Sweet Days (Four Days Book 2) by A. S. Kelly (4)

“Are you serious? I’ve never been happier. And

I’m so damn proud of you, that I could just die

from it.”

“Proud of me?”

“Oh Patrick. I always knew that you were a

wonderful man, you only needed to know it to give

yourself a chance.”

I shake my head to brush away her words.

“The love ya feel for her and the lil creature,”

she whispers, “is in every movement ya make,

every gesture and look you give her, son. She’s a

lucky girl.”

“I’m the lucky one.”

“And I am as well.”

“How’s that?”

“Finally I’ll have a grandchild,” she says,

smiling and my heart leaps up to my throat.

“You know it’s not mine, right Mom? I already

told you that.”

“Sure I know.” She smiles. “It’s not blood that

ties a man to his child. It’s the love, Patrick. Love

is the only thing that counts.” And having said

that, she goes back into the living room so as not

to miss any of the party.

“Patrick.” Carl approaches me as soon as Mom

has left. “I’m happy that you’ve brought her here.”

“I’m happy too.”

“Your mother doesn’t do anything but talk about

the baby.”

“I can imagine.”

“You’ve made her very very proud, Patrick. And

I am too. You know that for me you’re like a son,

don’t you? I know you already have a father and

that I got here when you were already a grown

boy, but I’ve always loved you like you were mine.

You and all your siblings.”

Now I can understand Carl, his words and his

feelings towards us. Now, finally, I understand

what it means to love someone, to take care of

them because you want to, and not because you

have to because of a contract or some bond of

nature.

“Carl,” I say. “Thank you.”

“Hum?”

“You’re a great father, for me and for all of us.”

“Oh, get away with you now…” He looks at me

sentimentally.

I smile at him and go back to Erin, who hasn’t

stopped crying for a second, and together with

Rain it’s like a never-ending fountain of tears.

I look at her, sitting between her mother and

mine, while they exchange personal tidbits, tips

and secrets. I look at her and I feel grateful and full

of love.

She looks at me and smiles, tilting her head and

I have to hold my heart down because I’m afraid it

might pop out of my chest.

Then my mother raises a glass and asks for

silence.

“I understood that this girl was special from the

first moment she set foot through our door. I didn’t

know anything about her, apart from how she

looks at my Patrick and how he glows when he’s

next to her; I’ve understood that she is one of a

kind. Erin, thank you for having given hope to my

son, thank you for having opened his eyes. I know

he can be a hard head at times, but he has always

been a good boy and he just needed to see his own

worth, and that’s what you’ve done, dear. You gave

him a chance and you are giving him everything he

ever needed. Erin, thank you for having brought

Patrick back home and for this splendid gift, of

this baby girl that I already love to death. Thank

you, Erin and welcome to our family,” my mother

concludes, exploding into tears while Erin stands

there and throws herself into her arms.

I watch the scene, holding in my tears and

thanking whomever it is I need to thank for this

day, for this woman and for this life.

23

Erin

“I don’t even know where to put this stuff!”

Two nights after the party Patrick organized at

his family’s house, I find myself in my apartment

with Rain, trying to organize all the gifts I got. I

was not expecting such warmth and affection,

especially because his family barely knows me,

but it was wonderful to find myself surrounded by

them and my loved ones and that they’re finally

here with me.

“That’s not all you’re going to receive,” Rain

says, smiling. “We’re just at the beginning of

everything and I’m planning on spoiling this girl

for her whole life, you know,” she adds.

“Yeah, about that,” I start, a bit uncertain. “I

was thinking this baby is going to need someone,

you know, a godmother who will always help her,

support her…”

Rain looks at me with wide open eyes.

“I don’t believe there’s anyone better than you

for this assignment. You’re the best friend I have

and the best person I know. If you feel like you’re

up to it.”

Rain jumps off the couch and hugs me.

“Are you joking? I already love her like crazy!

Thank you, thank you,” she says through her tears.

I hold her to me with sweetness. Rain can’t have

children and I know how much she suffers because

of that. She was a teacher before the accident and

always dreamed of having a family of her own

some day. I’m so sorry for her and feel

embarrassed at times talking about the baby in

front of her. I worry about hurting her. But she is

so special and sincere I know she’s happy for me

and this new life of mine.

“Have I interrupted something?” Liam pops his

head in the door.

“Honey!” Rain runs to him. “Erin just asked me

to be the godmother! Me!” And she hugs him

tightly.

Liam rests his chin on her shoulder and

whispers ‘thank you’ to me and it just breaks my

heart.

Those two love each other so completely. What

they feel for each other is infinite and I couldn’t

think of a better family to trust my daughter to if

something should happen to me.

“That’s fabulous, love,” Liam whispers in her

hair, also very moved.

“Come on, let’s go tell everybody,” she says,

breaking away from her man’s grip and heading

downstairs.

I get up too and slip on my shoes. It’s almost

opening time and thank God I work, because I

couldn’t stand to be closed up here all by myself.

As I go to the door Liam blocks me. He looks

me in the eyes a moment then hugs me. It takes me

so off-guard that I stay with my arms limp at my

side as he hugs me tighter.

“Thanks, Erin. You have no idea how much that

means to her.”

I hug him back and smile because sometimes it

really is useless to talk.

We come apart and he dries his eyes with his

sleeve and takes a breath before we head

downstairs.

We get down to the dining room and Rain is

there going hoarse, yelling the news to everyone as

Aaron watches her with great affection and

everyone is moved to see how much it means to

her knowing what we do.

As soon as he sees me, Patrick smiles, on

emotional overdrive too. He comes to me and

whispers to my ear: “You’re amazing, Erin” and I

shiver, feeling myself blush with embarrassment.

I chose Rain because she’s just the best person I

know, because she’s a trusted friend and because I

know that she will love the baby like her own. I

could not have chosen someone more appropriate.

The evening is just starting. It’s Thursday and

the guys’ night to perform their music, just like

every week. I clean the glasses behind the counter

while sitting on a stool. They make me sit

practically all night and do very little. I ask myself

what they keep me for, I feel so useless. They’re

all so attentive it can be overwhelming at times.

Jay adjusts the cables and sets up the guitars and

the others join him on stage, greeting the

customers who are lining up waiting for the music

to begin. By now everybody waits for Thursday

nights. The guys are famous in this village and the

people around here love them.

Patrick goes to Jay and puts his hands on his

shoulders and looks him in the eyes. Jay responds

in the same manner, before taking the mic and

announcing the beginning of the performance.

Patrick takes his place and gives me a wink

from a distance. I smile at him like an idiot with

dreamy eyes and my heart in my hand while Rain

sits on the other side of the counter from me.

The place goes silent as the guys start. I take out

my cell phone from my pocket to turn down the

volume and I realize I’ve got a message flashing

on the display that I haven’t read.

We have to talk. Call me.

Nate.

I’ve been ignoring him for days, since he found

out. I haven’t been able to talk about it with

Patrick with all that’s been going on and a

thousand emotions I’ve gone through in the last

twenty-four hours.

I sigh heavily, knowing that I’ll have to tell him

everything, but then the words hit me, those words

that open my eyes, pull back the curtains and let in

the daylight.

I don’t believe that anybody … Feels the way I

do about you now.

I take in my deep breaths to try to avoid the

tears. Even if it’s Liam singing my heart knows

that it’s someone else pronouncing the words.

And all the roads we have to walk are winding

… And all the lights that lead us there are

blinding.

And he’s there smiling at me backing up Liam. I

know that he doesn’t sing and says he doesn’t have

a nice voice but those few scratchy out-of-tune

words go straight to my heart, filling it with love.

There are many things that I would … Like to

say to you … But I don’t know how.

And I know that he’s not able to express himself

as well as he would like, that at times he’s not able

to open up and let me in, but now he’s talking to

me with his heart in his hand.

Because maybe … You’re gonna be the one that

saves me … And after all … You’re my

wonderwall

“That boy is crazy about you,” Rain says

scooting in closer to me.

I smile shamelessly and he goes on, to tell me

I’m his anchor.

“I’m crazy about him,” I say more to myself

than Rain.

Because that’s how it is, I’m crazy and

hopelessly in love with Patrick Doyle and no, I’m

not his safety anchor or his hope.

It’s him.

He is my future. Our future.

Nobody else.

Wonderwall, Oasis, (What’s The Story) Morning Glory

Patrick

“Everything’s alright, Patrick. I’ll take it from

here,” Aaron says, giving me a slap on the back.

“You sure? There’s the bar to take care of yet.”

“Go on up to her.” He smiles. “I’ll take care of

this. I don’t have a life outside this place.”

I shake my head. “That’s because you haven’t

decided to come out of the closet yet.”

“What’s that you’re saying?”

“You know. Tell everyone you’re gay.”

