Thirteen days, eight hours, twelve minutes, and probably about twenty seven seconds.
That's how long my life has been in the depths of hell. Because that's how long it's been since I walked out on the only girl I've ever loved and more than likely ever will love with my entire heart. That's how long since I went numb.
I didn't fucking do it because I was mad about her keeping things from me. I didn't even do it because of the pills, because honestly that shit I can get past. I fucking did it because she couldn't, for once in her life, stand up for us. For me. For her.
She chose happiness. Unfortunately, her happiness isn't in the form of a thirty year old, awesome as hell tattoo artist. And now she's standing in my fucking tattoo shop, begging me for a fucking tattoo that proves she's part of the family that put the wedge between us!
Fuck. No.
I cross the street and watch the front door to the shop, downing three shots of whiskey while I wait to numb the pain, but it doesn't help. Seeing her today just solidified that I'll never be okay without her, but we can't be together and I'm not at the stage of being able to be her friend.
When she finally fucking emerges, I want to run out and beg her to take me back but I don't. Because I can't put my heart through that again. And a girl doesn't change for a guy. Especially someone in her shoes. When she's gone, I storm across the street and push the front door open, thankful I pulled the fucking bells off. I couldn't fucking stand those things anyway.
“We're closing early tonight,” I growl at Tommy who's sitting at the front counter with his eyebrows perched on the top of his mother fucking forehead. “Don't talk to me.”
I storm back to my room, pissed that I can still fucking smell her in the air. I just need her out of my head. I need to get past it. But I don't think that's a possibility. Not since those green eyes hit mine for the first time months ago.
“She was here to talk to you, dim-wit,” he says, obviously ignoring my comment earlier.
“She was here for a fucking Kenshaw tattoo. They fucking brainwashed her, apparently. Gotta join the cool kid club,” I say sarcastically.
“She wanted the tattoo, yeah. But she came here specifically to talk to you, Chase.”
I look up at him and narrow my eyes. “Are you done?” Because the longer we stand here and talk about her, the more my heart shatters into tiny pieces of dust. There's not much more it can take before there's nothing left of it.
“Yep.” He knocks on the doorframe. “Heading home,” he mutters, shaking his head, calling me a name under his breath as he walks away.
I'm sure they're all getting tired of this mood of mine, but they won't need to deal with it much longer. As soon as my ducks are in their rows I'm flying out of this fucking place and never coming back. There's nothing for me here. I fucking knew that coming back.
By midnight I'm lying in my uncomfortable as fuck bed, staring at the gross as fuck ceiling, in this tiny as fuck apartment, just wanting to fuck shit up. I glance at my phone and shake my head at the background. A picture of her that I snapped when she was sleeping in my bed a few weeks back. The sun was shining in just perfectly and she was twisted in my blankets...pure fucking beauty. I can't take it off my phone screen. Not yet. It's torture, but it's the best type.
I hit call when I get to my sister's number and she answers almost immediately.
“What's going on, Chase?” She sounds worried, and probably because my texts went from “I love the girl of my dreams and we're going to make you an aunt one day” to “My life is fucked, I'm moving to Florida,” overnight.
“I found a place in Florida,” I mutter, stretching out on my bed and pushing the blankets away from me. It's cold as hell in here, but the cold at least reminds me I'm alive.
“Oh,” she says then the line goes silent.
“Fi?”
“Yeah. I'm here.” She clears her throat. “Chase, I told you to move back here. You can live with us until you get back in the game. Vegas is perfect for your talent and I don't know why you left in the first place.”
I never told my sister the full truth. I didn't want her to worry.
“Fiona, I'm not moving back to Vegas. That guy? He's...he's not me anymore. I want a quiet place by the beach. I don't want to worry about the hookups and meaningless relationships that Vegas was filled with.”
“You're just moving farther from me,” she whispers and I sigh. They say twins are inseparable, but we've made good our entire lives proving everyone wrong.
“I'll visit eventually,” I grumble, rubbing my face.
“That'd be nice.” I can hear the smile in her voice and I feel better about life.
We manage to talk for another hour. I hear my phone buzz a few times but roll my eyes, already knowing who it is.
Kaydence. The reason my life is done for. She's called a few times over the last few days but I've ignored each one and the dozens of texts. I stopped reading them and I'm about to block the number. I can't take the constant reminder of what I can't have. She may want to be friends. I could absolutely see her as the type of person who still wants to be friends with her ex boyfriends, but I can't. I can't see her and be happy. Not when she's moved on with her life.
Time passes by in a haze of work and sleep and the days over the next week all fog together like the previous few weeks. Life anymore is one massive fucking blur, and I really don't care. The milk in my fridge smells like death so I've resorted to eating every meal at the bar or letting one of the boys bring me food if I get angry enough. Honestly though, I haven't had much of an appetite. I'm just...done. Pathetic.
It's Friday night and I'm sitting at the bar, watching the fucking drunks be stupid and annoying and I've never felt so annoyed with this place. I finally came back to work when Willie told me it was that or stop working. I'm not sure why I just didn't tell him to fuck off. Knowing I'm leaving soon, that would have been the smarter move.
Sarah is here. I fucking hate Sarah. She's on the list of girls I never want to see again. Ever. If I didn't like boobs so much, and despise dicks, I'd consider being gay. Every girl I look at reminds me of Kaydence. Every girl I talk to reminds me how she was always so nice and most other girls are mean, nasty creatures. Like Sarah. Who just ordered another drink and asked for a quickie in the back.
I think I flushed my sex drive down the toilet with Kaydence's precious pills.
“Here ya go,” I say to her, shoving her seventh beer across the bar and ignoring her question. I try to smile back at the girl, but she's caused so much shit lately I just wish she were gone from this town.
Whatever. I'll be gone soon enough.
The bells jangle on the door and I squeeze my eyes closed. This whole thing started with me being addicted to hearing those bells jingle when Kaydence would come into the bar so much. It's like I'm fucking Pavlov's dog. But now I despise that mother fucking noise.
