completely get off her.
“Patrick, we don’t need it.”
Right.
“Are you sure?”
“Shouldn’t I be?”
“I … I swear, Erin, that I haven’t been with
anyone like this. Not after…”
She smiles at me in love and pulls me to her.
I come to her and brace on my elbows as I
slowly enter her.
My vision goes blurry, my heart stops and my
limbs go paralyzed the moment I feel her heat
surround me.
God. Is this what it feels like when someone is
so important to you that you forget your own
name?
I push in deep as she relaxes her legs, opening
herself up for me. And I think the rest of the world
just stopped in that moment. I try to get control, to
feel my pulse and get some air because I don’t
have any more.
“Patrick?” she calls me. “Are you alright?”
Everything all right?
“It’s fucking great.”
She laughs and shakes her head before I make
her gasp as I fully re-enter her.
I move within her, convinced but cautious,
never taking my eyes off hers.
I want to capture every expression. She grabs
onto my shoulders and maintains visual contact the
whole time, penetrating me deeply, digging in my
soul, removing all of the weeds and every dead
flower. She takes out everything, leaving the
garden clean, free and light.
And I will never thank her enough for it.
We continue to look at each other as I move
faster and deeper and it seems I can almost see out
of her eyes, to see the better part of me that is
knocking on the door asking to come in. And I do
it, the moment in which Erin looks for my mouth
to breathe me in, I let it go free to fly and mix with
hers.
“God, Erin…” I’m so near the limit that I could
explode in a moment. “I want to hear you … and I
want to see you when you say it. My name. Only
mine.”
Erin says my name again and again first slowly
and then faster as we reach the climax together and
allow our bodies to quiver inside one another.
I rest my forehead on hers and kiss her slowly,
deeply, hoping that it will transmit what I’m
feeling in this moment because really, I’m not able
to emit sound, much less an entire phrase.
And yet, I’d like to tell her how I feel, what I
feel for her, for them.
For this thing between us that I did not want or
look for but that found me just the same.
Because when love calls, you have to fucking
answer.
20
Erin
Another turning point, a fork stuck in the road …
Time grabs you by the wrist, directs you where to
go.
I move in my sleep, cradled by a light melody
that makes me smile instinctively.
It’s something unpredictable, but in the end is
right … I hope you had the time of your life.
I open my heavy eyelids weighed down by
tiredness with difficulty. I really did not sleep
much last night. Patrick was … Wow. I can still
feel my skin burning after being his prey almost all
night last night.
Thanks to the light that’s passing through the
curtains I am able to focus on what is happening.
Patrick is sitting on the bed. He’s got a guitar and
he’s strumming so softly that I can barely hear it.
But his voice, God, his voice is a concentration of
tenderness and emotion that brings tears to my
eyes.
It’s something unpredictable, but in the end is
right … I hope you had the time of your life
“What…” I start with a voice weighed down
with sleep.
“Good morning.” He smiles with his whole
face, before planting a kiss on my belly and
another on my face.
“Were you singing?”
He shakes his head and averts his glance.
I pull myself up and rest on my elbows and I
realize I’m only wearing his shirt and nothing else.
“You sing?” I ask, looking for a sheet to cover
my body.
“Nah, I have a shitty voice.”
“But I heard you,” I add, sitting up. “You were
singing something.”
“I was just playing around.”
“Were you singing to the baby?”
He gets off the bed and turns his shoulders to
me, revealing his perfect figure in the morning
light.
Good Riddance (Time Of Your Life), Green Day, Green Day Bluegrass
“I just wanted to…” He rubs his hand on his
head. “Let him know that I’m here, I guess. That
I’m here waiting too.”
I cover my face immediately with my hands
because the emotion he invokes in me causes
another outburst of tears.
Patrick turns to me and comes in close, kneeling
down on the bed and moving my hands away from
my face.
“What … what is it? Why are you crying? Have
I said something wrong?”
“Excuse me!” I say through my sobs. “It’s just
that … it’s so emotional for me, okay? I am so
emotional anything makes me cry. And you … you
were kneeling by my stomach singing to the
baby…”
“I’m sorry,” he says in a worried tone. “I didn’t
want you to feel badly.”
“I don’t feel badly, Patrick. Don’t you
understand? You’ve filled my heart to the brim.”
He looks at me for a few seconds in the eyes,
and then his face opens in a sweet smile that would
just kill me and he comes closer to me and sucks
on my lips in a tender touch.