“That story again?”

“You know that we all love you—”

“Knock it off, Patrick. I’m not gay.”

“Then why don’t you ever want to bring home a

woman?”

“Listen to who’s talking. I’ll remind you that

until a few months ago you were just like me.”

“At least I had fun though.”

“And what makes you think I don’t?”

“The fact that I’ve never seen you with anyone

and, like you said, you live for this place.”

Aaron sighs, mussing his hair. “I don’t even

have time to think about it. Before there was the

accident, then Rain’s rehabilitation. The pub, the

music that comes and goes, you guys causing

chaos.”

“Now it’s our fault?” I raise an eyebrow.

“If I don’t think of everything, who will?”

“You need to relax,” I say, putting my hand on

his shoulder. “Think about yourself a bit. We’re all

grown by now, Aaron.”

He nods at me, a sign that the discussion is over.

I wave at him and skip up the stairs to my woman.

Shit, my woman.

I knock on the door and open it at the same time

and the view in front of me makes me weak at the

knees.

Erin is standing near the balcony. All she’s

wearing is one of my T-shirts, one that she

mooched without asking because everything, she

says, is too tight for her and mine are more

comfortable.

It’s long enough to cover her bottom, but I can

see the curve of it in polka-dot panties. Her hair

has grown a bit and is now to her shoulders but she

always wears it back, leaving it ridiculously messy.

I love this thing about her, that she can set aside

being orderly and precise and just be herself, in all

her beauty.

“Hey,” she says, turning towards me. “I didn’t

hear you come in.” She smiles at me before

turning back again. “I was just making a sandwich,

I’m starving.”

I close the door behind me and rest my back

against it.

Breathe, Patrick. Breathe.

How is it possible that this woman drives me

nuts like this? How is it possible that my heart is

pounding just looking at her in my T-shirt and I’m

getting hard just thinking about what’s under it.

I go up to her slowly and wrap her shoulders in

my arms. I place a kiss on her neck and I can feel

her shiver under my lips.

“Patrick…” she whispers in thread of a voice.

I let my hands slide down and go under the T-

shirt. I run my shaking fingers over her body,

almost afraid to touch her, to squeeze her, because

this woman is all I want in my life.

I brush her breast and she lets out a soft cry and

she lifts her head up on my shoulder. I bite her

earlobe and she says my name again, like a prayer,

in that way that causes a rush of blood to my head.

I squeeze her breasts and she rests her hands on

the kitchen worktop.

I take a few little nibbles on her neck before just

exposing her shoulder and I bite her silky soft skin.

Then I go downwards, stopping on her belly and

then I slide my hand into her panties.

She trembles loudly and it’s lucky I don’t come

like a young boy during his first sexual experience.

I brush her ever so gently and she collapses against

the worktop.

It’s so sensual and exciting, it’s driving me

insane.

I want her against this worktop. I want to take

her now, to enter her and let her know just what

the sight of her does to me. But I’m not an animal

and I’m not that kind of bastard anymore. I can’t

throw myself on her, hungry for her skin.

And so I ask her with a voice full of anxiety

that’s eating me up:

“May I?” Stopping my hand before going

further.

She nods against my shoulder and I slide her

panties down her long perfect legs. I get behind

her, letting her feel how much I want her, and I

take my erection in my hand from inside my jeans.

I let out a grunt full of repressed desire and

unbutton my jeans and kick them off.

She is panting and my breathing seems to just

stop in my chest. It’s such an inviting image and so

strong, I can’t resist, but she’s Erin and in this

moment I want to treat her better than some guy

who takes her without respect and dignity,

standing up in the kitchen.

So I try to get control and to take some deep

breaths. Then I make her turn around and look me

in the eyes before losing myself in them.

“I … can’t. Not like this,” I tell her, swallowing

every trace of my ravenous passion. “I want to

give you more than this,” I conclude, despite the

adrenalin of the moment. “I want to give you every

part of me.”

So, I take her in my arms and bring her to the

bedroom, where I take care of her. Every inch of

her body.

Some places I caress, others I kiss, letting her

feel all of the love and desire I have for her, to

have her with me in my life and in my future.

Lying on the bed, I embrace her from behind

and penetrate her slowly, and letting out a sigh that

holds everything I have for her within it. Chest

against back, skin against skin.

I squeeze her soft breast and push her hips

backwards so I can move inside of her with greater

ease.

I leave her breasts to caress her between her

legs, playing with my fingers in her folds, while

my name vibrates on her lips, sensual and exciting.

And with every thrust I feel her body quivering,

hot and inviting.

I make love with her almost all night. We

explore each other, we take one another, we take

all of our time. We talk, we laugh, we kiss and then

we take each other once again, enjoying every

moment. I have never felt a person so inside of me

before now.

We merge and remain that way.

Because we are one thing now.

All three of us.

24

Erin

“Where are we going?”

“Just a second, I want to show you something,”

Patrick says.

“Can’t it wait? I have to study, you know. It’s a

crucial moment for my thesis.”

“I promise you it’ll only take a minute.”

“Alright,” I say, getting up against my will.

“Maybe you should get dressed first…” he says,

gesturing at me.

And it’s true. I’m just wearing a T-shirt. His.

And to think I didn’t used to like sitting around the

house half nude all day. I was normally always

dressed and wearing make-up all the time. But

now my life has taken on a new direction and I feel

like a new person.

I feel like myself.

I put on some sweats and a jacket and go to the

door where Patrick is waiting for me impatiently.

“It’s cold down there.” He puts on a hat and

wraps himself up in a scarf.

We pass through the pub which is closed and go

through the main door. We stand on the sidewalk

and stare at the street for a while until I look at him

sideways.

“So?”

“Don’t you see anything?”

I look around again.

“Nothing, except that parking lot.”

He doesn’t answer, and so I look again and in

his eyes, there’s a spark.

“I don’t understand,” I continue, as he takes a

remote control out of his pocket and unlocks the

car that I just indicated.

“What…”

“Surprise!” he says, taking me by the hand and

pulling me over to the car.

“A car? You bought a car?”

“Come on, take a look at the inside,” he says,

squeezing my hand.

I open the door and look around, then look in

the back seat where a baby seat has been installed.

I pull my head out to look at him and see how

pleased he is.

“What about your motorcycle?”

“Sold it.”

“Sold it? But you loved it! I know you hate—”

“Did you think I’d bring the baby on a

motorcycle? What the fuck kind of father would I

be?”

Father.

Five letters that make me cry like a fool.

Patrick squeezes me in his arms and musses up

my hair.

“Ah, my little whiner,” he teases as I cuddle in

his arms.

“Erin…”

I instinctively close my eyes, hoping the person

who just called me magically disappears and lets

me dream in this little world a bit more.

“What the fuck are you doing here?”

Patrick moves away from me to face the person

who has just shown up before us.

“I tried calling you. I’ve left messages,” Nate

begins, coming close to us.

Patrick shoots me a look.

“He called you? Have you been in contact with

him?” He’s clenching his jaw.

“Patrick—”

“We ran into each other on campus,” Nate

interrupts.

Patrick looks back at Nate although I am pulling

on his jacket, trying to bring him back to me.

“We have to talk, Erin. About what’s the right

thing to do.”

Patrick closes his eyes and I swear I can hear

him counting mentally to ten, or maybe a hundred

before speaking. Then he looks at me and I no

longer see that light in his eyes that was there just

five minutes ago.

“He knows, right?”

I nod, guiltily.

“When were you thinking of telling me?” he

says, raising his voice.

“There’s nothing,” I try to say but Nate, damn

it, talks again.

“We have to talk about the baby. About us.”

“Us?”

Patrick is upset and blinded with rage. He

rushes to Nate and grabs him by the jacket.

“Patrick, please.” I try to break them apart

before the benevolent arrival of Jay.

“What the fuck is happening here?” he yells,

looking at Patrick.

“This asshole was just about to leave,” he says,

continuing to look at Nate threateningly.

“I’m not going anywhere unless Erin comes

with me.”

So Patrick looks at me with his deep scared eyes

and I’d like to be able to calm him but I can’t, not

now. I need to clear some things up with Nate and

I was stupid to wait until it got to this point, but I

was happy and I was lying to myself that I could

hide this in some little corner of my mind.

“She’s not coming.” Patrick hands down the

sentence, waking me up from my stupor.

“I … what?” I ask, raising my voice.

Jay tries to get involved and to calm us all down

but I’m already on top of him.

“I go where I want with who I want.” I am

resentful and angry and I understand what Patrick

was telling me about losing control, because he’s

doing it right now. “No one will tell me

otherwise.”

Patrick’s look gets harder still but I face him

with my head up.

“Nate and I need to talk.”

“About what?” he challenges, raising his chin in

anger.

“Our baby.”