I try to stop myself from glancing at the door, but I can't. I'm not expecting to see her, as much as I wish it were her walking through that door. I was pretty nasty to her the last couple times we've seen each other, but for fucking good reasons.
My eyes hit the redhead that's just walked in through the door and all the blood rushes from my face.
Fuck.
“That bitch still lives here? I thought you dumped her and she packed her bags,” Sarah snickers, spilling beer down her chest when she tries to take a drink.
“Shut up or get out,” I mutter, unable to take my eyes off Kaydence. I feel like she enjoys ripping my soul to pieces. She broke my heart, shattered it, and now she's walking in here looking like that, with her tits practically out for everyone to see and the tightest fucking black leather pants. Who the fuck is this girl? ”What can I get you?” I have to push out the manners even though I just want to try my hardest to ignore her tonight.
“The chance to talk?”
Her words sear through me. When Tommy told me that's what she wanted to do last week, I didn't really believe him. She was adamant about that fucking tattoo. She didn't want to talk. I figured it was just him trying to cheer me up because I've been short fused ever since that night. I didn't, for once, think he was telling me the truth. As much as I wanted to believe it.
“I'm working,” I say, closing my eyes and taking a deep breath.
I don't want to be angry anymore. I want my girl back. But she didn't care when I walked out that door. And I can't do that to my heart again.
“Well, it's a bar, and a free country.” She pulls a stool out and sits. “I'll have a shot of whiskey and a Blue Moon. You work, I'll talk.”
I huff, moving through the motions to get her the drinks she ordered. Because it's my fucking job. I slide it in front of her. “Seven even,” I say, holding my hand out.
“I'll open a tab.” She hands me her credit card. “I'm going to be here awhile.”
Great.
I give her a curt nod and head to the register, then make it a point to check on every other single person in this tiny ass bar. I refuse to let her crush me even more tonight. I miss her more than I ever thought possible. And I hate myself for doing what I did, but it had to be done. I had to prove the point she won't fight for shit, and I think I proved it pretty well.
“He doesn't want to talk to you,” Sarah says. “You're old news and he's moved on.”
I hear her from across the bar and glance over at the two of them, waiting for Kaydence to retreat to her usual self.
“Moved on to who? You?” Kaydence lets out a bitchy laugh I've never heard from the girl.
“Maybe.” Sarah slides off her stool and approaches her and I wait for it. For Kaydence to run away.
“Not likely.” Kaydence stands and steps up to her. “He wouldn't downgrade. And he's not really ever going to upgrade. Sit down before this goes somewhere it doesn't have to, Sarah.”
Holy shit.
Sarah lets out a stupid, drunk laugh and Kaydence shakes her head, sitting back on her stool. She...she found her backbone apparently. In that moment at least.
“How's the Blue Moon treatin' ya?” I ask, curious now as to who this girl is and what she did with Kaydence.
“Good, thanks.” She smiles that usual Kaydence smile at me, the one I used to not be able to resist. Hell, even after weeks of hating life, it's still really fucking hard to resist. “I think I need another shot though.” She pushes her empty shot glass forward. “Might be a long night,” mutters from her lips with a sigh as she looks at Sarah who's hissing with her friends.
I can't help but chuckle a little as I grab her glass and pour another shot.
“Bar's not really a good place to be if you can't take the drunks.” I glance at Sarah then back to Kaydence. “Or to talk.”
“Well at this rate, it's my only option. You don't ever answer your phone. When I showed up at the tattoo parlor, you insulted my family name. There are only two places I know where to find you, Chase. Here or across the street. So here I'll sit until you're off work.”
I nod at her. Is she finally fighting for something? What, I'm not sure yet. And I'm not sure if I even want to find out.
“You came in for drinks. I can do drinks.” I slide another beer across the bar to her. “One of the last nights you'll find me here. Guess you got lucky.”
Her brows furrow and she stares at the beer a minute. “I heard that.” She grabs the shot then covers her mouth to hide the burn. “You can also talk, Chase. So I'll pay for the shots, or whatever it takes for you to talk to me before you leave this town.”
I cross my arms in front of me. She's killing me right now and she doesn't even know it. I don't want to fucking leave. I wanted to be with her. Here. In this shit little town. But all I got was a big load of bullshit. And now she probably just wants to make sure I'm not mad. So she doesn't have to feel guilty for actually making someone feel something. Fuck.
“I'm behind this bar all night, Kaydence. I can't stop you from talking.”
“I can,” Sarah's voice comes from my left and as I look over, she swipes Kaydence's beer into her lap.
I reach for the glass, but it's already spilled and Kaydence jumps up with a gasp. Sarah and her friends laugh while Kaydence brushes off the leather.
“You should go home, little girl. Go get cleaned up.” Sarah waves her away and turns back to her friends.
Kaydence looks at me and the look on her face makes me grin. That's a look I never thought I'd see on her, and it's hot as hell. She's only surprised me about three times with a different expression or tone, but I hope this one sticks when it's warranted.
“Chase,” Kaydence says. “I'm sorry.” I roll my eyes and wave my hand, expecting her to walk out but she yanks Sarah's shoulder and when Sarah turns, Kaydence's fist cracks across her jaw.
I hear the pop and jump back with a wince on my face, but Kaydence jumps on her then Sarah's friends jump in. And if I'm not mistaken, the sheriff came in an hour ago. I rush to the other side of the bar, trying to pull them apart but it's a pile of screams, fists, hair, and Kaydence isn't letting up. I'm finally able to shove Sarah away long enough to grip Kaydence and pull her back, another patron holding on to Sarah, but the damage is done and the sheriff is already standing next to us, shaking his head.
“I can say in all my years, Chase, I've never seen girls go at it like that over you.” He laughs, stretching. “You four are all comin' to the station.”
Kaydence pulls from my grip and my eyes go wide at the thought of her in jail. I can't even protest on her behalf, because she fuckin' threw the first hit!
Kaydence spits a mouthful of blood at Sarah and the sheriff shoves her back. “Alright, get outta here. Let's go.” He grabs her arms and pulls them behind her back.
