Chapter Twenty-One
Jane told Dan what had happened to Samantha, and she told him what she’d done—creating an imaginary woman with her personality in Sam’s body. Dan was kind and understanding, and obviously very sorry to hear about Sam’s death, but he didn’t seem like a man who’d just learned that his dream woman had not only died, but had never really existed in the first place.
“Can I ask you something?” Jane ventured.
They’d gone to sit on a wooden bench not far from the bridge, with a view of the lake and the sunset.
“Of course,” Dan said, turning to face her.
He was the same charming, handsome man she remembered—but how could she have thought she was attracted to him? Compared to Caleb, he was like a pale shadow. Dan was intelligent, pleasant, good-looking . . . but Caleb shook her to her very core.
Of course Dan hadn’t been attracted to her, either. It was Sam he’d fallen for.
Hadn’t he?
“I was just wondering. After I read your letter, I thought you might really be in love with Sam. But now it seems like . . .” She trailed off.
It took him a moment to answer. He looked out over the lake and then back at her.
“I did believe what I wrote in that letter. Not just at the time, but for a few months afterward. But there were other things going on in my life, too. Things I didn’t tell you about.” He paused. “My wife and I separated last summer. She’d moved out of our house just three months before I met you. Looking back, it seems obvious that I was struggling to deal with that, which had a lot to do with the way I reacted to Sam. But it’s hard to see your own emotions when you’re in them.”
“I can definitely relate to that,” Jane said wryly.
He hesitated. “There’s something I should admit to you. Something I should have seen at the time, and which I’m not proud of.”
“What?”
He looked embarrassed. “The fact is . . . well . . . your sister strongly resembled my wife.”
Jane stared at him. “She did?”
“Not in the way she looked, but in her spirit. Her vitality.” He pulled out his wallet and showed her a picture. “That’s Julia.”
She studied the photo for a minute. This woman was small, with dark hair and skin. Superficially, at least, the two women were very different. But the sparkle in their eyes was the same, along with their big grins and joyful expressions.
Dan put his wallet back in his pocket. “My feelings for your sister had little to do with her and everything to do with my wife. I mapped all sorts of fantasies onto Samantha—especially after you told me about her . . . or, well, you,” he added with a smile. “That made the resemblance seem stronger. My ex-wife’s taste in literature is much like yours.”
“So neither Sam was real,” Jane murmured. “Not the one I created or the one you imagined.”
He shook his head. “I’m afraid not. I realized about a month ago what I’d done, and I finally found the courage to talk to Julia about the problems that led to our divorce. We’ve been talking ever since.”
“I’m glad,” she said.
“That’s kind of you.” He paused. “Once I came to my senses, I was sure Samantha wouldn’t be at the bridge today. Why would she travel so far to meet a total stranger? But if she did, I couldn’t let her wait for a man who would never appear. So I came.” He smiled at her. “And here you are, for the same reason.”
“I thought it was my fault. I mean, if I hadn’t told you all those things about Sam, you wouldn’t have written that letter. Or so I thought. And I couldn’t let you wait for her and wonder . . .”
“I understand.”
“That wasn’t the only reason I came, though.”
“What was your other reason?”
The sun had dropped below the horizon, and the light was fading. For now, though, color clung to the puffed clouds on the horizon.
“I made up a version of Sam that didn’t exist. I wanted . . . it seemed important . . .” She groped for words. “I needed to tell you the truth.”
He nodded slowly. “Why do you think that was so important to you?”
How could she explain it?
She took a breath. “When we were kids, there were times I made Sam into a villain in my mind because we were so different, or because I was jealous of her. And even after we grew up, there were whole parts of her life I didn’t understand or know much about. And then, after she died . . . I sort of did the opposite. I created this kind of idealized version of her. Caleb—the man who brought me here—keeps reminding me that she wasn’t a saint. That she was human. He helped me to get to know the real Sam again. The sister I loved.” She bit her lip. “That’s the Sam I wish I’d told you about.”
Dan looked at her for a moment. Then he got to his feet and held out a hand to help her up.
“So tell me now,” he said.
She stood up beside him. “Tell you . . . ?”