I can see his heart falling to pieces through his

eyes and I can also hear the sound in my ears. It’s

deafening, one of those noises that makes you lose

your hearing and your lucidity and makes you

wish you were dead, instead of hiding in a three-

foot deep hole.

We look at each other for a few seconds, and I

already know it’s over.

The light has gone out and the hope is shattered.

I’ve hurt him. Hurt him in the worst way

possible. I’ve just made the biggest mistake of my

life and I can’t take it back now. And I know

apologizing wouldn’t serve any purpose.

Patrick closes his eyes and when he reopens

them all I can see is blackness, profound and

infinite. Something impossible to come back from.

His heart has been drowned in the darkness of

his soul and nothing will bring it back.

Patrick

Our baby, she says .

And in three seconds I lose everything.

“We met a few weeks ago and I told him the

truth. He had a right to know.”

A right?

He abandoned her.

“I should have told you sooner, but between one

thing and another, I didn’t have the courage plus I

couldn’t find the right moment.”

The right moment to tell me that he was back in

her life? In their life?

“Nate is her father, Patrick. Her … real father,

and I can’t ignore him,” she concludes leaving

what little is left of my heart in tatters.

I raise my hands and walk away briskly without

turning back. Because it’s their baby. Not mine.

Never was. Even if I wished it were mine more

than anything I’ve ever wished for before.

Because I loved them. I love them. Both of

them.

Like I could never love anyone.

Love makes you blind and stupid.

And useless.

I am a useless man.

I go away from her, from this love that turned

me upside down and quenched my thirst and has

now left me dried out and completely empty.

Jay follows me closely, even if he doesn’t say

anything. He gives me space to vent my rage that I

know is about to overcome me and throw me

down.

If I am about to lose control, it’s better that no

one is around.

I open the door to our home and go into my

room, but I know it would be better if everyone

left me alone.

Jay comes in followed by Aaron. They sit on the

bed and I sit on the ground and drop my head in

my hands and just cry.

I cry and cry, all the fucking tears I’ve never

shed, not even when I was a child.

He’s come back and is taking everything with

him.

And I’ve got nothing.

Not the woman I love, not the child I adore.

And not myself, because without them I don’t

exist.

“Buddy,” Jay says quietly as he touches my

shoulder and I cry harder. “Please, Patrick. I can’t

see you like this, I don’t know what to do,” he

says, sounding really worried.

“There’s nothing you can do, Jay!” No one can

do anything!” I jump to my feet. “She has decided.

After all that…”

I can’t do this.

I drop to my knees and continue to cry. And this

goes on for two hours, maybe three before I fall

into a troubled sleep. And when I wake up, I start

crying again, harder still and more desperate

because I realize I’m alone in bed and she’s not

here.

And I cry for another hour, I think, before

falling back asleep thanks to some pills Aaron had

on hand.

I wake up at dawn, with my eyes that burn and

weigh a ton and my head is hammering. I turn my

head on the pillow and find my mother next to me.

“Honey,” she says, with that expression she had

the day my dad left us. “Aaron called me.”

I nod trying to hold back the tears.

I didn’t think I had any left. I underestimated

myself.

“Everything is going to work out,” she

continues, caressing my face. “I promise you.”

“You can’t make a promise that you can’t keep,

Mom.”

“She’ll come back, you’ll see. Give her a little

time. He is the child’s father. She is confused and

insecure.”

“You’re right, Mom,” I say, looking at the

ceiling. “That baby is his. It always was.”

“Oh, love…”

“Please Mom, let me be. I have to sleep some

more.”

She gives me a kiss on the forehead. “I’ll be

downstairs if you need me.” And she leaves.

Then I turn over and drown my face in my

pillow, hoping to deaden these sobs that are back

again to choke me.

I have avoided this kind of situation my whole

fucking life so as to avoid suffering and forgetting

who I am for the sake of loving someone else.

I didn’t have any idea how much it could really

hurt. I wasn’t even remotely close to imagining

what you could feel when someone opens your

chest with their bare hands and rips your heart out

with their nails.

The door opens again and I regret the fact that

in this fucking house there is no concept of

privacy. A man isn’t free to drown in his own

fucking misery.

Rain sits on my bed without saying anything.

She rubs my head and smiles at me sadly. She’s

got red puffy eyes, so she must have been crying

too. Like always.

I sit up a bit to look at her better. Her eyes talk

for her. She’s feeling just as bad as I am.

So I stand up and hug her. I hold her tight until

we both burst out crying again.

“She left,” she cries. “She went to go stay with

her father,” she continues and I squeeze my eyes

shut tight and try to get back to breathing

regularly.

Erin has left, taking every word, every caress,

every kiss and every hope away with her.

And nothing will ever be the same.

I will never be the same.

Erin has left.

Taking the best part of me with her.

25

Erin

“Honey,” my dad calls out as he knocks on the

door of my room. “Can I come in?”

I don’t answer and after a few seconds he comes

in anyway.

I am lying down on the bed and hugging a

pillow. I have been in this position for more or less

ten days, four hours and thirty-six minutes. Ever

since I hurt the man I love and let him go.

I made a mess.

I have to admit that when I saw Nate again,

when he found out about the baby and he said he

was ready to start over, I did have a moment of

doubt creep into my brain. I don’t know why,

maybe because I was confused, my hormones are

crazy, and because Nate is the baby’s father and

even I didn’t tell him the truth right away, it was

just a question of time before I had to. After all, he

did have the right to know.

The only thing I didn’t want was for him to stay

with me to try to save something that was already

over just in order to give the baby some stability.

I wanted to tell Patrick about this situation with

Nate, but he’s been so wonderful in these weeks,

so attentive and caring that day after day I started

to set aside that idea about going back with Nate,

as if the conversation never happened, as if he

didn’t exist and wasn’t really this child’s father.

Because I wanted with all my heart for Patrick

to be the father.

“Honey, Nate is downstairs.”

Nate.

He comes every day to visit me. He’s trying to

make up for lost time. He’s available and attentive

but there is no love in his eyes, or his words

because I am not in his heart.

As much as he tries to be what I wish he was, he

isn’t Patrick.

And he never will be.

No one will ever be Patrick.

“Should I send him up?” asks my father after

hesitating since I haven’t answered him.

“I don’t feel like talking to him today. Can you

tell him I’m resting and I’ll call him tonight?”

“Erin…”

“Please, I don’t want to see him. Not now.”

“Honey, that boy is the father of this child. He’s

ready to take care of both of you. He wants to give

you a house; he wants to create a family. Nate

loves you.”

“He doesn’t love me, Dad.”

“Oh my dear. Affection? Love? All these

evocative words? What’s important is that you’re

together, you understand each other. Try to give it

a chance, please honey, just try to compromise.”

“Love isn’t a compromise.”

“My child, life is a compromise.”

“Well, with him it wasn’t, it wasn’t any of this,”

I say, sitting up. “With him everything was

wonderful and…” And I can’t finish the phrase but

the tears are at the door.

“Is everything okay, here?” Mom says, poking

her head around the doorway, listening and ready

to intervene. She’ll be staying with us for a bit.

“I’ll take care of it,” she says, indicating that my

dad should leave us alone.

My father nods and they exchange a glance of

mutual comprehension. Luckily, my parents

remained on good terms after the separation; they

are friends and in the past they have always agreed

about the decisions made together for my sake.

My mom comes in and sits on the bed.

“Have you eaten? Shall I bring you something?”

I shake my head and rest it on the pillow,

turning on my side.

“You have to eat.”

Strange how all that appetite I had has just

vanished.

“Erin, Nate is a good boy. Even if he made a

mistake. He’s ready to take on his responsibility

and stay with both of you.”

“I beg you, Mama. Not you too!”

“Let me finish … I was saying, he’s the father

of this creature, biologically speaking, but you

know, it’s not blood that ties people together. It’s

easy to love blood of your blood. Who comes from

you and brings with it the family line,” she talks

while caressing my hair. “You know what isn’t

easy at all? Falling in love with a creature that

hasn’t come into this world yet, loving her with all

your heart and soul, waiting for her arrival with

anxiety and trepidation, loving her mother as if she

were the only woman on earth … These are things

that not many could do, you know? It’s hard to

love someone that reminds you your entire life that

they didn’t come from you, but from someone

else, and yet, there are some people that are able to

do it. Those are the people, Erin, that you

shouldn’t let go of.”

I turn towards her and flood my pillow with

tears.

“That man loves you, Erin.”

“I’ve ruined everything.”

“You made a mistake, it’s comprehensible. You

were confused and scared and didn’t know what to

do.”

“I know what you’re trying to tell me, Mom,

and I appreciate it. But Patrick isn’t the father of

the baby even if I wish that he was with all my

heart. I have to face facts and give Nate a chance.”

