Entry 11: Well, That Didn’t Go As Planned

Date: April 3, 2013

A week later, I was seated by the dining table at my cousins’ house, watching April and May finish another episode of Adventure Time. Nate was sitting on the couch between the two of them, being the good big brother he was. As the theme song started playing for the next episode, I heard the front door slam shut and the sound of heavy footsteps quickly followed.

Neil soon appeared into my line of sight and laid out a pizza box on the table. Nick, who was sitting beside me with a book in his hands, merely flicked his eyes towards it once before returning to the story he was reading.

All of us in the room were on our spring breaks, and seeing as our parents were all out—mine were having a check-up with Dr. Stillman while Uncle Douglas and his wife were both at work—my cousins had decided to invite me to spend the morning with them, at least until my parents were back home, which would be approximately after lunchtime.

Although I would have preferred curling up in my warm soft bed among the welcoming embraces of my pillows with a book in hand, I knew I needed to get out of the house sometime.

April and May and even Nate wanted to eat on the couch while they watched TV, so Neil went to the kitchen to get them some plates and told them sternly that they weren’t to leave any crumbs.

Among the three brothers, Neil was the houseboy, the one who was raised to actually care about what happened around the household. It was funny to watch him cock an eyebrow at his siblings when they merely waved him off. He looked like a nagging mother.

I reached out and grabbed a pizza slice from inside the box. As I took a bite, Neil went over to the chair across me and sat. “Well, this can’t get any more boring,” he muttered, retrieving a pizza slice for himself.

“It’s alright,” I said, shrugging one shoulder, “but I still don’t get why Uncle Douglas made the three of you stay and babysit.”

“Correction: it’s the two of us,” Neil said, gesturing to Nate and himself. He then pointed at Nick, who still hadn’t detached himself from the book to take a pizza. “This one is as good as dead whenever he reads.”

I giggled, glancing over at Nick, who I was sure could hear us very clearly, but probably chose not to bother. “Well, he’s doing fine by himself,” I said, meaning Nate.

“Yeah, but my parents keep telling me that I’ve always been out these past few days since spring break started and that I have to give time to family as well,” he said, “but they aren’t even here.”

I shoved the last of the pizza crust into my mouth and licked my fingers. “That’s odd,” I said with my mouth full, “they never told you off when you hung out with your friends before.”

Neil covered his face with both hands and groaned. “Well, I haven’t exactly been out with my friends these days.”

I raised my eyebrows at him in surprise. “Have you been going out with a girl?”

Silence was the only answer I received, but it was enough.

“You have a girlfriend?” I asked incredulously, starting on another pizza slice, “And not girlfriends?”

“Hey, you make me sound like a womanizer,” Neil said, removing his hands from his face and frowning at me.

“Well, you sort of are one,” I said, rolling my eyes. “So who is she?”

He dismissed my question with a shake of his head. “She’s from my school; you wouldn’t know her.” And then with a wicked grin, he said, “Speaking of romantic relationships, how are you and your boyfriend?”

“What nonsense are you sputtering about now?” I asked, scowling. I had a bad feeling I knew where this was heading.

His grin, if possible, grew wider. “You know what. That Colin Stillman you asked us to kidnap just roughly two weeks ago. What did we miss since then?”

At that, Nate’s ears seemed to perk up and in the next second, he was disentangling himself from April and May, and making his way to the dining table. “What’s this I hear about Colin Stillman, the boy we are yet to beat up?” he asked, taking the seat beside Neil.

Not again, I thought, closing my eyes and groaning. “You choose now to detach yourself from the TV?” I asked. “And I already told you before that you’re not beating him up!”

“On the contrary,” Nick suddenly said, closing his book and slipping a finger between the pages he’d stopped at. He ripped a slice from the pizza pie and chewed on the edge, “I think it’s the perfect time to listen in on this particular conversation.”

“They have taken you over to the Dark Side, haven’t they, Nick?” I whimpered. He merely grinned.

“Don’t change the subject and just answer the question, Seven,” Neil told me impatiently.

“Look, there’s nothing going on between me and Colin, I’ve told you guys that before,” I said, stuffing my mouth with some more pepperoni. “And you missed nothing since then.”

Well, my mind whispered, except for when Colin was going to kiss me at the party but I quickly shot that horse in the face when I winced, and then there was when he made me his slave for a school day.