“About Sam. I’d like to know. We can walk along the lake, if you like. It’s beautiful with the evening coming on.”
And so she and Dan walked beside the Lake of Shining Waters, and she talked to him about her sister.
She told him about Sam as a child and as a teenager. She told him about Sam’s hike up Owl Mountain, when she’d decided she wanted to be a wilderness leader, and how she’d wanted her ashes scattered there. She told him about Caleb, too, and the business they’d started together.
“She loved what she did. She was so full of life. More than anyone I know, except for Caleb. That’s why it seemed so . . . so wrong when she died. Like it couldn’t be. For a long time I just couldn’t accept it. It took me a long time to say goodbye.”
“And now?”
“I’ve said goodbye. But the funny thing is, now that I’ve made that peace, it doesn’t feel like she’s gone.” She put a hand on her heart. “It feels like she’s here.”
On their way back to the bridge, they talked about other things. His life, and hers, and the strange confluence of events that had brought them so briefly together. She didn’t realize how much she’d also talked about Caleb until Dan said, “Your boyfriend sounds like a remarkable man.”
“My—oh no,” she said quickly. “Caleb’s not my boyfriend.” She blinked. “I didn’t mean that in a bad way. Any woman would be lucky to have him. He’s the kindest, most generous, most decent man I’ve ever known.”
“Ah.”
She glanced at him. “You put a lot of meaning into that Ah.”
He smiled. “All right, then, I’ll be more direct.” He paused. “Don’t repeat the mistakes that brought both of us here.”
“What mistakes?”
“Don’t miss the person standing right in front of you. And don’t fail to look into your own heart, no matter how difficult it might be.”
They were almost back where they’d started. They went the rest of the way in silence, and as they walked, she thought about Caleb. She thought about last December at her apartment, and last night on the mountain, and sitting in the car in the dark, listening to Anne of Green Gables.
They were back at the bridge. She leaned over the railing, looking down into the twilight-gray waters, but what she saw was Caleb’s face.
He was so stubborn. He’d rejected the very idea of finding middle ground. Why was he so determined to bring her with him on his adventures around the world instead of trying to see if they could make a long-distance relationship work?
Why wouldn’t he compromise?
She’d been proud of herself for being so reasonable, for controlling the part of herself that was willing to give up anything, to follow him anywhere, just for the chance to be with him. But why couldn’t Caleb understand that was no foundation for a relationship? Why couldn’t he be reasonable?
Then she thought about his parents, and her heart clenched. How much damage had his mother and father, with their very different desertions, done to him?
She remembered what he’d said when they got back to the car that morning—that asking a woman to travel with him was a first. She hadn’t given him any credit for that. But for Caleb, it really was a big deal.
He’d structured his life so he could be alone without being lonely—out in nature by himself, or leading groups of adventurers. He’d never committed to a woman before. Then, when he finally wanted to, his instinct was to grab on too tight—and not give up any part of his own life.
He was afraid. But in spite of that, he wanted to be with her. He was hanging in there.
She thought about the way he’d made her feel that night in December and last night on the mountain. If there was no such thing as speech, if she had only body language to go on, how would she think Caleb felt about her?
Her heart started to pound. “I need to talk to him.”
“Your friend?”
She’d almost forgotten Dan was there. “Yes.”
He nodded gently. “That sounds like a good idea.”
She started off down the lane, realized she hadn’t said goodbye, and came rushing back. “Good luck with your wife,” she said breathlessly. “I hope you guys work things out.”
“Thank you, Jane. And thank you for the walk.” He made a shooing motion with his hand. “Now go.”
The light was almost gone. She broke into a run halfway down the lane, so eager to reach Caleb that she stumbled twice.
She burst into the parking lot, looked around, and stopped cold. Where was Caleb? Had he gone somewhere? When would he be back?
Most of the other cars in the lot had gone. But a few remained, along with a taxi parked not far from where Caleb’s car had been. As she stood there wondering what to do next, the taxi driver emerged from his cab.
“Jane Finch?”
She stared at him. “Yes, that’s me.”
“I’ve got your suitcase in the trunk. I’ve been hired by Caleb Bryce to take you anywhere you want to go.”