“It was just a song, I wanted him to feel safe
and protected. I’d like him to know that I’m here
too.”
I throw my arms about his neck and jump in his
lap, sitting on his legs and wrapping my legs
around him.
“He knows,” I tell him, still weepy. “We both
do.”
He smiles in my hair and kisses me sweetly on
the head. “Are you hungry? I’ll make you
breakfast.”
“I’m always hungry,” I reply, making him
laugh.
“Now that I don’t feel constantly sick, I’d eat
anything at any time.”
“Well, lucky for you you’ve got this guy who
isn’t so bad and, as an added bonus, knows how to
cook. Just don’t spread it around.”
He gets up and stands in front of me.
He’s naked. Completely.
Gulp.
“What can I do for you?” he asks me with a
twinkle in his eye.
“I’d say breakfast could wait fifteen minutes.”
“Fifteen minutes?” he says, raising an eyebrow.
“I don’t think you’re giving me enough credit.” He
smiles back before showing me what an hour,
forty-three minutes and ten seconds of ‘not enough
credit’ I had offended him with.
~ ~ ~
I get out of the shower wrapped in a towel. I feel
tired and just plain exhausted for the night passed
and the morning started, but I also feel light and
serene. Happy. For the first time in months, I’m
feeling good, like maybe I will be able to pull this
off.
I leave the bathroom and, attracted by the good
smells coming from the kitchen, I take a few steps
to the kitchen worktop and find Patrick at the
cooker, wearing just a pair of jeans, barefoot and
shirtless.
He’s humming softly, but I can distinguish
every syllable and hear it right in my heart.
I’m feeling better ever since you know me … I
was a lonely soul but that’s the old me.
It’s a splendid vision I shall never forget. His
shoulders designed with letters and embellished
with images, the curve of his perfect back that
ends in his slow rise jeans. The way he moves
slowly with the tempo and the words.
But with you … I feel again … Yeah, with you …
I can feel agai
He turns slightly to grab something on the lower
shelf and catches me watching him out of the
corner of his eye.
“Hey, there are pancakes, eggs, bacon and…”
He interrupts himself and wrinkles his face. “Is
everything alright?”
I fill my lungs with all the air in the apartment. I
smile as big as I can and it’s almost a giggle.
“Fucking great.”
Feel Again (With Heartbeats–Native) OneRepublic
Patrick
After the night I just had, I’m feeling strong, I feel
good, I’d almost say invincible.
A new awareness has taken hold of my mind
and my outlook. I haven’t been living at all, all of
these years. I’ve wasted so much time, gone
around in a fog, thinking that setting my heart
aside I wouldn’t have hurt myself. That I could
live alone with no feelings for anyone.
What an asshole.
Then, she came along.
And I started really breathing and really living.
What I feel now after having her close to me
and after having loved her in every way possible,
it’s something I can’t describe and it’s priceless.
Because what I feel is so huge and scary, now that
I’ve been able to touch it with my hands, I can’t
and don’t want to ever let it go.
I go back home after having made breakfast and
taken Erin to University. She had her last exam
this morning. She was nervous but I’m sure it will
go well.
I open the door of my house, sighing like an
idiot and find everyone at the table having
breakfast.
“Hey,” I greet them and their serious faces.
“Something happened?”
“Nothing’s happened here,” Aaron says coldly.
“I’ll take a quick shower and go to the pub,” I
say, heading towards the stairs.
“Nope. You’re not going to get out of it like
that.” He blocks me. “Where the fuck were you
last night?” he asks me accusingly.
“I don’t think I have an obligation to let you all
know about where I go,” I say, stopping at the foot
of the stairs.
“Were you where I think you were?” He steps
closer, threateningly.
I huff and shake my head, heading straight to
my room, but Aaron grabs my arm.
“What’s your problem?” I ask, raising my voice.
“You were with her, weren’t you?”
I look him in the eyes without answering. My
silence speaks for me.
“I knew it! Christ, Patrick! What is your head
telling you? That little theatre you put on in the
pub yesterday? Going against her father? She’s
pregnant, Patrick!”
“Do you think I don’t know that? I’ve known
since the first day, Aaron. I’ve always known.”
“And you’re going on with this thing?”
“It’s not important to me that she’s pregnant.”
