Chapter Five
Lying on my bed, I stared at the ceiling, clueless as to where to go from here. I knew I should give up, stand down, but found myself unable to entertain the thought of not seeing Lizzie again.
I rolled over and buried my face in my pillow, hoping to find answers there. None came. I lifted my head to my nightstand, looking at the clock that read twelve thirty-seven. It was late in San Diego and much later in Virginia, but there was no one else who would understand. Making a quick decision, I sat up on the side of my bed, picked up my phone, and dialed. She answered on the first ring.
“Christian, what’s wrong?” Mom’s voice was raspy from sleep, but her mind was clear enough to know I would not have called her in the middle of the night if something weren’t wrong.
I uttered the first words that came to mind. “Mom, they’re here.” Silence hovered thick in the air. The miles between us were filled with an unspoken language, soundless joy and overwhelming regret.
Finally, Mom spoke when the shock wore off, and I could tell she was crying. “Tell me about my grandchild.”
I cleared my throat of some of the emotion, just enough to speak. “Her name is Lizzie.”
Mom whimpered, causing my chest to constrict further. The gathering of moisture in my eyes brought me as close to crying as I had since I’d been a small boy. My voice was full of adoration as I described to my mother our first encounter, how I’d known I was connected to the child the first time I saw her, how I’d fallen in love with her in the same moment.
My tone became alarmed as I told her of going to their house and about Elizabeth sending me away. My distress increased to near hysteria when I got to the part about going to her work.
“Mom, Elizabeth hates me.” Her assertion that afternoon had devastated me. To have injured this beautiful creature to the extent that she hated me—I couldn’t bear to think of the pain I’d caused her.
“She’s angry with you, Christian, and she has every right to be, but I can’t believe that she hates you.”
I shook my head against the phone. Mom hadn’t seen Elizabeth’s face. I knew what she had said was true.
Mom sighed. “Christian, I’m not going to lie to you to make you feel better. What you did to her was terrible . . . hurtful, and you’re going to have to realize you can’t undo almost six years of wrong in a day. You’re going to have to be patient.”
I fidgeted uncomfortably. I didn’t want to be patient. I wanted my daughter.
“Think about it. She hasn’t heard from you since the day you essentially kicked her out, and then out of the blue you show up at her house. She has to be shocked, and honestly, probably a little scared of the way you’ve been acting. She doesn’t know your intentions. If I were her, I’d probably react the same way.”
Resigned, I lay back against my bed, rubbing my eye with the heel of my hand. Mom was right. Elizabeth was probably freaking out. I’d been acting like a lunatic, showing up at her house unannounced, calling incessantly, and going to her work. I shook my head at my stupidity.
I took a deep breath and released it slowly. I could almost feel Mom relax through the phone as she realized she was getting through to me. “I know, Mom. I just want to fix this so bad. What if she won’t give me the chance?”
Mom’s voice was soft, comforting. “I know you do. But you need to take a step back . . . give her some space to breathe. She will have built her own life, one without you in it, and it’s going to take some time for her to find a place where you do fit in it.” She paused, giving me time to absorb what she was saying. When she spoke again, her voice was still sympathetic but firm. “You owe her that time, Christian.”
This was exactly why I’d called my mother. She always had a way of putting things into perspective when I couldn’t see it. “You’re right. I promise I’ll give her some time.”
My mother’s satisfaction traveled through the phone. “You’ll make this right. You’ll see.”
I couldn’t help but grin. How many times had she encouraged me to make it right? I just hoped one day Elizabeth would actually let me. I sighed.
“Thanks, Mom.”
“You’re welcome, honey. Now hang in there a bit, okay?”
“Okay,” I promised. “Sorry I called so late.”
I could hear my mother shaking her head. “Don’t apologize. I’m here for you . . . always.”
“I love you Mom.” It meant so much to me to be able to say those words to my mother, free and without hesitation.
“I love you, so much, Christian.” It meant even more for her to say them back to me. “Goodnight, sweetheart.”
“Night.”
Pacified, I placed my phone on the nightstand and curled into my pillow. I could rest with having a plan, with having some insight, some guidance. I would give Elizabeth some time to deal with my resurgence in her life, and then I would slowly try to make contact with her. Like my mom said, I owed her this.
Drifting toward sleep, I jerked, startled by a vibration on the nightstand. I grinned when I realized where the offending noise was coming from and answered the phone, eager to hear whatever advice Mom had forgotten to tell me.
“Hello?” I mumbled through my sleepy smile.
