I somehow thought the world as I knew it would cease to exist after Peter’s epic declaration of love…but it didn’t. Of course, things have changed between us, but the changes are far subtler than I had expected.

I had already moved in with him and had never even used his guest room for anything else than dumping my stuff in. We were already sleeping together—literally and in the biblical sense, har har—so nothing changed there. I still manage to bring him out of his shell and make him laugh. And Peter already took care of me in a hundred different ways that I never even noticed, but I sure do now.

Maybe that’s the difference, that we see and recognize what we have and how special it is. There’s an understanding between us, a balance and peace that wasn’t there before. Pixie was right, in hindsight, about foreplay. All the hate and the sparks, they were the foreplay to something far deeper and bigger and infinitely more beautiful.

Okay, one thing has changed. I’m a total sap now. I do apologize to everyone I ever laughed at for being sappy when they were in love, Rebel and Troy first and foremost. God, I was an idiot…

We have one more thing to do, and both of us are nervous as fuck about it. You’d think that a couple of gay porn stars wouldn’t be daunted by anything, let alone confess something that really isn’t scandalous or anything to their closest friends. The reality is that Peter and I have discussed this ad nauseam before finally agreeing we needed to do this.

So, here goes nothing.

It’s Bear’s birthday and like we do every year, we’ve thrown him a little birthday bash with all the regular Ballsy Boys at the studio. We’ve done it in a restaurant before but ran into some issues last year when the restaurant objected to us not only being gay but being in porn as well. Ugh, some people suck.

Anyway, Rebel promised us he’d make sure the studio looked festive and as Peter and I walk in, hand in hand, I have to admit he did a great job. There are glittery streamers and balloons everywhere, and Rebel has arranged for some rental tables and chairs. A catering company has already delivered cake and set up a yummy-looking buffet that’s set up against the wall.

“Hi guys!”

Pixie launches himself at us for a group hug, and we happily accommodate him.

It’s a flurry of hugs and back slaps and greetings, which is funny because it’s like we haven’t seen each other in months when it’s only been days for most of us. Still, I count myself lucky to work with these amazing guys.

A little while later, we’re all sitting around the table, food piled high on the plates in front of us. Peter signals me with a small nod that it’s time, and I take a deep breath.

“So, guys…we have to tell you something.”

“You’re pregnant!” Campy quips, but he quiets down when he sees my serious face.

Peter reaches out and takes my hand, and the sensation of that strong hand around mine gives me the courage to say the words.

“As you know, Peter and I are together now…and first of all, we wanted to apologize to you for lying before. We were pretending to be a couple, and we’re sorry that we weren’t honest with you.”

“That’s on me,” Rebel says. He looks around the table. “I asked them to keep the ruse quiet, even to all of you…In hindsight, I should have trusted you to be able to handle the truth.”

I see a few nods, and they inspire me to continue. “But we lied about something else as well. We all know that in porn, we project a certain image. We show what we want viewers to see of us. It’s part of the job. But sometimes, we forget that that only applies to stuff we do on-camera, or on the job. We get so used to showing that image that we forget to be real with our friends.”

My throat gets unexpectedly tight, and I have to swallow. Peter squeezes my hand.

“Brewer isn’t real, but he was an image I created to be able to keep my porn life and my real life separate. I just got so caught up in him that I forgot to be Micah with you guys…if that makes sense.”

Rebel nods. “Completely. It took Troy for me to realize I was more than Rebel…”

Encouraged, I continue. “So, I wanted to introduce you all to Micah if that’s okay.”

I hear myself add the last words and cringe, stupidly aware of my insecurity, even now. That fear of rejection is so fucking deep, it keeps popping up when I don’t even realize it.

I don’t know if Peter realizes I’m struggling or that he simply wants to do this part, but he says, “Micah works as a nurse assistant in a hospital, and he’s really good at it. He’s working hard to get admitted into med school, and I have no doubt he’ll succeed.”

The pride in his voice is audible, and my heart does a flip-flop motion all over again. God, I love this man so fucking much.