“I really wanted to talk,” Kaydence says to me, her eyes locked on mine and I expect to see fear she's being arrested right now, but there is none.
It's not happiness either, it looks like a genuine apology she just got herself arrested before she could talk.
“Yeah, I'm starting to get that.”
The sheriff pulls her outside and I watch the door close behind them. Moments later, as I'm still standing here staring at that door wondering what the fuck just happened, Tommy walks into the bar.
“Holy fuck, dude! Kaydence is out there in hot fucking leather pants getting arrested!”
“Yep.” I walk around the bar after picking up the chairs that the girls took down in their brawl.
I stop and stare blankly at the seat Kaydence was just in and try to figure out what just happened, but I can't. I hate it too, because that's not Kaydence, but I loved it. I loved watching her stand up for herself. It's what I was wishing for all along.
The bar closed at one and I've been here ever since. Sitting on this cold ass metal bench just outside the fucking police station, waiting for them to let her out. She's going to need a ride home. And I need to talk to her. I need to know she's okay. I need to hear her out, because I do love her. Love just doesn't stop, especially the type of love I have for her. It just hurts. I don't like hurting. Because that kind of hurt makes me angry.
The door pushes open and she winces at the sunlight.
“Hey,” I blurt, standing and grabbing the door as she walks outside.
“What're you doing here?” she asks in confusion.
“You need a ride,” I say, nodding toward my truck.
“Well, it beats walking in these heels.” She heads for my truck.
“You were gonna walk home?” I laugh. “Hell, Kay, that'd take you all day! That's clear on the other side of town.”
“I don't really have an option. I didn't call my brother. I'm fully capable of walking. But I'm glad you're here.” She smiles at me.
“Are you?” I smirk when she rolls her eyes. Even a night locked up after a bar brawl and the girl is still the most beautiful creature I've ever laid eyes on, and it hurts. It fucking hurts. But I'm going to try. “I wouldn't have left you hanging, Kaydence,” I finally say, then unlock the truck and find it really fucking hard to tear my eyes from her ass in those pants as she pulls herself into my truck.
I take a few deep breaths before walking to my side and getting in. I don't want to be mad anymore. But I'm not okay being just friends with this girl and that's what she apparently wants.
“You've left me hanging for the past two and a half weeks, Chase. I didn't really think you'd come pick me up from the police station.”
“Kay, I couldn't keep giving my heart to a girl who didn't feel the same. When you didn't come after me that night...I mean that pretty much sealed it, wouldn't you say?” I raise an eyebrow at her and start the truck. “So. Food?”
“It's six in the morning. Are you cooking?” She giggles and I groan inwardly. God, I fucking love that sound.
“Uh...no.” I rub the back of my neck. “I don't have any food at my place,” I mutter. “I'll take us to the pancake house if that's okay.”
“Yeah,” she breathes and leans her head back, closing her eyes.
“You get any sleep in there? Those benches still hard as fuck?” I chuckle because I've spent a few nights in those tiny fucking bare bones cells.
“Didn't sit much. I was with Sarah and two other drunks from town. One kept peeing on himself, and me and Sarah stayed in opposite corners. It was a long night, Chase. It's been a long few weeks.”
“Tell me about it.” I huff and grit my teeth. I don't want to fight with her. Hell, I'm still not sure if I should be here with her, but I am because I want to. “Here we are,” I mutter, pulling into the almost bare parking lot. “I think they're open...” I glance around, trying to see the sign but there's nothing saying their hours.
She pushes her door open and slides out of the truck, braiding her hair over her shoulder. “I'd say I need coffee, but I think I need sleep,” she mumbles, headed for the door.
“I can take you home,” I blurt.
This morning already feels like it's not going to go like I had hoped. She's a damn walking zombie and I really hope it's just the lack of sleep making her this way.
“Oh no.” She chuckles, gesturing me to an open booth. “I've been trying like hell to talk to you, we're talking before you leave town.” She slides into the booth, her easy mention of me leaving hurts. Not because I'm leaving, but because she's showing no emotion to it all. She doesn't fucking care. Maybe she hasn't changed any.
“Coffee for both of us, please,” I tell the waitress when she comes by for our drink order. Kaydence smiles that perfected smile of hers and glances down at the menu. “I know what I'm getting, so when you're ready we can order.” My hands are fucking jittery so I slide them under the table so she can't see how this is affecting me.
“I know what I want.” She smiles over at me and I can't help but smile back.
“Yeah? One of everything on the menu?”
She hums and her eyes drift down to the menu, that smile sitting tight. “I don't want you to leave, Chase.” Her tone is loud, confident, and like she doesn't give a shit if the three waitresses in this empty diner hears us.
“You're probably the only one here that doesn't,” I mutter, immediately kicking myself for that reply.
She's finally giving me something and I'm just smashing it because I'm hurt.
“Well...I'm the only one that matters.” She holds her head high.
I nod. I want to spit back that she doesn't get to say things like that. I want to scream at her for all these mixed signals. It's like she enjoys fucking with my heart. Like it's fucking fun. I lock eyes with her and the flutter in the pit of my stomach that happened that very first time I ever looked into those green eyes starts up but this time I don't tamp it down.
“You were,” I whisper and she sighs.
“I want to matter again, Chase.” The waitress walks up with our coffee and Kaydence sits back. “Thank you. I'm going to have the blueberry pancakes, extra bacon, no eggs.”
“I'll have the loaded hash browns,” I say, then hand her the menu and grab the cream for my coffee, unable to look at Kaydence because if I get lost in those eyes again I'll lose all control.
“Chase,” Kaydence says when the waitress walks away. “Look at me.”
Goddammit.
I move my eyes to hers and shake my head. “Kay, I've never been ruined so bad before,” I utter. “I can't go through that again. I won't do that to myself.”