But it wasn’t like I was going to tell my cousins about that.

It had been a week since I’d spoken to Colin and it had been that long since I’d thought up of another plan to get the black notebook back. It was long enough though that Colin even texted me the other day, taunting me and even asking me to try and get it back again because it was starting to get boring without me bugging him.

I’d replied with what I hoped was a witty comeback, although, admittedly, it was kind of lonely without him to bug too.

“Wait, so the guy didn’t make a move yet?” Nate asked, sounding confused. He glanced briefly at Neil before shaking his head, “Dang.”

I shot him a glare and was just about to argue that Colin wasn’t going to ever make a move because he didn’t like me that way, period, when Nick said questioningly, “I thought they were already together.” He turned to his younger brother. “You said you saw them kissing on that old red beanbag.”

The memory turned my face beet-red. “We weren’t even kissing yet!”

The three of them turned to look at me. “Yet?” they echoed with equally diabolical smirks.

“That’s not what I—that came out wrong!” I frantically told them. They looked like they would have believed me more if I’d said that the grass was blue. I opened my mouth to deny it some more, but then I heard the united voices of April and May sing, “Seven and Colin sitting on a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G!”

I looked sharply in their direction and found them peeping over the back of the couch, watching us with naughty grins similar to the ones their older brothers were wearing. I narrowed my eyes at my younger cousins and hissed, “Eyes on the TV, girls, before you regret it.”

They burst into fits of girly giggles before turning away and whispering among themselves.

When I was satisfied that their attention was back on the show, I turned back to the boys and lowered my voice. “We didn’t kiss and we’re not together. Can we just leave it at that?”

As I took another harsh bite out of my pizza, avoiding their gaze, I could hear my cousins chuckling, but thankfully they did as I’d asked and didn’t push the subject—for once.

Our conversation quickly switched to a different topic, which I was glad for, as we finished up our lunch. We watched halfway through a movie and when my phone rang with my parents telling me that they were back, I got up, said my goodbyes, and left.

But even when I was back in the solitude of my room, thoughts of Colin still lingered. Although memories of our near-kisses made my heart pound and a blush rush to my face, I was still pretty annoyed at last week’s plan. It was ridiculous of me to even think that he didn’t know what reverse psychology was, much less how to spot it when it was being used on himself.

I glanced at the clock and realized that it was only half past twelve. Colin and his family would still be eating their lunch.

With renewed determination, I knew what my next plan was. It was time to let him have a taste of his own medicine.

I quickly padded down the stairs and told my parents that I was going out to meet up with a friend. They only had the chance to call out a short, “Be safe!” and then I was out of the door.

I walked out of our neighborhood and took a cab from there. On the way to Colin’s place, I made a list of things that I thought probably mattered to him the most: family, friends, sketchpad, dog, and car.

I crossed out family and friends since I wasn’t quite ready to kidnap groups of people for secrets within the black notebook just yet, and I wasn’t all that enthusiastic about taking the dog away, so that one was out as well.

That only left his sketchpad and car, both I could easily take once I found a way into his room again.

I didn’t want to resort to breaking and entering again, but I was running out of options and time. The longer the notebook was left in Colin’s hands, the more danger the secrets would be put in.

It didn’t take that long for the cab to reach my destination, and soon I was paying the driver his fee and stepping out of the vehicle.

“You can do this,” I told myself as the cab sped away. I took a deep breath before walking towards the house I hadn’t seen, or broken into for that matter, in three weeks.

I spotted Colin’s pickup truck out on the curb. Perfect.

I crouched low by the front lawn, hiding among the rosebushes in case any neighbors were peeping out of their windows. I was getting closer and closer to the side of the house, where I’d crawled under the window before, when I suddenly heard raised voices drift from one of the open windows. I stopped in my tracks and listened in.

“…don’t have to go…stay where it’s close…”

“…I’m not a baby anymore, okay?” That last one sounded distinctly like Colin’s voice, but this was the first time I’d heard him sound so angry. I wondered what was going on.

“…but you have to understand…far from home…”

“Yeah, but…it’s important…great opportunities…”

Colin seemed to have been talking with a female, maybe his sister or mother. Another voice joined the party, but this one seemed a little deeper than Colin’s voice. It was probably his dad. His voice was loud, almost shouting, but I couldn’t hear what he was saying. After he spoke, only silence followed.

