Chapter10
Hazel
“So, what have you been up to?” Rachel was asking Hazel casually over coffee. They tried to meet up a few times a week without kids or Leo around so that they could speak candidly without interruption. It was obvious to Hazel that Rachel was fishing for news. She knew her too well.
“Do you mean, have you seen Damien again?” She asked openly.
“Ah okay, well I didn’t want to come right out and ask you know. I was trying to be polite.”
“Hah! Since when are we polite with one another?”
“Fine, fine. You got me. Just tell me then. Have you seen Damien again? Because you’ve been awfully quiet about the whole thing.”
Hazel sighed. She had seen Damien again. She’d seen him at his work. She’d gone out to eat with him, and he had come around once to the house for dinner. She looked at Rachel and she knew that she couldn’t lie to her.
“Yeah. I have. But… you know… not in that way.”
“I know. I know. You’ve told me a million times. He’s just a friend. So, have you gone on another ‘friend date’ then?”
“Well no, not like that. He got himself a job actually. He’s working at Curious Corner. It’s the cutest bookstore on the corner of Smith Street.”
She saw Rachel’s eyes widen. “I LOVE that place. I used to go there all the time. I just haven’t lately because I barely have any time to read. But I used to love going there and browsing through the books. This old man worked there. I forget his name now. But he always wore the craziest clothes and he would help me choose a book. And every single time he would end up choosing a book that I loved. He was cool. Is he still there?”
“Yeah. Damien said he’s wonderful. His name is Charles. I haven’t met him yet.”
“Charles. That’s it! Well, okay, that’s good news. That’s a nice job to have. It’s good to see that he’s trying.”
Hazel could feel a grin spreading on her face. “Yeah, he is. It’s an awesome place and he’s doing a good job at it. Charles seems very happy with him. So I went to visit him once and afterwards we went and got a bite to eat. Other than that, well, he came for dinner at my place.”
“Oh? With Ben around?”
“Yeah, with Ben around. I want the two of them to get to know each other. I mean, I haven’t told Ben who he is yet but he’s a bit too young to fully understand anyway. So this is a good opportunity for him to get to know his father first.”
“So? How was it?”
Hazel thought back to the night. She had been unsure as to whether or not she should invite him but in the end she decided that she needed to give him a chance to get to know Ben. And Ben had been delighted. He had walked Damien around the house pointing everything out to him and the two of them had spent at least an hour in his room together while Ben showed him his toys. Hazel kept telling Damien that he didn’t have to be polite and she kept telling Ben that he needed to give Damien a break – but the two had barely heard her. They had just seemed so happy to be together. It had taken everything for Hazel not to burst into tears. She hadn’t realized just how much she had wanted a proper family until that moment.
“It went well,” she told Rachel, “the two of them got on like a house on fire. It was very sweet. And yeah, it was also very hard to watch.”
“And how about the two of you? Do you get on? Is it awkward?”
“Strangely enough, it’s not awkward at all. Most of the time it just feels normal – which is actually what makes me feel so weird. I mean, how can it feel normal? But yeah, every now and again I remember what he did and I want to run away and cry. I mean, I didn’t think he would ever do something that like to me. I didn’t know he had a past like that and I would never in a million of years have guessed that one day he would be in jail for trying to rob a bank. So what makes him any different now? And yet – I feel like he’s different. I don’t know. Maybe I’m being stupid.”
“You’re not being stupid. But be careful, Hazel. Please. I know how much he means to you – but don’t ever forget what he did to you. Don’t ever forget how you had to bring up his child all by yourself for two years. I know things turned out well in the end, but those beginning months were so hard on you. I remember. I was there.”
“I know you were. Man, I’m glad I met you.”
“You promise to tell me everything? I don’t want you keeping things to yourself. It’s not good. And I promise not to judge you. You know I never would.”
Hazel sighed. “Thanks, Rach. Well, there is one thing I haven’t told you.”
“I knew it.”
Hazel laughed. “You’re like a ‘best friend detective’ or something. You always know when I’m keeping something from you.”
“So… spill it.”
“Well. We kissed. It was after that first date that wasn’t really a date. And it was definitely not supposed to end that way. But it did.”
“Hazel Rose. How dare you keep this information from me? Okay, so part of me wants to yell at you and say ‘what the hell are you doing girl?’ but part of me just wants to know how it was?”
“It was beautiful. Like a fairy tale kiss. And I’m not just saying this, Rach. It was perfect. Which made me so confused. I practically closed the door in his face after that. Which goes to show – I do have some bit of self-restraint. I hated myself for what had happened. And really… it was my fault. He came to give me a kiss on the cheek to say goodbye and I turned my head. I know it was my fault. Ah… but it just felt so right.”
“And since then? What’s happened?”
“Actually… nothing. I haven’t mentioned it. And neither has he. He’s been a real gentleman about it all.”
“Well, that’s good to hear. And don’t beat yourself up about it, Haze. I mean, this is a guy you were in love with once. This is a guy you had a child with. The whole thing is damn confusing. So don’t be hard on yourself. Your emotions are going to be up and down for a while until you figure out what you want.”