“I was seven when my dad killed himself. He was a good dad, but always tired. We didn't have family vacations, or even much family time because he was tired so often. My sister told me he was sick and I just assumed sick like my first grade best friend's dad. He had cancer, so I just assumed so did my dad. My mom took us to visit Uncle Garrison for a long weekend and we came home to my dad dead on the couch. He died of cancer. At least that's what I thought until Andrea explained it to me when I was ten. He overdosed on pills. He killed himself. My sister only got worse with her weird moods after he died. It took a while for me to realize it wasn't a weird mood, it was sadness and that's why my mom made us take medicine everyday. It was to fix the sadness. Finally I realized it wasn't sadness, it was depression and it tore my sister apart. It just...ruined her.” Her eyes stay focused on the table and the look on her face is like she's telling a horror story. “It was bad. She was bad, in a bad place and I went to bed every night scared to death we'd find Andrea like we did my dad. Then I started panicking I would do what my dad did, and I would go...go...crazy! She was going crazy from the depression. I was so scared that'd be me.” Sighing, she closes her eyes. “I lived in fear and bottled up sadness for years because I didn't want to end up like my dad and I didn't want to go through the hell my sister did. My mom said the medication would save me and I believed her because the doctor said it was true, or so I thought. She never got a clinical diagnosis for me and Tyler approving the depression pills. She just self-medicated us. I was gullible, I was scared, I still am.” Her eyes dart to mine. “But I'd rather admit to being afraid of losing you than actually lose you for good. So here I am. I love you, Chase, and I'll fight as hard as I have to because happiness is a choice and I choose you. And the reasons for our breakup were because...because I needed help.” With a meek smile, she shrugs. “Save me.”
I'm trapped in her gaze, but I blink a few times. I try to stop the pain from radiating through me, but all there is is hurt for this beautifully broken girl in front of me. Hurt. Love. Pain. Sadness. That's the most she's ever opened up to me. I fucking begged her to weeks ago and she wouldn't. But now that I know, I understand everything a hundred times over. Everything makes sense.
“The tattoo,” I whisper, looking at her with a knot in my throat. “I didn't want to press about it. Maybe I should have.” The waitress brings us our food and I stare down at my plate. “You know my dad left us when I was in third grade? No reason other than he was done. My mom said he bottled too much up. Held too much inside. He always was happy. Had time for everyone. Never had a bad thing to say about anyone...” I shrug. “Everyone's got their demons, Kay. You can't let them define you.”
“They don't. I like being happy, but I hate pretending like I feel nothing but happiness. I hate it, and I hate I've been doing it for years. I have more feelings than happiness.” She chuckles and starts pouring syrup over her pancakes. “And I'm not going to bottle them anymore, but I really am a happy person, and if you can't...if you don't like that about me...well, I can't change that.”
“That's the problem,” I say. “There's nothing about you that I didn't love. I loved the happiness. I loved the positivity.” I let out a frustrated sigh, the elephant in the room growing too big to ignore anymore. “The pills?” I finally whisper, not having touched my food yet.
“I'm done with the pills. I don't need them. At least not that I realize yet.” She smirks. “I was taking those pills for eighteen years. They were...me. They were what was protecting me from ending up like my dad and sister. They were a lie and I just need...” She looks from my food to my face. “You. I want you.”
“You had me, Kaydence.” I shake my head and shove a bite in my mouth, almost gagging because food is the last thing my body wants. She's turned me into a fucking pussy! “I need you to love yourself the way you should. Not because of anyone else, or anything else. And I need you not to rely on someone else or something else for your own happiness.” Fuck me I sound like a goddamned Hallmark card.
Her eyes narrow at me and she takes a bite of her pancakes. “I'm making a choice. The pills weren't a choice. The pills were a need. At least that's what I thought. You're a choice. I choose you over the pills.”
I close my eyes and grit my teeth. She didn't fucking choose me over the pills. She realized the pills were gone, went through withdrawals, and then decided she missed me. Fuck!
“Yeah,” I mutter. “Well I'm glad you're done with those things. I'm happy you realized you didn't need them.” I toss my fork on the table and finish my coffee in one gulp. “When you're finished eating I can get you home. I'm sure you want a shower and a good eight hours of sleep.”
Her fingers curl around her fork and she looks like she wants to stab me with it. “I want you to listen to me. Tell me our relationship wasn't real, that it wasn't all I made it out to be and I'll leave you the hell alone. Tell me you don't still love me, Chase. Because I know you wouldn't be sitting here with me right now if you didn't. I'm not here as a friend. I'm here fighting and until you tell me, I won't stop. Take me home.” She stands. “I'll give you the time you need. I had to fix myself before I could fix us.”
I stand and look her in the eyes. The urge to bring my fingers to her chin is strong but I fight back. She had time to fix herself. To fix her life. All I've done in the past few weeks is ruin mine. Being this close to her, after what feels like an entire lifetime away... God, it feels good.
“Did you call Jo letting her know you won't be in today?” I'm trying to make small talk on the drive back to her place but it feels weird. Wrong. Like the only thing we should be talking about is us but I don't know what to say.
“No, I'll still be there. First client isn't until noon. I have time to shower.” She yawns, covering her mouth.
“You need sleep, Kaydence.” I furrow my brows. “My guess is she's already got wind of your night last night. I'm sure she'll understand.”
“I've missed more work than I care to admit the last couple of weeks. And you need not worry about me at all until you're ready to worry about me completely again.” She glances at me and my eyebrows shoot up. All I can do is nod. I do fucking care about her. I never stopped caring about her, that's the goddamned problem.
“Okay,” I mutter, gripping the steering wheel tighter. I don't want to fight with her. But I need some time to think about this.
“Thank you for being there. And for driving me home.” She touches my arm as I pull up to the ranch. “Maybe I'll text you later?”
“Maybe I'll respond this time.” I wink at her and glance down to where her hand is still on my skin. “Try to get some rest before work, okay?”
She leans over and kisses my cheek before hopping out. “Bye, Chase.”