Where I anticipated hearing my mother’s voice, there was silence. “Hello?” I asked again, my stomach suddenly uneasy. I pulled the phone from my ear, checking the number I’d paid no attention to when I’d answered. My heart almost stopped.
“Elizabeth?” I pled, more terrified than excited to hear her voice, having no idea why she would suddenly be calling me well after midnight.
After what seemed like a forever, she finally spoke, her words teeming with disdain. “If you really want to see Lizzie, meet me at the McDonald’s on Fairmount and University at five thirty on Saturday.”
Relief flooded me, and I released an audible force of air from my lungs, preparing myself to thank her, but the line went dead before I was given the chance.
~
Gripping the steering wheel, I peered up through my windshield at the yellow arches and fought to bring my breathing under control. To merely say I was nervous would be an injustice. The anxiety was suffocating. I knew today would be the defining moment in my life.
Today I would meet my daughter.
I wanted nothing more, but truthfully, I was terrified. I had no idea what to expect, how to act, or how to be a father. I didn’t even know if Lizzie knew I was her father. Worse than all of those fears was the worry that this would be the one chance I would have, the one encounter with a daughter that I knew nothing of but loved with all my soul. I had no idea what had made Elizabeth change her mind, what caused her to call me in the middle of the night, but I had to hold onto the hope that she saw my sincerity, that she understood I only wanted to make things right.
I rubbed my damp palms against my jeans before stepping from the car. Elizabeth’s little red car sat empty across the lot from where I’d parked.
My heart pounded, and I tried unsuccessfully to keep my hands from trembling as I moved to the entrance. Pausing at the door, I drew a breath deep into my lungs in an attempt to calm myself before stepping inside. There were people everywhere, but my eyes were drawn across the restaurant to where Elizabeth and Lizzie stood, waiting hand-in-hand. Lizzie’s face was graced with the most amazing smile the moment she saw me. My racing nerves were soothed by her warmth and an uncontained smile spread across my face. She started bouncing in place as I made my way across the room and, if it was possible, her smile only grew. The only thing that kept me from running and sweeping Lizzie into my arms was Elizabeth. Her face was nearly expressionless, though I could see everything behind her eyes, could feel it radiating off her body.
Hate.
Elizabeth hated me.
My face fell along with the hope I had had that perhaps she was softening toward me.
I held her malignant gaze for a split second before tearing my attention from her and placing it on the reason I was there. I knelt on one knee in front of my daughter. Lizzie’s blue eyes gleamed with delight, her smile unending. My eyes wandered over her, and for the first time, I was able to fully take in my daughter.
Her black hair was pulled into pigtails on each side of her head, accentuating the roundness of her face. She wore denim shorts and a pink T-shirt with flowers and butterflies embroidered across the front. I couldn’t help but grin when I saw her small feet clad in bright pink flip-flops—her tiny toes painted pink. My baby girl liked pink. The soft skin of her arms and legs was pale and smooth. Desperately wishing to hold her, I wanted nothing more than to have her wrap her arms around my neck.
Smiling softly when I looked back at her face, I spoke for the first time to my daughter. “Hi, Lizzie.”
She giggled. “Hi.”
The sound of her laugh took my breath away.
“I’m . . .” Suddenly, I became very uneasy, unsure of how to introduce myself. Wary, I glanced up at Elizabeth, hoping for direction, an indication of how she would want me to proceed. She glared at me, almost as if she were daring me to say it.
Swallowing heavily, I opened my mouth once more, trying to force out the words, “I’m your—”
Lizzie laughed again. “I know who you are, silly. You’re my daddy.”
Daddy.
I was struck with the magnitude of what that meant, the responsibility of being a father. Waves of devotion swept through me as I silently promised her I would always be there for her, would always love her, would be the best father I could possibly be.
Nodding slowly, I reached a shaky hand out to her face, running the back of my hand along the softness of her cheek. “Yes, I’m your daddy.”
A wounded cry escaped Elizabeth, and she jerked, her body shrinking away from us while she still held onto Lizzie’s hand as if she were trying to remove herself from the situation without leaving her daughter’s side. She turned her face as far from us as possible, but not far enough to hide the stream of tears that flowed down her cheeks.
Guilt that would have brought me to my knees brought me to my feet. Stepping to her side, I tried to meet her face.
“Elizabeth.” It came out strangled and small, filled with desperation.
She put up her hand to block the obvious apology that was coming. “Just . . . don’t.”
Dropping her hand and shifting her focus from me, she looked down at Lizzie, and her hardened face melted into sudden tenderness. “Let’s get something to eat, sweetheart.”