“God, Patrick, you’re a real asshole. I always
knew it, but I didn’t think it was this bad! But what
does your little head tell you, huh?”
“Aaron…” Rain interrupts.
“No, Rain. Don’t try to defend him like you
usually do!”
“Aaron—”
“He doesn’t have any excuses, Rain. And then,
Erin is your friend, shouldn’t you be worried about
her? Do you understand whose hands she’s fallen
into?”
“Aaron!” Rain jumps to her feet and sets her
hands down on the table. “You’re the one who
doesn’t understand! He doesn’t care about her
condition because he’s in love with her!” She
smiles.
Aaron looks first at me and then at her while I
respond to Rain’s smile with affection and
gratitude. Rain’s one in a million.
“What?” Aaron continues to be disbelieving and
shifts his gaze from me back to her.
“I care for her,” I whisper, looking at him
seriously. “About them both.”
“That means that—”
“She’s the one I’ve been waiting my whole life
for.”
The silence that falls upon the room is
embarrassing, especially because the last words
said were mine and let’s just get it out there: it’s
not like me.
“Patrick, do you understand you’re about to
have someone else’s baby? That in a few months
she’s going to be a mother and everything is going
to change? Her life is going to be turned upside
down and yours is going to get dragged along with
it.”
“I’m already in this, Aaron. Completely. I am
fucking hers and I do not intend to go back on my
commitment.”
Rain runs to me and throws her arms around me
so hard that it leaves me winded.
“I knew it, I knew it,” she repeats as I hug her
back.
Liam stands and joins us in the hug and now
there are three of us. Jay literally jumps out of his
seat and throws himself at me and slaps my buzzed
head.
Aaron remains in silence another second before
asking me: “Are you by any chance in love with
her?”
Am I in love with her?
Fuck, yes.
“I am in love with both of them,” I say without
thinking about it.
Saying it out loud makes me feel even surer.
More of a man.
“I imagine this house will soon be fuller than it
currently is,” Aaron says while we all break out
laughing.
He joins us and piles onto the group hug.
And so we remain, in the middle of the living
room hugging and close like we always have been.
Because this is our family. Full of chaos, loud,
made of unlikely combinations, but it’s mine and I
love it. And I’d do anything for her.
And I’d like Erin to be part of it, and her baby
will grow up among these walls with love,
friendship and loyalty.
And with me.
With his father close by.
21
Erin
I get up from the chair and accept the hand of my
professor who, to my disbelief, has given me top
marks. I didn’t think I had studied enough for this
exam, worried about a million problems, but the
night with Patrick and the morning we shared gave
me something extra that helped me to face this
with more confidence and determination and the
professor must have noticed my new attitude.
I let out a sigh of satisfaction and turn to leave
when I see someone standing at the door waiting
for me. I get closer, already feeling my good mood
evaporate as my father holds his arms out ready to
hug me. I let him do so and I kiss his cheek,
nervous about this surprise visit.
“What are you doing here?” I ask him.
“I came to see your last exam, I hope you don’t
mind.”
“About what happened yesterday night—”
“Let’s not mention it again, okay? I was taken
by surprise, I wasn’t expecting that,” he says,
looking at my by-now visibly swollen belly. “You
must understand it will take me a while to get used
to the idea.”
I nod nervously as I fix my eyes on my gym
shoes. Things have changed since I’ve been
pregnant. I dress in a more sporty and comfortable
way, I don’t wear make-up or things on my hair
and I feel good. Just myself.
“Can I take you out for lunch? I’d like to stay a
bit with my daughter.”
“Okay,” I concede, worried about how this day
is going to end, a day that started off in the best
possible way.
~ ~ ~
We go to a place near campus that’s full of
professors and researchers and we sit down at a
table for two at the end of the hall.
“So, how are things going?”
“What is it you really want to know?”
“Everything, Honey. I want to know what’s
happened in these months we haven’t seen each
other. How we’ve gotten to this point,” he says,
looking at me very seriously.
I tell him about Nate and the end of our
relationship. I tell him how Patrick has been very
close to me and that we discovered we feel the
same way about each other and that things didn’t
go as expected and I discovered I was pregnant
almost right away. I don’t go into details, in order
to avoid giving away something that would make
Dad understand that the baby isn’t Patrick’s. So I
lie a bit about the time frames and the dynamics so
it’s a bit vague and he isn’t able to add things up
too quickly.