The front door closes behind her and I yank my phone out of my pocket, removing the block from her number. I should just get the fuck out of this truck and go in there. But I don't. I put the truck in drive and pull away from her house. Jo's on the front porch of their house as I drive by but I don't stop. I need to get home to think about everything. Kaydence ruined me. And now she's walking back in expecting me to forget about the last few weeks.
And I don't know if I can do that.
By the next day, I haven't heard from her and I'm starting to become addicted to my phone, and I need to cut that shit out. I'm a grown man who's acting like a fucking dumbass teenager, but I miss the morning texts with her. I miss the funny memes. I miss random selfies, even of the fucking horses. I miss fucking everything about her.
I groan, pulling up the house I have an offer on in Florida, and stare at the screen. Mother fucking Florida. Far enough away from this place to never be reminded of the hurt. There's an email waiting from my real estate agent saying they declined my first offer and he's waiting to see if I want to counter.
Do I?
My phone dings as I sit here, staring at the screen. The house is beautiful. Huge. Open. New. And affordable. It'd be a huge upgrade from what I'm in right now. Plus, there's a shop already asking for me to come work for them. Closing out the screen, a smile pulls at my lips when I see the ding was because Kaydence text me.
Kaydence: Because I can't and don't want to get my brother's opinion, red or green?
There's a picture of a holiday bra and panty set on my screen. Only thing that would make this better is if she were in them. I think she's trying to end me. That's all this is. It's one big fucking tease.
Chase: Both.
My smile goes wider when I see those dancing dots at the bottom of our messages. I've never anticipated a text so much in my life.
Kaydence: I can only afford one. Green goes better with my hair?
Chase: Green then. To match your eyes. Why are you shopping? Shouldn't you be working?
I glance at the clock and it's already afternoon. I should get down and open the shop up. But I really don't have it in me today. There's no appointments I know about so I pull the app up on my phone and make sure no one's booked through the godforsaken online scheduling.
Kaydence: I don't work on Sundays anymore. Busy? Want to have a mall date?
I smirk.
Chase: That sounds like torture.
Kaydence: Spending time with me never tortured you before
The eye roll emoji after her sentence makes me smirk. That emoji probably has never been used in her phone before.
Chase: Shopping for sexy panties with you? Torture. The best kind.
I send a winking face along with it and run my hands down my face. What the hell am I doing?
Kaydence: If I had a reliable shopping partner, I could have put them on and gotten his opinion on the spot. I have a few more stores to hit... The offer still stands. And I'll buy you a pretzel!
Chase: You know my weakness. I'll be there as soon as I can.
I shower and pull on a clean outfit. The entire drive, I'm at war in my head. Because I want her. Bad. But...I don't fucking know anymore. I realize halfway there that I never replied to my agent on the house and he needed an answer by three today. Which means I'm probably going to lose the grip I had on the beach house. And I'm not sure that even matters anymore.
I get to the mall and shoot her a text.
Chase: Are you finished shopping yet? Traffic sucked.
Kaydence: In the food court by the Chinese Panda
Chase: That's racist.
Kaydence: It's the Chinese restaurant!
The six laughing emojis after make me chuckle.
Chase: I'll be there soon. I'm parked by the fat kid.
Kaydence: That's rude!
Chase: #harshtruths
I walk through the mall, past the restaurant I parked by and chuckle at the massive statue of the kid that's apparently their mascot. When I make it to the food court I slow my steps when I see her. She's got a grin on her face, her hair in a messy bun, and she's furiously typing something out on her phone. When my phone dings I smirk, glancing down at it.
Kaydence: Hurry there's a mom feeding her kid like a baby bird. You've got to see this!
I bark out a laugh and her head swings up and when she sees me a huge smile breaks out on her face, then she nods at the table to the left of her. She's not fucking joking. Now all I want to do is get a video of it. I could be a fucking Internet star for getting this shit on camera. I walk over to Kaydence and want to lean in and press my lips to hers, but I don't. Because that's not my place anymore. I push away the thought, because at this rate it's my sole fault it's not my place.
“Hey,” I say, shoving my hands in my pockets nervously. “Been here long?”
“Yes, but watch, watch!” she whispers in excitement and grabs my arm before looking at the kid who's gagging on his mom's chewed up food. Kaydence throws her head back in laughter and wipes at the tears in her eyes. “That poor boy.”
“I think I'm going to throw up if you make me watch that again,” I whisper in her ear. Fuck she smells good.
“Let me chew up your food, Chase.” She grabs a pretzel bite and puts it in her mouth before grabbing my shoulders. I dodge my head as she's laughing, trying to come at my face chewing this pretzel but she grips my head and holds me still. She doesn't spit it into my mouth though, just a soft kiss before she pulls away. “Thanks for coming. You hungry?”
Am I hungry? The girl of my dreams, that smashed those dreams a few weeks ago and didn't fucking fight for me is a new goddamned person apparently and just kissed me in the middle of the mall. Right before I go lingerie shopping with her.
Sure. Yeah. No fuckin' issues here.
“Mhmm,” I mumble, unable to stop looking into those green beauties. “Whatever you want,” I manage.
“I was snacking on pretzel bites but they're hard.” She grins at me. “Want the Panda?” She points before looking around.
“Sounds good.” I think I'd say yes to whatever this girl wants today.
God, I fucking missed being with her.
With an excited hop, she moves in front of me, walking backward and grabbing my hand. “I'm getting a new horse!”
“You are?” I blurt. “Why? For what? Who's buying it?” I don't know why I'm suddenly Mr. Twenty Questions, but the excitement on her face is beautiful and I want to keep it there.
“Uncle Garrison, but I'm making payments on her with Ty's help. Surge is too unpredictable. And Addict is getting too ornery. There's Empress but I need one I can train from a pony and none of the horses on the ranch can mate. So he's headed out of state today to go pick her up. She's perfect.” She grins and I have to let go of her hand to keep her from bumping into someone as we get in line. “Sorry,” she giggles to the man that smiles at her.
“Do you get to name her?” I rest my hand on her lower back when we get in line.
