CHAPTER 21
The next morning, Evan sat in front of his computer in his downstairs office, wondering how in the hell he was going to write to Randi. It had always been so easy before, so natural, that he never thought about what to say. It was so much different now, and there was so much at stake.
His stomach rolled as he took another slug of his coffee. He’d already swallowed some pills to make his head stop banging. While the headache was slowly improving, the coffee he was swilling wasn’t helping his gut.
He popped a few antacids into his mouth and threw the roll back into the drawer.
No wonder I never drink. I feel like crap.
Ignoring his discomfort, he stared at the blank email in front of him with a scowl. Granted, he had known Randi wouldn’t be happy that he hadn’t shared who he really was with her, but he didn’t know she’d feel betrayed. All he’d wanted was a little more time. It nearly killed him that his actions had made her sad and distrustful. He’d rather die than to see her in pain, emotionally or physically.
What am I going to do if she doesn’t forgive me?
“Not an option,” Evan growled to himself as he placed his fingers on the keys. He’d gone from elation to the depths of despair last night. She’d told him she loved him, and then she’d left him. “She still loves me,” he muttered. “I need to make her understand that I didn’t intend to hurt her.”
No. I was just being a selfish prick. I didn’t think about how my secret would affect her, how she would feel because I didn’t share the discovery with her immediately.
Putting himself in her place, he would have probably been annoyed, too, but he would have gotten over it. He would have eventually ended up being pretty damn happy that the two women who fascinated him were one and the same.
Problem was, he hadn’t been certain she’d feel the same way.
I can never love a man like him . . .
Dammit . . . why had she written those words? There was nothing that would have stopped him from claiming her for a lifetime if he’d known that she loved him. He didn’t care what background she came from or what obstacles they had to overcome to be together.
I love you.
Had those words been real, or just a momentary thought when she was in the throes of a good climax? If she had meant it, did she still love him?
Evan was starting to hate himself because he was wracked with insecurities. He wasn’t a man who dealt well with failure, anxiety, indecision, or self-doubt.
“To hell with this,” he said aloud, talking to himself. He wished Lily were here. At least the canine would cock her head and pretend to be listening to him. She pretty much agreed with everything he said—that was the way he chose to interpret her actions, anyway. “I’ll keep writing to Randi until she listens.”
He’d had a brief conversation with Hope that morning to explain why he, Micah, and Julian had gone missing before the festivities had ended. He’d confessed that he hadn’t taken her advice. After a long lecture, she agreed that writing to Randi and giving her some space was the best option.
I’m writing, but I know it won’t be long before I show up on her doorstep. I can’t stay away.
Evan was wrestling with himself to not go directly to her house and demand that she belong to him forever.
“She’s mine. She was always meant to be mine. There’s never been anyone else for me,” he grumbled angrily, knowing he’d blown his one chance at real happiness. He knew what happy was now; it was Randi.
Maybe he’d known since the day he couldn’t resist replying to her smartass email over a year ago, but he just hadn’t been able to admit it. He hadn’t been lying when he told her that, maybe subconsciously, he’d always hoped she was his mystery woman. He’d blown off the idea months ago because of the way she signed her emails and the fact that he didn’t know Randi had a foster mother. They had never spoken to each other enough for him to know much about her life in person. But somewhere deep inside, Evan didn’t think the possibility had ever left his heart—even if it didn’t make sense to his conscious mind.
Evan was discovering that not everything was based in reality; some feelings just happened . . .
Dear M.,
Have you ever wanted something so badly that you did something stupid to get it?
“Please be home. Please read my email. Please understand me,” Evan whispered desperately before shooting the email into cyberspace, hoping she’d do all three of those things before he lost his mind.
I’m not checking my email. I’m not checking my email.
Randi patted Lily on the head, consuming a large sandwich as she chanted the mantra in her mind. She’d already done her run for the day, gone through her yoga routine, and then meditated.
It hadn’t helped.
She was still fighting the urge to check her email and see if Evan had written. It was late morning, so she had no doubt he was already gone. She’d nearly broken down in tears as she’d watched the two private jets climb in the sky early this morning during her run. It had been cold and clear when she’d woken up, so she’d decided to forgo the treadmill and do a cold-weather run instead. It had felt good to be outdoors, and she’d been exhilarated until she heard the roar of jet engines flying low overhead, meaning a private jet had taken off from the small airport outside of town. Actually, two planes had taken off within minutes, and Randi knew it was Evan and Micah because Julian didn’t have a jet, and none of the other Sinclairs had plans to go anywhere.