“And with this Patrick—”
“Dad, please.”
“What is it? I’m just asking. I want to know if
he treats you well, if you’re happy.”
“Patrick is wonderful.”
“And he’s going to take care of you and—”
“—The baby, Dad. You can say it out loud.”
“Sorry, this is hard for me. You’re my little
girl.”
“Well, seems like your little girl is grown up,
and in a hurry.”
“So what are you intending to do? How have
you thought to reconcile things? A baby isn’t
something to take lightly, dear.”
“I still haven’t thought of it,” I say, looking at
my now empty plate. “I’m taking things day by
day.”
“And are you and Patrick getting married?”
“God, no, Dad!” I say, confused and shaken up
by his question. We just started getting serious;
even if he said he wants to be there for the baby
and me, I really don’t think Patrick is the marrying
type.
“And how do you both intend to manage the
situation? Will you live together, will you continue
to study?”
There are too many questions that I don’t have
the answers to. I still haven’t thought of any
solutions, I’m just trying to face each difficulty as
and when it crops up.
“You won’t want to give up your studies.”
“I don’t think so. Maybe I’ll take a break.”
“Erin,” he tells me in a calm voice. “I was
thinking of coming back.”
“What? You can’t, you’ve got that good job—”
“I’ve only got three months left and in any case
I would have had to apply for a new assignment. I
was thinking of taking these three months as a
leave of absence to come back a bit early in order
to be closer to you.”
“You can’t, Dad. It’s not your responsibility.”
“Then whose is it? Patrick’s?”
“No, that’s not what I meant. I’m only saying
that the time has come where I need to face life on
my own without your help or anyone else’s.”
“Sweetheart, you’re only twenty-two and you
still have to graduate, you’re about to have a
child.”
“I can make it,” I say, even if my voice betrays
me. “I don’t want you … I don’t want anyone to
take care of me. I’ll take care of myself.”
“I’m sure you can do it, Erin, but I’m your
father and the child is my grandchild. Do you think
I could stay away from you? You’re all I have.”
My eyes fill up with tears and in a second, my
father hands me his handkerchief.
“I want to be there, even if you don’t need me. I
want to be near to help you because I am your dad
and that’s what parents do for their children.”
I nod, grateful and relieved. My father has come
home and will be close to the baby and me. It
makes me happy and is a huge weight lifted that
makes me feel better.
Not only because I’ll have someone to count on
but also because my father is my entire family.
“We’ll have to advise your mother,” he says.
“She has the right to know.”
I nod, drying my eyes.
“We’ll do it together, as soon as you’re ready,
okay?”
“Thanks, Dad.”
He smiles and caresses my hand.
“I’ve called an agency and asked them to find a
solution. They have assured me they will take care
of it quickly so that we can go back home.”
I lift my head up and look at him dubiously.
“Home?”
“Sure, dear. If you and Patrick don’t intend to
live together, surely you don’t think that it makes
sense for you to stay in that apartment. As soon as
it’s all worked out we’ll go back home and get
things worked out, one step at a time.”
At home. My home.
“I don’t know what to say.”
“You don’t have to say anything. I’m here now
and everything will be fine.”
I nod, weak, unable to confess to my father that
I don’t have any intention of going back to live
with him. That I was already planning on
repainting the walls in the apartment and dreaming
of colors for the baby’s room.
That I was already dreaming about waking up
every morning in the strong arms of the man lying
next to me.
Patrick
I stopped by to visit my mom. I had a few hours
free and so I decided to come check out the
situation to see if things had gone back to normal.
“Hey, Honey, what are you doing here?”
“Just stopped by to say hi,” I tell her, kissing her
cheek.
“Can I make you something to eat? Are you
hungry?”
“No thanks, Mom, I’m fine. I’m just passing
by.”
“Just passing by? It’s not like I live right around
the corner.”
Okay, she got me.
“I wanted to see if everything’s going better.”
“You don’t have to worry about us, we’re
making it.”
“I can’t help it. Every time that bastard—”
“Patrick!” she admonishes me.
“Every time he shows his face, we all end up in
a mess.”
Mom sighs and sits down on the couch next to
me.
“We’re all fine, dear. Relax. We have Carl with
us.”
I nod and squeeze her hand.
“How are things going at the pub?”
“The usual,” I say vaguely.
“And Erin? How is she?”
Hearing her name makes me break out in a
smile.
“What’s this now?”
