Alistair adjusted the watch on his left wrist as he came into his penthouse after a long day at work. It was Friday, at least, which meant he’d be heading to the mountains the next day. He figured it was high time to try some skiing again, but not the terribly hard slopes. The clicking of heels made him perk up. His gaze swept up and down his fiancée, Abby, who was dressed to kill.

“Very nice. Where are you headed?”

She paused in the mirror in the foyer, fiddling with one of her earrings. “Out.”

It wasn’t common of him to ask where she was going, but something about his day had prompted the curiosity. Maybe it was because he’d been thinking of Jess all day without wanting to, a bad habit he thought he’d left behind once her desperate calls had stopped. She’d had the dignity to leave him alone for a couple weeks after Austria, but then the calls started. He even changed his phone number and had his lawyer issue a cease and desist letter, just this side of a restraining order.

That had been at least four months ago, which he’d told himself meant he didn’t care about her anymore. He was in the clear. That brief chapter of idiocy had started and ended in Austria.

But today…Jess stained his mind like red wine on white carpet. He’d been thinking about Austria without realizing it as he entertained the idea of a small ski trip. Made all those bad memories come flaring back to life.

Abby’s voice held no trace of resentment or mystery. She was answering as their agreement stipulated. He didn’t probe into her life and she didn’t probe into his. It was the ideal arrangement, the situation he’d asked for.

“Okay.” He stood awkwardly in the foyer, stuffing his hands into his pockets. Part of him wanted to be going somewhere with someone. Not with Abby, necessarily. But…to have a destination with someone on his arm. He hated that he even thought about it. But now that he was “engaged,” he had to prove to the world that he was monogamous. So he was trapped in a chaste arrangement until further notice.

Abby looked at him through the mirror, frowning a little. “Bad day at work?”

He shook his head. “No, not at all.” He looked down at the tips of his shoes, focusing on the scuffs there. “Don’t you ever think we should be more…I don’t know…open with one another?”

Abby creased a brow, finally turning to face him. “What do you mean?”

“Like…talk about our days. Stuff like that.” The absurdity of his words echoed in his ears. What he was requesting was stupid.

“I thought you didn’t want that,” Abby said slowly. “I thought we were doing it just as you wanted.”

He frowned, scrubbing at his jaw with a hand. “No, you’re right. You’re completely right.” He crossed his arms, sighing.

“I mean, I feel bad taking your money if you’re not happy with this,” Abby said. “I’ve been following everything to a T. I even read that guide your old assistant sent over.”

Alistair cocked his head. “Guide?”

“Yeah, the girl who originally interviewed me…” Abby squinted as she thought. “Jess? After she was fired, she sent over a guide through your new assistant. I thought you knew.” She patted at her hair in the mirror, pursing her lips slightly as she admired her makeup. “Seemed like you even helped write it.”

Alistair blinked a few times, the information cycling strangely through him. “May I see it?”

She shrugged. “Sure. Let me grab it.” Her steps sounded on the wood floor as she headed for the back of the penthouse to her own private bedroom. Alistair slipped his shoes off and went to the kitchen, smoothing his hand over the wide, wooden top of the island as he waited for Abby to return. His gaze stuck on the dusky skyline of Seattle through the bay windows. Where was Jess now?

When Abby came into the kitchen, she had a ring binder in her hand. She passed it off to him, tossing a tight smile at the same time.

“You can keep it if you want. I gotta go now.” She waved her fingers at him, heading for the foyer. He stared after her, feeling the familiar draft of emptiness whenever they crossed paths. They could put up a good front…they’d even convinced his grandmother. She played the part well, and to her credit, she loved to go on high-profile adventures with him. They’d even announced their engagement during a climb on Mount St. Helens. The fact that Alistair had found someone crazy enough to scale an active volcano with him had convinced his grandmother straight away. Everyone knew this union was fated.

Except it wasn’t, and going along with his original plan felt far worse than the alternative future he’d glimpsed in Austria. A future he’d chewed on and fantasized about in the recesses of his mind.

Living with Abby was tolerable, but it certainly wasn’t better than being single, and it failed every test when compared to Jess. It satisfied the requirements of his grandfather’s will, but these days Alistair wasn’t even sure how badly he wanted to maintain his position in the company. Was it worth all this?

Alistair stared at the packet of papers for a long time, willing himself to thumb through the pages. It felt like Jess was actually in the room with him, knowing she’d written this guide. And he didn’t even have to touch the pages to feel the effects of her influence.