Lizzie nodded with excitement and followed her mother, Elizabeth’s hold still firm on our daughter’s hand. I trailed by a few steps, getting in line directly behind them. While a gentleman would have volunteered to pay, I was wise enough to know the firestorm that particular offer would bring. I watched in adoration as Lizzie swayed beside her mother, glancing over her shoulder at me every few seconds and flashing me the sweetest smile I’d ever seen. I loved her—so much so it hurt, and with each second that passed, it only grew.
After ordering, Elizabeth moved aside, and I stepped to the register. Honestly, the last thing I felt like doing was eating, but I asked for first thing I saw when I glanced at the menu. I allowed Elizabeth to lead, following her and my child to fill our drinks before setting my tray on the opposite side of the table from them.
It was probably the most awkward situation I’d ever been in as I slid into the booth. I watched as Elizabeth hovered over the table. She took their food from the tray and put it on the table, jamming straws into their drinks and refusing to meet my face. The worst part was I couldn’t take my eyes off her. Very unsuccessfully, I tried not to ogle her as she leaned in, tried to ignore how the gray tank top she wore exposed just a hint of the swell of her breasts, tried to pretend her tight black jeans didn’t remind me of the perfection of her body and how it had felt against mine.
Damn it, Christian. Get yourself together. This was not why I was here. That reason suddenly climbed into the spot beside me, shocking me by choosing to sit next to me. I grinned at her and scooted down a little to make room for her. She sat on her knees so she could reach the table, and then inched even closer so we were touching. Instinctively, I wrapped my arm around her back and pulled her closer, nestling her against my side. It felt amazing. Then she kissed my cheek.
I froze, overcome with the staggering warmth created with that one simple gesture. I stared at her, unwilling to look away from the love swimming in Lizzie eyes.
“Lizzie, please eat your dinner,” Elizabeth said as she sat down across from us.
Affectionately, I patted my daughter’s side, gesturing with my head toward her food. As much as I didn’t want break the connection we’d just shared, the bond we were building, I hoped to keep from upsetting Elizabeth any more than I already had.
Eating in front of Elizabeth felt odd. We’d shared what seemed like a million meals before, but now I felt extremely self-conscious as I took small bites of my burger, feeling on edge as silence loomed over the table. Elizabeth appeared even more uncomfortable, probably because of the glances I kept sneaking at her every chance I got.
I had missed her so badly, never imagining I’d see her again. My eyes wandered over her face, taking in the changes and all that remained the same. She was thinner now, her cheekbones more prominent, but not to the point of appearing unhealthy as she did when I had seen her just weeks before she had given birth to Lizzie. Her hair was mostly the same, still dark blond and woven with natural highlights just a shade lighter than the rest, though she now wore long bangs that continually seemed to fall over her eyes. When she’d push them aside, I would glimpse a foreign scar that ran just above her left eye. My gut wrenched with the possibilities of where it had come from. I stayed away from her honey-colored eyes as much as possible, not wishing to see the repulsion I knew I would find there.
Lizzie ate her nuggets and apples quietly, almost reserved, as if she could sense the tension in the air. Hugging her body closer, I tried to pull her attention away from the sad place her mind seemed to have gone and whispered against her head, “I’m so happy to be here with you.”
She turned to me, her expression hopeful. “Really?”
I wanted to ask her why she would think I wouldn’t be, but I already knew the answer. Instead, I reassured her with a resolute nod of my head. “Really.”
With that, her insecurities seemed to fade away, and she launched into what seemed to be an impromptu game of twenty questions. She would ask me something, and after I answered, I would ask her a variation of the same question in return. It made me terribly sad that I was asking my daughter these things for the first time when she was almost five years old, but the fact remained that I didn’t know what she did on a daily basis, her favorite foods, her favorite places. I didn’t know what made her scared or made her cry. I learned today that it was seeing her mommy cry. I wanted to tell her it made me sad, too, but couldn’t find the courage to say it aloud.
Elizabeth squirmed through our conversation, never offering an opinion and only answering when Lizzie specifically asked something of her. Many times, she looked away, holding her jaw rigid, though it still shook as she seemed to struggle through every minute of the conversation Lizzie and I shared. The only time she added anything was when Lizzie asked me where I lived, and I told her down near the water on Harbor. Elizabeth huffed and visibly rolled her eyes as she mouthed a sarcastic, “Nice.” I winced, expecting her anger but not her spite.
Lizzie, on the other hand, was thrilled to hear I lived by the water. She bounced in her seat as she squealed, “You live at the beach?”