“What?”
“What are you smiling about?”
“Me? You’re wrong.”
“I’ll have none of that malarkey, Patrick.”
“Erin is well.”
“And?” she leans closer into me. “What aren’t
you telling me now?”
My cell phone goes off in my pocket. I cut the
conversation short and look at the display. It’s
Rain.
“Hi, Rain”
“Patrick, where are you?”
“I’m at my mother’s.”
“You have to come straight away to St. John’s.”
“The hospital?” I jump to my feet. “Why?
What’s happened?”
“Just get here, second floor.”
“Rain, but—”
“There’s something that you absolutely have to
see.”
~ ~ ~
I get to the hospital in twenty minutes. Usually it
would take about thirty or more, but by going
faster on my motorcycle I shaved off some time.
I park and head in the main doors, going
straight to the lifts. I go to the second floor where I
find Rain waiting for me in front of the sliding
doors leading to the ward.
“Finally!” She pulls me by the arm, “Hurry up,
room 108.”
“Who?” I ask, looking around, reading the sign
that says ‘gynecology’.
“Surprise!”
I look at her confused, while she smiles at me,
nodding towards the door. I open it just enough to
see Erin in the bed with her tummy uncovered and
a doctor passing a sonogram over her.
As soon as I get past the doorway the doctor
smiles at me, nodding for me to come in while
Erin has not yet realized I’m here.
I take a chair in the corner and bring it to the
bedside. I sit and brush her hand over the sheets.
She jumps and whips her head up to look at me
with big dreamy eyes, confused and surprised to
see me.
“Here’s Daddy,” says the doctor, smiling at us
both.
“He isn’t…” Erin starts to say, and I squeeze her
hand hard.
“I’m here, sorry about being late.”
“No problem, we just started. I was just asking
Erin if you want to know the baby’s gender.”
“It’s up to you to decide.” I smile, full of
emotion.
“I don’t know … I think, yes.”
“Good,” continues the doctor, looking at the
monitor.
“Couldn’t be any healthier. This baby girl is
really active, I don’t know what you’ll have to deal
with when she’s born.”
The only thing I heard was the word ‘girl’
before every emotion I have invaded every part of
my body.
“A girl,” Erin whispers in a voice wracked with
raw feeling. “Did you hear that, Patrick?” she says
to me but I’m speechless.
“The father is a bit emotional, let’s give him a
moment to gather himself before we go on,” the
doctor says before leaving us alone in the room.
Erin looks at me and brushes my face with her
hand. “Hey … is everything alright? Is anything
wrong?”
“It’s a girl,” I say, barely swallowing the lump
in my throat.
“Yes.” She smiles.
“We’re going to have a baby girl,” I say without
thinking about it, without reflecting on it and
without asking myself even for one second what
I’m doing here, why I’m next to this woman
holding her hand and why I’m crying like a baby
as I stare at a monitor with something undefined
and incomprehensible in front of my eyes.
And yet my heart is exploding with love and
happiness at seeing it all.
Seeing the lines of her face, a turned-up nose
like her mother, dark hair and doe eyes, sweet and
sincere.
Seeing a vivacious smile that precedes the echo
of a joyous laugh that fills all the days of my life.
Seeing a little puffy and delicate hand that grabs
on to mine with all its force and that I’ll never let
go.
My heart sees all of it, even that which the eye
cannot.
I can distinctly see this child running into my
arms.
This little girl is part of me, as if she was a piece
of my heart.
Because this child is mine.
22
Erin
I’m in a queue at the office of the university to
submit my thesis. I’m emotional and satisfied
because despite everything I’m doing, I’m going
on with my life.
I go in the office and speak with the secretary
and fill in all the forms, proud of myself. As I walk
through the hall heading toward the exit, I feel
someone touch my shoulder. I turn around to find
myself face to face with Nate.
“Erin … Hi, I thought that was you.” He smiles.
Then his gaze drops lower and his expression
changes.
“Nate,” I say embarrassed, biting my lip.
‘What?”
“I can explain,” I say, gulping hard.
“You’re pregnant?”
I lower my gaze.
“Erin,” he sighs. “It’s…”
I nod, unable to lie.
~ ~ ~
We sit in the cafeteria. I don’t have the courage to
look him in the eye. I wasn’t able to lie to him
either. Nate isn’t stupid.
“Why didn’t you say anything?” he asks,
rubbing my hand.