“No. Tyler does because he's helping me pay for her. He's naming her Tantrum because he says I threw a fit until Uncle Garrison offered to pay.” With a smile my way, she assures, “I didn't. I'm not good at naming horses anyway. I named my pony Tea Cup when I was a little girl. She was as big as our car.” She laughs happily.
“Probably for the best then.” I let out a laugh and we make our way through the line. When we get to the end, I pull out my card and shove it at the cashier before Kaydence has a chance to pay for her food.
“Thank you.” She quickly hugs me before grabbing our tray. “Did you know the Latin word for tattoo is stigma?”
She's bouncy. And talkative. And acting like nothing ever happened between us. It's throwing me off. As much as I want things to go back to what we used to be, I don't know if they can and that harsh truth guts me.
“I did not know that.” I grin over at her.
“Kinda cool. Here good?” she asks, setting the tray down.
“Perfect.” I slide into a chair and stare at my food for a moment. “I'm happy you got me out of the house today.” I blurt the words and she smiles across the table at me. “Seriously. Thank you. This is...fun.”
She barks out a laugh. “You don't have to pretend being at the mall with me on a Sunday is fun, but I'm happy you came. Tyler originally came with me, he's shopping for some girl but wouldn't give me much detail.” She cocks her eyebrow. “But I told him he could leave when you said you'd come. Thank God you showed up. I'd be stranded here.”
“I wouldn't have left you hangin', doll.” She pauses mid-bite and her eyes hit mine briefly. I lift my fork and shove a bite of food in my mouth, smiling wide at her. “Why are you looking at me like that?”
“Nothing. No reason” She grins. “I like your shirt. Is it new?”
I glance down at it. “Oh, yeah.” I nod. “Bought it for the meeting with the realtors in town the other day. I didn't have anything nice to wear. Working in a bar will do that to ya.” I chuckle, taking another bite of food.
“Your clothes are nice,” she mutters, watching her food while she eats. “So how'd that go with the realtors? You're buying property...somewhere?” She glances at me, the usual smile she'd have set is nowhere to be found.
“I was meeting with them to sell, Kay,” I whisper. “I can't afford property here and in Florida.” I give my head a small shake, because just talking about this with her hurts. I feel so fucking guilty, but I shouldn't. She didn't want me. And I couldn't live in the same small as fuck town with her.
“You're really going?” The plastic fork she's eating with snaps and I dart my eyes to her food when she gasps. “Oh my god, they're flimsy.” She pulls it out of her noodles and looks at me again. “What's in Florida?”
“Beaches.” Not you. Which a week ago that was the most desirable thing about leaving.
She smiles and lifts her eyebrows. “If I build you a beach here, would you be more apt to stay?”
My chest aches. This girl can make me physically fucking ache.
“The house deal fell through,” I mutter, watching the sadness on her face start to wash away. “And the realtors here in town seemed kind of stupid. They didn't want to get me what I wanted for the shop building.” I grab my drink and try not to grin as a smile spreads on her face. I'm waiting on that signature phrase to come out of her, but it never does.
“Well...that's a sign.” She stands and leans over, throwing her plate into the trash. “There was plastic in it.”
I push my tray to the middle of the table. “Share? I can feed you. But I refuse to feed you like a baby bird.”
“Only if you feed me like a baby bird!” She jumps up and pushes herself into my lap. “Come on.” She opens her mouth while her arms wrap around my neck. “Feed me.” She's laughing and nipping at my lips and chin, almost falling out of my lap. My hands grip her thighs and my dick is straining in these fucking jeans.
“We've got an audience,” I whisper, my lips so close to hers and all I want to do is devour her. Fuck, I miss her. I miss this.
“The other baby birds have to wait.” She grins, staring into my eyes and her fingers slide through my hair. “I'm not hungry. Finish eating and we'll shop.”
The second she's off my lap, I clear my throat and adjust my jeans. I'm not hungry after that either. Not for food, at least.
“I'm good.” I stand and throw my food away then hold my hand out to her. “Let the torture commence.”
“It's not torture.” She grabs my hand and pushes against my side as we make our way through the food court. “I'll buy you something, but you have to do a fashion show, and it's my choice.”
“I don't know about that.” I laugh, running my free hand through my hair. “I think I've got enough clothes. I'm perfectly fine with you modeling your...things today.”
“But I saw the cutest reindeer thing.” She starts to giggle and pulls me toward a store. She guides me all the way to the back then holds up a man thong reindeer thing and the nose is...no.
“No fucking way,” I blurt, laughing. “No. Not happening.” I hold it up to inspect it. “Kay, my dick wouldn't fit in that tiny thing!” I boast, barking out a laugh.
She's in a fit of giggles, holding my sides. “Just try it on! Please! It's stretchy!” She starts pulling at the fabric and I stare in horror.
“There's no dressing room here.” I shove it back on the rack and roll my eyes.
“I'll buy it, it's only five dollars. And you can try it on for me later.” When she reaches for the monstrosity, I grab her hand, pulling her out of the store. “Fine, but I did see something really cute for you.” She yanks me into a store and the minute I pull my eyes from her ass in those jeans and look around, I cringe.
“Kaydence, there's literally nothing in this store I'd ever spend money on.” The cowboy hats, all decked out with Christmas decorations and the gross, twangy country music they're playing is already starting to give me a headache.
“You're not spending money on it. I am.” She grabs a black hat, nothing gaudy or tacky about it then puts it on my head. “I don't want that face getting sunburned, and the ranch doesn't have much shade. It's perfect. You look like my handsome cowboy.” She smiles and pulls it off my head, walking to the counter.
“You don't have to do this.” I try to stop her. “It's not like I'm at the ranch. Ever. Or ever will be. This is like me buying you a kickass Disposable Ink shirt, showing off those tits and expecting you to wear it every time you hang out there. Because you don't hang out at my work. And I don't hang out at your work.” I don't want to come out and say I'm never fucking going to that fucking place again, and if I do it won't end well. Kaydence may have changed...but I'm sure as shit that Brandt hasn't.
