Katharina
When Jason was gone, I was feeling at a loss again. I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t know how I was supposed to occupy myself with him gone for the day. Kenny had shown up and he was perched in the living room, watching TV again like usual.
“Hey, Kenny,” I said as casually as I could muster. “I think I’m going to the store.”
“Okay,” Kenny replied. “Give me two minutes and I’ll be right with you.” He was glued to some reality show and I had to suppress a laugh. “This show is really good so far.”
I shook my head. “No,” I said. “That’s okay, you don’t have to come. I’ll just be a few minutes. Why don’t you stay here and watch TV?”
“Ha, nice try,” Kenny said. He got to his feet and clicked the television off. “Jason said I’m not supposed to let you out of my sight.”
I sighed and stamped my foot on the ground, aware of how childish I was acting. “I don’t need a bodyguard,” I said. “I think I was just being hyperbolic when I told Jason I wanted someone over here with me. I don’t have anything to be afraid of,” I said, trying to be convincing. “I’m totally fine, Kenny.”
Kenny rolled his eyes. “You’re not fine,” he said. “I mean, you are here,” he added. “But you’re not leaving, not without me.” He crossed his arms over his chest and looked at me sternly. “Sorry,” he added in the most non-apologetic voice that I could imagine. “Boss’s orders.”
I felt an irrational anger towards Jason boiling up inside of me. Why did he even care, anyway? He didn’t love me. He only married me because of some dumb promise he made to my father! I was just some woman to him, some plaything to fuck and toy with until he’d had enough of me! “Jason doesn’t really care whether I get hurt or not,” I mumbled. “Come on, you know that.”
Kenny frowned, marring his handsome features. “Jason cares a lot,” he said, looking awkward. “Trust me, I know him pretty damn well.”
“So you know he doesn’t really love me?”
Kenny turned away. “I’m not going to talk about him like this behind his back,” he added. “And if you try to go anywhere without me, you have to know I’m going to stop you.”
“You’re being so melodramatic,” I said. “I just want to go to the store! Or a walk, even. It doesn’t have to be that far!”
Kenny shook his head. “Sorry, no can do,” he said. He didn’t sound sorry. Not at all.
Pouting, I turned on my heel and stamped down the hallway to Jason’s bedroom. The bed was still a mess from last night, and it smelled like our musk mixed together. I frowned as I pulled the sheets off the bed and crumpled them up before tossing them in the wash. Jason didn’t love me. I knew that. He just wanted someone to take care of him, to cook and clean and make his house nice and neat while he went out doing…whatever he did that was too important to tell me about. The whole thing made me sick. It was no better than Troy trying to keep me locked down so I wouldn’t have any friends outside of him.
Just then, I remembered I hadn’t talked to Becky in a while.
“Hey, Kenny!” I yelled into the hallway.
“What is it?” Kenny came running, looking breathless. When he saw that I wasn’t hurt or in clear danger, relief flashed across his face. “What happened, Katie? What can I do?”
“I’m calling my friend Becky and having her over for lunch,” I said. “You’re not going to flip over that, I assume?”
Kenny looked sour. “No,” he said. “No one else, though. Just her, you got that?”
I knew it was diabolical, but part of me wanted to see if I could get Becky to flirt with Kenny. That way, maybe he’d leave me alone for a little while.
When I called her, she answered on the first ring. “Hello?”
“It’s me,” I said automatically.
“Who?”
I sighed. “Don’t be a bitch. It’s me, Katie.”
“God, I was beginning to think you were dead,” Becky said sarcastically. “What’s up?”
“Want to come over?”
Her tone brightened. “Yeah,” Becky replied. “I’m bored as shit. I’ll be there in five.”
“Wait,” I said quickly. “I’m living somewhere else now.” I gave her Jason’s address and we hung up. I could tell by the tone of her voice that she was dying to ask questions, but, to her credit, she hadn’t said anything untoward while we were on the phone. I rolled my eyes. That was Becky’s style; she was definitely going to save the skepticism and snarky comments for when she was here in the flesh.
The doorbell rang almost minutes later. I laughed; she must have dashed out of her apartment and gotten in the car as soon as I called.