I shake my shoulders. “You had just left me,
what could I do?”
He nods seriously. “I would have liked to have
known. What were you going to do? Keep it a
secret forever? I’m its father, Erin. Did you think I
wouldn’t accept my responsibilities?”
“I didn’t want you to feel any obligation.”
“Obligation? We’re talking about a child, our
child.”
“And what can you tell me about your
researcher girlfriend?”
“There is no researcher girlfriend. We left each
other a month ago. She went back to America.”
“Did she leave you?”
“It didn’t work out. She finished her time here
and went home. That’s it.”
“I see,” I reply resentfully.
He threw away everything for a few months of
sex with another woman.
“What are your intentions?” he asks dubiously.
“You know…”
“I’m having this child, Nate.”
“Yes, of course, that’s not what I intended to
say. I was just asking how you were thinking of
organizing your life, if there’s anyone to help
you.”
I can’t look him in the face to tell him about
Patrick. I look away and he comes to his own
conclusion.
“The gorilla, huh?” He says with a strained
smile. “I should have seen it coming.”
“Nate, listen, I don’t want anything from you,
okay? Nothing.”
“This child is also mine, Erin. I am its father
and I intend to provide for him. And for you.”
~ ~ ~
I go back home on the bus. I should have called
Patrick to have him pick me up, as I said I would,
but I just need some time to sort out my thoughts.
Nate wants to take his responsibility, to think of
the child and of me. He says we can give it another
try, that he made a stupid mistake and he’s ready to
start over for everyone’s sake. In a certain sense,
he’s right. He is the baby’s father, not Patrick even
if I’ve been telling myself differently.
I get off the bus at the stop in front of the pub
and Patrick comes out right away to meet me.
“Hey, how come you didn’t call me? I would
have come and got you,” he says, kissing me on
the lips. “Are you well? Are you both well?” he
corrects himself, patting my tummy.
I nod and let him hug me.
“What’s wrong? I can see you’re not happy. Are
you too tired?”
I nod again, hiding in his arms, unable to look at
him or to tell him what’s just happened.
“Go on upstairs and lay down a while because
tonight I’m taking you somewhere special. I took
the night off.”
“Where?”
“Nah … it’s a surprise.”
“Okay,” I say against my will and give him a
kiss on the cheek before I head upstairs, where I
am going to eat a tub of chocolate ice-cream while
I’m relaxing in a hot bath, so I can forget about all
this for a few moments.
Patrick
“Surprise!” I say, parking in front of my family’s
house, where the door has been painted pink and a
million balloons written ‘It’s a girl’ are waiting for
us.
“What?” Erin says in surprise.
“Come on.” I open her door and take her hand.
As soon as we set foot out of the car the house
door slams open and my whole family spills out to
welcome us.
“Oh my God, Erin!” exclaims my mother,
embracing her tightly. “You’re just stunning!” she
continues with misty eyes.
Erin is confused and looks around, trying to
understand what’s happening. Then the crowd
opens up, revealing another little surprise for her.
“Honey!” her mom comes out of the house to
hug her. Erin takes refuge in that hug and begins
crying, clearly moved.
“Mama … how did you…”
“This young man called me and told me
everything,” she says, referring to me. “I would
have liked to have known earlier so I could have
been here sooner.”
“I’m sorry, I didn’t know how to tell you.”
“Hey, don’t cry, it’s not important. What is
important is that you and the baby are well.”
“All right everybody, inside,” calls my mother.
“Let the party begin.”
~ ~ ~
Also in the house waiting for us is Erin’s father,
Liam and Rain. We thought to have a little party
for the baby’s arrival. In point of fact, it was Rain’s
idea. We wanted to do it at the pub but it didn’t
seem right. So I called my mom and asked for her
help.
I can still hear her scream of joy ringing in my
ears.
Then I thought the moment had come to call
Erin’s mother too. I know I shouldn’t have really
gotten involved in that, but her father agreed that
we should make a move before too much time
went by.
Her mother reacted very differently to the way
her father did; she understood and came out right
away to be with her daughter. I’m glad her family
is ready to support her.
Erin is sitting on the couch, eating a piece of
chocolate cake with whipped cream—my mother’s
speciality.
Everyone has brought gifts for the baby and she
cries with emotion every time she opens one.
“Hey.” My mother comes up behind me.
“Thanks for all this, Mom.”