“Do you want me to hang out at your work?” She cocks an eyebrow and keeps going toward the counter, smiling at the cashier. “Hi. Just this.” She pushes the hat forward and I don't stop her because there is no stopping this girl.
We walk out of the store and she's wearing a huge smile on her face. A real fucking smile.
“Can you please start modeling those panties for me now?” I take her hand in mine but she stops walking. “What?”
“I asked if you want me to hang out at your work? I want a Disposable Ink shirt. I'll wear it everywhere.”
I let out a chuckle. “Doll, I'll get you a shirt. And of course I want you there, but we can't. We both work. A lot.” I pull her to my side and keep walking. “So where's this sex outfit store?”
“Stop making excuses, Chase. I used to hang out at the bar to wait for you. And I'm going to keep doing that. And if you don't wear your hat at the ranch, you can still wear it...around. I can't try on the bra until you promise you'll wear your hat.”
She's fighting. And it's fucking beautiful. I smirk at her and take the bag out of her hand, pulling the hat out of its box and pushing it on my head.
“How's this?”
“So sexy.” She smiles.
I tip it down in the front a bit and lean down, whispering, “Now give me the show I came here for, doll.”
She grips my shirt and pulls me into the store. “These are cute because Christmas, but then I saw this and I really love it,” she purrs, pointing to a tiny black nightie thing and all I can do is picture her in it and I have to adjust my pants for the second time since I've met up with her.
It's been a long time since I've touched her. If she ends up buying one of these things, I'm not going to be able to keep my hands off her.
“Can I pick things out for you?” I glance around the store. I literally could blow thousands in this store if it meant I would get to see her in these things.
“I only have so much money.” She chuckles.
“I have enough,” I mutter, eyeing a deep green lace...thing with strappy...things. “What size are you?”
“Large. Hips and boobs,” she mutters, cupping her boobs. “But you don't have to buy me anything.”
“I don't have to do anything, doll.” I walk over and pull the green thing off the rack. “I want to see this.” I glance around, finding a black contraption. “And this, if you can figure out how it works.” I cock my head, holding it up. “Maybe we should get another girl in here to help you...”
“Chase!” She smacks my arm and grabs the garments from my hand, marching right to the counter. “There are only two places I'll wear these. No free shows.” She hands them over to the girl behind the counter.
“Hold up, I came here for the show!” I laugh. “You don't...you can't just buy those! Get back there and try them on. I'm your advice guru, remember!”
“Trust me, you'd fuck me wearing either of them.” She grins at me then to the girl behind the counter who's trying to withhold her giggles.
I nod, because she's fucking right.
“How much is that thing?” I ask the sales girl next to one of the racks about a leather getup while Kaydence checks out.
“Fifty three,” she says, smiling. “It's nice.”
It is. And it'll look fucking hot as hell on Kay.
“I'll take it. Ring me up!”
“What are you buying?” Kaydence asks, glancing from me to the sales girl.
“Wouldn't you like to know?” I smirk at her then nod to the girl. “Don't let her see it. Here's my card.”
The girl giggles and does a good job wrapping it up and hiding it in the black shopping bag.
As we walk out of the store, I nudge Kaydence. “You tricked me, you know.”
“Yes, I do.” She grins up at me. “I just wanted to spend time with you and I knew hot underwear would get you here.”
“I woulda came without the hot underwear,” I mumble. “Now I just get to go home and try not to think about you wearing those things. That's torture. That's the exact definition of torture, actually.” I glance at my phone when my sister texts, asking if I'm ready for the trip later this week and realize it sprung up on me fast. “Fuck,” I mumble, checking another text after hers. “Kay, Willie needs me tonight,” I huff, groaning. “I'm sorry. I gotta cut this short.”
“That's okay. I got what I came for. Maybe later you can come for what I got.” She chuckles and skips ahead, going for an exit. “You can still give me a ride home, can't you?”
“Of course.” My eyes fix to her ass. “Any time.”
Begrudgingly I drop her off at her place without going in and head straight to the bar. Willie's never called me in like this so I hope everything's okay.
“Hey, Will, everything good?” I glance around and the bar's completely dead which is weird. Usually we have a few stragglers on Sunday evening but tonight it's just Willie sitting at a stool by the bar.
“I'm fine. But you're not.” He stands and sighs. “This ain't like me, kid. But you need to get your shit in order. You're miserable and everyone around you knows why.” He walks over to me and pats my shoulder. “So consider this an intervention, Chase.” He glances toward the door leading to the back of the bar and when my eyes hit Brandt my entire body tenses.
“What the fuck is he doing here?” I growl, glaring at him. When Bo and Kinlee, Jo and Tyler walk through the doors I let out an annoyed laugh. “You guys are fucking insane. Let it fucking go.” I turn to leave the bar but Willie stops me.
“Just hear them out, you stubborn fucking bull.” He walks to the door and flips the lock. “Sit down.”
I growl and move toward a table, scraping the chair loudly on the floor and fall into the seat, crossing my arms in front of me. I haven't seen these guys since that night. Since the night everything was ruined. Because of them. Because they couldn't fucking stop. Brandt's watching me and Tyler's leaning back against the bar, mimicking my stance in the chair.
Un. Fucking. Real.
“Is this what happens when you dump your girlfriend?” Jo says and touches the scruff on my face I haven't shaved in days. I push her hand away, rolling my eyes.
“This is what happens when your girlfriend's family shows you the truth about her feelings. Thanks for that, by the way.” I glare over at Tyler. I'd have been okay never being in the same room as this kid again.
“Except they lied. Because they're dudes. And you guys are dense as hell.” Jo looks at Kinlee to back her.
“Why are you doing this to yourself, Chase?” Kinlee walks over to the table and sits across from me. “Why make yourself miserable because those jerks over there couldn't keep their traps shut?”
“I'm not a jerk for trying to protect my sister,” Tyler speaks up. “Maybe I didn't handle shit the right way, but I'm not apologizing for caring about my sister. I came to apologize for not getting to know you,” he says to me with a nod. “And I've already apologized to my sister for what I did to her. She's changed the past couple of weeks and it's hard on her, but I know she did it for you. And for herself. But it wasn't for us, so man up and take my sister back.”