“Hi,” Becky said, breathless, when I opened the door. “Oh my god, Katie,” she added. “You look great.”
Kenny came up behind me; I could hear his footsteps on the wooden floor. “Who is this?”
“This is my friend Becky,” I informed him. “She’s coming inside for a while.”
Kenny narrowed his eyes but he didn’t say anything. When he’d retreated back to the living room, Becky turned to me and gaped.
“He is gorgeous!” she gushed loudly. “How did you manage to get him as your boyfriend?”
“He’s not my boyfriend,” I said lightly. “I was sort of hoping you’d take a liking to him, actually.”
Becky rolled her eyes. “Nice try,” she said. “He’s cute, though. You know I don’t like bikers, Katie. What are you doing here? This is a nice house. Oh my god,” she continued, without pause. “Are you, like, on house arrest? Is that dude a cop? Is he, like, watching you?”
I laughed. Becky got on my nerves sometimes, but I realized now just how much I’d missed my best friend. Aside from Jason, I hadn’t talked to anyone in days and I was starting to feel really alone.
“We have some wine,” I told Becky. “Come into the kitchen with me.”
An hour later, Becky and I had gone through a bottle of the merlot that had been tucked in Jason’s fridge. My face was red and it hurt from laughing so much. Becky was catching me up on an old story about one of her boyfriends. She tended to date the weirdest people, and she was keeping me in stitches. I realized I hadn’t said anything about Jason, and now it didn’t feel right to bring up. I was keeping my hands tucked safely in my lap, twirling my wedding band on my left hand with the fingers of my right.
“So, what have you been up to?” Becky looked at me sharply. “Anything exciting? Anything I should know about?”
I shook my head. “Definitely not,” I told her, lying through my teeth.
“Come on,” Becky said. “What’s the deal with this house? This place is great, Katie. It looks absolutely incredible.”
“I know,” I said as I glanced around. Even though I didn’t share Jason’s tastes in the hyper masculine decorations, I couldn’t deny it was a stylish and comfortable place to live. It never would have been the kind of thing I assumed about Jason, but now I was glad that he had such a nice place. It made him seem more stable, more like someone who would be a good husband.
“So, what happened? How did you wind up here?”
I blushed and glanced away. “It’s a long story,” I told her. “I mean, I had to do something to get away from Troy, and…well…this guy is an old friend of the family.”
“And he has someone guarding you?” Becky lowered her voice to a hush. “I mean, what’s up with that? Is Troy really that dangerous?”
“You know he is,” I said, feeling wounded. Becky had been on speed dial during the worst of Troy’s abuse. I couldn’t count the number of times where I’d come to her with a broken rib or a bloody and bruised eye. It hurt to think she was being so dismissive of my claims. It was just like Jason when he didn’t believe me that Troy would hurt me. And then Troy showed up at the bar, I thought. Great.
“Sorry,” Becky said casually. “I just don’t understand how you went from living in your apartment to staying here.”
I shrugged. “I needed help,” I said, trying to match her tone in lightness. “And Jason was willing to help me.” I thought back to his words from the night before. “He promised my father that he’d look out for me.” I left out the part about how I didn’t exactly know that. “Jason is a good guy; he’s solid.”
“He’s in a motorcycle club, though,” Becky replied with an air of disdain. “Where did he get all the money for this stuff? Is it stolen? Is everything okay?”
I bit my lip and sighed, feeling more than a trace of irritation with my best friend. I drained the last of the wine in my glass, went for more, and saw that the bottle was empty.
“I’m going to get us more,” I told Becky. “You want?”
She held up her glass like I was a waiter. “Yeah, duh,” she said. When I moved, she saw the flash of my ring in the light. “Oh my god,” Becky said, grabbing my hand and yanking me backwards. “No way, Katie. What is this?”
“It’s a ring,” I said lightly, pulling my hand free of her clutches. “What does it look like?”
Becky rolled her eyes. “Don’t be so boring,” she snapped. “I mean, I can tell it’s a ring…but that finger…did you…?” She looked up at me, the kitchen light reflecting in her eyes.
