MEGAN
After much convincing to get Mathis out of my apartment, I had to send Lila a text to come and get him before he suffocated me.
It was nice to have my brother here, to be the recipient of his comfort, but I needed time to admit how wrong I had been, and to do so, I didn’t want anybody around.
A large part of me will never regret giving in to Chance’s charms. It ended the never-ending ‘what ifs.’ I knew what it was like to kiss him, make love to him, cuddle with him and laugh for no reason. I knew what it was like to flirt by text and feel loved. Well, I supposed my delusion got the better of me on that last bit.
Sighing, I scrolled through my Facebook feed, unconcerned about what my friends were up to when what I caught wind of more announcements of a new haircut, parties, restaurant and club openings. I dropped my phone on the couch and stared without seeing at the TV. I had picked a random action-packed movie on Netflix, but it wasn’t doing its job. All my thoughts were still on Chance, on the tears I shed again because of him, on the shame that plagued me for my stupid heart.
My phone vibrated next to me and it took me a few seconds to realize it wasn’t an incoming text or a Facebook notification, but an incoming call.
My eyes fell on the lit up screen and I froze.
Chance.
The nerve of him calling me now. It was half-past ten, hours after he stood me up.
I let the call go to voicemail and gripped my thighs so I wouldn’t grab my phone and check if he left a message. I wasn’t that pathetic person. I was strong. I didn’t need a man to be happy, and I sure didn’t need him to draw me back into whatever thing that would get my heart all tangled up again.
But of course, the whole universe must be against me.
He called again.
And again.
On the fourth time, I picked up the phone. “What!’’ I snapped as soon as I connected the call.
“Uh…hm…’’ He stuttered and that could have mellowed me if only my heart didn’t break further at the sound of his voice. “I’m sorry.’’
“Wow.’’ I chuckled harshly, no trace of humor in sight. “That’s nice. Thank you for your apology.’’
“Megan, please. I’d like to talk to you. Just a few minutes.’’
“Why should I give you that time? You left me hanging and you didn’t even think of letting me know that Mathis discovered everything. I never thought of you as selfish, but you proved me wrong.’’
“Shit,’’ he croaked and cleared his throat. His breathing turned heavier in my ear. “I fucked up. I did everything I swore I wouldn’t do and I—‘’
“You know what, I don’t have to hear this. What’s done is done. I’m tired and I don’t want to deal with you right now.’’
“Hm… I’m outside your building.’’
I blinked and looked out the window as if I could see him. There was no possible way I could see the ground unless I stood up, opened my window and got my head outside.
“Megan?’’
“Why are you doing this?’’
“I’m falling for you, that’s why.’’
“Chance, don’t.’’
My heart squeezed in my chest.
“It’s the truth and you know it.’’ His rough voice still had an effect on me. My whole body reacted. I shivered, my breasts got heavier and my stomach tightened. It was instinctive. It was maddening.
“I don’t know anything. I didn’t think you’d go radio silence on me so…’’
“Buzz me in and let me explain.’’
“It won’t change a thing.’’
“Probably, but I’d rather you see me as a coward than an asshole. Please.’’
Gingerly, I stood up and walked to the door. “Hurry up.’’ I disconnected the call. In my next breath, I buzzed him in.
I didn’t have much time to regret letting him in the building before he was knocking at the door. I blinked and put my phone on the console I got from a thrift shop and unlocked the door.
Chance stood there, breathless, cheeks pink from exertion and blue eyes the most intense I had ever seen them. And that hurts all the more.
He was handsome, the kind of man you stopped in your tracks when you crossed paths in the streets, but I knew that even though he scrambled my heart today, he wasn’t a bad man.
It didn’t mean I didn’t hate him at this moment, but I hated myself a lot more.
Silently, he walked into my apartment and closed the door. That sent my heart into overdrive. With the door open, it sent a message. It told him that I wanted whatever this was expedited.
I still let him close the door.