The penthouse felt eerily still as he eyed the pages. The front simply read Alistair Beaumont, helpful hints and guidance, with Jess’s contact information below the title. He ran his thumb over her email address, memories streaking through him. Her breathy whimpers. Fingernails digging into his back. The way she didn’t just yield to him but took every last bit of him.

He ground his jaw, flipping to the first page.

I’m writing this guide to help whoever comes after me, but also as a way to sort of come to terms with a chapter of my life that was very important to me and ended horribly. I worked with Alistair for two years, and those were the two best years of my life. He is a kind, adventurous, daring man. He works late and innovates constantly. He is known to go on vacation on a whim. And he is a charmer. Oh, he will charm the pants off of you before you even know it happened.

Alistair smirked, shaking his head. If he had charmed her early on in their work relationship, it was news to him.

But he is serious about his work, and he is even more serious about his pride. And I am no longer working with him, or in his life, because I hurt his pride, and I damaged his trust, both on personal and professional levels. It was an honor to know Alistair. He is a good man, and I hope your relationship with him, whatever the context, is as fulfilling as mine was.

The rest of the packet included subheadings like Working Style, Work Environment, Calendar Maintenance, and a variety of other tidbits that pertained to B3. She had classified him down to the very last quirk, even reminding the incoming assistant and/or pretend wife to always, always, always buy Earl Grey tea and never assume that all teas were created equal in his eyes.

It was a Type A shrine to Alistair. And somehow, it made his belly erupt with butterflies.

He could have written a similar ode to her quirks and preferences. Hell, he still could. He thought about her peculiarities in the damnedest moments. The way her bottom lip puffed out when he suggested a meeting happen sometime after three p.m., as opposed to giving her a specific time. The exact noise she made when he started off the day with, “Jess, I have an idea…” All of the secret smiles she’d sent him whenever he openly appreciated her food on staff cook-in days. And maybe he’d made a bigger deal about her food than anyone else’s because he wanted that smile, was desperate to get it.

Alistair rubbed at his face. So what did he want? When he envisioned a future that satisfied him, it involved all the usual suspects: rappelling down cliff walls in the American Southwest, exploring the jungles of Peru via raft, hanging out in Thailand after learning how to surf. Working with forward-thinking people to bring innovative designs and solutions to niche problems and quandaries. But also it involved Jess, and he couldn’t will it away if he tried. She had persisted like a plague, despite every effort to rid himself of the notion.

More work only reminded him of her. Less work allowed him to think about Austria. Abby’s presence reminded him of all the ways she was not Jess. Their lackluster adventures, though noteworthy and daring, were spent wishing he could instead be tucked away with Jess trying new grilled cheese recipes. He’d been teasing her in his head for months now about the way her face looked when he suggested they go on a hike. He had a whole arsenal of unused jokes for that one.

She’d lit up his life in a way he’d recognized from the day he interviewed her. And then he’d spent two years convincing himself the way he felt about her was just admiration of a good assistant. He told himself the attraction was just because she was his “type,” even though he didn’t have a type. He lied to himself daily about the very real way in which his whole being lit up when she was in the room. He loved the way she helped him hunt for his keys, that adorable mixture of exasperation and genuine astonishment when they turned up in his back pocket on more than one occasion.

His brothers hadn’t been exactly happy with his decision to fire Jess. It seemed even they knew how good she was for him. The new assistant, Ruby, was effective enough. She hit all the marks, got him out the door on time. But working with her only reinforced the truth that he and Jess had shared something special. Life didn’t sparkle quite as brightly without her, no matter how many cliffs he rappelled down on the weekends. Being alone wasn’t what he was after. Being free was the goal. But somehow, Jess holding a piece of his heart while they remained apart didn’t feel free at all.

He liked that she had separate interests from him, but liked that they could share them as well. So what if he couldn’t rappel with her? He didn’t need to do all the most daring activities with Jess. She could cheer him on from below, exactly as she’d said when he proposed the trip to Peru. They could share together, without her coming along. Because if Abby was any indication, having a partner on his wild journeys wasn’t actually ideal. He cherished the alone time, the chance to reconnect with himself.

Alistair stared at her contact information for a long time before heading to his computer, jingling change in his pockets. There wasn’t anything wrong with just looking to see where she was. What she might be doing. Maybe she’d found another job at a rival company or turned to an entirely different industry. Maybe she’d found an actual boyfriend. Someone who had whisked her out of state, far out of his sphere. Curiosity sizzled through him, urging him along. He’d blocked her on social media ages ago, but he could unblock her. Satisfying this curiosity might be all that he needed. Just one last glimpse, a small taste to get him through.

Jessica Green, where are you?

He was going to find out.