I sighed dramatically. “Yes,” I said. “We got married.”
Becky’s eyes bulged. “Oh my god, Katie, that’s like something from a movie! How come you didn’t tell me?” She narrowed her eyes and glared. “I wanted to be maid of honor!”
I shook my head and grabbed a fresh bottle of wine from the fridge. The alcohol was sloshing around in my stomach and making my skin warm, but in a pleasant way. It was the most relaxed that I’d felt in days, and I was happy I was reconnecting with Becky, even though she got on my nerves. “It was a courthouse wedding,” I told her, plopping back into my seat with the grace of a seal. “You wouldn’t have liked it.” I closed my eyes and thought back to that day. It seemed like forever ago, even though it had only been a few days. “I barely even remember it, to be honest,” I added. “I mean, the ceremony. It was quick. It only took a few minutes.”
Becky gaped. I thought for some reason she thought I was lying. “What about the…guy?” she asked softly. “I mean, do you really act married?” She smirked at me and I felt my whole face heat up with a hot blush. “What does he look like?”
I let out a sigh. “Do you remember Jason Littleton? He was in the MC with my dad.”
Becky blushed. “I’m sorry, Kate,” she said. “I forgot your dad was in that club. I didn’t mean anything, you know, what I said earlier.”
“It’s fine,” I said, waving my hand in the air.
Becky thought about what I’d asked. Finally, she nodded. “The name sounds familiar,” she said. “But I don’t think I’ve ever met that guy before. Does he go to any bars around here?”
I shook my head. “I don’t think so,” I replied. “I think he’s mostly a loner.”
Becky pursed her lips and stared. “So…you know this guy pretty well?”
I cringed. I didn’t, not really. Even though I’d basically grown up around Jason, it wasn’t like we were friends or had any kind of history to speak of. Jason and I were like two planets who had orbited very, very close to each other—we were always in sight, but never exactly touching. Maybe we would have touched more if Troy hadn’t kept me locked away. Troy. Just thinking about him threatened to ruin my mood. I swore I’d keep my mind off him for the rest of the night.
“Kind of,” I lied. “I mean, I grew up around him. He’s been in The Silent Havoc since he turned eighteen. He was around my father a lot,” I added, like that would somehow make up for my lack of not knowing Jason. “And my father always trusted him.”
Becky was still staring. She blushed and shook her head in disbelief. “It’s just crazy that things worked out like this for you,” she said in a soft voice. “I hope you’re happy, Katie.”
I licked my lips. “I’m happier than I was.”
Becky frowned. “Are you guys, like…you know, doing it? Having sex?” She turned to me with a lascivious expression on her face. “I mean, you are married.”
I blushed. “I’m not telling you that,” I protested. “That’s not fair. You don’t tell me about your sex life, I don’t have to tell you about mine.”
Becky stared at me with an even expression on her pretty face. “You’re not doing it, then,” she said confidently.
I tossed my hair over my shoulder and stood up, draining the last of my glass. I was starting to feel actually drunk, but I hadn’t noticed until I’d stood up. I hadn’t had very much to eat that day, and here I was, getting drunk on my husband’s wine stash.
“You don’t know anything,” I said before I could think about it. Becky stared at me, clearly shocked. I couldn’t believe what I’d said. Clapping a hand over my mouth, I turned away.
“What was that?” Her tone was accusing, and not exactly friendly.
“I don’t know,” I mumbled. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to…I’m just, I’m sorry, Becky. I’m under so much pressure and stress right now.”
Becky rolled her eyes. “Yeah, like staying home all day and drinking wine is really hard, Katie.”
I sat down with a hard thump that hurt my tailbone. Wincing, I turned to my best friend. “Look, I know you’re mad at me. I should have told you more about this. I’m sorry. But Troy is really dangerous, and Jason is trying to keep me safe. That’s why that other guy is here, and that’s why I can’t leave the house without him.”
Becky softened, but she still looked pretty angry. “You’re just so different,” she said. “You used to be so impulsive, so headstrong. And now this? You’re basically letting someone control you?”
“It’s not about control,” I argued back. “It’s about staying safe. Troy is dangerous, and he’s out there.”