We faced each other in the living room, a few feet separating us when just this morning we had a hard time letting go of each other for the day.
“If you only knew how much I want to get my arms around you and never let go.’’
“Don’t give me that, Chance. You let go pretty easily as soon as it got tough.’’
He nodded and looked down. His shoulders drooped. “I have no excuse.’’
“Get to the point. I… It hurts to see you right now, okay?’’
His head jerked up, eyes searching mine. He took a step toward me but stopped when I shook my head.
“I never meant to hurt you and… Shit. Alright. When your brother confronted me, I was ready to resign, but he told me that he didn’t think I was the right man for you.’’
“And?’’
“And it screwed me up. I didn’t know what to think and my fear for my job, my growing feelings for you… everything overwhelmed me, so I left to visit my parents in Boston. I needed time to think.’’ He shook his head. “No, the truth is, I fled to my parents’ house and it was a wakeup call.’’
“You could have sent a text asking for time. I wouldn’t have pried or bothered you. Instead, you let me wait for you. You ended us without a single word, just the cold shoulder. Maybe that’s what you’re used to with women, but I’m not like that.’’
He extended a hand, that same hand I loved to feel on my body. I didn’t move. I watched as he closed the space between us and cupped my face. He trembled.
“You mean more to me than I can tell you. You’ve reached into my chest and stolen my heart with each of your smiles, with your kisses, your embraces, with the way you look at me.’’
“And you crushed mine carelessly.’’ I pushed away his hand. “What do you want? If that’s how you love someone, I’d hate to see how you are when you don’t.’’
“I deserve that.’’
I sighed then and rubbed my eyes, thankful I got all my makeup off after crying on my brother’s shoulder this afternoon. “I don’t want to fight. I don’t want to tell you ugly things I’d regret once I’ve calmed down. Just go.’’
“There’s nothing I can do to change your mind, is there?’’
“We’re supposed to be in the early stage of a relationship. It’s not supposed to be this hard and I’m not supposed to be broken hearted again. Chance, we’re not good for each other. I’m not the woman for you,’’ I said, choking on my words, “and you’re not the man for me.’’
“I fucked up, but what if we could have a fantastic life together? Would you turn your back on this because of today?’’
“No, but I see what one little thing did to us and how we didn’t communicate so—’’
“You want communication?’’ He cupped my face again and crouched to bring his face close to mine. He invaded my vision and nothing else existed but the warmth of his skin on my cheeks, the light in his eyes, the scruff on his face and his cologne that took over my senses. “I’ve never had a woman in my life I wanted to spend all my time with until you. You’re the only one who can touch my heart like you do and make me want more things out of life than just being successful in my job. Before you, I would have never considered resigning from a job I love for the woman I see myself building a future with. Thinking that I could spend the rest of my life without you in my bed, in my arms, with that sweet smile you only have for me… it guts me and tore away at me.’’ He pressed his forehead against mine, eyes tightly closed. “I’m scared of losing you, just because I acted stupidly and didn’t know what I should do. I didn’t know I was fucked in the head, that I had things to face, fears festering inside. I realize now that my job isn’t the requisite to a happy life. You are.’’
Tears invaded my eyes once again, clogging my throat. My hands found their way to Chance’s heaving chest.
“Megan. Please, baby. Say something.’’
“I know what I should do, but I…’’ I grabbed the lapel of his jacket. “I was letting go reservations and I trusted you.’’
“I want to beg you for another chance, but you already took one on me. I just want you, more than anything.’’
There was only one thing my heart screamed at me and as seconds passed, his screams covered the voice in my head.
“Kiss me.’’
That was all I could do because in the end, taking a chance on him was all I could ever do. He was my one love, the only man I would ever feel that kind of emotions for, so intense they left me bereft.
“I love you, so much,’’ he rasped and took my mouth, consuming me in a kiss that mended my heart and stoked the fire inside of me.
Maybe I was doomed to repeat the same mistake over and over, but as long as this man made my heart sing, I’d let him back.