“Thanks, Rach.”
“So, are you seeing him again?”
Hazel could feel the color rushing to her face. “Maybe.”
“Maybe means yes.”
“Yes. But just for dinner. And Ben is coming, too.”
Hazel tried to ignore the way that Rachel was looking at her.
***
That evening she got ready and then helped Ben get ready, too. He was insisting on wearing his pajamas and nothing she could say could make him change his mind. They were new pajamas that Rachel had gotten for him. They had dinosaurs all over them and he had been in love with them from the moment he had seen them. Damien was picking them up for a very early dinner so that Ben could still be in bed early.
“Hey, Damien, let me just get my bag,” she said when Damien knocked on the door. He came inside and grinned when he saw Ben.
“Cool outfit dude. Man I wish I was wearing my pajamas, too,” Damien said to Ben.
“Dinosaurs,” Ben told him and pointed to his chest.
“I love dinosaurs.”
“Love?” Ben asked him.
“Yeah. I love them. I especially like this one over here because he’s wearing a hat.” He pointed to one of the dinosaurs and Hazel watched as Ben burst out into giggles.
“Hat,” Ben repeated and pointed to the same dinosaur.
“Sorry about the outfit. He refused to wear anything else and there was nothing I could do to talk him out of it,” Hazel told him.
“Are you kidding? He looks amazing and super comfortable. He must make the most of it while it’s still considered cute.” Then he stopped and looked at Hazel. “Hazel, you look beautiful.”
Hazel felt herself blushing. She was wearing a black dress that hugged all her curves. She’d never dared to wear it before but for some reason she had felt emboldened to take the plunge tonight. The dress did nothing to hide her body and accentuated everything – even the parts that she didn’t want accentuated. She knew that they would be going to a kid friendly restaurant and that she’d probably look like she was trying too hard but she didn’t care. It felt nice to dress up for a change.
“Thanks Damien. You clean up rather nicely yourself.”
At the restaurant, Ben pointed to the play area and looked at Hazel with big and pleading eyes. It was obvious that he would not sit still until he got the chance to play. They were seated with the perfect view of the play area and Hazel told him that he could play until his food arrived. He wobbled over to the other kids and became immediate friends with them.
“He looks a little drunk when he walks.” Damien noted which made Hazel laugh.
“I know. I think that every time that he walks. And he’s so determined. Now that he’s figured out what his feet are for he doesn’t want to get picked up at all. Which means, it takes us forever to get anywhere, but it’s okay. I’ll do anything to see that drunken wobble.”
“If only we looked that adorable when we were drunk.” Damien sighed.
“Tell me about it.”
The rest of the night went by even better than Hazel had expected. The three of them felt like a family sometimes, which confused Hazel all the more – but she had to admit that it felt good. And Damien was just so easy to get along with. Too easy. He spoke about his work and about the books he was reading and he told her all about his brother. By the end of the night she felt as if she had gotten to know him all over again and she liked the man that he was becoming.
But was it enough to make her change her mind about starting over? She wasn’t sure. Also, they didn’t speak much about his past, or what had happened that night he left, or the past two years that he had been in jail. They concentrated on the present moment and tried to stick to positive things. She wasn’t sure if this was a good thing or a bad thing but she knew that it was easier to ignore what had happened. Also she wasn’t sure if dwelling on the past would do them any good.
Then, when he took her home, she lifted Ben into her arms so that he could say goodbye to Damien, too. She was also using Ben as a shield so that she didn’t kiss him again, but she didn’t say that out loud.
“Ben, Damien is going home now. Did you have a nice time, my boy?”
Ben was getting sleepy and his head rested on her shoulder. He nodded.
“Okay, that’s good. We had a good time, too. Now say goodbye to Damien.”
“Bye, dada.”
Hazel wasn’t sure if she had heard correctly.
“No, his name is Damien. Can you say Damien?”
Ben could say a lot of words and she was sure that he could say Damien. She was sure she had even heard him say it before.
“Dada. Daddy,” Ben said and pointed to Damien. “Damien.”
“Uh… I don’t know where he’s getting that from,” Hazel said to Damien who was standing in shock at what Ben had just called him.
Damien snapped out of it and smiled. “Bye, Ben. You’re a clever one, you know that? Just like your mommy.”
“Well, goodbye Damien, thank you again for a great night,” Hazel said.
Damien reached over and kissed her on the cheek and then reached down and did the same to Ben.
“Bye, Pandas.”
When Hazel walked back inside she looked at Ben. “Do you know who that was?”
“Daddy.”
But how? How does he know that? I didn’t tell him. Hazel was shocked but didn’t say anything. She just smiled and then put Ben to bed. But she couldn’t stop thinking about what he had said. It was in that moment, as she lay watching her sleeping child, that she knew she was going to give Damien another chance. She wasn’t sure if it was the right thing to do or the wrong thing to do – but she knew that she was going to do it regardless.
When her phone buzzed she reached out for it and assumed that it was going to be either Damien or perhaps Rachel asking how the date went. But it was from an unknown number.
Tread carefully. Watch your steps. Always look behind you.
Hazel shivered. It was probably a wrong number.