At that, I knew I had to get out of there—black notebook or no black notebook. They were probably having a family fight that I had no business with being involved in whatsoever.

I started edging away from the house, cursing myself for such a bad timing. My shirt got caught on a thorn, momentarily delaying my escape, but I tugged it free. Oh well. I could always come back tomorrow or the next day.

I was already out on the curb and standing up, dusting off my jeans where grass clung to the fabric, when the front door to Colin’s house swung open with a bang, nearly sending me jumping out of my skin.

I whirled around to find Colin climbing down the steps of his front porch, each stomp making the wood creak. He stopped in front of his house, clenching and unclenching his fists. He dragged a hand over his handsome face and released a heavy sigh.

I wasn’t quite familiar with this sight before me. Whenever I saw him, Colin almost always had a smile on his face. At school he’d always be joking with someone, laughing at a prank he’d managed to pull, and generally looking like someone without a care in the world.

But right at that moment, his eyebrows were furrowed to the point that they were on the brink of meeting, and his mouth was set in a grim line.

He must’ve made his mind up for something because he let out a sharp whistle and almost immediately, his dog, Lassie, poked her head out of the dog house and started bounding towards him, collar jingling as she ran. He bent down to his left knee and gently touched the animal’s soft fur, muttering something under his breath. The golden retriever’s tongue lolled out as she panted.

Colin didn’t seem to have noticed me yet, so I took the chance to leave the premises before it was too late. Slowly, I started backing away, careful not make a sound before he could look up and catch me in the act, and think that I was eavesdropping on his family—which I was, but that was beside the point.

Before I could even get two steps away though, Colin raised his head and his eyes met mine.

Oh, shoot.

For a while he just stared at me, while I merely stood there like a statue. And then he slowly got to his feet and made his way over to me, his dog tailing him from behind.

I swallowed nervously, wondering if he was going to turn his anger on me instead, but when he was only a few feet away from me, his frown melted into a soft smile that, in turn, melted my heart.

“And may I ask what you’re doing here?” he drawled, crossing his arms.

Thinking quickly, I pretended to scowl, and said, “Aw, man, you got me. I was supposed to try and sneak into your room again.” I figured that if he knew what I was up to and thought he caught me red-handed, he’d think I wouldn’t try the same thing twice in a row.

“Well, if you’re planning to sneak into my bed as well, you can always just ask,” he joked, winking at me implicatively.

I couldn’t hold back the blush as I murmured, “Pervert.”

He laughed, but I noticed that it didn’t reach his eyes. “So,” he said, “I clearly remember you already doing this before. Ran out of tricks up your sleeve?”

“Something like that,” I said quietly. I didn’t know what else to say, mostly because the only thing I could think of talking about was what I had just heard. I didn’t want to impose though, especially on something I wasn’t even supposed to know. I wasn’t even his friend. I was just a girl trying to get something that was hers back.

I couldn’t find any other reason to stay, and I was opening my mouth to say goodbye and turn to leave, but Colin suddenly asked, “Um, do you mind taking a walk with me?”

I hesitated, wondering what he could possibly be up to now, but after a moment of consideration I nodded and said, “Yeah, sure.”

We walked side-by-side, not close but not that far apart either. Lassie walked beside Colin, occasionally trailing behind to bark at another dog or chase her tail, but she always caught up to us before we got too far away.

We walked in silence, not really knowing what to say. I realized that more than half of our conversations usually involved the black notebook, but now that I wasn’t begging for it we had nothing to say.

I wasn’t complaining though. I’d always dreamed of walking beside Colin with no particular destination in mind, granted most of my daydreams involved us holding hands or at least his arm around my shoulders, but this wasn’t so bad either.

I turned my head to sneak a glance at him and he looked quite engrossed with kicking the pebble in front of him. The afternoon sunlight flitted over the rooftops and bathed him in golden light.

I cleared my throat and asked, “So, um, do you walk the dog often like this?”

He shook his head without looking at me and said, “Nah, it’s usually my sister Cass who takes Lassie out.”

“So why today in particular?” I asked, hoping I could get just a smidge of what had happened back there at his house. I was curious, sue me.

He didn’t answer immediately. When he did though, his eyes were blank, as if he was going back to the argument he’d had with his family a while ago. “I just felt like getting some air,” he said and then turned to me. “Do you feel that sometimes?”