I knew he was leaving. It shouldn’t have hurt that badly. I wonder if he thought about me.
Most of her anger was gone, had disappeared as she thought about all of her conversations with both S. and Evan. The initial shock had worn off once she’d determined his actions had been more careless than intentional.
I’m not checking my email. I’m not checking my email.
Of course, she could get on the computer. She just didn’t have any reason to log in to her email for the Center.
Randi sighed as she dumped the rest of her sandwich in the garbage, suddenly not very hungry. She’d spent last night mostly awake and restless, trying to figure out who the real Evan Sinclair was. Granted, she’d been hurt initially, and it hurt even more that he was gone now. After almost an entire night of tossing and turning, reliving a lot of the things he’d said to her, she wondered if his motivation had really been to make her a fool. Everything they’d shared, online and offline, had felt so real.
She walked into her foster parents’ former bedroom slowly, finally sitting down after going back and forth for what seemed like a thousand times and then leaving without turning the computer on.
Oh, for God’s sake, just look. It doesn’t matter anymore. He’s gone.
The desire to know if he had tried to contact her before he left was killing her. He hadn’t texted or called, so this was her one last hope.
If he didn’t write, I can start moving on, start trying to forget. If he didn’t at least try to explain himself, he’s not worth all of the moping I’m doing right now.
Randi flipped on the computer and proceeded to bring up her email for the Center, holding her breath.
She felt pathetic as she waited, pinning so much hope on some kind of explanation. Maybe she should have listened to him last night, but her immediate reaction had been one of betrayal. She’d been feeling vulnerable and wounded because she’d told him she loved him and then . . . bam! The news that he’d known for quite some time that she was his mystery friend had broadsided her.
Finally, the mailbox came up and she released a shaky breath as she saw that there was an email from him, and he was using the exact same email address that he’d always used to write to her.
Dear M.,
Have you ever wanted something so badly that you did something stupid to get it?
Randi stared at the one-liner for a moment, trying to figure out why he was still using the same style and her mystery name to ask her a question. Checking the date, she noticed it had been sent less than an hour earlier. Contemplating the question, she knew it was about the two of them. What stupid thing had he done?
Dear S.,
She started her reply knowing she was going to play along. She wanted answers too badly not to. She didn’t want to go through the rest of her life not knowing why he hadn’t come clean with her. She continued.
No, I don’t think I have. I’m not certain I’ve ever wanted anything badly enough that it required doing something stupid. Was it illegal?
She shot the reply into cyberspace, hoping he was going to explain. Not expecting a reply while he was in the air, she was surprised to see an answer come back in a matter of minutes.
M.,
It wasn’t illegal, but it should be. I hurt you, and that is unacceptable to me. You’re the last person on earth I’d want to hurt, but I did because I was stupid. I’m so sorry, Randi.
Tears started to flow down her cheeks as she saw his apology. Breaking all pretense, she wrote back.
Evan,
Why didn’t you tell me? I have to know.
She assumed the S was short for Sinclair. He’d used a businesslike initial just like she did when she’d first started writing to him, using the first initial of her real name. They were beyond that now, and she wasn’t going to hide behind an initial that she rarely used.
Her heated conversation with Evan the night before flowed through her memories, especially the part about the possibility that deep down inside she’d always known that S. might be Evan. Although she’d never acknowledged it, or even really thought about the possibility consciously, maybe there was a part of her that wished they could be the same man. Maybe that was one of the biggest reasons she hadn’t wanted to meet him in person—because she suspected she’d never feel the same chemistry for another man that she felt with Evan. If she’d met S. and the chemistry wasn’t there, she’d lose a friend who had come to mean a lot to her.
Evan had mentioned that he wasn’t all that surprised when he realized she was M. Was she really all that surprised now that Evan was really her mystery man? She’d always been drawn to both of them in different ways, yet the connection was similar. Now that she put them together, it was hard not to realize that they were the same person. They’d had time to get to know each other through emails, but the connection was strong for two people who had never met face-to-face. Her physical connection with Evan in person had been immediate and intense. Both of them were powerful bonds like she’d never experienced before. So was it really so surreal that they were one and the same man? Probably . . . not.
Did I secretly always hope that S. was really Evan? Is that why I never wanted to meet him? Did I want to keep the fantasy alive that I’d be just as attracted to him in person as I was via email?
