Next to a villa, my apartment was a shoebox. Cassie was occupying our couch until the dorms opened up, and she insisted on having a best friends’ Christmas even though a week had passed since the blessed event. Everything was in its proper place. Even Jillian would be home soon after her week with her parents and Liam in California. But even though life was full here, my heart hurt. If Roman had been right—if I’d been the missing piece in his life—now he was the missing piece in mine, and I had no hope of filling the void of his absence. That didn’t mean I wasn’t trying, but books, television, even friends weren’t quite the same thing.

I was so hard-up for distraction that I was actually doing laundry when Jillian flew into my bedroom. I could almost picture her bags still in the doorway to the apartment.

“Merry Christmas! I know how you love books,” she said with a wink as she deposited a paperback onto my bed. “I bet you didn’t do anything but read.”

I shook my head, trying to bite back a smile—and failing—as I read the title: How to Survive After Being Robbed.

“Where on earth did you find this?” I asked, thumbing through the pages.

Jillian plopped down. “Online. You can find a book on anything thanks to the digital revolution.”

“Thanks.” I added the book to my bedside stack. “I’ll be sure to read it if I show symptoms of PTSD.”

“It’s not fun when you go all Doctor Jess on me,” she said.

“Speaking of, how are you?” I asked, sitting beside her. “Meds? Liam? Tara?”

“Promising. More promising. And hopeless.”

“Two out of three ain’t bad.” I wrapped an arm around her shoulder.

“How was Mexico?” Somehow she managed to ask this innocently, but I knew better. Cassie and Jillian had spent the whole trip texting minute-by-minute details of what was happening between Roman and I.

“It was fun,” I said, adding, “while it lasted.”

Jillian wrinkled her nose and swung a pillow at my head. “It doesn’t have to end. Unless…”

“Unless?” I prompted.

“You’re going to make up with Brett.” She sounded like she was gagging on her tongue as she spoke.

“You know, he isn’t a disease. You and Cassie could have mentioned that you hated him before.”

“It’s not that we hate him. We nothing him,” she explained. “It’s impossible to feel anything toward Brett, because he’s so boring.”

I sighed, and flashed her the five missed calls on my phone. “I’m not planning on getting back together with him.”

“Does he know you broke up?” she asked, grabbing it and hitting my voicemail button. Normally I would have stopped her from listening to my messages, but I couldn’t bring myself to listen to what Brett had to say. Someone might as well listen. Maybe he was dying. It would explain his willful refusal to get the message that I didn’t want to hear from him.

Jillian erased each of them and screwed up her face. “He definitely doesn’t know.”

“He’s in denial,” I said. “I was very clear with him. I did not lead him on. Things were over—”

“Chill,” she stopped me. “No judgment from me, although it sounds like you feel guilty about something.”

“And boom goes the dynamite,” I said, falling back on my bed. She’d given me five minutes of peace before nosing around for the dirt on Roman.

“Come on!” She popped onto her knees and shook her folded hands. “Please!”

“You don’t see me asking about your sex life.”

“One, that’s not true. You were on my ass as soon as Liam and I started dating. Two, you still owe me for not kicking him out when I asked—”

“Hold up,” I stopped her. “I think that worked out for the best.”

“Whatever. Chicks before dicks!” she said. “And three, you can hear my sex life. You know it’s fantastic. But if you want the dirt, I unwrapped my present early under the Christmas tree. Three times.”

“Merry Christmas to you,” I said.

“And a Happy New Year!”

“I suppose this means you two will be celebrating here next week,” I said.

Jillian wagged a finger at me. “No way, Jess. You aren’t going to get away with changing the subject. I want the details.”

“Fine!” I threw my hands in the air. “We had a fling and it’s over now. No big deal.” But even as I said it, a few more pieces of my heart shattered.

“You aren’t fooling me,” she said, taking my hand and holding it tightly.

Cassie sauntered into the room, carrying several bags of ornaments.