She didn’t understand. “Is he all right?” A clutch of panic. “Is he on the way to the hospital or something?”
“He seemed fine when I saw him. He told me to tell you he’d sent you an email.”
An email. Maybe there’d been a family emergency—his brother or his aunt. But if so, why hadn’t he called her? She fumbled in her purse for her phone, glad now she’d gotten an international data plan, and opened her email.
Jane,
Since you made it very clear that our lives will never mesh, I figured I wouldn’t waste any time getting out of yours.
You won the bet, which means I owe you a thousand dollars. I’ve hired this taxi to take you anywhere you want, whether to a hotel or the Charlottetown airport or all the way back to New York. I’ll pay for your hotel, and if you decide to take a plane back, I’ll pay for your ticket.
Caleb
That was it. That was all he had to say to her.
She reread the short paragraphs with growing fury.
God, what an idiot she was.
She’d told herself he wanted to be with her. That he was hanging tough even though he was afraid.
She’d thought she knew how he really felt. She’d told herself to listen to his body language.
How was this for body language? He’d actually run away from her.
It turned out that a man could make love to you like you were the most important, most precious thing in the universe and still take off the next day.
And this wasn’t even the first time. He’d taken off in December, too.
Well, at least she could be sure of something this time. This would be the last morning-after the two of them shared, and the last time he had a chance to run out on her.
“That bastard. That bastard!”
The taxi driver looked startled.
“The gentleman who hired me?” he asked cautiously.
She wanted to kick something. But the only thing available was this guy’s tire, and that would be a lousy way to start off what was, apparently, going to be a longer relationship than anything she and Caleb could manage.
“He’s not a gentleman, and yes.” She took a deep breath. “And I’m not taking a cent of his money. How did he hire you? Did he leave a credit card on file?”
“Yes, he did, with unlimited authorization.”
She pulled out her wallet, fished out her bank card, and handed it to him. “Cancel it and take mine instead.” She took another breath. “It looks like I’ll be staying here overnight. Where’s the nearest hotel?”
It was dark by the time Caleb hit the Trans-Canada Highway again, but his mood was darker.
Jane had read his email by now. He’d written it in a tangle of emotion, anger at himself and anger at her and anger at the goddamn universe for making him fall in love when he didn’t have a clue how to deal with it.
His hands tightened on the steering wheel. He’d written to Jane in the heat of jealousy and bitterness and fear, and he already regretted it.
He regretted it, but he was glad it was too late to take it back. Because they didn’t belong together. They lived in different worlds, and all they could bring each other was misery and the slow wrenching away of two people trying and failing to make things work.
His phone buzzed, and when he saw Jane’s name on the screen, he almost swerved into oncoming traffic.
He forced himself to wait until it was safe to pull onto the shoulder. Then he put on his hazard lights, took a deep breath, and read Jane’s text.
As it turned out, there was more than one.
You son of a bitch.
I always knew you were a coward, but I never thought you’d literally run away from me.
I hope you get bitten by every insect in Australia. I hope a kangaroo kicks you in the head.
If you think you can buy your way out of this, think again. I gave the taxi driver my card instead of yours. I won’t be taking a single penny from you.
And don’t bother trying to call me, because I’m blocking your number on my phone. And don’t bother trying to email, because I’ve rerouted anything coming from you to my spam folder.
That’s where you belong, Caleb. The spam folder of life.
I hope I never see you again.
His hand tightened on the phone. He could practically see her in front of him, her arms folded and her eyes spitting fire, and her words etched in fury.
And all he could think about was how much he loved her.
Shit.
Shit, shit, shit.
It’s too late, he reminded himself as he pulled back onto the highway. It’s too late to un-fuck this. But Jane will be okay, because she’s the most incredible woman in the world, and she’s going to meet someone a hundred times better than you.
And for the rest of his life, whenever he saw something beautiful, he would think of her.
An hour later his phone buzzed again, and he experienced a moment of feverish hope before he saw the name on the screen.
Hunter.
Right. He’d promised to phone his brother so they could figure out a joint visit to Rosemary this summer. Maybe he should stop somewhere for dinner and give him a call.