“Oh honey.”

“Patrick deserves to live his life and find

someone that hasn’t gotten pregnant by the first

guy she sleeps with and dumps all the

responsibility on him. Patrick deserves to find his

way without being held down. I have to leave him

free, Mom.”

“If you’re willing to let him go, if you prefer

hating yourself rather than knowing what you feel

just for letting him go, it means that you truly love

him. Only an unconditional love could bring you

to such a decision.”

And that’s how it is. I love him. And there are

no scarier or bigger words that that, but that’s what

love is. It’s enormous. It’s so big it can’t fit in my

heart. But it is a selfish love because I want him all

for us. I want his constant presence, his kisses and

caresses. His jokes and his cussing. I want all of

his time and attention. I want it so much I’m afraid

of destroying everything with my own hands.

Patrick is a wonderful man that has many things

to offer a woman, he just needed a way to vent his

anger and use his love instead. I know it will be

difficult to get over but it’s the right thing to do

and with time, he’ll realize it too.

He needs a woman that loves him and cuddles

him on cold nights, that makes him smile on black

days and is all for him and that one day will give

him his family, his family, not someone else’s. He

needs a woman who doesn’t need him, his help or

support but a woman who wants to stay with him

because she wants him and desires him, not

because he has to take care of her.

And I need to find my road, alone without Nate,

without my parents and without his love.

Patrick

“Hey, buddy, everything’s ready.”

“Be there in a minute.”

“Sure you’re up to playing?”

Play, eat, sleep, breathe.

Live.

Nothing makes sense anymore after she’s taken

everything with her.

I nod, drying my hands on my jeans and

jumping to the stage on the other side.

“Patrick,” Jay says with that compassionate face

that I’d like to smash in, just so that I don’t have to

see it anymore. “I know that you miss her and that

everything seems senseless now, but you’ll see in

time—”

“What? With time I’ll forget? I’ll find someone

else? What is it you’re trying to tell me, Jay? Were

you able to go ahead after Alex?”

There I am. Same old asshole I used to be.

I just said the only name I never should have.

The only weak link in Jay’s controlled and

schematic world. The only thing able to knock him

over and I, bastard to the bone, take advantage of

the situation to make him back off.

Jay looks at me, still with that expression of

pity, and I feel like an asshole for having dug up

Alex and reminding him of what he feels about

her.

“I’m sorry,” I tell him, looking away.

“Don’t worry about it. I do understand, you

know? I know how you feel and that you’d like to

break everything you see with your bare hands.

But there’s nothing you can do to bring her back to

you. You have to accept it and move on because if

you don’t, it will destroy you.”

“Destroy me? I’m already there. I am

completely devastated and I feel defeated, empty

and terribly alone. Nothing could destroy me like

this. I’ve gone so far down that nothing could

bring me back.”

“Patrick.” He places both hands on my

shoulders.

“And maybe I don’t want to crawl out. I deserve

it, for how I decided to live my life until she chose

to give me a chance. I almost believed it, that I

would be able to be different, to be a man.”

“You are, Patrick, you are. You let her go

because of love, you did the right thing.”

Love? This is love?

It’s suffering, wringing your soul, shredding

your heart and feeding it to the wolves.

“Are you ready?” Aaron calls us from the stage.

I shake my head and join him while Jay stands

behind me sighing in frustration. I go up on the

stage and grab my bass. Liam is still at the table

sitting with Rain. He’s talking with her, smiling at

her and he gives her a tender kiss on the lips and I

feel like I could die right now, and maybe I really

would like to.

Erin has gone. She’s probably choosing the

color of the baby’s room, the crib, her first outfits

right at this moment. Her name. All of the choices

that I have no part of and I’ll never get a chance to

say what I feel about the new life inside her.

I lost the woman I love, the woman I would

have died for, and I lost my child. Yes, I know she

never was mine but I felt like she was since the

first moment I knew about her existence. And it’s

inexplicable what I feel for her, but it’s so beautiful

and pure, something innocent that has bloomed in

my heart spontaneously, as easily as breathing.

And I imagined holding her in my arms on the

first day of her life. Of taking her to the park and

pushing her on the swing. Taking her for walks on

the beach and holding her hand on the first day of

school. Of singing her a song every night to lull

her to sleep. And to stay awake, all night if

necessary, so I could watch over her dreams, to

battle any monsters and dragons and to be her

hero.

I heard her voice in my head calling me daddy

and I thought I would die of happiness. Because

this child filled my life and gave me a reason to be

a better person, to take care of others and to love

them with all of my heart.

And I would have loved her forever without

compromise.

Aaron clears his throat, shaking me from my

daydream, a dream I need to let go of now because

it ends with the derailing of my heart. Because

there won’t be anyone to call me daddy. And there

won’t be any woman next to me, to hold my hand,

to smile at me, to hold me and to rub my back.

Because she is with someone else now, someone

who took the place I wanted and would have paid

anything for.

Is someone getting the best, the best, the best,

the best of you?

Who is there with them now?

Are you gone and onto someone new?

Is he the one holding them at night? Is he the

one that Erin sleeps with every night, resting her

head on his chest?

Its real, the pain you feel

Is he the one that caresses her belly and makes

the baby hear his voice so that she grows with

confidence?

Is he the one that took my life?

It’s this damn pain I feel in my chest, my head

and my bones. Will it kill me on the spot or make

me go completely crazy?

Best Of You, In Your Honor, Foo Fighters

Because I am going crazy, I am losing control of

my mind and my senses because I cannot see or

hear anything but her, even if she has gone

bringing everything with her.

“Hey, I think you need a break.” Aaron rests his

hand on my back looking at me seriously.

“What … Why?”

“Patrick, you’re a mess. You can’t go on like

this.”

He’s right about that. I’m dead inside and

maybe outside too.

I nod, clenching my jaw tightly to placate the

rage and frustration I feel as I rest the bass against

the wall and keep away from the people in the pub

to escape these emotions that are dragging me

down.

But it’s not enough. No. It would be too easy.

I want to hurt myself more. I want to get to that

other part of the tunnel and then decide if I should

come back or not.

So I go up the stairs, open the door and a cloud

of memories runs through my mind so intensely

that I lose my balance and have to place my hand

on the wall behind me to steady myself.

I see her singing around the counter. In front of

the mirror as she rubs her belly. Lying on the bed

as I kiss every fucking inch of her body. I can hear

her whispering my name. I can feel her hands and

she caresses my face and her lips heal all of my

wounds.

I see and hear everything and I understand that I

have gone crazy because she isn’t here. The house

is empty. Her things are gone.

I go into her room and sit on the bed, caressing

the sheets. Then I turn my head to the dresser

where there’s a teddy bear with a pink bib that

says, ‘It’s a girl’.

I take it and hold it tightly against my chest and

let all of the pain flow out in tears that I still have

to spill and that will fall for an eternity because I

will never be able to forget her and the life that I

cannot have.

26

Erin

“Good morning, honey, I thought you had to see

Nate this morning.”

“Hi, Mom,” I reply. “I should have but they

called him to the university for something and so

we put it off for later.”

“How do you feel? Do you still have a

backache?”

“Really bad,” I say, touching the painful area. I

flop on the couch because by now I am so big that

it’s hard for me to keep upright. The baby is very

active and I can’t get more than an hour’s sleep at

a time. I am tired and I’m only at thirty weeks.

This pregnancy is going on forever. And I’m still

so behind on my thesis that I’m afraid that it’ll

have to wait until next semester. I’ve tried to do it,

but with the tiredness and my poor concentration

I’m not able to prepare as I should.

“What plans have you got for today?” Mom

asks. She’s just returned to Dublin after having

spent two months in America. I’ve remained here,

with Dad, at least for now. When the baby is born

I’m planning on getting an apartment for the both

of us.

I’ve decided to raise her alone. It didn’t work

out with Nate before and it won’t work out now,

despite his efforts to make me believe otherwise. I

know he’s motivated with good intentions and

he’ll be a good dad for her but he will not be my

life’s companion. There’s nothing between us but a

tender affection that will help us to be good

parents even though we’re not a couple.

I don’t think I’ll ever be able to give my heart to

someone else in my lifetime. I think we can fall in

love infinite times, but you only really love

someone once.

And I’ve already used mine.

I sigh begrudgingly accepting it, because

thinking of him provokes a pain in my heart and a

sense of emptiness that nothing can ease, but I

know that when the baby arrives I’ll have a new

person to shower all of my love on.

“Maybe I’ll call Rain,” I reply. “Ask her if she’d

like to go for a walk.”

“Just don’t wear yourself out, dear.”

“Don’t worry, it’ll be good for me.” I smile

before getting up with a bit of difficulty and going

upstairs to look for my cell phone.