Lizzie kept up an almost constant chatter as we ate—not that I minded. She had the sweetest voice I’d ever heard. She drifted closer the longer we talked, so close she was nearly sitting in my lap by the time she finished off her last nugget. She continually smiled and constantly reached out to touch my face and hug my neck.
I felt so unworthy of the affection she gave. She loved so freely, trusted so easily. Would she feel the same when the innocence of her mind faded away, when she understood the meaning of betrayal?
“All done,” she sang as she swallowed her last bite. “Can I play now, Momma?”
Elizabeth nodded tightly. It was apparent she would prefer not to be left alone with me. I, on the other hand, had been praying I’d have a chance to talk to her in private. Lizzie started to scramble down, but she paused and looked at me. “Daddy, is it okay if I play now?”
Trying to be discrete, I glanced over to Elizabeth, sure the simple sentence would cause her great distress, before uttering softly, “Of course, sweetheart.” I understood what that sentence meant. She had accepted me, not only as her daddy, but also as her parent. Clearly, Elizabeth understood it too. Her face flashed red, burning resentment.
I watched my daughter until she disappeared into a red tube, before I slowly turned to face Elizabeth. She leaned heavily on the table, staring at a fry she absentmindedly swirled in ketchup.
“Elizabeth,” I said tentatively, hoping for once to have a civil discussion with her. She lifted her head, leveling her eyes at me. I sighed, averting my gaze as I ran my hand over the back of my neck, trying to chase away some of the tension, before I gathered enough courage to look directly at her.
“Thank you.” I needed her to know how grateful I was that she was giving me a chance, even if it didn’t seem like she really wanted to give it.
“You didn’t leave me much of a choice now, did you, Christian?” she said, her voice low and full of hostility.
I shook my head. “What are you talking about?”
“Are you joking?” she asked incredulously. “You’re really going to sit there and act like you didn’t threaten to take me to court if I didn’t allow you to see her?”
Shit. I should have known. The idle threat I’d made was the only reason I’d been allowed to see my daughter. Elizabeth hadn’t chosen to let me see Lizzie. She felt she’d been forced to.
What an ignorant asshole I continually proved to be. For one brief, self-indulgent moment, I considered not making the correction.
But while I wanted nothing more than to see Lizzie, to have a relationship with her, and to be a part of her life, there was no way I could go on with Elizabeth living in fear that one day I would try to take Lizzie away from her. If I were ever going to earn her trust back, I would have to start by being honest.
“No, Elizabeth.” I leaned into the table, speaking barely above a whisper, “I won’t do that. I was upset that you weren’t returning my calls, and . . . I . . . I just got caught up in the moment and it came out. I won’t put you through that . . . I won’t.” I made the promise as I searched her face, praying she’d believe what I said, and praying even harder she wouldn’t be angered further by the realization that she’d essentially been tricked into this meeting. When I’d threatened to bring the courts into it while I was at her work, I’d immediately wished I could take the words back. Law was what I knew, what came naturally, and it had dropped from my mouth before I could stop it. I would never want to put Elizabeth through something as harrowing as a child custody battle. I was certain we could work this out between us.
She sat up straight as she shook her head in disbelief. Oozing cynicism, she said, “You always manage to get your way, don’t you, Christian? I always knew you’d make the best lawyer. What was it you used to say? ‘Twist it until it fits?’ ”
“Elizabeth . . . ” I pleaded. Manipulating her had never been my goal, but somehow I’d managed to do it without even realizing it. I should have made it clear then, when I’d seen the look on her face, but I’d been too injured by her parting words that it had never dawned on me what had spurred them. “I’m sorry.”
“You say that a lot.”
I shifted uncomfortably, muttering as I stumbled over my remorse, “I have a lot to be sorry for.”
The hardness on her face faltered, her eyes washed in sadness, before the walls were back in place. But in that fleeting moment of vulnerability, I saw it, the light that had been Elizabeth, and it gave me hope.
Elizabeth jerked as she heard Mommy called from somewhere above. Daddy followed quickly after. I looked up to find Lizzie waving wildly from a clear plastic orb that nearly touched the high ceiling. Irrational fear gripped me when I saw her. Logically, I knew these playgrounds were made for children, designed for their safety, but I couldn’t help the chill that shot down my spine. My eyes darted to Elizabeth who waved with just as much excitement at Lizzie. I turned back, waving too, though clearly without the enthusiasm the two of them shared.
“Isn’t she a little small to be up there by herself? It seems a little . . . high.”
Elizabeth continued to wave as she spoke through her obviously forced smile, “It’s terrifying being a parent, isn’t it?” For the first time, her voice lacked its biting edge, and it felt like her assertion was more for herself than for me.