As he thought that, a wave of bone-deep fatigue went through his body. In the last three days he’d driven for eighteen hours, hiked for six, and camped on a mountaintop. He hadn’t gotten much sleep, and if he didn’t want to cause an accident on this godforsaken highway, he’d better think about stopping somewhere, not just for dinner but for the night.
There was a chain hotel twenty minutes down the road. It was overpriced, but it would have room service, and that sounded damn good right now.
He checked in, placed a dinner order, and called Hunter while he was waiting for it.
“Sorry I didn’t phone.”
“Don’t worry about it. I knew you were going to Maine and Canada with Jane. How’s the trip?”
If he had a week, he might be able to answer that question.
“Fine. We scattered Sam’s ashes, which was the important thing. Jane’s still on Prince Edward Island. I think she’ll probably stay there for a day or two.”
“You think? Don’t you know?”
“We, uh, had a parting of the ways. I’m on my way back to New York now.”
There was a short silence.
“A parting of the ways? What does that mean?”
“Jane found what she was looking for, and she didn’t really need me around anymore.”
Another silence.
“Caleb, you sound like shit. What’s really going on?”
He sighed long and deep. “How much time have you got?”
So he told Hunter the whole story—the night at Jane’s apartment and everything that had happened since. His dinner came when he was halfway through, but his brother didn’t seem to mind that he talked with his mouth full.
“So that’s that,” he said when he was finished. “It’s pretty fucking ironic, if you think about it. I was always so afraid of turning into Dad, you know? I made my life as different from his as I could. Dad spent his life stuck in one place, and I travel around the world. Dad had the ranch and all those burdens he couldn’t deal with, and I’m fancy-free. He fell in love with a woman who gave him hell, and I swore I’d never fall in love. And now here I am.”
“Yeah. Here you are.” Hunter paused. “But it isn’t Dad you turned into. It’s Mom.”
Caleb froze. “What the hell are you talking about?”
“Can’t you see it? Wandering around the world, determined never to be tied down. And walking out on the best thing that ever happened to you.”
“You mean . . . Jane?”
“Of course I mean Jane. Jesus Christ, Caleb. I’ve never heard you talk about anything the way you spent the last hour talking about that woman. You’re head over heels in love with her, out of your mind crazy about her, and you left her in a parking lot.”
He was starting to wish he hadn’t eaten so much.
“We don’t belong together,” he said gruffly. “It would never work. You saw what happened to Mom and Dad.”
“Caleb. You’re not Dad, and in spite of the dick move you pulled today, you’re not Mom, either. Your life worked fine when you weren’t in love, but now you are. So you’re going to have to make some adjustments.”
Caleb closed his eyes. “You make it sound so simple. But you don’t know Jane.”
“I met her once. She seemed pretty fucking fantastic, to be honest.”
“She is. But she’s a romantic. She’s got this big imagination. She’s always dreaming up ideal people. I’ll never be able to live up to that.”
“That sounds like your own fear talking, not Jane. And you can’t love an ideal person. That’s hollow. Empty and cold. It takes real love from a real person to keep you warm.”
To keep you warm.
All he’d ever wanted was to keep Jane warm. He wanted to keep her warm and safe and loved, and he wanted to do it for the rest of his life.
But he’d fucked up his chance to do that, and he’d fucked it up good.
“It’s too late.”
He didn’t realize he’d said that out loud until Hunter answered him.
“What do you mean, it’s too late?”
“It’s too late to fix things with Jane. I really screwed up.”
Hunter was quiet for a moment. “Yeah, you did. But if you get off your ass, it’s not too late to fix it.”
That was a bossy older brother for you. “It’s not, huh? Why do you think that?”
“Because you’re both alive. As long as you’re alive, you can fix anything.” He paused. “Make a gesture.”
“A gesture?”
“Yeah. Some kind of big gesture to show her how you feel. Women like that.”
“I question your expertise in this area. When was your last serious relationship?”
“It’s been a while. But at least I’ve actually had one. In the land of the blind, the one-eyed man is king.”
For a long time after they hung up, Caleb thought about Hunter’s words.
As long as you’re alive, you can fix anything.
Was his brother right?
There was only one way to find out.