Rain and I are in contact as we always have

been. We don’t see each other very much because

she’s always busy, but she stops by to see me when

she can. She tells me about the pub and the guys

but she never mentions Patrick. There’s a clear

agreement between us: I don’t ask and she doesn’t

tell, and I imagine she has the same agreement

with him. It’s the right thing to do.

I go into my room and dig around in my sheets

when I’m overcome with a tremendous sensation

of pain.

I breathe deeply, waiting for it to pass, but after

two minutes I’m still panting and I start to worry

that these are not the usual pre-birthing

contractions.

Next I try to sit on the bed and then lay down a

bit waiting for the pain to pass but it gets worse

instead, expanding into my lower abdomen. I

breathe in again until it seems like the pain is

diminishing, but then there’s another surge of

agony that makes me scream out.

My mom runs upstairs and opens the door.

“Erin … what’s happening?”

“Something’s wrong, Mom.”

“I’ll call your dad right away and get him back

here.”

“Mom,” I say through my tears. “Call an

ambulance,” I tell her in a thread of a voice before

showing her that my hands are covered in blood

and I’m losing my senses.

~ ~ ~

I wake up in the hospital and I’ve got three doctors

around me saying things that I can’t understand.

I’m wearing a mask for oxygen and I can hear my

mother crying next to me.

I turn my head slowly and I move my oxygen

mask with my free hand.

“Relax, honey,” she says, caressing my face.

“They are taking care of you.”

“What? What happened?”

One of the doctors is checking the monitor next

to me and gives me a strained smile.

“Hello, Erin. We almost lost you … but the

situation is now under control. Your placenta

became detached and your daughter went into fetal

suffering. You lost a lot of blood but you are now

stable.”

I nod, not sure I really understand.

“Erin, if the situation doesn’t improve, if you

should have another hemorrhage, we will have to

proceed with an emergency cesarean.”

“But the baby is too small. She’s just in the

thirtieth week!” I protest without enough strength.

“Thirty weeks is still viable for the baby. We

have had cases of premature births where the

children have bounced back and been perfectly

well.”

“No, no!” I argue with him, trying to move

when a new fit of pain hits me and I instinctively

shut my eyes.

“Bring her upstairs,” the doctor says to the

others and they prepare me for being moved.

“I’m sorry Erin, we can’t wait any longer,” he

tells me. “We have to do it now.”

“Mama!” I cry, holding her hand.

“It’s going to be alright, dear. I am here.”

“Mama, listen,” I say as they run me down the

corridor putting my oxygen mask back on.

“What is it?”

“Call Father,” I try to get the words out but

they’re garbled and I know I’m losing my senses

again.

“Relax, I’ve already called Dad, he’s on his

way.”

“No! I don’t mean Dad.” I shake my head and

squeeze the nurse’s hand to tell her that I want to

stop moving. Mom comes in close, moves my

mask, putting her lips to my mouth. “What is it,

honey?”

“Call her father.”

Patrick

“No, Al, you’re wrong again!” I say, exasperated at

our supplier. “They should have been three cases

of coke and two orange. ”

“Alright, no problem,” he says. “I’ll bring them

to you as soon as I’m passing by this way again.”

“Is it possible that it’s so hard for you to get the

delivery right? I mean, one fucking delivery?”

Frustrated, I rest up against the counter and

cross my arms over my chest.

“What the heck is it?” he asks me. “God, why

are you so sensitive this morning?”

I lift my arms in a sign of peace. Speaking with

Al is like talking with a mule that is perpetually in

a drunken stupor. I shouldn’t serve him all that

Guinness in the evenings.

The door opens and Rain runs in with her cell

phone in her hand.

“Hey, Rain, why are you running?”

She stops, panting, before showing me the

phone.

“What?” I say getting closer.

“Why don’t you answer your telephone!”

“Sorry,” I say touching my pocket. “I must have

left it in back.”

“You have to, you have to go now.”

“Where?” I ask taking her hands. “Rain, what’s

going on?”

“H-hospital…” she stutters, “the b-baby.”

~ ~ ~

I run out of the pub leaving Al in charge until

Aaron can get there to take over. I stop on the kerb

of the street, holding Rain under her arm because

she’s so upset that she can’t stand up on her own. I

stop the first taxi that passes with a whistle and we

jump in.

My heart has stopped. My hands are shaking

and my mind is foggy with a hundred million

thoughts going two hundred miles an hour, for sure

I wouldn’t have been able to drive.

I am losing control; my head is the only part of

me that is still inside my body.

Hospital. Baby.

Rain didn’t say anything else and it’s useless to

press her for more because it would only agitate

her further. When she’s like this she’s not able to

talk. Putting two words together is a great effort

for her and I don’t want to push it.

Fifteen minutes and then the taxi stops in front

of the emergency room doors, which slide open,

and I rush to the desk to get information.

“Erin O’Neill!” I yell at the nurse behind the

glass.

“Just a minute,” she answers as she types Erin’s

name in the computer. “They brought her by

ambulance … just a moment. Who are you?”

“I am… I am…” I stutter without finding a

convincing description of my relationship with her,

something that would justify my being here.

“I can only give information to relatives,” she

tells me. “I’m sorry.”

“He’s the father,” a voice behind me says. “He’s

the father of the baby. That’s why I called him.”

Erin’s mother joins us and delicately pulls on

my arm, making a gesture with her head to the

nurse. “Come on Patrick, come and sit with me.”

We sit in the waiting room. I let my head fall

and rub it hard three times to get the blood

circulating.

“She’s still in the operating room. They are

doing an emergency cesarean,” her mum says in a

voice broken with tears. “They don’t know…” She

sighs. “…They’re trying to save both of them.”

Then she continues to talk to me, saying

something positive, something about letting us

know the best, but I can’t hear a word. The only

thing I hear is Rain sobbing and the noise is

blowing out my eardrums.

Save. Both.

The two most important women of my life in

the hands of who knows what.

What an idiot I’ve been.

I should not have let her leave, I should have

fought and stayed with them every minute,

because my one chance might be gone now.

I wish I had told her what I felt, about the

feelings that she alone was able to spark in my

heart. I’d like to talk to her again to tell her that

she is the most important thing in the world and

that I love her more than any other thing in time

and space.

I want to see Erin again, I want to hold her and

let her know that I’m here and always will be, even

when she wouldn’t see me, even when she went

away.

I want to kiss her lips again to imprint their

sweet taste in me and never forget it again.

I want to be surrounded by her infinite

sweetness and tenderness when she looks at me or

smiles, I’m savoring just the image I have of her

smiling, rubbing her belly.

She has given me so much more that she could

ever know. She opened an unknown world to me, a

world made of sweetness and warmth, sincere

hugs and with love.

I need another day, just one more to give her the

deepest part of me, so that she feels loved

completely and unconditionally.

I need another of our sweet days to protect her

with me forever. Because she is forever. Even if

that forever should only last a second.

I love her and I’ve never told her. I’m not good

with words, I’ve never been able to open my heart,

but for her, for them, I would let someone tear it

out of my chest without even thinking about it.

For them, to be able to see them, and to touch

them, I would give anything in my power. I would

even trade my sorry life for them if it would make

any difference.

I don’t believe in any kind of religion and I’ve

never prayed in my life, but now I find myself

begging God and all of his fan club to take my

useless life and give me theirs in return. Because if

I lost even one of them, my heart couldn’t bear it.

If I lost them, I really would not have a reason

to get up in the morning.

They are my hope.

They are my world.

I want them to live and to be happy. I want them

to be a family, even if I can’t be a part of it.

27

Erin

I am dazed and tired. I can’t open my eyes but I

can sense a presence next to me and I can feel

something touching my hand. I move my head

slowly toward that sensation.

I open one eye and then the other. I blink again

and again before focusing on the figure at my side

who is holding my hand and has his face covered

in a beard.

The reality of it hits me in the stomach and

agony and fear assault me, together with hot tears.

I emit a guttural sound, I have a dry throat and it

burns and is painful. I try to move the other hand

but it’s attached to an intravenous drip and I don’t

have enough strength.

He lifts his head suddenly and what I see in his

eyes makes me shake and I’m paralyzed with fear.

Patrick jumps to his feet and steps back from

the bed. He’s moving his lips but no sound is

coming out of his mouth. Then he comes close

again and he caresses my forehead with shaking

hands.

I close my eyes and feel that sweet tender

contact that I’ve missed so badly and let myself

sob desperately.

“Shh,” he whispers, delicately kissing my tears.

“Please don’t get upset. I am here and I always

will be.”

I nod and try to talk.

“Don’t force it, Erin. Be calm. You can’t move,

okay?”

“The b-b… baby?” I whisper.

Patrick sits down and takes my hand again.