I inhaled deeply and blew out at my hair. “Honestly, I do,” I said after a pregnant silence. I weighed my words carefully before continuing, “You probably know that a lot of people come to me for advice and such, right?”

“Yeah…” he said, shrugging one shoulder.

“It almost makes me seem like a psychiatrist or something,” I said, chuckling, “I’m actually thinking of becoming one but…ah, sorry.” I smiled to myself. “I’m getting off topic here.”

“It’s okay,” he said, laughing softly.

“Anyway, whenever someone’s in trouble, I’m really glad to help, but after so many of them kept piling up…it was starting to get hard.”

“But don’t you just have to sit and listen?” Colin asked. From behind us, Lassie let out a bark.

“Yeah, but…think of it like this: their problems are like chains clasped around their necks.” I had no idea where I got the courage from, but I reached out and wrapped my hand around Colin’s neck, demonstrating my words. Was it just in my imagination or did I feel his pulse jump? “So they come to me and they tell me their secrets, their problems. I think of ways to help them, but as I do it’s like they’re transferring those chains,” I said, removing my hand from his neck and wrapping it around my own, “to me. Once they’re done and free, they leave…and I’m left feeling suffocated.”

“And you have nobody to tell your problems to.”

I nodded.

Why I was telling Colin, of all people, I didn’t have a clue. I mean, I had survived four years of high school and some of middle school without telling anybody how I felt. Why now? Besides, I could’ve told some of my good, not backstabbing friends at school about how I’d been feeling…

But maybe it was because he was the only one who actually asked.

Colin reached out and brushed my hair away, sending shivers running down my spine. He took the hand I still had around my neck, and pulled it gently away. His large hand was slightly calloused but warm. It reminded me of times during winter when it was too cold for comfort and I would inch close to the fireplace with a blanket thrown over my shoulders. It made me feel safe.

With a smile, he said, “Well, now I’m setting you free.”

My blush must’ve been as clear as daylight when I tried to be nonchalant and said, “Thanks for that. I think.”

He grinned, and probably realized that we were still holding hands because he looked down and we both slowly retracted our hands.

We had reached a familiar intersection where the cabs I took usually passed by whenever I was on the way to Colin’s house. My house was probably just a few miles away. Colin laughed nervously and said, “Uh, I think I should at least walk you back home.”

“So chivalry hasn’t died yet,” I said, grinning.

“That’s right,” he quipped, “I was even considering carrying you on my back so that your delicate feet wouldn’t be tired from our long journey.”

“That won’t be necessary, but thanks for the thought.” We shared a laugh before easing back into comfortable silence.

“But to be honest,” he began after a moment had passed, “I needed a breather…mostly because of my parents.”

I did my best to pretend like I had no clue what he was talking about. “What do you mean?”

He rubbed the back of his neck before confessing, “Well, I want to study architecture, but my parents have been pressuring me to choose a college here in L.A., where it’s closer to home. But I want to go to Chicago where I can get away and explore great possibilities—I mean, have you seen the structures they have there?”

I watched him curiously. I’d seen Colin get excited several times at school, but as he talked right then, it was different. I could see the way his eyes came alive.

“I only saw them in pictures,” I said.

“I’ve been in Chicago four times, most of the time to visit relatives during Christmas and New Year’s Eve,” he said, smiling like a happy little kid, “but the buildings are amazing. New York City’s got great skyscrapers too, but maybe I’ll go there when I’m done with college.”

“So…are you going to force your way through it?” I asked, my stomach twisting nervously. I knew I had no say in this, but I didn’t want him to go either. Chicago was really far from Los Angeles. Call me dramatic, or whatever, but I couldn’t quite imagine spending my last year of high school and the rest of my college life without Colin around.

“I definitely want to,” he said, “but I think I’m going to have to let it cool for now. I sort of had disagreement with my parents a while ago.”

He was looking straight ahead, and I was actually glad he wasn’t facing me. At the thought of him leaving, of him exploring out in Chicago and possibly meeting a beautiful girl there, I felt my heart breaking. Tears started prickling my eyes but I managed to say, “Go for it. I’m sure you’ll do great.”

I winced, hearing the crack in my voice. He probably heard it too because he spun around to look over at me. I quickly blinked my eyes and turned away, laughing to myself. “But I think you should still consider what your family’s saying,” I told him. “I kind of understand their point.”