Becky threw her head back and laughed. “You really think your evil ex is so dead-set on getting you that he’s spending all of his time creeping around outside with a knife or something?” She rolled her eyes and I felt a painful sting in my heart. “You need to get over yourself, Katie. Troy was an asshole; I’ll grant you that. But he wasn’t nearly as bad as you’ve said.” She stared at me until I felt my cheeks growing hot and tears forming in my eyes. “If he was as bad as you said, you’d be dead or traumatized or something right now. You just wanted attention, Katie. You were jealous because I always had new boyfriends and fun and you just let Troy control your life all the time, even though he’s too weak to really do anything.”
I could feel myself getting angrier and angrier and I knew that soon I was going to say something that I’d regret. “Becky, I am fucking traumatized!” I yelled back. “You don’t see it, but I can barely sleep! I have nightmares every time I close my eyes that Troy is coming back to kill me, or that I’m already dead, or that Jason has turned into him! He ruined my life for years!” I balled my hand into a fist and slammed it down on the table. “He wouldn’t even let me go to my own father’s funeral! He thought I’d be out there, flirting with guys!” Tears spilled from my lids and down my cheeks. I wiped them hastily away and glared at Becky. “You can leave,” I said in a shaky voice, pointing towards the door. “If you’re just going to be a huge bitch, I don’t want to be your friend anymore.”
“Why are you acting like a little kid?” Becky stood up with her hands grabbing onto her hips, like wings. “I’m just telling you the truth, Katie, and it’s not my fault if you’re too fucked up to hear it.”
“Get out,” I repeated, in the same dull, wooden voice. “I don’t want to see you again.”
Becky let out a huff of breath. “Fine,” she snapped. “But the next time you get bored, don’t think of calling me. I’m sick of having lame friends,” she added. I winced again. She stalked out of the room and slammed the door behind her. As I listened to her heels fade away on the sidewalk, I lowered my head to the table and started sobbing.
I’d never felt so alone in my life. I wondered if the rest of my life would be like this, waiting at home for Jason, bored out of my skull. I’d just lost my last best friend and now I didn’t even know what I was going to do until he got home. And I hated how Becky hadn’t believed me about Troy. It was like no one did. Not Jason, not Becky, not anyone. He was the worst thing that had ever happened to me and I couldn’t even tell people about it without their expressing skepticism.
“Hey, there,” Kenny said in a low voice. He knocked against the open doorframe. “Mind if I sit?”
“No,” I said, my cheeks reddening. I was a mess of snot and tears and I didn’t want anyone to see me like this, but I didn’t want to risk alienating yet another person who could be a friend. “I’m sorry,” I added. “I’m just not feeling very well today.”
Kenny nodded. He cleared his throat. “Is there anything I can do?” He walked closer and I saw real concern in his eyes.
I shook my head. “No, thanks,” I said softly. “I’ll be fine.”
Kenny nodded. Unlike Becky, he actually seemed to understand the transformative power of silence. He lowered himself into the chair that she’d been sitting in and poured himself a glass of wine, keeping his eyes down on the table while he drank it. He let out a long sigh. “I know this is hard on you,” Kenny said. “Jason told me you were real independent, like not the kind of girl who would like being cooped up.”
I nodded. “It’s not exactly that,” I mumbled. “It’s everything, it’s more than—”
Right then, at that exact moment, we both heard the front door open and close. Kenny nodded at me, as if to say “all right, then,” and got up and walked back into the living room. I heard him exchange a few words with Jason and then Jason’s large frame walked into the kitchen. For once, he didn’t smile at me, and for once, he didn’t seem overly attentive to how I was feeling.
“I’m hungry,” Jason muttered. “Did you make anything for dinner?”
My cheeks burned all over again. “I didn’t,” I said softly. “Um, my friend Becky came over for some wine and we got in a fight.”
Jason swallowed. I expected him to chastise me, for what, I didn’t know, but he didn’t. Instead he let out a long sigh. “I’ll go to the store,” he said roughly. “I’ll be back soon.”
“Wait,” I said, a hint of desperation creeping into my voice. “Can I come with you?”