Then he kisses it and breaks out in tears and

judging from his tired, defeated face this situation

must have been going on for some time now.

I’ve never seen anyone cry like this. I’ve never

seen someone so desperate and anguished.

Lost.

He dries his tears with his sweatshirt sleeve and

then looks at me with those deep dark eyes so that

I think I could navigate through them and never

come back.

“She’s beautiful, Erin,” he says, laughing and

crying at the same time. “She’s perfect, just like

you.”

I let out a liberating yell that runs through me

and God, it doesn’t hurt. I cry so badly that I can’t

see anything and Patrick is there to hold my hand

and dry my tears with all of the sweetness he is

capable of.

“She is in prenatal intensive care,” he explains.

“She’s small and her lungs are not fully developed

yet. But she’s strong and a fighter and is

responding well to therapy.”

I nod because I’m not stupid. I know that she

was born prematurely and that there will be a

million complications to face, but she has been

born and she is alive.

She is real.

All of this is real.

I let Patrick’s hands go and try to take my

oxygen mask off, because I want to tell him, I

want to ask forgiveness, I want him to know how

much I’ve missed him and how much I’d like to go

back to how things were.

He blocks my hand and shakes his head. Then

he kisses my forehead and tells me again to be

still, that I need to rest, that there’s no need for me

to say anything.

Then a nurse comes in and adds something to

my IV. I can feel my eyelids getting heavy, I’m not

able to keep my eyes open but the last thing I see

before I drift off is Patrick’s beautiful smile and I

know that everything will be fine.

Patrick

I let Erin fall asleep and rest some more. The

whole thing was so difficult and we were really

afraid of losing her.

I was afraid to lose her.

They were able to get the baby out in ten

minutes and they brought her immediately to

intensive care in the neonatal ward. All they told

us was that she was born and that she had a

respiration problem and had to be incubated but

the pediatrician said it’s par for the course for

premature babies.

Things were harder as far as Erin was

concerned.

She had lost a lot of blood and they weren’t able

to stop the hemorrhaging. They gave her two

transfusions and her mother donated blood. They

didn’t think they’d be able to save her uterus, the

situation was compromised, but someone up there

came down to give us a hand and they were able to

save her.

By a thread, the surgeon said.

They brought her to intensive therapy and she

was in there all day in a state of semi-

consciousness and I don’t believe she was aware

of what was happening around her at all.

And now she’s awake. I was able to look into

her eyes and kiss her and swear that I would never

allow her to leave me again. Because what I feel

now, looking through the glass at the baby who is

the picture of her mother, is something that cannot

be ignored or asked to be set aside. Even if they

cut off my balls.

Erin’s mother and father are here next to me,

tired, having been through the mill and the

emotional roller coaster. I called my family too:

they all wanted to come here but I asked them to

wait a bit so that Erin could have a little time to

recover.

I say goodbye to Erin’s parents so I can go

down to the cafeteria where the guys are waiting

for the latest updates.

They are all here for her.

For us.

Because Jesus Christ, there is an us. There

always has been. And no one is taking her away

from me.

I meet Nate in the corridor. His face is tight and

his eyes are puffy. He’s also been here the whole

time but he hasn’t seen the baby yet.

I go towards him and stop right in front of him.

I raise my glance and his face falls alongside his

security and so does his arrogance. He falls into

my arms and I hold him up, like a friend, like one

of the family, because whether I like it or not, he is

part of this family.

He is the father of the child.

I hug him and let him vent his feelings, giving

him a few pats on the back. Then, I bring him,

supporting him by putting my arm around his

shoulders, to the window next to where Erin’s

parents are standing.

“There she is,” I say, indicating the window.

“Bed number 12.”

He covers his mouth with his hand and he starts

crying again as Erin’s father encourages him to

calm down because the worst is over. I turn and

leave them to head back where I was going, but

Erin’s father blocks me.

I turn and see his hand extended. I accept it and

shake it but he pulls me to him and hugs me

warmly. I respond to his embrace and he whispers

in my ear: “Take care of my girls.”

I nod keeping in the emotion, then let him go

and I smile at him, turning towards the stairs to go

give everyone the good news that our family has

just grown.

28

Erin

It’s the middle of the night and I am surrounded by

silence. After having seen everyone, one by one,

they let me rest. They took me off the oxygen but

I’m still attached to the IV and I won’t be able to

get up, probably for many more days. I am not

able to close my eyes and I can’t stop thinking

about my baby all alone, who still hasn’t seen me,

who I haven’t been able to hug and let her know

that I’m here.

The door opens slowly and Patrick’s head pops

around it.

“How did you—”

“Shh,” he says, putting his finger to his lips and

giving me one of his ‘pleased with himself’ smiles.

He comes in the room and lets all the others

come in too. Jay is with him and so are Aaron and

Liam and all of them seem to have a guilty

expression on their faces.

“You guys? What the heck?”

“Patrick knows how to be very convincing,” Jay

says, winking at me before lowering the bar on the

bed.

Liam comes to the other side doing the same

and smiling at me, and Aaron stands guard at the

door.

“All clear,” he says, making a sign for us to

move. Patrick goes behind me and starts pushing

the bed towards the door.

“Are you ready?” he asks, kissing my forehead.

“Ready for what?”

“To meet your daughter.”

~ ~ ~

We go along the semi-deserted corridor. The few

nurses we pass wink at us as we go. I imagine that

Patrick must have used a bit of his charm to get us

this little favor.

We get to the window but I am lying down and

can’t see anything. Patrick helps lift me and I grab

on to my abdomen tightly to avoid any shocks.

“Bed number 12,” he whispers in my ear before

sitting next to me.

The guys disappear discreetly in silence but I

am not able to hold back my tears.

Patrick smiles at me and holds my hand, before

having me rest my head on his shoulder.

“She’s—”

“She’s beautiful, just like you, but she still

doesn’t have a name and I think we need to fix that

because we can’t go on calling her baby number

12.”

“You’re right, but I still haven’t thought of it. It

needs to be something appropriate, something that

fits her perfectly.”

“Lily,” he says.

“Lily?”

“When I look at her the first thing that comes to

my mind is perfection, because that’s what she is,

she’s pure and absolutely perfect and I would do

anything so that she remains that way forever.”

And in this moment, next to the most imperfect

man that the world has brought forth, I see

everything very clearly before my eyes.

I see two hands that make a little dark haired

girl with wavy hair jump.

I see a man on the couch asleep with her on his

chest.

I see a house full of chaos, love and laughter. I

see the face of a man that my daughter will call

daddy, because this little girl has only ever had one

man as her father.

Only one wonderful man.

A man that he will love her more than anything

in the world.

“Lily … Our Lily,” I say, and he squeezes my

hand tight.

Patrick

Erin came home today. Now, after two weeks,

she’s able to stand up and take a few steps, but she

can’t be alone and her mother wants to be there for

her until she has to return to America, so she’s

decided to stay at her father’s house for now, until

she’s better and then she can make a decision

about the future.

I don’t want to pressure her or force her to make

a decision right away. Everything that’s happened

will give us time to reflect and understand what we

are to each other and what it is we want.

God, I already know. If it were up to me, I’d

bring her home with me and take care of her every

minute, but Erin is a mother now and she wants to

understand what to do with her life.

We are all in the hospital to visit the baby. Lily

will have to stay here for a few more weeks and

Erin is hesitant to leave her, but until the situation

stabilizes the doctors cannot release her.

I find everyone in the corridor in front of the

nursery window. That includes the entirety of my

big mess of a family.

My mother is beside herself with joy. She’s told

everyone in the neighborhood that her

granddaughter was just born and she can’t wait to

bring her home.

Erin is inside, by now they let her spend a little

time with the baby but she doesn’t want to let her

go. Every time she has to put her back in the

incubator she cries for an hour and I’m there to

console her.

That asshole Nate is also here. Okay, he doesn’t

bother me as much as he did before, and I do feel

some empathy for him, but he’s still an asshole. He

stays to the side, looking on from a distance,

unable to say or do anything.

I can understand him. He feels out of place, but

he shouldn’t because Lily is his daughter and

always will be, no matter what.

Erin comes out of the room and greets

everyone, drying her eyes. She’s sad and depressed

and I’d like to make her laugh like I used to but I

don’t think one of my jokes would do it.

I can’t imagine what it means to her to have to

leave Lily. If it’s really painful for me it must be

unsustainable for her. I squeeze her gently, giving

her a kiss on the forehead.

“Be strong, it’s almost over, you just need to

hang on a bit longer.”

She nods, unconvinced and my mother takes her

in her arms.

“Oh my dear. You’ll see that she’ll be well soon

and you’ll be able to bring her home. Come on,

let’s walk for a bit.” And they set off while

everyone looks at them sadly.

“Uh, Patrick, could we talk for a minute?” Nate

comes over to me.