“Ty, just…sit down,” Jo huffs as he starts to get pissed and paces.
I laugh harshly. “You guys are the worst at these things.” I shake my head, then stand and walk over to the bar, grabbing a shot glass. “Since Willie's locked me in here against my will, I'm not paying for this.” I eye Willie and he laughs from his spot in the corner. “Anyone else want something while I'm here?”
“Beer. Please.” Brandt says.
“Tyler?”
“I'll do a shot with you.” He huffs and walks up to the bar.
“I'm pregnant as shit, so I'm going to pass this time around,” Jo mumbles and we all chuckle because Jo doesn't drink anyway.
“I'm good,” Bo says so I nod and grab Brandt's beer before pouring Tyler and myself a shot.
After we down them, I groan and push against the bar. “You guys can't just walk in here and expect shit to go back to hunky fucking dory. Everyone involved in this shit.” I wave my arm around. “Just thinks it's easy as fuck to forget that. Well I can't.”
“Actually, you can.” Bo stands and pushes in his chair. “People hurt you, you hurt them. You're not innocent from hurting people. You tried getting with Jo the first night you met her!” He gestures to Jo. “And, I know circumstances were different, we didn't know about Brandt, but I told you she was my girlfriend! And you and Kinlee. You damn hated me because I was with Kinlee and I forgave you. I moved on from it. You can accept apologies if we're worth keepin' around. Just like Kay, if she's worth it, you'll let her back in.” With a tip of his hat, he sits back down and Kinlee rubs his shoulder.
“Chase…don't make the same mistake Bo and I made. Don't let your stubbornness get in the way of what you deserve.” Kinlee's eyes are pleading with me. If there's anyone in this room that could talk some sense into me it'd be her…but it's too damn hard. It hurts too much.
I shake my head at them. “I gotta go start to pack, guys.” I look straight at Brandt. “Say your peace, they're all waiting for it. Can't let the golden Kenshaw walk out of here without it.”
He chuckles and takes a seat at the bar stool. “Chase, you were always the guy the girls wanted. You were also always the guy they hated after one night and no returned calls. It happened too many times, so you'll have to forgive me for feelin' the way I did when the thing with my cousin first started. You were always a friend, but all I knew was the hot-headed womanizer that left this town years ago for bigger and better things.” He shrugs. “I'm with Tyler on this one, man. I'm not apologizing for trying to protect her. But I am sorry things ended up the way they did.” He glances at Jo. “I know what it's like to live without the love of your life, and I truly believe Kaydence is yours. So just...stop this shit. Stop being so stubborn. We're all sorry for the way things turned out and we're all,” he glances around, “at least five of us.” He looks at me and raises an eyebrow. “Are trying to fix it. So why aren't you?”
The expressions on the Kenshaw clan's faces makes me look around to each of them, one by one. For the most part, these are the people I grew up with. Before I can say anything, because I'm having an insanely hard time finding a reason why I'm still fighting this, there's a banging on the front door and Willie chuckles.
“Fuckin' kids are never on time,” he mumbles, and when he swings the door open Tommy and Grant walk in.
“What the hell! Y'all started without us?” Tommy whines, walking up to the bar and nodding at the tap. “Beer me.”
“Y'all were a half hour late,” Kinlee says, shaking her head.
“So did you talk some sense into him or do we need to go the ole strong arm route?” Tommy grins, wiggling his eyebrows at Kinlee.
“What the fuck?” I blurt. “Why are you guys here?”
“Um, because we hate you?” Grant shrugs and Brandt laughs. “I mean, we used to really like being around you. But now you're just a psycho to deal with and we're tired of it.” He nods over at Jo. “This girl right here called us up. Told us their plan. And we couldn't resist. Tommy even made a banner for it.”
Tommy unrolls the bright white sheet he carried in and I bust out a laugh. “Stop being such a fucking pussy-vention,” I read, shaking my head. “You guys are assholes.”
“We care. All of us. That and Kaydence has really been working hard on not farting rainbows anymore, she just occasionally sneezes glitter. She's trying hard, Chase. Mainly, just tell us how it is. Or her. Tell her, because she deserves it. We don't want to force this relationship. That would suck. But I think you're forcing the breakup,” Jo says.
I nod. They're fucking right. But I'm certain it's too late.
“I gotta go start packing, guys.” My eyebrows pull together. “Thanks for this. I mean it. And I'm sorry for calling you a fairy,” I say to Tyler.
“You called me a fairy?” he blurts, butt hurt.
“Probably. If not I should have. It's a good one, right?” I chuckle and slap him on the back. “Dammit, I'm almost sad the insult calling is over.”
He stares at me a minute, a hard look set across his face before he gives me a solid nod. He's biting back ripping into me because I'm ready to get out of here without giving them what they want. I know he is.
“I gotta get home, my sister cooked,” he mumbles.
“Tell her hi for me.” I wink and walk past the boys, straight for Jo and wrap my arms around her. “Thank you.” I kiss her head.
“Yeah,” she mumbles in confusion. “I...okay. I have way too many emotional hormones right now for this, so...so I'll be outside.” She looks at me with tears in her eyes and my brows pull up while she shakes her head before leaving the bar.
“Kinlee, beautiful as always.” I smirk at her and pull her in for a hug. “Thank you,” I whisper before she pulls away and her lips turn into a small smile.
“We expect to see you at our Christmas party this year. Bo's dressing up like a Christmas tree.” She grins over at him.
“Well, I wouldn't want to fucking miss that!” I boast.
“I'm not doing that.” Bo stands and puts his hand out for a shake. “Safe travels.”
I nod and glance at Willie. “You got my notice, right?” I ask.
“I did. Be careful, kid.” He goes back to his newspaper and I sigh, glancing back at everyone. “Y'all can stay for drinks. But I'm not about to serve you, so have at it.” I laugh, then duck out the door and cross the street.
I have some shit that needs taken care of.