Jason shook his head. “I’ll be right back,” he said. He sounded tired. “Do you want anything?”
“Please don’t go,” I said suddenly. “I’ve been really feeling lonely all day and I don’t want to be left alone again. Please let me come with you, okay?”
Jason sighed. “Fine,” he snapped. “You’ve got five minutes to get ready.”
I was so elated at being allowed to leave the house that I almost didn’t notice the shitty mood he was in. Jason was acting a lot shorter than usual with me, and he seemed tense. Even though he’d been asleep next to me all night, he looked like he’d spent the night walking the floor and drinking. He looked terrible.
I ran down the hall and put a brush through my hair, then tugged on a fresh pair of jeans and moccasins. Jason and I met in the hallway; he was swinging his keys around on a short chain.
“Come on,” Jason said gruffly. “We’re taking my bike.”
There was something exhilarating about riding behind Jason, about wrapping my arms around his muscular torso and holding on for dear life. He drove fast, seemingly too fast, but I felt safe when I was with him. I knew he would never endanger me, or do anything to hurt me. In fact, the faster he drove, the safer I felt. With Jason to break the wind in front of me, I even felt warm and cozy on the back of his bike. Jason’s leather jacket smelled heavenly, like man, like the way I remembered my father’s jacking smelling when we’d hug. It made me sad in a whole new way, and even though I was starting to feel better from earlier, I still felt pretty alone.
I liked Jason, a lot, but I was reticent of sharing too much with him now. After all, he only married me because of that promise he’d made to my father. Maybe there would be a chance that, someday, he could fall in love with me and not regret his decision. Or maybe he’ll tell you he wants a divorce, I thought sullenly as he steered the bike around a sharp curve. He was driving faster than ever but I didn’t even mind. In a way, I could sort of tell why he liked riding on a bike so much. It was much different than riding in a car. You were exposed to air, exposed to nature, not encased in a safe little fiberglass bubble.
When we got to the store, I trailed behind Jason as he grabbed a few things. Rice, refried beans, tortillas, cheese, sour cream.
“What are you getting?”
Jason turned to me. “This is my comfort food,” he said sullenly, giving me no explanation for why he suddenly needed comfort food.
“Oh,” I said in a small voice.
We didn’t talk for the rest of the trip. The safe feeling that had welled up within me on the back of the bike dissipated rapidly and I was left feeling more awkward around Jason than ever before.
When we got home, I sat in the kitchen and watched as he silently made a mess of the food. He set down a couple of plates on the table and slid one over to me. It smelled good. When I took a bite, I was surprised to find it delicious.
“This is good,” I said.
Jason didn’t look up. “My mom made this for me as a kid,” he said. “She was from Texas, and even people who didn’t know how to cook knew how to make Tex-Mex.”
I didn’t know what to say to that. Everything felt different between us, awkward somehow. Like things had changed. “Oh,” I said softly. Taking a deep breath, I looked at Jason. I was sick of staying at home by myself, and if he didn’t really care about me, well, I wanted to know it. “Jason, would it be okay if I went out tomorrow for a little while? By myself, I mean.”
Jason narrowed his eyes and glared at me. “Whatever would make you ask that, Katie?”
My heart twisted inside my chest and I looked down. “Because if Troy knows I’m married, maybe he won’t bother me,” I replied. “And because I’m sick of being cooped up here all day with a bodyguard.”
Jason shook his head firmly. “No, Katie,” he said in a low voice, almost like a growl. “And don’t ask me that again.”
“But, Jason,” I wheedled. “Please!”
Jason stood up from the table, sending a ripple of fear and anticipation through my body. “I told you not to ask me again,” he growled. “Don’t ever do that.” Grabbing his plate, he walked over to the sink and dumped everything. I heard the shatter of ceramic and glass as he dropped the plate down with a heavy thud before turning on his heel and walking out of the kitchen.
I could have cried. It wasn’t fair. I didn’t know why Jason was treating me like this, and worse, now he was acting like he was angry with me.
Sighing, I shook my head and gazed down bitterly. This was my life now. I had to get used to it.