“Sure,” I say, shrugging my shoulders.

We distance ourselves from the group and sit

down on some plastic chairs in the hallway.

Nate runs his hand through his hair and sighs.

“I wanted to ask you something,” he starts

saying before turning to look at me. “I’d like to ask

you to take care of them.”

“Nate, this is not the moment for that.”

“She has decided,” he says, smiling at me with a

tight face. “She always has chosen you, even when

I tried my hardest to convince her we could make

it. I care for Erin and for Lily’s sake I would have

tried a million times, but it wouldn’t have been the

right thing for either of us. And Erin has always

known that. I wanted you to know that she never

wanted me, Patrick.” He says this as he looks at

me again. “I don’t want there to be any doubts

about that.”

“Why are you telling me this?”

“Because I want Erin and Lily to be happy, to

know that they have a family who love them and

can always be there for them their whole life.”

“Nate, you’re her father, of course you’re going

to be part of her life, no matter what Erin decides,

whether I am there or not.”

He smiles crookedly.

“Of course you’re going to be there.”

“Nate—”

“Just … make them happy, okay?” he says

before standing up and going to the stairs.

“What did asshole number one want?” Jay asks,

coming over to me with Aaron.

“He just wanted to clear a few things up with

me.”

“Don’t tell me he’s still trying to convince her

to play ‘happy families’.”

“Nah, I think he’s accepted the idea.”

“Good for him. He wouldn’t have stood a

chance,” Aaron says.

I look at him with a raised eyebrow waiting for

the punchline.

“Hey, Jay, could you please explain to this idiot

what the situation is?”

Jay laughs and sits down next to me, putting a

hand on my leg.

“Oh Patrick, what are we going to do with

you?”

“Hum?”

“That girl loves you.”

29

Erin

Patrick came to pick me up to take me to see Lily.

By now it’s been three weeks that I’ve been doing

this treck from home to the hospital and back

every day to stay with her as much as possible.

Sometimes I go with my parents, sometimes

with Nate or Patrick, even when the nurse told me

when he doesn’t come with me he goes by himself

and stays with the baby as long as she lets him. He

has not missed one day.

We don’t talk much in the car because I’m

always so anxious to see her, afraid that something

may have happened to her in my absence.

Patrick brushes my hand and squeezes it lightly.

I turn to smile at him before looking out the

window and counting the minutes that separate us

from seeing her again.

These weeks have been so frenetic and

confusing that I still haven’t had time to be alone

with him to speak and try to clear things up. To tell

him how I feel.

I’m afraid that by now the moment has passed

and that something is broken between us,

something that can’t be repaired. It’s true, he’s

always present and told me that he would always

be there for us, but that doesn’t mean that we’ll be

a traditional family and we’ll all live under the

same roof.

It’s obvious he’s fond of Lily and so is the rest

of his family but that does not imply that he also

loves her mother and wants to spend the rest of his

life with her.

We go up the stairs: by now I am healed and a

little bit of movement will help me get back to my

old shape, if that’s ever going to be possible.

When I get to the window, I go to look for baby

number 12 but the bed is empty. I turn to look at

Patrick but I find him a few steps away holding a

little bundle. He comes to me and gently folds

back the cover.

“Here’s your mama, Lily.” He says to me setting

her in my arms. “Today we’re all going home

together.”

“Today?” I say, holding her to me. “Really?”

“I wanted it to be a surprise,” he says, smiling at

me.

“Oh, Patrick,” I exclaim, before his strong

tattooed arms embrace us both.

~ ~ ~

“Why are we here?” I ask him. “I thought we were

going home.”

Patrick opens the automatic gate of the villa

where he lives with the other guys. He gets back in

beside me and parks next to Liam’s car and then

comes round to open the door for us. He takes Lily

in his arms and waits for me to get my feet on the

ground.

“I don’t understand.”

“Come on,” he says, leading me inside.

Still confused I follow him into the house. I’ve

been here other times, I know it well, but I can’t

understand why this time crossing the threshold

it’s different.

It’s intimate.

We climb up two flights of stairs and get to the

attic door.

“Patrick?”

“Welcome home,” he says, smiling at me and

opening the door.

I peek my head inside and what I see literally

takes my breath away.

Rain’s mini apartment has been turned

completely upside down. The walls have been

painted green and yellow. In the middle of the

main room is a king-size bed and next to it is a

white wooden crib. There’s a changing table full of

accessories, diapers, baby creams and lotions.

“I thought in the beginning she could stay here

with us until she gets big enough to have her own

room. That would be … uh, this one here,” he

says, opening a door on his right.

I cover my mouth with my hand to stop the sobs

that are coming. The walls are pink and white and

the room is full of pictures of all of the family. My

parents are there, her mom and Carl, his brothers

and sisters, the guys, and Nate.

In the middle of the room there’s a little bed and

it looks like it’s been painted by fairies with a

dozen stuffed animals on it in every size and

shape.

Under the window there’s an armchair with a

colored blanket on it. I go to it and run my hand

over the surface, discovering a corner where her

initials have been embroidered.

L.D.

I look up to ask Patrick what it means.

“Lily Doyle,” he says, looking at me with a

tenderness that opens my heart and my mind and

makes me understand that we really are at home.

~ ~ ~

Patrick brings Lily to her new crib. She is

sleeping blessedly as I stay on the terrace enjoying

this strange spring sun and looking at the beautiful

countryside in front of the sea, the hills and the

lighthouse in the distance.

Patrick comes up behind me but I don’t turn

around because my heart is beating like crazy and

because I could faint with joy in his arms. He gets

closer and takes my hand, inviting me to sit.

“I know we haven’t talked about this, and

maybe it seems crazy. But Erin, I am sure. I’ve

never been so sure of anything in my life.”

I nod, continuing to shake.

“I believe that for every man, there exists just

one woman able to make him lose his head, make

him set aside all of his previous ideologies and

convictions. Only one woman who is able to teach

him how to love. But I thought that for me it was

different, that for me there was no one, that they

were all the same: all indiscriminate and fuckable

but not lovable. I was sure that for me that train

would not be passing and I was okay with it. But

it’s not like that anymore and I could never think

about going back to how things were.”

“N-no?”

He shakes his head.

“For every man there’s only one exception. And

you, Erin, you’re mine.”

Patrick

Erin remains speechless. Maybe I exaggerated a

bit, but come on, I’m Patrick and that’s how I do

things.

And yes, all right, I didn’t ask for her opinion

but to tell the truth, I did not want to waste a

second. I want her and Lily here with me every

day to bring in light, color, sound and love.

Because these women are my whole life now.

“Erin O’Neill, you’ve known me for a while

now and you know that, well, I was an asshole and

an idiot for thirty years, until you looked at me and

extended your hand, pulling me out of the

emptiness of my life which did not have any

meaning before you came along. Now I feel that

everything is in the right place, and we, together,

are right and that this is our future. We are a

family.”

“Patrick—”

“I want this life with you, with both of you and

I want it right now, I don’t want to wait another

second.”

“Patrick.” She gets up and lets go of my hands.

“You don’t need to do all of this for us. It isn’t

necessary. You don’t have to do this because Lily’s

here now and you feel like you’re responsible.”

“Erin.” I look for eye contact. “Look at me. I’m

nothing without you. Nothing. The time we spent

apart was un-livable and I never want to feel that

way again. And when I thought I could have lost

you…” I hold back the tears. “My heart

completely stopped. I would have given anything

to have you back with me, I would have traded my

life for yours.”

Erin shakes her head and hides her face and her

tears.

“Erin O’Neill, I am in love with you, and I

should have told you before, I know. I was wrong.

Because you deserve to hear it, to hear it every day

of your fucking life, and I’m going to say it every

day. To love you every moment and with every

breath and to tell you again and again until it

makes you nauseous. I will demonstrate it in every

way I can. And I do not promise you that I will not

commit some random act of bullshit or that I will

stop swearing because I don’t want to lie to you,

ever. But, I can promise you that I will always love

you, that I will love Lily as my own, because that

baby, Erin, has been mine since the first day I

knew of her existence. Erin, I promise to love you

and respect you and to never withhold my support

and my love. I will try to make you happy, I will

make myself lovable, I swear. I will try with all of

my strength because I am indisputably and fucking

yours.”

I get down on my knee to do this thing right.

What the fuck. And I pull out the ring I bought the

day Erin opened her eyes again and I was reborn.

“Erin O’Neill.” I breathe in as deeply as I can

and smile at her with all I’ve got. “Marry me and

make me a man. ”

She laughs, she cries and then laughs again and

cries again. Something tells me I hit the nail on the

head.

“Patrick Doyle,” she says, drying her face with

the back of her hand and looking me in the eyes.