“Tree’s in the car. It is fake, so its beauty will never fade, like mine, and all ornaments were 75% off. Target for the win.” She stopped when she saw Jillian and I still clutching hands. “Who died?”

“No one,” I said, pasting a smile on my face. “We were just catching up. Did you know Jills and Liam did it under the Christmas tree?”

“I did,” Cassie informed me. “I had more time to text on our trip that you did. That story is why I bought a fake tree. I’m hoping Santa brings me my own boy toy, but without the accompanying rash.”

I planted my hands on my hips and gave Jillian my best what-the-fuck look. At least, the urge to cry had been usurped by curiosity.

“Pine needles are sharp, especially when you’re naked and getting slammed against them,” she explained in an innocent tone that fooled no one.

“Ick!” I stuck my tongue out. “Are you okay?”

“I’m spectacular,” Jillian said. “Believe me, I have no complaints.”

I thought of Roman and the jalapeños.

“What’s that smile?” Jillian asked. “I have to know, Jess.”

“An inside joke.” But even though I tried, I couldn’t wipe the goofy grin off my face. That story was staying between the two of us. It would have made my friends laugh, but there was something far too personal about it to share.

“Fine. Don’t tell me. But answer this. Does he use I-statements in bed?”

My cheeks reddened. I wasn’t the type to spill details about what happened behind closed doors, especially considering they both knew Roman as somewhat of an authority figure.

“He spanks her,” Cassie said.

My eyes found the floor as my blush deepened. I was fairly certain it would never go away again. So much for respecting authority. I’d be getting naughty school girl memes for weeks. Months. Possibly the rest of my life.

“No freakin’ way.” Jillian clapped her hands, bouncing up and down.

“Or she spanks him. All I know is that somebody’s ass is getting smacked.”

“I would never spill on what I heard coming from your bedrooms.” The words trembled out of my mouth.

They froze, only daring one quick glance at each other.

Jillian stretched toward me and grabbed my hand. “I’m sorry. It’s just hard not to want the details. I mean–you slept with Markson.”

“He isn’t Markson to me, and it wasn’t some conquest,” I said, looking to Cassie. “And I thought you knew that.”

“Let’s decorate the tree,” Jillian suggested.

“No thanks. I’m not feeling very festive. I have clothes in the wash.” I darted toward the washing machine before either of them could stop me.

But she wasn’t so easy to lose. She followed me in and took up residence on the dryer. I wondered if they’d drawn straws as to which of them had to handle mopey friend duty. “Do you want to talk about it?”

“What’s to talk about?” I asked, shoving freshly folded laundry into a basket. “It was a fling—a week of boy-catching. That’s all. You know the rules: catch and release. We messed around, but I can’t get involved now, even if you’re not playing anymore.”

Her lips twisted into a grim smile. Jillian had coined the term, which might have been the reason that she was the first one of us to really fall victim to her own game. Cassie and I had never really played. I’d preferred the safety of monogamy and Cassie had been looking for the one. But that’s what I’d been doing with Roman. I’d known all along that I had to give him up.

“A week, huh? That’s more than enough time to get caught.”

“I’m not caught!” What was meant to be a stern proclamation came out a little too hysterical to be believable. What the hell was happening to me? Oh yeah, I wanted someone who was absolutely off-limits. Whoever said it’s better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all was either a masochist or had a heart of steel.

“You care about him,” she said softly. Pushing her wavy hair back, she stood and walked to me. “These things have a way of working themselves out.”

My jaw clenched as I held back tears and the urge to say something hurtful to my best friend. Things had worked out for her and Liam, but that was a totally different set of circumstances. He was available. Jillian was available. We weren’t. I wasn’t sure why she couldn’t see that.

“I just want to be alone,” I told her.

Jillian didn’t fight me on it, but she stopped and looked at me thoughtfully. “That’s the problem. You don’t want to be alone. You want to be with him.”