“That’s so cool,” Campy says, the first to react. “No wonder you knew so much about all those weird medical things.”

Everyone chimes in, but Bear quietly studies me until he says, “Is it possible to be surprised and not be surprised at the same time? I always knew there was so much more to you than the fuckboy image you showed us, but man, this is blowing me away. I’m so proud of you.”

My eyes get all watery, and I have to hide for a little against Peter’s chest because it gets too much for me. I really am a total sap, aren’t I? When I’ve composed myself a little, I clear my throat and sit up straight again.

“I’m not the only one with secrets. Peter isn’t the same as Tank either. Where Tank is a grumpy man of few words, Peter is… Well, he’s still not talkative, and he’ll always be my grizzly bear, but he’s so much more than that. He’s super smart, actually, and only a few months away from finishing up a dual degree in architecture and civil engineering.”

This time, there are actual gasps, and Troy lets out a heartfelt, “No fucking way.”

Peter is flustered as he answers a ton of questions, but I can also see the relief and pride underneath that we’re finally able to share this.

Bear looks pensive when we’re all settled down again, back at eating and chatting. “What’s on your mind, boss-man?” I ask when there’s a lull in the conversation.

He scratches his beard. “As much as I love the fact that you guys shared this with us today, I can’t help but feel sad you felt like you had to keep this important part of yourself hidden for so long. I always thought we were close as Ballsy Boys, but maybe we’re not as close as I had figured.”

I want to jump up and contradict him, but the truth is that he’s right. Peter and I both did keep the most defining aspects of who we are hidden, and in doing so, we did not show our true selves to our friends.

“You don’t need to answer, but why did you feel like you couldn’t tell us about your other job or your studies?” Rebel asks me.

Before I can answer, Campy speaks up. “Fear of rejection. Sure, being a gay porn studio means we’re open to sexual confessions or kinks, but anything else is still a risk. There are boxes we expect each other to fit into, and when you don’t fit so easily or want to step outside of the box others created for you, it’s damn scary.”

I couldn’t have worded it better myself. “Exactly. Brewer was popular, because you all wanted to either fuck me, get fucked by me, or watch me fuck. You laughed at my sexual innuendos, my incessant flirting, my hook ups…it was what was expected of me. How was I supposed to step outside of that and show that I can be serious? I was too afraid to get laughed at.”

“So we have to do a better job of showing we truly are accepting,” Bear says slowly. “And challenge ourselves to smash the boxes we put others in.”

“Yes, we do,” Peter says. “Me included.”

“I’d love that,” Rebel says, and he shares a look with Campy I don’t quite understand.

Then Pixie stands up and without any hesitation, parks himself on Bear’s lap. Bear’s arms come around him as Pixie raises his mouth and kisses Bear softly on his mouth. “You’d do well to listen to your own advice…Daddy.”

I swear, we’re all so quiet we can hear Bear’s gasp before he blushes crimson red. We look away, wanting to afford them the privacy they really don’t have. Our little imp has his heart set on Bear it seems, and all I can think is that it’s a match made in heaven.

The rest of the evening is lighter, even though it’s more serious than we usually were. Something has changed, I think, and we all sense it. But it feels like a good change, a necessary change. I don’t know what secrets Campy and Heart are hiding or what Pixie’s and Bear’s story is, but maybe they’ll have more courage now to be themselves.

I hold on tight to Peter as we drive home on his motorcycle. How I love feeling that big body in front of mine. I never realized how much I needed someone to truly see me, to take care of me, until I met him. He’s the single reason why I can be myself now.

He looks at me inquisitively as we walk inside his apartment. Our apartment.

“You okay?” he asks, as he takes off his leather jacket and then helps me out of the one he bought for me, ‘cause he didn’t want me to ride with him all the time without protective gear.

“Better than ever,” I say. I cup both his cheeks, his beard soft against my hands. “I love you,” I say with uncharacteristic seriousness.

He seems to sense my mood and merely smiles softly as he answers. “I love you, too. Let’s go to bed so I can show you how much.”

My eyes lit up. “Can I top you?”

“Anytime, fuckboy. Anytime.”