“What, you want me close too?” he asked, wagging his eyebrows, and I wondered if his smile was genuine or not.

“Whatever,” I said, rolling my eyes. I didn’t say yes, but I didn’t deny it either. I released a sigh. “But you know, it’s nice that you have it all figured out.”

“What do you mean?” he asked, looking intently at me. Man, his eyes were so green.

“Well, you know what you want and you’re determined to get it.”

Colin chuckled and said, “Have you seen yourself while trying desperately to get your notebook back? Yeah, you’ve definitely got that part covered.”

I pushed him playfully in the shoulder and said, “That’s not what I mean, silly. Like, you’re sure that going to Chicago’s what you want. I don’t even know if I want to take college here or someplace else. I’m not even sure about my course.”

“I thought you wanted to be a psychiatrist?” he asked. We both stopped at a red light and I watched as cars sped by, tires grinding the asphalt and splashing puddles at unfortunate passersby.

“Yeah, but only by sixty to seventy percent,” I said. “I want to be a lawyer, too. Sometimes I even consider taking an I.T course because, from what I’ve heard, there’s a decent amount of math in there and I wouldn’t mind that…”

“Okay, um…” he began, but then paused, his eyebrows furrowing in concentration. Finally he laughed, saying, “Okay, giving advice to someone is pretty hard.”

“Give me your best shot,” I said, turning my body to face him and planting my hands on my hips.

With a hesitant grin, he considered his words carefully before saying, “Um…follow your heart, but don’t ever leave your mind behind.”

“Are you trying to imply something?” I asked and then clicked my tongue in disapproval. “I wouldn’t want to listen to someone who thinks I’m stupid.” I did it only to spite him, and he probably knew it because he stuck his tongue out at me.

“Hey, I don’t mean it that way,” he said defensively. “Don’t just assume like that.”

For a moment, I wondered if those last words were directed at me with a different meaning. Most probably for me not to assume that he would even have an ounce of feelings for me. But I pushed it aside. I said, “Okay, fine. What did you mean by it?”

“I meant that you should choose a path or a course you know you’ll love and enjoy, but think about it first. Once you’re done analyzing every little corner of the idea, think about it again.”

I thought about what he said and then I shrugged. “Hmm…not bad,” I said.

“You’re too closefisted in giving compliments,” he mumbled bitterly, but after a minute he smiled.

The light turned green and we moved to cross the street, but not before Colin looked back and called Lassie to come closer, just to make sure that she didn’t get lost in the crowd.

We talked about a lot of things after that, a seemingly never ending series of topics flowing from our mouths as buildings passed by us, streets changed, and the sun started sinking in the sky, unable to wait for us at our slow, relaxed pace.

Once we were strolling down my neighborhood, we’d already switched to the topic of dogs.

“We had two golden retrievers before Lassie’s parents,” he told me as he casually bent down to ruffle the dog’s fur. “We got them when I was, like, six, I think. Her dad died three years ago and her mom the year after. We sold her siblings to our neighbors so sometimes she could still go over and play with them.”

“How old is she now?” I asked when Lassie padded over to me and sniffed my ankles.

“Six years.”

“Will you be getting a lad for her?” I asked, smirking.

Colin shook his head. “Nah, my mom doesn’t want to. Even if my sisters and I were practically begging her so that we could have puppies again, she said she didn’t want to cry over losing another pet. She says that they’re like family.”

“I’ve never tried having a dog before,” I said honestly. “My cousins had one before—a German shepherd—but it was already old and died because of a heart attack before I could even walk and talk.”

We passed by house number 7 and then stopped in front of mine. “Well, this is me,” I said, gesturing to the simple box with a roof that I’d known all my life as home. “Thanks for walking me back. You didn’t have to, really.”

“Consider it as my thanks for staying with me and talking to me for nearly two straight hours,” he said, offering me a lopsided grin. “I seriously owe you one.”

You can easily pay me back by returning the black notebook, I thought. The words were already on the tip of my tongue, but I didn’t say them. I knew it was stupid, but when I stared into his eyes, full of genuine gratitude, I decided that I didn’t want to ruin the moment with that. So instead I said, “You’re welcome.”

We said our farewells and then I gave Lassie a soft, tentative pat on the head. She simply looked up and panted at me. Her tail was wagging though, so I assumed that was a good thing. Colin turned away with his dog and left, but not before shooting me a smile over his shoulder.