“You are the most wonderful man that there is on

the earth. There’s nothing you need to do to make

us love you, because we already do, we have

always loved you and could never love any other

hothead.” As she talks she caresses my face. “And

if you want us, if you really want us, then we’ll be

yours unconditionally. Because you, Patrick, are a

man who stays, the morning after and the days that

follow. Forever.”

I’m a man who stays.

This woman has given me hope, dreams and a

future. And I intend to love her and the child for

the rest of my life.

I take her in my arms and hold her to me. And I

kiss her, finally, and I will continue to do so all my

fucking life. And she rubs my nape and laughs and

cries and I don’t let her up for a breath.

“Did she say yes?”

Rain’s voice calls up and we burst out laughing

like two idiots. I look at her carefully because

honestly, she didn’t answer at all.

She nods and I yell like a madman.

“She said yes!”

And I squeeze her again, spinning her in the air.

Everyone breaks into our room and, yes, I know

that’s going to happen frequently. More than I’d

like really, but okay, that’s how this house is: full

of chaos and crowds.

Aaron is going to go certified crazy now.

“We’ve stolen Rain’s room.”

“You haven’t stolen anything from me. We will

be very comfortable downstairs; we don’t need all

of this space. And then Liam and I will be forced

to be even closer to each other.” She smiles as

Aaron makes a gagging gesture.

“Everyone helped. We worked night and day for

five days to get this all ready for today. We wanted

your return home to be memorable.”

“Everyone?”

“Everyone.” I smile at her. “All the family.”

The family.

The most important thing in the world.

30

Erin

I take a deep breath and look in the mirror again.

For today, I decided to go back to my old look.

I’ve chosen a black tailleur and a pink blouse in

honor of Lily.

“Ready, dear?”

“Ready,” I say as I smooth down my skirt and

look at the most beautiful image in the world.

A father with his daughter.

Patrick smiles at me and gives me his hand, and

I take it and squeeze it because he is my strength.

Lily never leaves her daddy. She loves him like all

daughters adore their fathers. And I adore this

about the two of them, their exclusive relationship,

intimate and almost secret.

Patrick jumps to his feet at the first sign of

movement or a little cry. He takes her, cuddles her,

sings to her, even when it would be better for her

to calm herself on her own, it’s always better in

daddy’s arms.

Sometimes I wake up in the night and Patrick

isn’t there next to me. And so I tiptoe to her room

where I find them sleeping peacefully in the

armchair. He holding her in his strong tattoed arms

and she with her head resting on his shoulder,

dreaming the sweetest dreams because with a man

like that next to you, nothing else is possible.

We get in the car and head towards the

university where the commission is waiting for me

to discuss my thesis.

Six months have passed since Lily and I came

to live in our new home and since then, Patrick has

done everything to give me the time and space to

concentrate on my future.

I applied for the PHD program as well and I

think my chances of getting accepted are pretty

good.

My life was turned completely upside down,

and then put back together in a way that I could

never have imagined.

I like it and I wouldn’t trade it back for anything

in the world.

I go slower now, I enjoy every moment we have

together and I look around with open, curious eyes

like Lily does, to appreciate every detail and every

breath.

“Erin O’Neill,” the lead professor calls out. I

stand up and face the commission, sure of myself,

proud and happy.

~ ~ ~

I can just barely restrain myself from crying tears

of joy when I turn to look at my beautiful family,

who are all here for me.

Patrick’s brothers and sisters have a banner that

says, The smartest one in the family, and I laugh at

their calls of appreciation.

Rain is crying in Liam’s arms and Aaron and

Jay applaud. Nate is sitting next to Patrick, holding

his daughter’s hand and pointing towards me.

Lily is in her baby carrier on her wonderful

father’s mighty shoulders. She’s smiling and

wiggly, even if she can’t understand why, but she

probably feels the love and harmony that reigns in

this family.

And I look at Patrick and he smiles with pride

and his look transmits everything that he feels for

me.

I feel like I’m a part of something fantastic and

much bigger than I am: a beautiful family,

numerous and loud, which will always be there for

me.

And Lily will grow around people who love her

and will accompany her in all the phases of her

life.

Lily will grow with all of her family around her,

and I couldn’t ask for anything more.

Patrick

This morning Erin was a bit nervous but as soon as

we got to the university she showed her confidence

as well as her breathtaking beauty. The

commission couldn’t give her anything less than

maximum grades.

Sitting at the bottom of the stairs are my family.

I made them sit in the back to avoid them creating

an embarrassing scene for her. They even brought

a banner and Mom prepared a little party at home

because she says she wants everyone in the

neighborhood to know someone in her family is

graduating. I think that by now she had lost all

hope. I wasn’t offended and neither was anyone

else, because by now Erin is part of the family and

everyone supports her and loves her just like they

really provide for my little Lily, who is here

behaving very well in my baby backpack.

I talk to her often and sing to her too. I want her

to know who I am and that she’s able to recognize

my voice even with one syllable.

The voice of her father has to be something that

is reassuring for her.

The almost not an asshole anymore Nate is

sitting next to me. He’s holding Lily’s hand and

talks to her like an idiot using long words and

spouting fucking formulas. Come on, she’s eight

months old. There will be time for these things

later.

I know what he’s trying to do, he wants to

contrast his approach to her with my not-so-kind

manners, but what the fuck, I can control myself if

I want.

Erin is beautiful. She gets more so every day.

How does she do it?

Sometimes at night, I get up to rock Lily but I

rest her on my shoulder and I sit on the bed and

look at both of my girls sleeping.

And I am overwhelmed by an emotion that is

priceless, that cannot be described or quantified

and could not be substituted by anything else.

I love my women.

~ ~ ~

Erin stands up and turns to us. Everyone applauds

enthusiastically and my siblings let out a few too

many hoots and hollers but she laughs happily and

gives us two thumbs-up.

Her father, who is sitting behind me, leans in

towards me.

“She’s got it, I’m sure of it.”

I nod, as sure as he is. How could they not give

her that fucking doctorate?

Erin has to follow her road, the one she always

dreamed about. She was made for books, to

formulate those incomprehensible things that give

me a headache just thinking about them. But it’s

right for her. I’m made for the pub, for strumming

the guitar with my friends and acting like an idiot.

I don’t even know how to read music, much less

understand complicated things like she’s studying,

but I love her and support her in her decisions.

I’m here to take care of little Lily. And Rain.

And the guys. And her whole family, and mine.

And Nate. Jesus, there are too many of us, aren’t

there?

~ ~ ~

But before everything else, every plan, be it her

doctorate or teaching, there’s something important

that we have to do first.

I have to get that ring on her finger.

Because I am staying.

And she’s staying too.

We put off the wedding until after graduation

because there was no need to hurry, but now I

can’t wait until she’s my wife and Lily has my

surname.

Yes, Lily will have my surname too. Nate did

not agree to it in the beginning, but we’re a family

and if we get married Erin will have my name and

having Lily with the same name makes everything

easier for all of us. No one is trying to slam this

asshole seeking redemption out of Lily’s life. Not

even me. Lily needs both her parents and will

always have them with her.

“See Mama, honey? See how beautiful she is?

Just think, she’s so damned smart too,” I tell her

like an idiot because I am fucking crazy about her.

“Let’s hope Lily gets everything from her

mother, especially the brains,” interrupts the

asshole who hasn’t been redeemed yet.

“Well, the beauty is surely hers. As far as the

brains are concerned, even if she should take a bit

from her dad, that wouldn’t be too bad,” I reply,

glancing at him out of the corner of my eye.

“I hope she doesn’t take them from him,” he

says looking back at me. “Because her dad tends to

be a vulgar kind of guy, a hell raiser and an

asshole, much more like that than anyone would

like.”

I look at him, wrinkling my forehead, not sure

that I understand.

“Look at your daughter, Nate. The genes don’t

lie.”

Nate looks at Lily and caresses her cheek. Then,

whispers before shaking his head and smiling

sadly, says:

“She was yours all along.”

Playlist

Happiness, The Fray, The Fray

Say When, The Fray, The Fray,

Nice To Meet You, The Reign Of Kindo, Rhythm,

Chrod & Melody

Same Mistake, James Blunt, All The Lost Souls

You Found Me, The Fray, The Fray

Good Riddance (Time Of Your Life), Green Day,

Green Day Bluegrass

Wonderwall, Oasis, What’s The Story (Morning

Glory)

Best Of You, Foo Fighters, Match Of The Day

Biography

A.S. Kelly was born in Italy but lives in Ireland

with her husband, two children and a cat named

Oscar. She’s passionate about English literature, is

a music lover and addicted to coffee. She spends

her days in a small village North of Dublin,

looking for inspiration for her next stories.

Contacts:

[email protected]

Follow A. S. Kelly:

@ASKelly_Books