Now, she could answer with certainty that she did want them to be the same man. It was highly possible that she’d always wanted that, but had been afraid of disappointment when she discovered they weren’t.
It took a few minutes, but Evan finally answered.
Randi,
I could easily say that I don’t know why I did it, or that I just hadn’t gotten around to telling you yet, but that wouldn’t be the truth. The truth is that I was afraid of losing you. What if you didn’t want me to be your mystery friend? What if he was more important than our physical relationship? I was trying to figure out how I’d deal with that, but I couldn’t. I guess I was a coward, and I was trying to find out how you felt about me by continuing to be S. for a while. It never occurred to me that it might hurt you. I was going to tell you before we went to the ball, but when you said you couldn’t love a man like me in your email, it nearly destroyed me. I guess I felt like there was no point in confessing after that.
Her tears flowed faster as she read the response again through blurred vision. If it had been any other man except Evan, she might hesitate before she believed what he was saying. But this was Evan, and he was special. His brain was wired a little differently, and his experience with true relationships was almost nonexistent. She believed him.
She typed back.
Evan,
Why does it matter to you what I said? We’ve always both known that our relationship couldn’t go anywhere. I have a life here, and you’re constantly traveling. I never meant to fall in love with you. It just happened. Maybe I shouldn’t have told you, but I couldn’t hold it inside me anymore. But I didn’t expect the words to matter, and I didn’t expect anything for saying them. I’ve just learned that life is too short not to tell somebody you love them if you really do.
Randi sighed as she sent the message, her hands still shaking from the knowledge that her feelings had been that important to a man like Evan.
He wrote back quickly.
Randi,
Maybe I’ve never had a woman who made me want to stay in the same place before. Perhaps I’ve been chasing goals that I’ve already achieved. I wanted to be better than my father, and it’s been my priority for years. I guess when you meet the right woman, your priorities change completely. I challenged you to make me happy. You do. You’re the only person who can. It doesn’t matter what we’re doing. If I’m with you, I’m a happy man.
She read the message quickly, realizing that he was saying he wanted more. Although she wanted the same thing desperately, it just wasn’t possible. She started to sob as she typed back a quick reply.
Evan,
Being together permanently isn’t practical. I’m a prostitute’s daughter, Evan. I was a street kid. You’re a very powerful man, and people would love to get that kind of gossip to make your life miserable. I can’t do that to you, no matter how much I care.
After she sent her reply, Randi knew she should sign off. Her emotions were drained, and she had her answer. It was more surprising than she’d ever imagined. Evan cared about her so much he had been afraid he couldn’t measure up in person to the man he’d been while she was writing to him. For such a complicated man, his emotions were simple. He had been afraid to tell, terrified of being rejected.
Evan shot back an email moments later.
Randi,
Bullshit! Do you think I give a flying fuck about what other people think? Your past has made you who you are, and I love everything about you. I’d change your childhood if I could, but only because nobody was there for you except your foster parents. Contemplating all of the things that could have happened to you rips my heart out every time I think about it.
“Evan loves me,” Randi told Lily, stroking the golden head that was currently plopped in her lap. Lily’s ears seemed to prick up as though she recognized Evan’s name, her nose twitched interestedly, and her tail thumped a couple of times before she laid her head back down.
Randi’s heart started beating so hard and fast that it was pounding in her ears. She wrote back.
Evan,
We can talk next time you’re in town. Maybe we just need some time to think about this before we jump into anything stupid. Since you’re already on the way to your meeting in San Francisco, we can spend some time thinking about if we can manage to work this out.
Randi felt like she needed to give Evan an out, an opportunity to think about who he was getting seriously involved with before he made declarations he might regret. Distance and time wouldn’t change the way she felt about him; she’d just miss him more.
“Did you seriously think I was going anywhere? I’m going to convince you to marry me before you have a chance to think about what a jerk you’re committing yourself to—even if I have to drag your gorgeous ass up the aisle.”
The masculine voice behind her made Randi gasp and swing around in her chair. There at the door to the bedroom was the man of her dreams, his shoulder propped against the doorframe, the cell phone he’d been using to communicate with her in his hand, and a stubborn look in his eyes. “Hello, my mystery friend,” he said in a husky, seductive voice. “I’m glad we could finally meet in person.”
Randi’s heart melted and her tears started all over again.