Gazing up at Lizzie, I could do nothing but agree. “Terrifying.”
In silence, Elizabeth and I continued to watch Lizzie, each of us turned to sit sideways at the end of the booth. The question had been burning in my mouth the entire time we’d been here, and I finally found myself bold enough to ask it before I no longer had the chance. “So, you and Matthew aren’t. . . ” The pregnant pause supplied the rest.
Elizabeth jerked her head toward me, clearly shocked by my question. “What? No.” Her nose wrinkled in the way it always had when she seemed genuinely confused by something. “What . . . how did you?” Her brow creased as she looked at me, puzzled.
“I just—”
She stopped me when the shock seemed to wear off. “You know what? What I do with my personal life is none of your business.” Shaking her head, she pushed her bangs aggressively from her face before turning her attention back to Lizzie.
Right. None of my business. Frustrated, I leaned on my elbows, digging them into my knees, and raked my hands over the back of my head while I stared at my shoes.
A now-familiar warmth spread through me, and I looked up, coming face-to-face with a very excited little girl. “Did you see me up there, Daddy?” She pointed proudly at the clear ball. “I was so high!”
“Yes, sweetheart, I did see you. You’re such a big girl.” I left out the part where she had nearly given me a heart attack.
Elizabeth began to clear the trash from the table, piling their empty cartons and wraps on a tray, and I knew the most important day of my life was coming to an end.
God, I didn’t want it to end.
With great reluctance, I stood and began to clean up my area.
Was this it? The last I would be allowed to see of my baby girl?
I choked on the pain elicited by that thought, my head pounding and stomach turning as every cell of my body protested.
“Come on, Daddy.” Lizzie tugged on my hand that was suddenly in hers.
Shaken into motion, I numbly followed, hating each step that brought me closer to the end. Elizabeth walked with purpose ahead of us as if she had finally found her escape. Faster than my mind could process, we were standing beside their car, my hand firmly gripping Lizzie’s. I was terrified to let it go.
Lizzie, don’t let me go.
“Daddy, are you coming to my birthday party next Saturday?” I was pulled from my inner discourse by her shocking question, it formed as if she had heard my thoughts.
I cast a sidelong glance at Elizabeth, trying to gauge her reaction. She tensed before she finally spoke, the words controlled as she tried to hide the obvious tenor of irritation in her voice. “I’m sure he already has plans, Lizzie.”
I shook my head rapidly. “No plans.” Unless she wanted to consider me sitting on the couch, flipping mindlessly through television channels, plans.
Elizabeth huffed and turned away as she seemed to war with something within herself. Finally, she turned back to us and raised her chin as she said, “Three o’clock. My house.” They were not just words. They were a warning that I heard loud and clear. Don’t mess this up.
Swept in relief, I released the heavy breath I’d been holding and promised, “I’ll be there.”
The look Elizabeth gave me told me, You’d better be.
Lizzie squealed beside me. “Yay!” Then she threw herself into my arms, catching me off guard. I lifted her almost awkwardly, never before having held a child, and then hugged her to me, holding her tight enough to feel her heart beating wildly against mine. She squeezed her arms around my neck and buried her face in my chest. I breathed in the moment, memorizing everything.
Then against my ear, she whispered, “I love you, Daddy.”
I gasped and hugged her even closer as, “I love you,” poured from my mouth. My eyes burned with emotion, so much so fast, overwhelming. Tears slipped away before I understood what was happening.
For the first time since I was a child, I was crying.
Opening my eyes to find Elizabeth staring at me, I mouthed a soundless, “Thank you.” Whether she understood it or not, she had just given me back my heart. She held my gaze for an instant before dropping her face to the ground. My heart ached as I set Lizzie back on the ground, wishing to hold her forever, but pacified in knowing I would see her soon. She climbed into the booster seat and strapped herself in. Leaning in, I pressed a soft kiss to her forehead.
“Goodbye, precious girl.”
She grinned up at me, scrunching her nose in the cutest way. “Bye, Daddy.”
Shutting the door was probably the hardest thing I’d ever done.
Elizabeth shuffled her feet in discomfort, her arms wrapped protectively around herself.
I wanted to say so much, to explain, but figured today I’d pushed my luck about as far as it would go.
“Goodbye, Elizabeth,” I said softly.
Her face contorted, twisted in agony as she chewed on her trembling lower lip. I hated that I made her feel this way. Rushed with the urge to comfort her, I reached out, sooner than I had the chance to think better of it. Wide-eyed with shock, she reeled back. My eyes grew as wide as hers did when I realized what I’d done.
Then she jumped in her car and sped away.